Chapter 11

When you are with me
I'm free, I'm careless
I believe
Above all the others
We'll fly
This brings tears
To my eyes
My sacrifice

This was where she was meant to be.

There was no longer any doubt in her mind. Lying here in Paul's arms just felt so right and it was a moment she wished she could bottle up and keep forever. It was just so perfect and she wanted to remember every single detail like the clean smell of his hair and the way the blonde strands shone like gold in the morning sunlight. It was so beautiful just like Paul was beautiful; so incredibly beautiful that even the simple act of watching him made her chest flutter.

He really was so perfect in every way. His lips were perfect. His eyes were perfect. Even the way his lashes kissed the tips of his cheeks was perfect.

Unable to stop herself from touching him, Stephanie reached out and pushed back the soft strands that fell across his face, tenderly tucking them behind his right ear. Her hand lingered there for a second as her thumb brushed over his lobe feeling the softness of his skin. His skin, it was so perfect too and her eyelids briefly fluttered as she remembered how hot and slick it had been as her body had rocked desperately against him.

God, last night had been so amazing and Paul had taken her twice before the first signs of dawn had lit up the sky. He really had been everything she could have possibly imagined and so much more besides that. His touch had been assured yet so gentle almost like he was worshipping every inch of her and he knew exactly what she needed from him. It was almost like Paul had a map to her body and soul. She had never experienced anything like it. Then again, she'd never made love to a man before.

And as crazy as that sounded, Stephanie knew it was the truth. What she had shared with Paul went beyond just sex for her. After all, this wasn't just some guy she was physically attracted to. This was the man she had fallen in love with and she had fallen so hard and so fast she was still struggling to catch her breath. But she couldn't deny it anymore. Not to herself and not to Paul either.

Just then, a low moan escaped from his slightly parted lips and Stephanie shyly drew her hand away feeling herself tense as his head shifted against the cream pillow. Glancing at his smooth chest, she realised she didn't want him to wake up because then this would be over. This perfect moment would disappear and she be forced to deal with the horrible awkwardness there would be between them. And it would be awkward especially due to the fact that Paul had been drunk last night.

And God, maybe he wouldn't even remember this. Maybe he would open his eyes and totally freak out to find her lying here next to him. She had to leave while she could. She had to get out of here before he woke up because she wasn't sure she could handle it. She wasn't sure she could take Paul labelling their perfect night as a mistake because it was all she had to hold on to. Paul was leaving tomorrow and after he was gone, their night together would be all she had left and she couldn't let him tarnish that. She couldn't let him tarnish her precious memories.

Her face flickering with her sadness, Stephanie reached for his large bicep and lifting her head, she began to slowly remove his arm. But her breath caught in her throat when she saw Paul's brown eyes were staring back at her causing her heart to flip in her chest.

"Hey."

"Hey." she whispered back, her lips twitching with her shy, hesitant smile as she shifted awkwardly beside him not sure what to say or do right now. She wasn't in the habit of waking up next to someone and certainly not someone who meant as much to her as Paul did. She just wished she could tell he was thinking right now so she would know whether to make a bolt for the door and salvage what shred of dignity she had left.

"So, is this a hit and run toots?"

As he briefly glanced at the arm she still held, she saw the flicker of amusement on his face and slowly her uneasiness began to melt away.

"I guess you've caught onto my sinister plan." she replied letting her fingers drop and feeling his heavy arm fall back around her. She tried not to read into the fact Paul didn't pull away and she swore she felt him pull her just that little bit closer.

"Where were you going?"

Her lips curved up gently as she lifted her shoulder in a shrug. "I don't know. I guess I thought I should probably check on Mom." she lied.

His head shifted against the pillow and he smiled but his smile quickly disappeared as the sunlight fell directly on his face and he grimaced causing his nose to crinkle cutely.

"Shit. It's bright."

Stephanie chuckled as Paul buried his head in the pillow, his blonde hair tickling her cheek as he leant against her shoulder. "Someone is obviously feeling a little hung over this morning."

He lifted his head, his heavy brown eyes scowling at her through his tousled strands.

"And grumpy too." she teased.

"I'm not grumpy and I'm not hung over either. I'm just tired that's all."

Just then Paul rolled onto his back and Stephanie tried not to feel disappointed as his arm slipped away and his big hand pushed back the hair from his face.

"See, some broad kept me awake half the night."

As he turned to her, his brown eyes twinkled and Stephanie couldn't help but smile in return knowing that Paul did remember.

"And you're complaining?" she asked him playfully.

"Oh no." he grinned. "I most definitely am not complaining."

But his grin faded as he shifted onto his side to face her and his facial expression was thoughtful as he lifted his hand to brush through her hair.

"Although now we've aired the subject, I guess this is the part where we should probably talk about it."

"I guess it is." she sighed glancing away.

Paul watched Stephanie bite down on her bottom lip and in that moment he knew she was every bit as anxious as he was probably more so being she was the one with the ring on her finger. Not that he even wanted to think of that. Not right now. But one thing was true. Being with Stephanie had given him some much needed clarity and he knew he could no longer fight these feelings he had for her. They were too powerful and strong to deny and if last night had proved anything, it had been that Stephanie was worth the huge risk to his heart. With the way she made him feel, with the way she completed him, he knew he'd rather have this brief moment of sharing something real than a lifetime of pretence and emptiness inside.

God, it had felt so good to wake up beside her and it made him forget all those lonely nights spent alone; the same lonely nights he'd have to face without her once he was gone. But he wasn't going to even dwell on that. That would be then and this was now and he was going to treasure every second he had left with her. God knows time was precious enough and he wasn't going to waste a single drop.

Curling his hand around her cheek, Paul smiled and his brown eyes were gentle as his thumb lightly traced small circles against her skin.

"Well for the record, you should probably know I have no regrets."

Stephanie's voice cracked with her surprise. "You don't?"

Paul shook his head making the pillow rustle as his brow furrowed in her direction. "But you sound surprised like you expect me to."

"I don't know. I just thought………." She paused, sighing as she pressed her lips together. "Actually I don't know even what I thought. I guess I just expected some weirdness between us now that we've…...well, you know."

"What? Seen each other naked?"

"Paul!" Stephanie scolded, her cheeks flushing with her embarrassment as she heard his amused chuckle.

"What? I'm only telling the truth."

"Yeah well you didn't have to so blunt about it."

Paul's mouth curled into a teasing smirk. "Don't tell me you're getting all shy on me because I certainly don't remember you being this shy last night."

"Yeah, well that was last night."

As Stephanie glanced down at the space between them, Paul was sure that he saw something that resembled regret in her big blue eyes and he tried not to feel disappointed as he took his hand away from her face letting it drop to the covers, glaring at her defensively.

"So what are you saying? We should forget about it? We should pretend last night never happened?" he snapped.

Stephanie instantly lifted her head, her big eyes wide. "No." she told him.

"Well, it damn well sounds that way to me."

She could only watch in stunned silence as Paul threw back the covers from the bed and swung his legs over the side. He sat there with his head bowed and his shoulders rising and falling with his angry breaths.

Stephanie pulled the covers over her chest as she reached for him, her hand resting against his broad back.

"Paul, please don't be like this."

Her plea fell on deaf ears as he said nothing and sat there frozen. Sighing softly, she shuffled closer letting her hand slide down his skin to slip around his waist.

"Look, it's just I don't know what to do in this situation." she explained. "I'm not sure what the rules are and especially with you. I mean this… us….it's just so complicated. But my feelings for you…….. Well they're a lot less complicated. In fact my feelings are actually the easy part."

She paused and sighed as Paul remained silent but felt encouraged to continue when his fingers toyed with hers before his palm curled deliciously over her hand.

"I meant what I said last night, you know. I do care about you probably more than you even realise." she said softly.

There was a beat before Paul tugged on her hand pulling her towards him.

Stephanie crawled over the mattress, the covers tangling between her legs as she knelt behind him resting her chest against his warm back. She wondered if he could feel her heart beating as she leant her chin on his shoulder wrapping her arm around his firm, toned stomach. Holding Paul felt so good and she knew she could do this forever if she had the chance. But still, she was content just to be and enjoy this moment. God knows it would all be over once reality came along and crashed down on them.

Sighing softly, she breathed Paul in feeling his soft strands brush over her cheek as slowly he turned to her. Lifting her head, she met his intense stare and the emotion that danced across his deep brown pools caused her to momentarily lose her breath.

"I care about you too, Steph."

As Paul's hushed words still echoed in her mind, their noses lightly rubbed together and slowly, he began to kiss her. His kiss was soft and sweet and tender but at the same time, it was so moving and intense. It was almost like Paul was reaching for the very bottom of her soul and telling her what he couldn't put into words. And she should know because she couldn't say those words either. Those three words that would only make her sacrifice even harder to bear when she had to deny what was in her heart and say goodbye to her one chance at true happiness. She had no choice. When tomorrow came, it was time for her to try and find the strength to let Paul go.