Chapter 12

And I need you tonight
I need you right now
I know deep within my heart
It doesn't matter if it's wrong or right
I really need you tonight

Paul tensed the second he walked into the spacious living room and saw his father there. He was standing by the pristine leather sofa holding some papers in his hand and he slowly lifted his head in his direction. The cold, hard expression in those steely grey eyes were enough to tell him that nothing had changed and that he still meant every single word he'd said to him yesterday.

And that was fine. Honestly, he already knew it would be this way which was why he'd made his decision to leave this morning. He sure as hell wasn't sticking around a place where he wasn't wanted and holding out for forgiveness from a man who, quite frankly, would never be capable of forgiving him. His heart was too bitter and twisted towards him. After all, it wasn't just his mother's death that his father resented him for. He also resented him for being another man's flesh and blood; a constant reminder of his wife's betrayal which was the reason why he could never truly accept him as his son.

And that was fine too. After all, he was used to their estranged relationship. His father had never been there for him, at least not in the ways that counted. He'd never listened to him; he'd never talked to him. He'd never shown the least bit of interest in any aspect of his life. Emotionally, he'd shut him off and that had been hard for him to understand until his mother had told him the truth. After that, all the pieces had started to fall into place and he quickly realised nothing would change between them. He had to face the fact his father would never be able to accept him.

"I wasn't expecting to see you this morning." said John.

Paul stared back at him knowing that it was probably more a case of not wanting to see him. In fact, he was pretty sure the old man would be more than happy not to have to lay his eyes on him again. No doubt his impending departure would put a smile on the bastard's face. Then again, he could always wipe it back off by telling him he'd spent all night banging his little wife.

But as an image of Stephanie flashed through his mind, Paul quickly pushed it back out again. Thinking of her wasn't a good idea. Not now. Not when his mind was made up and she only gave him a thousand and one reasons to change it again.

"I bet you weren't." he said lowly. "But don't worry Pops. I'll be out of your hair in a couple of hours."

He turned to leave but her voice stopped in his tracks.

"But I thought you were leaving tomorrow."

Paul felt the breath catch in his throat as he looked up. Stephanie had appeared out of nowhere and those heart-breaking blue eyes were staring back at him making him slightly tremble inside as he remembered everything. He remembered the way she tasted on his lips. He could still feel her body pressed against him and hear his name in her desperate cries. Being with Stephanie had been the single most incredible experience of his life but that couldn't change a thing. If anything, she only helped justify his decision to himself. He had to get out before it was far too late.

"Yeah well I decided to change my flight." he said.

Paul quickly glanced at the floor unable to look at her and unable to witness the way her face crumpled at his words. God, he felt so guilty. He honestly didn't want to hurt her but surely she realised it had to be this way, especially now. Especially after everything they had said – and more importantly didn't say – to one another.

"Stephanie, you seem a little upset."

Her husband's observation shocked her and made Stephanie quickly regain her composure and force a smile on her face. She couldn't let him suspect anything. She couldn't let him see that while his back was turned, she'd fallen head over heels for his son. A son that was now leaving her and suddenly she felt her earlier strength slip away. She didn't want Paul to leave. She wanted him to stay right here and let her hold onto him as long as she possibly could. She wasn't ready to say goodbye. Not yet.

Pushing back the hard lump in her throat, Stephanie turned to her husband and forced a smile. "I'm not upset. It's just that I can't take Paul to the airport now. Not today, not when Mom's got her chemo." she explained hurriedly.

John looked at her for a second and under his scrutinising gaze, her stomach began to churn anxiously.

"I'm sure Paul understands." he said eventually. "Don't you, Paul?"

Stephanie watched Paul slowly tilt his head in her direction, his brown eyes partially hidden beneath the blonde strands that fell softly over his face yet she could feel it. She could feel the tenderness and the apology in his expression.

"It's not a problem." he said.

Stephanie nodded and was silent while inside she felt like screaming; screaming that his leaving her was a problem and screaming that she didn't want him to go.

"Anyway, I'd better leave or I'll be late for my flight."

John's words lifted her from her haze and Stephanie watched him gather his things placing them in his black leather briefcase. He glanced across at her as he snapped the locks shut.

"Stephanie, I'll be home by Monday. You can call me if you need to."

She nodded and stood there motionless as he put his suit jacket on but inside she was a rush of nervous energy desperate for him to leave them alone. Her blue eyes slowly sought out Paul. He'd moved from the doorway and was standing awkwardly in the corner. Her heart immediately went out to him when she saw his tentative expression as John approached him. He suddenly resembled a lost, little boy; a little boy who was hurting because of the horrible words by a cruel and spiteful man. And John was supposed to be his father. She still couldn't believe what he had said yesterday and she knew without a doubt Paul was still reeling from it. Those unbelievable brown eyes were a tunnel into his soul and they told her everything she needed to know. He was still in pain.

"Goodbye Paul." said John.

There was an almost finality to his words and she saw Paul's face flicker with an unfathomable expression as he crossed his big arms almost defensively over his chest.

"Goodbye."

John briefly nodded and his footsteps disappeared down the hall.

Stephanie couldn't help herself. The words were out of her mouth before she knew it, her stomach twisting in little knots as she stared at him.

"So when did you make the decision to leave?" she asked him curtly.

Paul's shoulders rose and fell with his heavy sigh and his arms fell from his chest as his big hand lifted up to brush through his hair. Stephanie watched the strands fall around his face softly as he tugged on the bottom hem of his black t-shirt and when he eventually looked at her his soft face mirrored the expression in his deep brown pools.

"We always knew I was going to leave, Steph." he said softly.

"Yeah but not today. I'm not prepared for today."

"It's for the best."

Stephanie quickly shook her head as she stared at him in disbelief. "Best for who? You? Because you leaving is definitely not what's best for me."

Her blue eyes flashed back at him and Paul sighed softly seeing her determination. She wasn't going to make this easy for him but then again, who was he kidding? This was never going to be easy especially not after what they had shared together. In fact, making love to Stephanie had only cemented what he already knew in his heart. Stephanie could be it for him. She could be his once shot at true happiness in this life and God knows he hadn't found it elsewhere. It was just so fucking ironic that the woman who made him happy was married to his father; the man who was partly responsible for his life being so miserable. Of course, the other person responsible for that misery would be himself but that was his burden to bear; a burden he had lived with constantly during the last nine years.

"I thought you said you had no regrets."

Stephanie's voice snapped him back to the present and he quickly shook his head. "I don't."

"Then why, Paul? Why are you doing this?"

He swallowed hard hearing the waver in her voice and resisting the overwhelming urge to pull her into his arms, he tried to focus and to draw on his earlier resolve. "Because I have to, alright?" he shot back. "I just have to, Steph."

"Why? Why do you have to?"

Pushing back his hair in frustration, Paul began to pace in front of her, his fist clenched by his side. "God, what is it with all these questions? Why can't you just accept I have to go?!"

"Because I don't want to accept it, that's why!"

He stopped on hearing her words and slowly turning to her, he felt her standing so close beside him. So close he could smell her light perfume and feel the heat of her presence next to him.

"I don't want you to go." she hushed, her slender hand reaching for him and resting on his thick bicep.

Paul swallowed thickly as her fingertips burned their imprint on his skin setting his soul alight. His hand slowly lifted to cover hers, his palm resting on her knuckles and his thumb lightly tracing the edge of the gauze dressing that protected her wound; the wound that had somehow led to that first kiss. The kiss that had broken down all the barriers between them and cut him open unlocking his heart. A heart that now belonged with Stephanie.

"I don't want to go either." he admitted softly.

"Then why leave now? Why not stay another day?" she pleaded with him.

Paul rolled his lips together. "Because I can't." he hushed.

His hand lingered on hers for a second longer before he reluctantly stepped away from her, deliberately putting distance between them. It was distance he needed to keep his head. He couldn't afford to let Stephanie in. He had to try and stay strong.

Looking into her breathtaking blue eyes, Paul tried to draw on that strength and ignore the pull towards her.

"Look, I can't keep doing this, Steph." he told her. "I can't keep putting myself out there."

Stephanie's brow crinkled with her confusion as she wrapped her arms around herself. "What do you mean?"

"This. Us." said Paul, his big hand momentarily rubbing at his chin as he stared at her sadly, his brown eyes silently pleading for her to understand.

"Steph, walking away from you is killing me but I have to do it now." he sighed. "I have to walk away now because the reality is I don't have a choice. You know and I know this can't go anywhere. We just can't be together. And I know that's not your fault. It's not mine either but that's just the way it is and we have to deal with it."

Stephanie nodded, blinking back the hot tears that now burned her eyes. Paul was right. She had to let him go. It was nothing she hadn't told herself all morning but hearing it out loud, feeling the fear in her heart at losing him so unexpectedly, suddenly it was all too real. So terrifyingly real she was desperate to cling on to him and hold on to him just as tightly as she could. Because the truth was Paul was the only thing that took away the pain and the loneliness in her life. He had made her realise exactly what she was capable of feeling and she wasn't sure she could go back to her empty existence. She wasn't sure she could survive without him.

Pushing back the hot lump in her throat, Stephanie took a step forward and let out a shaky breath as she felt her bottom lip tremble.

"I'm so scared, Paul. I'm scared I'm never going to see you again and I'm never going to feel in my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you."

Her breath hitched in her chest as her emotions overwhelmed her and a solitary tear trickled down her cheek.

"Please stay with me. Just one more night." she begged desperately, her glossy blue eyes searching for his as she held out her hand to him.

She hardly dared to breathe as Paul's fingers slowly moved to curl over hers and his delicious heat worked its way into her as he gently tugged her towards him.

"One more night." he whispered and he pulled her to him, lightly brushing his lips over her temple as he wrapped his arms tightly around her. He could feel Stephanie shaking against him and he closed his eyes, his big hand rubbing his back as he soothed her and tried not to listen to the voices in his head telling him this was a mistake. After all, how could it be a mistake when everything inside him wanted to be with her as long as he could? He just couldn't walk away. Not after she had begged him to stay. And it was only one more night. He could handle that.

But as Paul bent his head and breathed Stephanie in, he felt a shift in his chest and knew he was fooling no one including himself. He couldn't handle it. He really couldn't handle it at all.