Chapter 15
How do you find the words to say
To say goodbye
If your heart don't have the heart to say
To say goodbye
Stephanie sat by the hospital bed as her mother slept. Her facial expression was gentle as she brushed back the short coarse strands of hair from Linda's forehead. Her skin felt cool despite the thin layer of perspiration there which by all accounts was a good sign according to the doctors. The fever had broken and her temperature was slowly dropping. Still, they were monitoring her very closely being her mother was still at high risk for infection.
And she realised just how dangerous that risk was when the nurse had stopped her from bringing in the bunch of yellow roses she had bought her on the drive over here. She had also been warned not to sneeze or cough around her either just in case. It had highlighted just how fragile her mother's condition was. Yet despite that, somehow she was still finding the strength to fight this thing. She wasn't giving in to the disease that had taken so much from her. Yes, it had taken her body. It had taken her independence. But it hadn't taken her beauty or even her spirit. And it was a spirit that was determined and strong but for how much longer? How much pain and suffering did her mother have to endure before it was enough for her?
That was a question she had been asking herself more and more lately. And while it terrified her to death, she also knew it was something she had to consider especially after speaking to Paul last night.
God, Paul.
Sighing softly, Stephanie licked her lips and glanced at the round faced clock on the sterile white wall. It was just after four in the afternoon which meant Paul was long gone. His flight had left at ten thirty this morning to take him back home. It was a home she knew nothing about except that it was place where she didn't belong and a place where he had this whole other life without her. A life she could never be a part of no matter how much she wanted to be.
And knowing that broke her heart in two. She was in love with Paul. There was a connection with him and a closeness that she had never felt with anyone else. He understood her. He got her in ways she couldn't explain. Quite simply, he was the one. He was her one real chance at true happiness but she couldn't take that chance. It's why she couldn't watch him leave. She couldn't face saying goodbye to the one man who had quickly become so many things to her. That's why she had left the safety and warmth of his arms this morning. That's why she had left him sleeping in her bed and she had snuck out of the house before he could wake and notice she was gone.
And while she hated herself for it, she knew she just didn't have a choice. If she had stuck around, she would never have been able to trust herself. Not when she knew she would have begged him to stay yet again. She couldn't do that to Paul and she couldn't do it to herself. Hanging onto him just wasn't doing her heart any favours. But neither was being without him.
God, it had been so hard to leave him this morning. Waking up in his arms, she had felt complete and for a brief moment, she had allowed herself to forget everything and just cherish the feeling of being with him. There was the way his skin felt so soft and warm and the way her body almost seemed to fit perfectly into his as they lay spooned together. And the way Paul had been holding her had felt like this big, safe cocoon; a safe cocoon where nothing could touch her. Nothing could get to her. With him, she was unbreakable.
Lying there, she had even tried to imagine what it would be like with him. She knew Paul would love her and take care of her but more than that he would protect her. He would be there to catch her when she started to fall. He would hold her together when she felt like she was coming apart. She knew all these things because that's exactly what he had done when her mother had gotten sick yesterday. He had held her tight and he had soothed her and he had reassured her. More than that, he had loved her. And she truly believed Paul did love her especially after last night.
It wasn't that he had said anything. He didn't have to, not when those unbelievable brown eyes of his were the tunnel to his soul and expressed his every emotion. And last night they had bared his soul to her as Paul had looked deeply into her as he rocked against her. The expression they held had been so gentle and filled with such tenderness that it had made her lose her breath. Then there was the way he had made love to her and the desperate way he had held her afterwards. She couldn't mistake those emotions for anything else. Not when his actions were an exact mirror of her own feelings for Paul. Feelings that completely overwhelmed her every time she thought of him. But now he was gone leaving this huge empty void in her heart and she was going to have to find a way to deal with that. She was going to have to find a way to live without him.
Stephanie sighed once more feeling her sadness encompass her and decided she had to try and not think about him. Thinking of Paul only reminded her of what she had lost and how lonely she would be now he was gone. But she had been lonely before. She had survived then. She would survive now too, somehow, someway.
Just then her mother mumbled incoherently in her sleep drawing Stephanie's attention back to her. Her big blue eyes gazed down at her pale face fondly as her fingertips traced the sharp bone of her cheek. She rolled her lips together thoughtfully. This beautiful woman here was her priority. She had to try and focus on her and nothing else. She couldn't dwell on the sadness she felt or the emptiness inside now she was alone without Paul. God, alone. Unfortunately that was the story of her life and probably for the rest of it too.
Lightly shaking her head, Stephanie silently cursed herself. She had to get herself out of this funk. Feeling sorry for herself wasn't helping anyone least of all herself. After all, she knew the score the second she got involved with Paul. She knew it could never go anywhere and she knew he was always leaving her in the end. There was no point in wallowing over it or dwelling on what had happened. She was a big girl. It was time to get over it. It was time to get those priorities straight and concentrate on getting her mom better. The doctors said she could wake up any time soon. She needed to be strong for her when she did.
Shifting in her chair, Stephanie glanced once more at the clock as she felt her stomach rumble. It reminded her that she hadn't eaten all day but then again she hadn't had much of an appetite. But maybe she would grab some coffee. It was probably all she could stomach anyway.
Rising to her feet, Stephanie pushed back her hair and bent over, pressing her lips to her mother's forehead.
"I'll be back in a little while." she whispered as she lifted her purse and silently crossed the room being careful to hold the door as she closed it over behind her.
She was instantly hit with a fresh wave of disinfectant as a couple of nurses passed by her briefly smiling at her as they continued down the corridor. She nodded in acknowledgment as she slid the leather strap of her purse onto her shoulder and slowly began to walk in the direction of the cafeteria.
She had only gone a matter of feet when she saw him walking in her direction. Her footsteps immediately stopped and she stood frozen to the spot, her breath hitched in her throat and her heart racing so fast in her chest.
"Paul." she whispered softly.