Chapter 18

Don't be afraid when you're falling apart
Don't hesitate I'll be right where you are
Open your eyes there's a crack in the dark

……..Baby, baby let me hold you tight

"I was hoping I'd find you here."

Paul turned his head at the sound of Stephanie's voice and his brown eyes went wide with surprise to see her standing at the entrance to the kitchen. He could also feel his heart beating just that little bit faster in his chest; the usual reaction to her simply being close by. Then there was the slight breathlessness every time she flashed that amazing smile his way.

Stephanie was smiling now and he could feel the hitch in his throat as she walked towards him. Of course it didn't help his rising heart rate that she was wearing a tiny white vest top that only accentuated her curves and a denim skirt that barely skimmed the tops of her thighs. Christ, the woman had an incredible body and it was a body that he had happily reacquainted himself with most of last night and again this morning. Even then, it hadn't been enough. And it never would be enough; not where Stephanie was concerned.

Raking his long fingers through his blonde hair, Paul let himself admire her for a second longer before his lips curved up into a slow, gentle smile. "Hey. I wasn't expecting you back so early."

He breathed in the faint scent of her perfume as Stephanie stopped in front of him and slid her slender arms around his neck.

"Yeah well maybe I was just missing you too much." she replied as her lips immediately sought out his and she kissed him, moaning softly into his mouth as she tasted the hint of mint on his breath. Paul's arms slid around her waist, his hands resting against her back. His kiss was warm and soft and sweet and exactly what she needed. Ever since she'd left the hospital, she'd thought about this, dying to hold Paul, desperate to see him and be with him. Just knowing he was around gave her something to look forward to and her world suddenly seemed a much brighter place despite everything else that was happening around her.

As they slowly broke apart, Stephanie felt her wet mouth prickle with his kiss and her arms remained loosely wrapped around Paul's neck as her fingers began to toy with the ends of his hair.

"You know as much as I'd like to think you did miss me, maybe you need to just admit the truth." he said as his big hand slowly rubbed over the base of her spine.

His brown eyes were twinkling almost mischievously at her and Stephanie's nose crinkled with her curiosity.

"What truth?" she asked.

"You're only home because your mom kicked you out her room, didn't she?"

Stephanie had to disguise her smile as she bit down on her bottom lip. Paul obviously knew her too well already and knew there was no way she would leave her mom so soon; not while there was a chance she still needed her. But her mom had been pretty adamant. In fact, her tired blue eyes had even faintly flickered with her familiar spark as she told her to go home and get some rest. It seemed that even sick in hospital, her mother still managed to worry about her wellbeing. It was a habit that they both developed over the years especially considering it had always been just the two of them looking out for one another. They'd always been together. That's why it probably felt a little strange even being in this house without her around. Thankfully though, her condition was gradually improving and she might get to come home in a few days. But what would her mom think if she knew her daughter had no intention of carrying out her instructions and resting tonight and in fact intended to spend every waking second with this man standing in front of her. Somehow, knowing her mother's desire for her only daughter's happiness, she knew she would no doubt approve.

Licking her lips, Stephanie's mouth twitched with her smile.

"Okay she did kick me out but how the hell did you know?"

Paul's lips curved into a knowing smirk. "Call it a hunch."

"Yeah well hunch or not, I was telling the truth before."

Her face visibly softened as her left hand lifted to tenderly tuck a few blonde strands behind his ear.

"I did miss you."

"You did, huh?"

Stephanie nodded seriously as her hand moved to gently rest against his arm, feeling the firm, warm skin through the cotton material of his white long sleeved t-shirt.

"I had to go and fetch my own coffee and everything at the hospital today. It was brutal."

As Paul's brow furrowed with his playful scowl, she giggled as she felt his finger poke against her ribs and she squirmed in his big, powerful arms.

"And to think I was going to suggest I take you out somewhere. Now, I don't think I'll even bother."

Stephanie's blue eyes went wide. "You're going to take me out?"

Paul lifted his shoulder in a casual shrug. "I was; "was" being the operative word here.

"And where were you going to take me?"

He quickly shook his head. "There's no point in telling you because it doesn't matter now."

He watched as Stephanie tilted her head to the side and her breathtaking ocean blue pools widened as they stared up at him, pleading with him. Trying his best to look serious and totally unaffected by her, he pressed his lips together and shook his head.

"And don't give me the eyes. They're not going to work."

Her bottom lip protruded in a pout and her hand curled around his neck as she moved closer, whispering in his ear.

"Please?"

Paul swallowed thickly as she brushed her lips against his cheek.

"Sorry. No."

"Please?" she whispered once more, this time against his mouth as she dropped a kiss there.

"Come on. Do you honestly think……."

His words were cut off by Stephanie as she kissed him once more, this time a little more slowly and a little more insistently, batting her eyelashes at him as she broke away.

Paul narrowed his eyes pretending to look stern. "I know what you're trying to do here and I'm not going to fall for it." he warned.

But this time when Stephanie kissed him, her tongue teased his lips open and as she briefly explored his mouth, Paul felt his stomach pool with desire and his resolve crumbled as she sucked on his bottom lip.

"Screw going anywhere." he mumbled as he pulled her against him.

A surprised gasp passed Stephanie's lips as she felt Paul lift her up and spin her round. And that gasp quickly turned into a sharp intake of breath as she felt the chill of the kitchen table as Paul laid her down on top of it. She felt her skin prickle against the cold of the wood but that cold was soon forgotten as he kissed the curve of her throat pushing up the bottom hem of her top. His beard lightly scratched her skin as his mouth descended lower, snaking a path between her breasts and her stomach. Stephanie tilted her head down and her heavy lidded eyes watched him kiss her. His blond hair had spilled over her body and her fingers reached down to tangle in the silky soft strands. They felt deliciously cool and a stark contrast to the fire she felt coursing through her as her body responded to his touch.

God, Paul was like nothing she had ever experienced before. No-one had ever elicited such intense and powerful feelings inside of her. It was like all her desire and every bit of her overwhelming love for this man had awoken her soul and she had finally come alive.

And it was everything about him that got to her. It was the way he held her. It was the way he kissed her. It was even the way he looked at her with those incredible brown eyes; eyes that were a shade lighter with the softness of his love but almost black with his intensity and his desire for her. And it was a desire that left no doubt as to how much he wanted or needed her. God knows, she needed Paul every bit as much, if not more. Her body craved every touch and every kiss he had to offer and right now, those kisses of his were driving her insane.

Feeling her breath catch in the back of her hot throat as Paul's fingers slid under her skirt, Stephanie swallowed thickly and closing her eyes, she let her body succumb to his touch……

Stephanie began to stir from her sleep. She felt the cool air on her back and instinctively went to grab the covers, pulling them around her. A slow smile crossed her face as she felt the warmth encompass her and her hand reached out for the body next to her. But her fingers felt nothing except the coolness of the crumpled sheets and her smile down turned into a puzzled frown.

Shifting her head on the pillow, Stephanie turned her head to the side. The white light of the moon illuminated the empty pillow next to her and she realised Paul wasn't there. He was awake and seeing the open window leading to the adjoining balcony, she knew exactly where he was.

Stephanie yawned and sat up in bed. The mattress shifted underneath her as she swung her legs over the bed and got to her feet. There was a slight chill in the room despite the sticky summer heat and Stephanie felt her naked body prickle with tiny goose bumps. Rubbing her arms, she searched around herself. She saw Paul's t-shirt lying in a heap on the soft carpet and picking it up, she quickly pulled it on. She was immediately hit with the familiar smell of his cologne and she breathed it in as she flicked her hair from the neck. The cotton material almost drowned her and her hands disappeared inside the long sleeves but she felt warm once more as she wandered over to the tall balcony windows, hooking her thumbs over the cuffs.

She saw Paul leaning against the railing. His body was still and his long blonde hair blew in the gentle breeze. She stood there for a second just content to watch him and admire how perfect he was. His black shorts hung low over his hips and she could see the smooth curve of his spine. His skin looked so flawless and beautiful in the moonlight and the muscles in his huge back seemed to ripple in the shadows. Was it any wonder she found herself unable to keep her hands off him? Even now, after the night they had shared, she felt her body tingle with her desire for him. But right now, that desire was being overshadowed by her concern for Paul and why he obviously couldn't sleep despite the late hour.

Frowning slightly, Stephanie stepped out onto the balcony. She stood next to Paul, her slender fingers gripping the cold metal railing as he turned his head to acknowledge her, the soft moonlight falling over his face as he smiled at her.

"Hey there beautiful." he hushed.

"Hey." she replied, returning his smile. A small gust of wind blew her hair across her face and she lifted her hand to brush it away, tucking the locks behind her ear. "Couldn't sleep?"

"Not really." Paul shifted closer to her, his brown eyes twinkling as he nudged her playfully with his hip. "Your snoring kept me awake."

"I do not snore." Stephanie protested with her big blue eyes widening incredulously.

"You do too."

"I do not."

Paul's deep chuckle carried in the balmy evening breeze and as he leant his forearms on the railing, Stephanie watched him stare out once more in the direction of the gardens. His expression was thoughtful, even almost melancholy as he stood there and she began to wonder what sort of memories this house held for him and if he had a happy childhood growing up here. She knew so little about Paul personally and she was so desperate to change that. She was eager to share in every single moment and know every single thing about the man who had unexpectedly crept into her life and stolen her heart.

Licking her lips, Stephanie mimicked Paul's stance as she leant forward on the railing clasping her hands together.

"What are you thinking about?" she asked him softly.

Paul shook his head slowly. "Nothing really."

"Now who's the one who needs to admit the truth to me?!"

Stephanie saw his face flicker with a smile as she reminded him of their earlier conversation but that smile quickly faded as he continued to stare straight ahead, his shoulders slumped almost sadly. Her right hand slipped into his left one and she squeezed it comfortingly.

"Come on, Paul. Talk to me." she encouraged him.

His sigh was heavy as his fingers absently toyed with her hand. "Trust me. You don't want to know."

"Yes I do. That's why I'm asking you."

Paul remained silent, reluctant to share what was on his mind. It wasn't that he didn't want to. He just didn't know how to. Ever since his mom had died he wasn't used to anyone giving a crap about him. Then Stephanie had walked into his life and he had fallen in love and for some inexplicable reason she had loved him back. He didn't know why she did but he wasn't going to question it. He was just going to thank his lucky stars that he got to be so lucky. And he did consider himself lucky despite the fact she was married to another man and not just any man; Stephanie was married to the man he considered his father.

His father. Fuck. He felt sick even thinking about it. In fact, it was the reason he couldn't sleep tonight. Holding Stephanie in his arms only reminded him of what he was about to lose. And he would lose her if his father had anything to do with it. He would pull out all the stops to make sure Stephanie couldn't leave him. He wouldn't give a damn that his son's heart would be broken in two or that he was losing the one true thing in his life.

But funnily enough his broken heart hadn't seemed to matter when he had gotten off that plane only a few days ago. All that had mattered had been Stephanie and how much she had needed him. And little did she know he needed her every bit as badly. He just had to figure out a way for them to be together somehow, someway without Stephanie feeling like she was being ripped in two, having to make a choice he knew he could never ask her to make.

"You know I won't give up until you tell me."

Paul slowly turned his head and saw Stephanie watching him. He saw her jaw set in determination and he knew he had no choice but to be honest with her. He was going to have to tell her sooner or later anyway. The clock was ticking. They were living on borrowed time.

Shifting his feet, he let his brown eyes linger on her beautiful face, drinking her in, committing her to memory.

"If you must know I was thinking about how much I'm really going to miss this place when I leave."

"You make it sound like you're never coming back." smiled Stephanie.

But that smile faded when she saw the sombre expression on Paul's face and she felt the panic twist in her chest as she realised the truth.

"You're not coming back, are you?"

Paul slowly shook his head, his shoulders rising and falling with his sad sigh. "I can't."

"But why?"

"You're kidding me, right?"

He paused and stood up from the railing, letting go of her hand as he began to pace in front of her, his movement agitated as his long fingers raked through his hair.

"I mean, come on, Steph. You've seen how it is between me and my father."

"Yeah but….."

"But nothing!" he said sharply, interrupting Stephanie as he stopped to stand directly in front of her. His brown eyes flashed dark with his anger. "The man hates my damn guts. He always has and he always will."

Stephanie shook her head, her hand reaching to rest gently on his arm. "That's not true. Paul, you're his flesh and blood; his son."

Her brow crinkled with her confusion as she heard his loud snort accompanied by a sarcastic chuckle.

"What? What's so funny?" she asked him.

"You really don't know, do you?"

"Know what?" she asked impatiently.

"John Levesque?"

Paul stopped and licked his lips, his expression sombre once more as his brown eyes sought out hers.

"He's not my father, Steph. Well, not my biological father anyway."

Stephanie's mouth parted in stunned surprise and her words caught in her throat as she tried to absorb what Paul was telling her.

"I see you're shocked. Not as shocked as I was when I found out although I must admit it certainly made sense of a lot of things. Like why it always felt like my father was keeping his distance from me."

His demeanour shifted and his anger visibly slipped away as his shoulders rose and fell with his heavy sigh. Stephanie watched as Paul leant his hip against the railing once more, his face softening and falling with an inner sadness; it was a sadness she had seen before and recognised from the morning John had left and Paul had told him goodbye.

"You know he never really talked to me. Not about the stuff that really mattered and he never listened either when I would try to tell him about school or talk about football or anything I thought we might have in common. He just wasn't interested in me; not when I was a constant reminder of what Mom had done to him. Emotionally, he just shut himself off. And now……"

Paul's eyes briefly glanced at the ground as he felt the all too familiar pang of guilt in his chest; guilt that accompanied the ghosts that haunted him every single time he thought of his mother.

"Well now he can't even bear to look at me and who can blame him?" he said sadly.

Stephanie immediately knew Paul was talking about his mother's death. She could feel the pain in his words and she instantly wrapped her arms around him, holding him close desperate to comfort him and reassure him that he wasn't to blame. God knows how he had felt carrying this burden around with him all these years and of course it hadn't helped when a horrible and vindictive man had hurled those cruel accusations his way. It was little wonder Paul had never been able to forgive himself when John could never offer him that same forgiveness. Her husband really was a total bastard and it made a lot of sense that Paul wasn't his son because they were absolutely nothing alike at all.

"The accident wasn't your fault, Paul." stressed Stephanie as she kissed his temple and slightly stepping back from him, she placed her finger under his chin and lifted it, forcing his eyes to meet hers. Her heart broke for him when she saw the hurt and guilt that haunted his chocolate brown pools.

"Look I don't really know what when on that night but what I do know is that the drunk driver was responsible for killing your mother. Not you."

Paul was unconvinced as he lifted his shoulder in a shrug.

"Maybe but it was still me who took her out of the house and put her in the car."

He paused and let out a shaky breath.

"I put her in danger, Steph. I killed her all because I just couldn't stand to see her like that, gasping for breath, scared she was about to die on me."

Stephanie said nothing and waited patiently as his brown eyes glossed over and Paul pressed his lips together trying his best to control his emotions as she rubbed his arm affectionately. God, she hated seeing him so upset. It was like a dagger to her heart and she wished she could take his pain away but at the same time, she wanted him to open to her. She hated the fact he had been walking around, bottling this up all this time. It wasn't healthy. He needed to let it out and she would be here for him when he did.

"I just thought they could help her, you know." he said softly when he eventually continued. "I just thought I would get her there and they could do something for her and I wouldn't have to lose her."

Paul quickly lowered his head and Stephanie instinctively pulled him to her once more, holding him tightly as her hands rubbed over the slightly chilled skin on his back.

"I know and you can't blame yourself for that. You were scared, Paul. You thought you were doing the right thing and it wasn't your fault the crash happened."

She felt his head shake against her and she forced him away from her, determined to make him listen to her, determined to make him see sense.

"Paul, listen to me." she pleaded with him as her hands firmly gripped his large biceps. "That drunk driver killed your mother. No-one else! And as horrible as it sounds, maybe the accident was a blessing in disguise. Your mother was dying, Paul. If it hadn't been that night, it would only have been a matter of time. She was in so much pain and the crash….well, it ended that pain for her. It ended her suffering."

"But I didn't get the chance to tell her, Steph."

His words were so soft she had to strain to her them and when Paul lifted his head to finally look at her, she saw the unshed tears in his eyes and she felt the hard lump in her throat.

"I didn't get to tell her goodbye or let her know how much I loved her."

"She knows, Paul." Stephanie whispered as a solitary tear trickled down her cheek. "Your mom knows."

Paul's bottom lip trembled with his emotion and she wrapped her arms tightly around him, kissing his hair and feeling his body start to lightly shake against her with his painful breaths and his tears.

"Let it go, baby." she hushed as she rocked Paul gently in her arms, closing her eyes as she held him close and let him cry.