Chapter 9
His marrows were sprouting. He trailed up and down with his watering can, checking the progress of his vegetables and slowly filling a basket full of ripe produce, ready to make dinner tonight for the whole clan.
"You're very quiet," Taylor accused of him as she sat and popped a cherry tomato into her mouth as she watched him work, her visit a short one, but much needed by Troy.
"Yeah. A lot's happened." He conceded.
"Oh? Do tell…"
"I brought another girl to the hostel this morning. I found her frozen half to death in Amazon Valley." He supplied.
"Right, like since when has you rescuing people ever been a newsflash?" She enquired knowingly.
"I kissed Gabi." He admitted then, his obvious guilt painted all over his face.
"Oh my god! Well, how was it? Was it hot? Did you sweep her off her feet?" Taylor grasped his t-shirt in her hands as he stood and looked down on her bemusedly, his baseball cap casting a shadow over her intent face.
"Why do you need to know all that?"
"Because I need to know if you two are for real!" She squealed, throwing her fists against his chest gently. "You look too good together for it not to be real."
"It's real." He said very gently, arching his brow and sighing.
"Then why the sad face?"
"Because I know I can't be with her the way I want to be." He posed.
"Why not?"
"Not without giving up my vow." He added pointedly.
"Troy…"
"I can't do it, Tay. I can't kiss her and pretend I don't want more. I can't even feel my control when I have her in my arms…what kind of Reverend does that make me?"
"A human one." She argued feistily, pressing her palms into his high cheeks. "An amazing one."
He shook his head. "All those years of denying myself…all those ideas that this was just my gift to god, it's all crashing down around my ears because as soon as I even look at her, I want it."
"That's nothing to be guilty of," Tay insisted. "You have a man's body and a man's heart."
"I should be at least trying to live out the values I preach to others."
"And you are. I never heard you say sex before marriage was a bad thing."
"Some people do. Some people live by the bible word for word and I'm supposed to be their leader."
"Then what? You have nothing at all?" She posed.
"It seems that way." He admitted grimly.
"No, I won't let you do this, Troy," Taylor folded her arms. "You've been through too much to give up on what could have with Gabi."
"I'd rather lose her now than when…" he trailed off, knowing his words were already moot.
"Than when you fall in love?" Taylor asked knowingly. "Don't you think you already are?"
"She's the most amazing woman I have ever known…" he puzzled upwards, looking for answers.
"Then don't let her go." His friend assured, grasping his arm. "Please just promise me you won't do anything stupid."
"Define stupid."
"Don't tell Gabi it's over." Taylor instructed.
He sighed heavily again. "I won't. I can't. God I don't think I even have it in me right now…"
Taylor quickly hugged him. "Hang in there, buddy. I'll be back soon."
He nodded and watched her go, crouching to finish pruning his gooseberry bush, his arms scratched by the prickly branches as he worked.
/
"You're getting burn on your neck…" Gabi's concerned voice brought his gaze up and he smiled as she picked up the lotion and squirted it to save him, just like Rachel had a couple of weeks before.
"I'll live," he derided, tensing as the cold liquid landed on his neck via her hands.
"You should come inside for a while." She suggested, gently massaging his shoulders under his vest-top.
"I'm almost done."
"Are you avoiding me? Because I can disappear if you want me to…" She asked honestly.
He sighed again, rocked back on his heels and then sat on the dry mud, watching her as she sat beside him, her minuscule denim shorts and white vest a lethal combination for his roaming eyes.
"I don't want that." He assured.
"Then what? Because last night was amazing and I know you don't feel the same but I don't want to lose what we have. I don't want to lose having you as my friend…"
"You think I don't feel the same?" He swallowed as his eyes burned with his pain.
"You didn't even wait up for my breakfast." She challenged, knowing it was just one of the sweet gestures she insisted on to thank him for his hospitality.
He nodded. "I'm sorry."
"We can never go back can we?" She panicked, looking to him for assurance they could.
"I just need some time." He admitted.
"Time to forget about me? Time to decide if I'm worth the wait? Time to remember why I'm not what you need?" She posed.
"Just time." He amended, looking to her and then closing his hand over hers where she rested it on her knee. "I care about you."
Gabi felt the tears fill her eyes at his admittance and she looked to him with a sad smile. "That's good to know."
"Come here," he whispered on seeing her tears, shifting around to hug her into his chest, his legs either side of her, one knee up to support her weight while he brushed his hand down her hair and whispered soothing words over her head, his chin pressed into her curls. "Shh…"
"I think its best I leave…" Gabi sniffled, scrabbling up from the ground,
"No!" Troy stood too and ached to have her back in his arms.
"Its okay, Troy. I know you worry but I've lived these streets for a long time before you came along…"
"This is not what I want…" He stated empathically.
"It's for the best." She repeated, telling him it wasn't what she wanted, either.
"Gabi…" He watched as she turned and ran inside, knowing she would throw all of her belongings into a bag and run if he let her.
He threw his shears down and went after her, bracing her doorway with his body, blocking her escape.
"Don't leave," he begged.
"I need to." She told herself more than him, flinging her things into her suitcase haphazardly.
"Just…" he closed his eyes. "Just give me a chance."
"A chance to do what, Troy? Ruin your life for me?"
"It's not like that and you know it," his words weren't angry even now and she was amazed by his gentility.
"Maybe I'm stopping that ever being an issue," she challenged, grabbing her case and cussing as the catch broke and cast her clothes onto the floor.
He entered the room, pausing before he reached her, slowing his movements as he put his hands over hers that shook with her tears when she tried to collect her things up.
"Don't go," he said again, huskily, so softly she could barely hear but she felt his breath in her hair and his heat emanating her body.
"And what Troy? Stay here and what?" She lifted her eyes to his, knowing she had to leave before she fell for him once and for all, because her heart pounded with the knowledge of it and she still had chance to survive- if only she got out now.
"Stay here and let me take care of you." He posed, brushing his thumb along her cheek, letting his hand drop down, the backs of his fingers ever so lightly resting on her collarbone, inches from her heart. She didn't doubt that he could feel the rickety pace of it and she didn't try to hide it as he looked at her, begging her to reconsider.
"You deserve so much more than I can ever give you," she decided, blocking out every nerve ending that screamed for his touch. "Thank you for everything."
She bent to stuff her escaped items into her case before she brushed past him and he threw his hands into his hair as he twisted his body to watch her run, wishing he had never started this whole thing now. He knew it would only land him in trouble! And maybe he could handle that, but not her. He couldn't bear the thought of her being open prey out there.
He didn't have the words, though to keep her there. He didn't even have the ability to breathe right now so how was he expected to talk? He sank into the bed she had been sleeping in the last few weeks, lacing his fingers over his face as he rolled back and prayed upwards for many things, but starting with Gabi's safety.
/
"Oh, hi…" Taylor lifted her black brows at her unexpected patient, surprised to see Gabi at her practice.
"I didn't know who else to go to." Gabi admitted.
"Is everything okay?" Taylor asked, bringing the frightened girl into her office with a gentle arm around her waist and sitting her down before she returned to close the door. "Did you fight with Troy?"
Gabi smirked as she blew a breath out through her nose. "You could say that."
"What happened?"
"I left," Gabi ventured, meeting the dark woman's gaze carefully, not sure how much she should divulge to Troy's friend.
"Why?"
"Because he doesn't need someone like me." She explained dejectedly.
"Am I allowed to disagree?" Taylor asked as she sat behind her desk, but still facing Gabi on one side of her.
"Huh?" Gabi shot her head up.
"Well, see, I know Troy pretty well." Taylor shared. "And I think he needs someone exactly like you."
"In what way?" Gabi struggled to comprehend.
"He's always just 'The Reverend' or 'Father Bolton' or a role model to those girls, or those people who need his help…" Taylor described. "But when he met you, it was different. I know that. It's plain to see it when you're together," she added.
"Marjory said the same," Gabi sulked.
"But give him some slack. He's had a life time of being the responsible one, of being in control- of keeping his heart protected. Any threat to that would send him a little wonky- let alone a threat to all three," Taylor mused.
"I never…"
"I know. He's a guy, though. You know the kind of guy he is, too. Everything goes so much deeper, it takes longer to compute and he's slower at everything," Taylor observed. "But when he gets there, my god, he gets there, you know? He comes through better than any other guy I know."
"That's why I can't risk losing him. I love him way too much for that to happen." Gabi admitted sadly, and then blanched as Taylor smiled at her.
"You love him?"
"It's just an expression…" Gabi quickly denied.
Taylor nodded with her head tilted to one side as she observed the young girl before her. "I know somewhere you'll be safe." She offered.
"I miss him already." Gabi commented sadly.
"Yeah, he does that to you," Taylor nodded. "I miss him so much when I'm working non-stop."
"I always said he was too sexy for his own good…"
Taylor laughed at the girl and picked up her bag. "I clock off after my next patient. What do you say to a little shopping therapy?"
Gabi's eyes lit up at her offer and she instantly fell in love with her new friend. "I say yes please!"
"Wait out in the seating area, I'll come get you." Taylor promised and Gabi sat with a thankful smile on her face.
Retail therapy was just what she needed…
/
It had been quite some time since Troy had pummeled the crap out of anything. Part of his gentle lifestyle meant no violent sports or boxing as part of his daily work out and his defensive martial art was even frowned upon by some.
But today when he'd woken with the need to smash something to pieces, he'd chosen the only thing that even came near to satisfying his human need to destroy- he went to work at Reverend John's church roof campaign, hammering nails into beams of wood with far more energy than was actually required.
"Is everything okay there, young Troy?" Patrick John asked him with a wary look.
Troy looked at him with a pair of ice blue eyes as he took the last nail out from his lips where he'd been storing them and whacked it clean into the splintered beam of wood.
"Just fine, thanks." He replied drily.
"You want to talk about it?" Pat offered.
"Did you ever regret your vows, even once?" Troy asked his friend openly. They'd had these very same conversations the whole time they'd shared the city's churching duties.
"Plenty of times." Pat nodded, "But you know that, so ask me what you really want to ask me," he challenged.
Troy met the older man's steely grey gaze and bit into his lower lip. "Chastity. How did you keep that one?" He asked.
Patrick smiled knowingly with a nod. "It's the hardest one."
"It is when there's freedom for sex after marriage. If I knew it was a big no, I'd switch off that part of me, you know? But knowing I can and can't all at the same time is killing me."
"You met someone, then." Patrick smiled.
"Not just someone, Pat. I met the girl I could fall in love with…" He amended.
"And?"
"And she's a prostitute from downtown Vegas." He stated. "Was." He added afterwards.
"And?" Pat said again, surprising him.
"You're the most faithful man of God I know. Easy to talk to and open to opinions," Troy added. "But your morals are black and white. And you sit there and say something like that?"
"You think my morals are black and white? What about the time I drank whiskey in the Casino until 3am with an old friend of mine?" Pat offered.
Troy blinked. "That's not so bad…"
"No? How about when I punched Vicar Gordon in the face for calling my black followers niggers?"
"That was called for…"
"How would you feel if you knew Elaine and I had sex before we got married?" He asked finally.
Troy looked up with two large, hopeful eyes. "Are you just saying that to make me feel better?"
"No. But don't go repeating it to anyone else." Patrick begged. "I didn't expect anyone to have to know."
"What are you saying, Pat?" Troy frowned, reaching for more nails as they sat talking.
"I'm saying, Troy, that sometimes you have to follow your heart- or your instincts or whatever it is that makes sense. God's book is our life but you have to have a piece of yourself to yourself. Not everything has to be about him."
"But it is. That's what I signed up to…"
"So what's the real problem here?" He interrupted. "That you think you're letting your God down, or that you're scared of letting go of the very thing that's protected you?"
Troy sighed and looked up again, a difficult thing to do with the weight of his confession on his chest.
"I'm afraid of falling in love." He admitted.
"Love is patient; love is kind; love is not boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things…" Patrick repeated Troy's opening sermon from before. "Are you not the one who told your followers to follow their hearts?"
"Well, yeah, but…"
"Well, did you mean it?" He challenged.
"Yes, of course I did…"
"Then you better practice what you preach… Are you loving who you really love? Or are you ignoring an innermost feeling for fear of disapproval or hate?" He threw his words back at him and Troy closed his eyes in realisation.
"I'm being a class A idiot…" Troy sighed knowingly.
"So who is this girl, then? Does she have a name?"
"Gabriella Montez." Troy supplied easily.
"Sounds pretty."
"She is, oh jeez, I had no chance…" Troy belted in his remaining nails with less anger and more control as he chatted more about his feelings for Gabi and what she was like. Patrick listened non-judgmentally and when it was time to leave, he hugged the man with aching arms.
"You got your bucks worth outta me today," Troy smiled.
"So did you," Patrick winked of his counseling.
Troy nodded. "Thank you."
"Better get some good speech ready to win her back," Patrick said knowingly.
"I'll think of something…"
"Good luck, Troy," Patrick waved him off and he sat in his truck for moments after his friend had gone inside.
"You're not gonna help me with this are you?" He asked his spiritual guide with a flick of his eyes upwards. "This is all my own doing and you're going to make me dig out of my own hole…"