Joker woke with a headache.
But he didn't remember drinking.
God it hurt.
He struggled off the sofa, over to the sink, his eyes hardly open.
Bumping into things as he went.
He grabbed a mug off the side and filled it with water.
"What the hell...?"
Where was he?
This wasn't his house.
He didn't even have a house.
He checked his pockets, hmm, no note.
He normally left a note for himself if he'd moved to a new location.
Just incase he forgot.
He sipped his water and stumbled back to the sofa.
"Ok. Why is there a cat in my chair?"
He looked around.
"Why are there cats everywhere?"
He put his hand to his head, trying to remember.
Oh yes, of course.
"Rachel!"
He didn't hear a response.
"I'm awake!"
...
Still no response.
"Can I call you Rocky?"
...
Still no response.
"I'll take that as a yes."
He walked to one of the doors.
50/50 chance it was the bedroom.
"Rachel... Rocky...?"
He pushed the door open.
It was the bedroom, but it was empty.
He checked the other room, also empty.
She'd left him sleeping?
Not a very good hostess.
There was nothing of value in the apartment, or anything interesting.
So he decided to raid the fridge.
But he found nothing.
Guess she only ate take aways...
So he was doomed to be hungry.
And he was still rather tired.
So he fluffed up the pillow and drifted off to sleep again.
Maybe his headache would go away.
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
He suddenly felt a pain in his stomach.
His eyes opened to see a large cat pawing at him.
"Fucking hell! Cats! God damn cats!"
He grabbed the cat by the scruff of the neck and hurled it at the window.
Unfortunately it was closed, so the cat just bounced off the glass and ran into one of the other rooms.
"Oh my god, Joker, did you just try to throw one of my cats out the window? We're on the 5th floor!"
"... So? Cats land on their feet don't they?"
She shook her head in frustration.
"Whatever. I got you coffee and some muffins if you want 'em."
Joker sat up and held out his hands to receive the food and drink.
She handed him the bag and sat down beside him.
"I expected you to have gone by the time I got back"
"Well I expected you to be here when I woke up."
She giggled "yeah, so I guess we're even then?"
Joker smiled.
He sighed as he turned on the T.V.
He flicked through the channels.
"Can we watch the news, Joker?"
"Fuck no, there's nothing on about me at the moment. it'll just be some twat talking about a little puppy who only has two legs or something stupid like that."
"There might be something about batman on?"
"No. I don't want to."
He continued switching the channels.
"What? Don't you like watching your boyfriend fight with someone else?"
She chuckled.
His jaw clenched.
Why did people always assume that his obsession with battsy was also a sexual one?
Although no one had actually said anything about it to him before.
Just because he thought about him almost 24/7, dreamt about him, and based his livelihood around him didn't mean he had a crush on him, fancied him, or loved him.
Did it?
No, of course not.
Did it?
Where did that idea even come from?
It was that stupid woman, putting these ideas into his head.
He didn't want to be 'friends' with her anymore.
"If you don't mind, Rocky, I think I should leave now."
She stared at him in confusion.
"Look I didn't mean to offend you or anything, I was only joking."
Joker stood up and walked towards the door.
"I'm the one who makes the jokes." He said through gritted teeth.
As he moved towards the door he pulled out his gun, pointed it at one of the cats.
Rachel screamed as the gun went off, and blood splattered the wall.
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
He walked down the road towards the apartment he was staying in.
His mind was going a billion miles an hour.
As opposed to the millions it would normally go at.
He was starting to really think about himself.
Thinking about all those weird feelings he had ever felt whilst fighting batman.
He had always put them down to the adrenaline.
Because it was a completely different feeling to when he was with Harley.
Although it felt just as good.
Just in a different way.
No.
No.
Couldn't possibly be true.
He walked up to the apartment.
And saw lights on inside.
DAMN IT!
The rightful owners where back.
He sighed.
Brilliant.
Where was he supposed to go now?
Ooh, hang on a sec.
That girl had mentioned something about Bruce Wayne being on holiday.
Now that'd be a nice place to stay in for a few weeks.
That had slapped the smile back on his face.
Although he would have to travel there in day light.
Which was always dangerous for him.
But he always got a bit of a kick from danger...
...
Waltzing over to Wayne manor, how fun.
Scaring many 'innocents' as batman sometimes called them.
And there he was thinking about batman again.
"Damn, I just can't seem to get him out of my mind. What the fuck?" He yelled at a random woman.
She jumped back, and said, angrily, the worst thing anyone could ever have said.
"Then go and talk to him you gay madman..."
That stupid, stupid woman.
As if he wasn't in a bad enough mood already.
She didn't deserve to live after making that comment.
So she wouldn't.
He strolled away from the body.
Would it be a good idea to talk to batman...?
Wow!
That was a stupid thing to think!
Of course it wouldn't.
That'd be the dumbest thing he could ever do.
All it'd get him is some broken bones and a bit of time in Arkham.
This had got him all turned around.
All confused.
He had heard Harley and Punch joking that him and batman would be the weirdest couple ever.
But that hadn't really taken it to mean anything.
They were crazy, what did it matter what they thought.
Although it had rattled him a little.
But he didn't know that the 'sane' people thought the same way.
Ah, here we go...
Wayne manor...
Why would one man need such a large house?
Maybe he was compensating for something.
He giggled.
As he had expected, the main building had a crazy amount of security.
But he hadn't expected to stay in the manor itself.
One of the detached store rooms on the other hand.
It had only one camera.
He covered it with some cloth and picked the lock.
He walked in to see hundreds of little T.V screens.
All displaying different areas of the manor and the grounds.
Looked like security H.Q.
Odd that it wasn't very well protected itself...
He sat on the swivel chair and looked at the screens.
Where was the guard who was supposed to be watching the place?
He scanned the screens till he found him.
Getting a cup of tea from the house?
But there was a kettle right here.
Weirdo.
Joker helped himself to a biscuit.
He watched the guard walk round the house and started towards the surveillance room.
Joker hid behind the door.
It opened and the guard sat down with a sigh, sipping his tea.
Joker silently closed the door, and stood facing the guard, gun out and loaded.
"Hello my dear, fat, friend..."
The guard turned and his mouth dropped open.
"Do you mind if I borrowed your clothes?"
The guard shook his head.
"Hmm, does that mean 'I don't mind' or 'no you can't'?
The guard mumbled something.
"Speak up man!"
He shot, and the bullet grazed the mans arm.
"I'll take them off." He cried.
He stated to pull his clothes off, handing them to Joker as he did.
"Thank you... Theo? What sort of a name is Theo? I'm going to call you Teddy, it suits you."
The guard was now in his boxers and vest.
Joker dressed himself in the guard uniform.
It was way to big for him.
The arms of the shirt and jacket where too short, and so baggy it looked as if he might trip on them.
He couldn't wear the trousers, they where also much too big.
So he gave them back to the guard.
Who, after putting them back on, scampered into the corner crying and whispering "shit, shit I'm gonna die."
"Oh shut up you stupid man! If I wanted to kill you I would have already! I would have taken your clothes off of your cold dead body!"
Joker handed him some tissues.
"Here, clean yourself up, and stop crying, you look like an idiot..."
Theo complied, dabbing his wound and his face with the tissues.
Joker locked the door and sat down on the chair, looking at the screens.
"God this is sooo boring..."
He switched to regular T.V and started switching channels.
He came to a stop on the news.
"Hey, look its something about me, finally!"
A slender black haired woman and a blonde man looked up from behind the channel 5 news desk.
"...The Joker made an appearance today, according to witnesses he was seen walking, in plain sight, but has now disappeared."
"Reports say that he murdered 2 people in the last 28 hours: one man in an apartment building last night, and one woman whilst out today – who apparently had made a comment questioning Jokers sexuality."
"Residents of Gotham, we remind you once again that the Joker is ARMED AND DANGOROSE."
Joker smiled, anyone who hadn't figured that out after god knows how many years of him being him wasn't smart enough to live.
"...Hah-hah, well, now, thanks to her, we all have questions about the Jokers sexuality, and if you think about it Joker being gay would make a lot of sense, but if I were you I wouldn't say it to his face, or you will end up like that woman..."
Joker turned the T.V off.
"Teddy? Does everyone think that?"
"I used to be the most feared man in Gotham, now I'm, well, a joke?... Well... It's O.k I suppose, I withstood that whole boner thing in the, what was it, 60s? 70s? Although Teddy I remind you that back then boner meant a bad joke."
"I rebounded from that and I can rebound from this."
He sighed.
"You're being rather quiet Teddy? You scared of me?"
...
Theo didn't answer.
"I'll take that as a yes"
Joker took another biscuit.
"...What you need is a really big scheme, something to make them so scared they wouldn't dare make fun of you again... Sir..."
Joker smiled "that's the first real thing you've said Teddy."
"And its not that bad of an idea."
He sipped some tea.
"Lets see... What to do..."
Then it hit him.
It was so obvious.