Legend of Zelda: Awesomeness of the Ocarina: The Shameless Deconstruction and Parody of a Well Respected Game
Up to Speed: The Holy Land of Hyrule
The Holy Land of Hyrule is a very shitty place. It is a small country with a ridiculous amount of power globally, and an ecosystem that is highly unrealistic. So much so in fact that it is amazing that the country even exists.
Within it contains the most atrocious groups of people possible. The main race, the Hylian, control most of the country and its government. The people are not above bribery, stealing, cheating, fighting, adultery, and parking in handicapped spaces.
There are also slutty Gerudo Thieves in the west, whom the stupid people of Hyrule shouldn't trust (you know, because they base their culture on thievery!), and the Zora to the east, who control the water supply. The Zora motto is, "Piss us off, and we piss in your drinking water!" Hyrule has been kissing the Zora's ass for decades (let's not talk about the famous Egg Incident).
The Gorons in the mountains are probably the nicest, caring, and most easy going of the bunch. They are always hospitable and when things go wrong with the other people of Hyrule, they mind their own business. Doesn't mean the others respect this though, they view the Gorons as outcasts, like retards in a high school cafeteria.
Mind you that this is all during peace time. The King of Hyrule, whom is actually a decent person, works hard so that everyone is treated equally and fairly. As a result, the crime rate is at an all-time low, the economy is rising, and the Holy Land of Hyrule is heading towards an age of prosperity that it hasn't seen in generations. Too bad an asshole Gerudo was going to screw over the entire country…
Kokiri Emerald Saga
Chapter 1: The Hero Awakens, Nothing is Accomplished
"Navi! Navi! Come hither!" boomed a dry yet majestic voice.
"Yes, Great Deku Tree?" answered a small yet disproportionately loud voice.
"Thy world is falling into a depressing darkness; evil is beginning to rear its head upon Hyrule and has already reached the edges of this forest!" the Deku Tree briefed.
Navi, a fairy in her late twenties, gasped at this revelation. Being a spirit of the forest, she is sensitive to polarizing energies such as good and evil, but she had not noticed a thing.
"Are you serious?" she asked, immediately hoping that he had not noticed her impudence, "Sir, I haven't sensed any evil within the forest!"
"Dost thou not trust thee? A powerful evil beyond thou sight hast slowly crept here. Thy reasoning for alerting you now instead of earlier was because I had to wait," the Deku Tree explained.
Navi was beginning to grow frustrated. The fairy wasn't ready for the sudden revelation and she knew that the Great Deku Tree never lied, but what could he have possibly been waiting for?
"Navi," he said finally, "thou hast been given a new assignment; thou must find the 'Boy without a Fairy' and bring him to me. He has now become of age and his journey must begin!"
"…the hell?"
The fairy had no clue what the Great Deku Tree was talking about except for the fact that he wanted her to find the 'Boy without a Fairy' and that she had been reassigned. This by itself pissed her off. She had the best job a fairy could ask for, well paid, great hours, awesome social life, but now she had to work with one of those delinquent Kokiri! A Guardian Fairy is the absolute worst job a fairy could have. But, maybe it won't last that long. Whoo boy, she is in for a surprise!
"Yes sir, Great Deku Tree!" Navi finally accepted, and was on her way without a second thought.
The Kokiri was an obscure race of people that was all but unknown to the rest of the Holy Land of Hyrule. They were a small group of children, children whom were free from the flow of time. Once they reached a certain age, they stopped growing, thus they were forever in a child's body. This of course didn't bother them, for they knew nothing of the outside world and the most curious moment one's life: puberty.
The fairy passed by the pre-teen form of trash as she flew through the forest. Just like most of Hyrule, the Kokiri were assholes. This may have been because the Deku Tree was just that, a tree, making it sort of difficult to discipline the children. In fact it was the Guardian Fairies whose job was to take care of these children and be parental figures. This… does not work well…
"'AY! 'AY, FAIRY! You don't look like you 'spose to be around here!" shouted a Kokiri boy when he spotted the fairy.
"What's it to you?" Navi retorted, bad choice of words.
"Oh! This bitch think she badass!" said the Kokiri as he and the two others with him walked towards her.
Navi sighed. It was 10 in the morning, and she was already getting harassed.
"What do you want dudes?" Navi asked, hoping she can get out of this predicament.
"I know what I want!" one of the Kokiri's fairies cut in, "Let me get some of that fairy ass!"
"Gah!" Navi shouted, offended.
"Ew, why would you want ass? That's what you doo-doo out of!"
Damn the Kokiri and their lack of sex education.
"Look just give me all your money and we will leave you alone."
"Really?" shouted Navi in disbelief, "you're mugging me in broad daylight?"
The Kokiri pulled out his Deku Switchblade as he, his companions, and their fairies each smiled affirmatively.
"HEEEEEEELLP!"
Of course this would be the smart thing to do anywhere else, but the Kokiri Forest was so corrupt that everyone turned their heads. There was no hope for the fairy.
"Son of a bitch!" she exclaimed in frustration.
She slowly dipped into her purse as the gang gave her time to reach for her wallet. She felt lucky that the Kokiri were incompetent, because this allowed her to formulate and execute her plan which was basically her saying, "FUCK YOU, BITCH!" as she grabbed her Fairy Pepper Spray and attack the entire group, giving her time to fly away.
Each one of the group coughed, moaned, and held their burning eyes due to the unsuspected attack. The fairy flew as fast as she could in order to get away from the gang and to get back on the quest she was forcefully digressed from. She wanted to finish this as soon as possible, so she could get back to her original job, the job she trained for, the job she loved so much.
"UUUUUGGGHH!"
The young girl moaned as she had dreadful visions. She could see it, she could see her country fall into darkness and chaos, and it was all caused by one man.
"I can't let this happen… oh, if only I knew how to tell my ffffffffffffaaaaaaaAAAAGGGHHH!"
The girl, named Zelda, groaned once again. It was starting to grow painful, but she didn't let it distract her from her thoughts. Her country was in danger and it was her responsibility as princess to save it, even if her father didn't respect that at this time.
"GGGAAAAHHH!"
But Zelda did get distracted from her original thought, she wondered once again, how is it even possible that she had these powers. The power to foresee prophecies and the power to interpret other's dreams. Yes, she could do these amazing things, but yet she couldn't interpret her own dreams and she couldn't figure a way to stop the wicked man that may one day doom the kingdom.
"Maybe I should just tell my father directly… he knows that I have these powers, what are the ooooOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDs that my father would dismiss me?"
The young princess Zelda contemplated on this one thought for a while, then once again dismissed it. She knew she was putting herself through denial, her father would never accept her idea. It was just too crazy. 'Ganondorf, the king of the Gerudo was going to attempt to control the kingdom?' Ridiculous.
"How can one man from an obscure part of the countRROUGH, country take over anyway… it's strategically stupid. He doesn't have the man power and… of course! THE !"
The Triforce was an ancient relic beloved to the entire kingdom. The barer of it can have anything they desire. If Ganondorf got his hands on the Triforce, he wouldn't have to stop at Hyrule; he could take over the planet! Hyrule was screwed!
"That's it! I have to tell Father! I have no ! UUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH! GOD! GAAAHHH! THAT'S IT! FUCK THIS! GUARD!"
"Yes, your highness!" a guard of the castle answered from outside the door.
The guard heard Zelda's royal toilet flush. A moment later he heard it flush again.
"NOO! IT'S OVERFLOWING!"
"Um… would you like me to get the royal plumber, your highness?" the guard asked wearily.
"THIS IS THE WORST DUMP I EVER TOOK IN LIFE! WHO COOKED BREAKFAST THIS MORNING?"
"Uh… Chef Anderson I think…"
"HE DID THIS TO ME! I BEEN LIKE THIS EVER SINCE I ATE HIS EGGS! FEED HIM TO THE LIONS, POISON HIM WITH HIS OWN FOOD, I DON'T CARED WHAT YOU DO, DESTROY HIM!" shouted the now hostile Zelda.
Severe diarrhea was not a great experience for the princess, and the fact that her own stool clogged up her perfect royal toilet was humiliating at best.
"I will go and grab him for you immediately," called the guard before he ran off.
"NO, WAIT!" Zelda cried through the door, hoping that the guard heard her.
"Yes?"
"I want you to bring Chef Anderson here, he will have the honor of wiping My Majesty's Royal Ass, and then he dies!"
The guard bowed to the door before he took off to do his new duty.
"God Dammit! I haven't had a man executed in 3 years!" the princess said to herself angrily, she hated the fact that she had to break her record.
The guard felt disappointed as he ran to fetch his target, "Lucky bastard, one day I will get to wipe Her Majesty's Royal Ass…"
"Excuse me, where is the house of the 'kid with no fairy'? I'm sure you know him because he is the only poor bastard in this forest without… you know… a fairy."
Navi was beginning to grow desperate; she has been looking for this kid for the last hour, and she was getting absolutely nowhere. Now was time to ask for directions, like a sensible woman.
"Oh, Link? Yeah, I know where he is," said a large eyed, round faced, trustworthy looking Kokiri.
"Awesome, directions and a name!"
"You go through the red light, to the left after the large green house and up yours!"
The Kokiri smiled coyly and the fairy frowned angrily. Without another word, Navi flew away, silently cursing the existence of the Kokiri.
In her OLD job, she wouldn't have to put up with these disrespectful kids, with her OLD job; she could be chit-chatting with her companions on intellectual matters, with her OLD job… "wait, what is this?"
Navi hovered in front of a sign that clearly read "Link's House." That sign stood in front of a shoddy looking tree house. The tree house itself looked just as sturdy as any of the other Kokiri houses, but something was different about this one… not just the fact that it was a tree house, no, this one seemed odd. Regardless of what separated this house from the rest, Navi noticed the name.
"Link."
That little tool may have helped her after all.
Without a moment's notice, Navi flew inside the tree house. What she saw inside was something she saw before, but not something she expected in a Kokiri's home. Liquor and beer bottles everywhere. Trash all over the place. A disturbing smell that reeked of sex and alcohol. On the table lay the dried leaves of a plant that she KNEW didn't grow in the forest. This house was much too mature for a Kokiri's home; in fact it may well be a college dorm room! It WAS a college dorm room.
Another look around revealed something else, a young Kokiri lying in bed, sleeping restlessly. But… when there was a Kokiri, there was a fairy. Where was the guardian fairy? To the left? To the right? Up? Down? No, there was no guardian fairy. On the wall hung two posters, one of Bob Marley, and the other of John Belushi, wearing his infamous 'college' sweater from Animal House, a movie Navi HATED.
The boy had to be Link, and Link was a Kokiri party boy, and he had no fairy. Fuck.
"Hey, Link, wake up!" said Navi in an attempt to wake the boy up.
Link, the boy clad in an emerald green tunic, merely rolled over in his bed. All his clothes were on, including his hat. He had a long night.
"Link, WAKE UP! God, the Great Deku Tree is sending someone like you on a journey? Well whatever, after this I can go back on my sweet old job, God I love that job! I love the atmosphere, the smell, the area, oh and the people! Especially, Joseph… oh that lovable Joseph… damn I forgot to talk to him today… he said he wanted to see me, maybe he was going to finally ask me on a date! I had seen it in his eyes, and he is always smiling when he talks to me! Oh, and when he touched me, he had those soft, yet masculine hands… I'm sure his lips feel the same way… Yes, yes, I long to have his lips placed upon mine. I'm ready for that passionate first kiss, transcending time and space… nothing else in the world matters… just me and him…"
"That's nice, you should be a poet! But when does it get to the part where you and Joe do it?"
Navi quickly snapped out of her estrogen fueled daydream to turn around and catch the now awakened Link smiling at her. He had bright blue eyes and blond hair, and his youthful appearance betrayed his vulgarity. He looked innocent and pure. Navi knew that you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but for some reason, this boy made her feel comfortable.
"Um," Navi began, still embarrassed by her earlier rambling, "My name is Navi, it's nice to meet you."
"Likewise, I'm Link, the infamous Boy without a Fairy!" he said, still beaming the brightest smile.
"The boy is charming," Navi thought, "This kid might not be so bad."
"I'm here because the Great Deku Tree sent me here. He requests your appearance."
The boy's eyes widened as soon as he heard this news. To see the Great Deku Tree was always an honor to all forest folk, including the Kokiri.
"Holy shit! Really! Well I got to get dressed, I got to shower, and…"
"No time, just come as you are!" Navi said, interrupting Link's banter.
Link sighed. He looked to Navi as though he felt guilty about something.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"Last night was a mistake. Had I known I was going to be seeing the Great Deku Tree today, I would have never done what I done."
Link's eyes hit the floor.
"Oh well… can I at least bring my botany project?"
Navi now loved this kid, he was charismatic, he was polite, and he was smart beyond his years!
"Sure, of course! In fact, I would love to see what you were working on myself!"
Navi loved an educated man, after all, what comes before learning? Education was the most important thing in this world, without it, man would be lost. Link was the perfect child! A Kokiri who was smart and mature!
Link opened up his dresser drawer, closed it, and opened it up again. The boy then cursed to himself before closing the draw back up permanently and walking toward the table. Navi was confused. This didn't last long after Link picked up the dried leaves from the table and shown then to the fairy.
"Apparently, this is what's left of my project," Link said with a little aggression in his tone, "It's a cross breed between a marijuana plant and a Deku Baba! It's Cursed Weed!"
The boy was a little too smart.
"But some asshole had to steal my plant! That's the last time I'm letting mother fuckers in my house to party! Damn the strippers! I want my weed!"
And a little too mature.
"Navi, do you smoke? Well of course you do, everyone smokes, but have you ever been cursed and high at the same time? Best experience ever… well sometimes. It's a 2:1 ratio that you will even remember it.
Tainted. Navi's perfect Kokiri was now and forever tainted. He was far from perfect; he was actually just like the other piece of shit Kokiri, only this one was well versed in plants.
"Let's get the fuck outta here," Navi said, deadpan.
Link was confused by the fairy's sudden change in mood. Whatever, she must have been bi-polar. Nothing really bothered Link at this point, he was still pissed off that someone had the nerve to go in his dresser drawer and steal his plant! Who goes through people's drawers in the first place! That's why he hid it in there to begin with…If only he wasn't cursed and high, he could have remembered who did it…
End of Chapter 1… To be continued… I want you to shave your cat or die…