Legend of Zelda: Awesomeness of the Ocarina: The Shameless Deconstruction and Parody of a Well Respected Game
Just So You Would Know: The Lost Woods Region
The Lost Woods is a large area of deciduous woodland on the east side of the Holy Land. Unlike most other wooded areas, this particular region of Hyrule inhabited multiple well developed civilizations and cultures. These included the Deku, the Kokiri, the fairies, and other life forms to whom the woods shelter. Above all of these creatures, ruled the guardian spirit of the Woods, the Great Deku Tree.
The three main civilizations go hand in hand with one another. The Deku acts like an unofficial militia for the land, keeping away foreigners and keeping the population of predators low. The Kokiri with their humanoid bodies create tools and machines that keep the land thriving. The fairies watch and govern over the land in an attempt to keep order the best that they can.
Of course this should cause the group to live in harmony with one another. This is not so. Jealously and prejudice cause the groups the hate and fight each other… not that this isn't justified sometimes. The Deku, with their strength, are the douchebags of the group, often coming out just to show off and fuck with people. The Kokiri, being immature kids without proper parental figures, form gangs and cause trouble for everyone with their, not always simply childish, mischief. The fairies look down on everybody due to being a slightly higher form of existence, but due to their nature to seek companionship, it's not hard to bring them to a Kokiri's level.
The Wood themselves also contain powerful magic, causing strangers to take ugly shapes if they were to become lost. This also doesn't protect them from the monsters that inhabit the land. In simpler words, the Lost Woods sucks, and volunteering to tread though them just shows how too stupid you are to even live.
Kokiri Emerald Saga
Chapter 2: Link Goes to See the Deku Tree, Hilarity Ensues
Link and Navi walked out of the tree house, both pissed, and for good reason. Link has discovered a way to cross breed a marijuana plant and a Deku Baba, a type of evil monster plant. The end result created, what Link calls, Cursed Weed. Link was quite proud of this discovery, but some asshole had to go through his shit and steal his plant. Link silently vowed to make the guilty culprit pay.
Navi on the other hand could have been doing something more important than baby sit a delinquent Kokiri. She thought of Joseph, the fairy that she adored so much. It's only been a few hours since their last meeting, but each time they meet, time seems as though it stops. They have the greatest conversation, about themselves, their jobs… each other… BUT YES, her job! It was the greatest thing in the world! She loved it, for it allowed her to work with her passion. She would do it anytime, rain or shine, sleet or snow. Maybe she was a workaholic, but she didn't care. It was her bread and butter, her reason for waking up in the morning, it was her life. She would do it forever if she had the chance, and yes, she took that choice. She would do that job for the rest of her life. Why wouldn't she? The atmosphere, the smell, the peop-
"LINK!" cried a young green haired girl from below Link's tree house, "YAHOO! DOWN HERE! LINK! LINK!"
"She's rather… excited to see you," Navi said, sort of weary of the green haired girl.
"Yeah…" Link replied kind of embarrassed, "The girl… has her quirks."
Link sighed as he climbed down the ladder to his tree house, Navi floating shortly after. The fairy wondered about the boy's change in mood, was something wrong with this girl… well of course there was. All Kokiri were fucked up, but at least Link could interact with his own kind.
The girl opened her mouth, "Linky poo! I being waiting all morning in front of your tree house for you to wake up! I even made you breakfast! They're pancakes, and I used the syrup to spell your name out on top of them!"
"Oh this kid is fucked!" Navi thought to herself about the green haired newcomer.
"Man this kid is fucked…" Link thought to himself seeing what the green haired newcomer did, "Look Saria, I appreciated it, but…"
"Uh, uh, uh!" interrupted the girl named Saria, "You just got out, you can't go without breakfast!"
The girl pulled out her picnic basket, and pulled out a full course breakfast, containing scrambled eggs, hash browns, grits, bacon, sausage, pancakes (with the syrup already dried out), a grapefruit, and an already prepared bowl of Goron-Os! How she got the milk not to spill out of the bowl, no one knows.
"Eat up!"
"Mmmm-mm…" Link feigned breakfasty delight, "How long ago did you prepare this?"
"Three o'clock this morning!" Saria replied proudly.
"Holy shit," was the very words running through Navi's mind, but Link wasn't quite as surprised. Instead he nonchalantly continued his conversation.
"I understand, but please explain to me what time you went to sleep, because as far as I can remember you were at my party last night at two in the morning. Don't ask me why I remember I just do."
Link was serious. He barely remembered anything about the party due to the effects of the Cursed Weed, but this event immediately stuck out to him.
"I never slept! I couldn't bear the thought of my love, Link, going out the next day hungry! And I knew that if I slept I would miss you, so I cooked breakfast and camped out in front of your house, because I knew you would come out eventually!"
It was getting close to noon. The girl was in front of Link's door for almost eight hours.
"But I can't, I have this thing with the Deku Tree, right um… fairy?"
Navi dismissed Link's forgetting her name. Either way he was right. As weird as things were going at the moment, the two of them were on important business; this strange friend of Link's would have to wait.
"It's Navi, and yes, we do have official business with the Great Deku Tree, so Miss Saria, please take no offence but…"
"LINK YOU GOT A FAIRY! OH EM GEE!" Saria squealed as her now freakishly huge eyes stared at Navi, "This is so awesome! Now your fairy and my fairy can get married too!"
"WAIT, WHAT YOU SAY NOW?" Navi almost fell out the sky due to the sheer amount of stupidity flying out of the girl's mouth.
Navi took a look at Saria's fairy that, under the bright green glow, wore bags under his eyes and sported a five o'clock shadow. He looked old and tired… which was the bad thing: fairies don't age.
"Sup," the fairy said as though he knew what Navi was thinking.
"Yeah… but we got to go!" Link tried his hardest to get away, but it wasn't working.
"The Deku Tree can wait; you have to eat your breakfast now, future husband!" Saria grew more artificial with each word.
"THE GREAT DEKU TREE CAN WHAT?" Navi snapped, no one disrespected the Great Deku Tree, after all, he was the one that created all of them, "You disrespectful brat! How dare you say that about the Great Deku Tree! Even dreadful Kokiri like YOU know that the Great Deku Tree requires the upmost respect! Why I ought to take off my belt right now and…" SMACK!
Navi was slugged in the face by the grapefruit Saria prepared for Link. Link concluded that the girl had a hell of a throwing arm.
"LINK! EAT! BREAKFAST! NOW!"
He took a fistful of scrambled eggs and stuffed it in his mouth.
"But its coooooooold!"
"BREAKFAST GET WARM IN LINK'S MOUTH!"
Well, she was logically correct.
Navi slowly rose from the ground as she recovered from Saria's fruit attack. This was turning into a horrible day. She was reassigned to a Kokiri, she almost got robbed by a Kokiri, she was harassed by a Kokiri for simply asking directions and a Kokiri threw a grapefruit at her. Fuck the Kokiri, they can all burn in hell!
"FAIRY WAKE UP NOW? FAIRY GET BREAKFAST TOO!"
Navi sighed, "Awesome, how can this day get any worse?"
"SARIA MAKE BEST BREAKFAST IN KOKIRI FOREEEeessszzzzzzzzzzzzz…"
Link and Navi stared blankly at Saria. The Kokiri had young bodies, lack of sleep never worked well with them. As a result, Saria fell asleep in the middle of her sentence while standing up. Of course the breakfast was still being steadily held in her hands.
Link and Navi looked at each other, nodded, and tiptoed around the green haired girl. Even though Navi tempted fate with the dreaded "It can't get any worse" stock phrase, things actually got better. Link noticed this, but he didn't want to push his luck.
After they were at a far enough distance, Navi finally asked, "Hey, Link, what's with that chick?"
"Oh, Saria is a crazy stalker, which is odd," he answered, "Normally in Zelda fan fiction, the Zora Princess Ruto is the stalker, but Saria is the author's attempt to be original and invoke an alternate character interpretation based on Saria's running towards the player character's house in the game. It's going to interesting what Ruto's characterization will be once we hit the Jabu-Jabu arc of this story."
Navi blanked and stood silent for a moment before she let out a big, "WHAAAT?"
"Oh… sometimes I have these bouts when I have the ability to break the fourth wall. It's not permanent, but it allows me to understand the ludicrous yet epic nature of this story. And just to warn you, I won't remember this conversation." Link concluded.
"…are you serious?" asked Navi.
"Serious about what?" Link blanked.
"About that fourth wall shit!"
"Fourth wall? You mean like literature?"
Navi said nothing else. Link shrugged and went about his business, she must have been smoking, he figured. Navi however was disturbed by this, if Link was right, they were screwed, big time.
Zelda decided that it would be best for her to tell her father about her visions and Ganondorf. The girl wasn't very confident in herself, and for good reason, the only "proof" she had that Ganondorf was evil was a dream that she had, and even it was vague at that. But she had little choice.
"Father…" Zelda began as she walked into her father, the King's, study.
"Yes, Zelda?" he answered, looking up from the documents that he was reading.
"Um… I don't know how to tell you this…" Zelda looked around the room in an ill attempt to figure out how to talk to her father.
"OH MY GOD, YOU HAD YOUR FIRST PERIOD!" the King cried, alerting the guards.
"Uh… no, first of all I had my first period two years ago and…"
"Is there something wrong sire!" frantically asked a concerned castle guard, interrupting Zelda in the process.
"Guard, my daughter is on her period, you must ride to the town and purchase the best tampons in the land!" the King ordered, ignoring Zelda's corrections.
"Father! I am not on my period!"
The King of Hyrule stopped, breathed for a moment, and looked to his daughter. He was one of those men who would forever look at his daughter as his little baby girl, as a result, Zelda having her menstrual cycle was one of the worst crisis to hit Hyrule. Of course he conveniently forgot (read: denied) that his daughter was in her very early teens.
"Then what could it possibly be?" asked the king, a little relieved.
"It's Ganondorf! I believe he is going to attempt a coup d'état!"
"A what?"
"It's an over throw of the government by a small…"
"I know what a coup d'état, is! Unlike most parodies, I don't think the author intends to add many stupid people in it! That includes me!" the King of Hyrule reassured angrily.
"There goes that fourth wall again," Link stated in a slightly annoyed tone.
Navi's attention was caught, "What! What happened? What about the fourth…"
"What gives you the idea that the idea that Ganondorf is going to betray us?" the king asked.
"Well first of all, how can you trust a man who is known as 'The King of Thieves?'" Zelda asked, folding her arms and hoping for an intelligent answer.
"Well your reputation doesn't always define who you are, and even if it did, that doesn't mean that you can change."
The King's logic made sense. It was an ideological philosophy, how can you argue with it?
"You know those prophetic dreams I usually had?" Zelda asked.
The King nodded.
"Father, I saw evil covering the land of Hyrule in the form of black clouds, and these clouds came specifically from the desert to the west. Ganondorf is a malevolent figure, and even in his home, he is viewed as dreadful and untrustworthy." Zelda grew more comfortable as she made her point, "Even though my dream is cryptic by itself, you have to take in account the multiple rumors: he rapes and beats his own women, he makes his money by illegal methods, plus I have even heard that he was a cannibal! The man is… like a pig (foreshadowing)!"
"I understand, Zelda."
The princess was relieved. She was 100 percent sure that her father would not believe her, but it comes to show, even the people you know the most can still surprise you.
"GUARD! HER PERIOD IS SO BAD THAT IT DRAINED THE BLOOD FROM HER BRAIN! WE MUST DEPART AT ONCE!"
And surprise her, the King did. He rushed out of the room with the castle guards, and will little time to prepare, made it out of the castle, mounted the royal carriage and raced for Castle Town. To him, it was the upmost importance to get Zelda the greatest tampons ever. Unbeknownst to him, Zelda was already given the greatest tampons ever… last week.
"Following the King would be a hell of a sub-plot, but I don't think the author wants to go in that direction," Link said as the group walked towards the Great Deku Tree's meadow.
Navi ignored Link's nonsense. She didn't care what was going on anymore; after all it was just a matter of time before the two of them see the Great Deku Tree and she could go back to her old jo… "AWW, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?"
An ugly, red haired, freckled Kokiri blocked the duo's path to the Deku Tree. Navi was pissed, by now she knew that whenever they were stopped, something stupid was going to happen that would further delay their journey.
"Hey 'Mr. No Fairy!' Where do ya think your goin'?" the boy named Mido asked, fulfilling his role as a stereotypical bully.
"I'm going to see the Deku Tree, so get the hell out of my way, Mido!" Link said unfazed.
"Like hell if I would! I'm the boss of this place, and it's my responsibility to keep pest like you away from the Deku Tree! You don't even have a fairy! You're not even a real man; you're a half man, like homosexuals and cripples!" Mido said like the asshole that he was.
"THAT'S IT! GET THE FUCK OUT OF OUR WAY YOU KOKIRI PIECE OF SHIT!" snapped Navi, these diversions were starting to get to her, plus she hated the fact that nobody noticed her.
Link simply stepped out of the way. He would have assisted Navi, but he seen where this was going. Though he stood up to Mido several times, he knew it was wise to avoid a fist fight at the time, and this little meeting was about to go to hell.
"YOU ARE A HOMOPHOBE AND YOU ARE PREJUDIS TOWARDS THE DISABLED! AND YOU CALL SOMEONE ELSE A HALF MAN?" Navi, of course was oblivious to the fact that she discriminated against the Kokiri, "I ONLY KNOWN YOU FOR TWO SECONDS, TWO FUCKING SECONDS, AND YOU ARE OFFICIALLY THE WORST THING I EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! AND I BET I KNOW WHY! IS IT BECAUSE YOU ARE SO ASS UGLY?"
Navi struck a nerve with Mido, but can you blame him? How would you feel if someone called you "ass ugly"?
"DOES NOBODY WANT TO PLAY WITH YOUR UGLY ASS? AND YOU ARE A SHORT PIECE OF SHIT! HOW DOES IT FEEL BEING PICKED LAST FOR BASKETBALL ALL THE FUCKING TIME!"
And what better way to top caps lock? You make it bold!
"YOU ARE LESS THAN SHIT; YOU ARE THE INTESTINE IN THE BODY THAT PRODUCES THE SHIT! YES, THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO IN YOUR LIFE IS TO MAKE SHIT! YOU KNOW WHAT GOD THINKS OF YOU? HE DOESN'T! GOD CREATED MAN, BUT YOU ARE NOTHING BUT GOD'S SHIT TURD!"
She contradicted herself a few times, but the sting was still there.
"AND YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF THE BOSS OF THE KOKIRI? I HATE THESE LITTLE BITCHES, BUT YOU SIR, YOU ARE A WHOLE NEW SPECTRUM OF WORTHLESSNESS!"
Yes, Navi was now officially cap locked, bold, and italicized and increase in voice level caused most of the village to nosily wonder towards the argument. And of course, even though Navi was talking about Mido, she couldn't detract everyone from the fact that she insulted their entire race. Link knew things wasn't going to be good, but he didn't expect things to go this bad.
"AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?" Navi's voice and insults was about to go full power, "FUCK YOU, YOUR DREAMS, YOUR MORALS, YOUR SOUL, AND EVERYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH YOU! YOU CAN GO KILL YOURS…"
Mido quickly grabbed Navi out of the air and pitched her like a baseball across the village. Everyone clapped as she screamed in a high pitched voice all the while soaring across the air faster than she ever sored before. Link frowned. She may not have been the best person he ever met, but he needed her. She should have learned her lesson from Saria.
"What was I saying again?" asked Mido, once again turning towards Link, "Oh yeah, you ain't getting in 'Mr. No Fairy'!"
This joke was now more relevant.
"But seriously Mido! I have to see the Tree! I've been summoned!" Link reinforced.
But Mido wasn't having it. He was always jealous of Link, he was popular, he was good looking, he had all the best stuff, and he had Saria. He couldn't let Link win; he had to knock him off his high horse.
Link knew how Mido felt about him, but being the jerk that he was, shown off in front of Mido whenever possible. He even bragged about that freak Saria… even though she was a freak! He couldn't let Mido win; he had to stay on top.
"Oh yeeeah?" Mido leaned in, hoping Link wouldn't start a fist fight.
"Yeeeah!" Link leaned in, hoping Mido wouldn't start a fist fight.
The two were practically kissing, but neither would back down. They were the ultimate rivals, and they were now in a staring contest that could practically shatter the universe. But someone had to give. Someone had to blink, someone had to look away. Sweat began to drip off their foreheads, muscles tightened, eyebrows furrowed. To lose would be like to die, but neither would be dying anytime soon.
"Uh, guys?"
"WHAT?" they both shouted in unison as they looked towards the person that interrupted them, which was Mido's fairy.
"This isn't going to end anytime soon so, why don't you make some sort of trade off?"
Mido's fairy was smart.
"Fine," Link agreed, "I want access to the Deku Tree, so what do you want, Mido?"
"I want some Cursed Weed," Mido said immediately. He knew how to get into Link's skin.
"Fuck you, no!" there was no possible way Link was giving away the last of his stash to Mido, Deku Tree be damned.
"Fine, your access is denied," Mido said smiling.
"But that's not fair!"
Link was cunning, but this time he was in a bad predicament. He could give Mido his weed, but then he would have nothing to smoke, and all his research would have been for nothing. Or he could keep the weed, but then he couldn't see the Deku Tree, and as a result he couldn't present his Cursed Weed to him anyway! There had to be a third option.
"Common Mido! Don't you want something else?" Link practically begged.
"Well…" Mido thought for a moment, than soon thought of the best idea, "I have an idea! You come back here with a sword and shield, and I will let you pass for free! Yep, you don't have to give me the sword and shield, you just got to show me you have them!"
"Done!" Link said without hesitation.
Mido had Link now. Shields were expensive, and even if Link scrapped up the money for one, there was no sword anywhere in the forest. Mido caught Link in a dumbass moment, and there was no way he was getting out of it.
Link shook Mido and his fairy's hand and departed. Link wasn't thinking when he agreed to Mido's terms, but he wasn't discouraged after he thought about it after the fact. They were in a forest. Can there seriously not be any swords in the entire Lost Woods Region of Hyrule? Link doubted that idea.
As Link walked back towards his house to gather his savings, he stepped on something that made a loud crunching noise. He picked up his left foot to discover a small fairy, twitching painfully on the ground.
"It hurts…" Navi said, unable to lift herself off of the ground.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Link replied, and quickly dismissed the fairy and walked away. Link was nice, but he was a total bastard.
"Don't leave me… I think my spine has been severed… don't leave, please…" Navi's pleas where unheard.
"My father is a dumbass."
Zelda paced around the castle, still unable to solve her problem. She couldn't tell her father about her dreams; it will only make the king send off for tampons. Isn't that stupid?
She had to do something to take her mind off of things. Of course, that in particular was an easy problem to solve. Zelda was a master of disguise (foreshadowing!), so it would be easy for her to sneak out of the castle and travel to the Castle Town without being harassed. Hilarity would probably ensue at her expense, but she was willing to take the risk.
She quickly ran to her room and changed from her high class clothing into things that she thought would make her appear more common. She put her hair in a ponytail, and attempted to wash the perfume from her body. The less attention she drawn, the better.
She looked into the mirror and saw not herself, but a dirty, tomboyish looking girl who may well have been a street urchin. Zelda was satisfied, and with that, she hopped out her window like a cat, and caught the closest tree limb to her. Each time she did this, she thanked her parkour teacher, who was also her nanny.
Impa, or Ninja Nanny, as dubbed by the king of Hyrule, was nowhere to be found, and she liked it that way. Even though many times she couldn't be seen within the castle, she never failed at her job. She had eyes and ears everywhere, and whenever Zelda screwed up or attempted to screw up, Impa was immediately there. However, Impa's biggest mistake, was teaching the young princess to be a miniature version of Impa herself.
Zelda shimmied down the tree, dodged the guards, and hopped from one end of the castle field to the other without rousing the slightest bit of suspension. Zelda began to wonder whether she was that good or the guards were just that incompetent. She figured it was the former, later in the story she will learn that she was wrong and that it was the later.
Zelda was well on her way now, nothing can stop her now… SSPPPUUUUTTT!
"Oh, no…" Zelda said, knowing what was happening.
The girl farted. It was a loud wet fart, but a fart none the less. Zelda was now feeling Chef Anderson's wrath, for it was the 2nd round of that morning's breakfast being forced out… and she was too far away from any toilet.
"FUCK YOU, CHEF ANDERSON, FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUU!"
End of Chapter 2… To be continued… Don't act like you are too mature for toilet humor!