Legend of Zelda: Awesomeness of the Ocarina: The Shameless Deconstruction and Parody of a Well Respected Game
In Case You Didn't Know: The Kokiri Village
The most famous and well developed part of the Lost Woods was the Kokiri Village, which nestled within the Kokiri Forest area. As destructive as the Kokiri were, the children were civilized enough to live in what you can somewhat compare to as harmony with one another.
This may be due to the direct influence of the Great Deku Tree, who lived just a small walk away from the village. The Deku Tree is a positive presence for the entire Lost Woods region, without it, the Woods would have total chaos.
As the Tree grew older however, the evil beasts of the forest began to grow wilder. Some even slip into the Kokiri Village. Though the other forest dwellers may become happy for the extermination of the Kokiri, this was not a good thing. The Kokiri helped keep the balance of the forest.
Mido was the unofficial leader of the Kokiri, only challenged in authority by Link. This was due to the independent nature of the Kokiri, they had the ability to function without a leader, as a result Mido's presence was no hassle, and he was easily shrugged off.
He did, however, keep a small bit of order throughout the village, mostly through extortion. His power kept the dangerous criminal Deku Family out of the village. The Deku Family was the mobsters of the woods, and Mido's ability to keep them out was highly impressive. In fact, no one noticed that the Deku Family was being a little too quite…
Kokiri Emerald Saga
Chapter 3: They Still Don't See the Deku Tree in this Chapter
"'They Still Don't See the Deku Tree in this Chapter?' What the hell kind of chapter title is that?"
Link didn't contemplate the thought long. He had more important things to do, like find his money in his dirty and chaotic tree house. He normally kept his savings in one area, but he was growing more and more stressed once he discovered that his cash was not under his mattress.
"COME ON!" Link shouted as he turned over his coffee table in frustration, "I can't believe this! How can I misplace my money?"
Link continued to search, but his money never appeared. He decided to sit down, be calm, and think about it. Where could his money possibly be?
"I carried my wallet to the store last night, and I came straight back after buying soda… I put my savings back under my bed just before the party started… after that I… party?"
Link finally realized what had happened, and it was the same thing that happened to his Cursed Weed.
"DAMN THEIVEEEEEESSSSSS!" Link cried out angrily, but not on par with Navi's anger.
Link stormed out of his house, hopped down from the porch and passed a now awake Saria.
"Link, are you ready for breakfast now?" she asked cheerfully.
"GO BACK TO SLEEP!" Link answered in a tone that was the total opposite of cheerful.
"Yes, my darling fiancé! ZZZZZ," Saria complied, funny chick, ain't she?
Link paced angrily away from his house and to the spot where he left Navi. The fairy hadn't moved an inch sense he last spoke to her. She actually looked worst. Foot prints covered the area where she lie, and the blue light she emitted seemed to be fading fast. Apparently she had been stepped on multiple times, whether this was on purpose or on accident is up to debate.
"Hey! You still alive, fairy?"
Navi moaned. Yeah, she was alive… barely.
Link took his hand and dug the small fairy out of the ground. He didn't particularly care for her, but he needed an extra brain to get out of this situation.
"Navi, I need an extra brain to get out of this situation. You see I made a deal with Mr. Mido. He felt like he was such a smart bastard that he would catch me in a loophole. Our job is to re-enforce the fact that he is an idiot," said Link as he walked deeper into the village.
Navi only moaned. And as impossible as it may seem, Link detected hated and malice within this moan. He ignored it however; he was too focused on his goal to be distracted by Navi's ill mood.
"I have to find a sword and shield. The shield half of that was going to easy, but because of some… unfortunate circumstances, even that half is going to be harder than expected. I am going to the local corner store in order to find out the price of the shield. From then we can formulate a plan, detailing how we can obtain it. After all, you have to know your goal in order to achieve it, correct?" Link was amused with himself.
Navi moaned once again, this time with more vigor. She was rejuvenating in life quickly due to her fairy body, but this however, did not make her any happier.
"I believe I can get the clerk with an offer he can't refuse, you know, Godfather? But like I said, you have to know your goals. I like to do things with little force and little resistance."
It was at that moment, Navi saw Link for who he was: an evil piece of trash that causes destruction. This was why he did not have a fairy, because if he did have a fairy, he would screw it over. That or it would be dead right now.
Navi detested Link, and groaned painfully and with hated as he placed the fairy in his pocket. He walked towards the nearby corner store and sighed as he stopped in front of it. He knew this wasn't going to be quick; everyone he talked to that day caused some sort of long ridiculous scene. Hopefully he can at least attempt to make this go by quickly.
"Hey Link! Up here!" shouted a Kokiri from atop the roof of the local general store, which was known as Kid & Fairy's.
"Screw you Julie! You are not going to mess with me today!" Link said to the Kokiri, knowing that if he gave her more acknowledgements it would come with repercussions.
"You're no fun," she pouted, before throwing a small pebble at Link. Kokiri were like internet trolls, the best way to deal with them was to ignore them.
Ding-a-ling! The small bells on the corner store's door made this sound as Link it open. The store was filled with all sorts of general goods; including food, cheap furniture, toys, toiletry, and of course shields.
Navi slowly flew out of Link's pocket as he browsed the aisles. She was now fully recovered from her resent beating, physically. Her anger however was a totally different story. To Link's relief the fairy kept her mouth closed, when she opened it, things usually go sour.
"May I help you Link?" asked one of the Kid & Fairy's employees.
"Yeah, Chubs, where are your shields?" Link replied to the boy.
The pudgy Kokiri store clerk was not pleased with the nickname Link gave him. He didn't like Link at all to tell the truth. The only reason he even spoke to him just then was so he could get him out of the store as quickly as possible.
"They are right over here," Chubs said with clinched teeth.
The clerk led the duo across two aisles to the back of the store. He then pointed to a tall shelf, which within its racks held the very item Link was looking for. The Deku Shield, the highest quality shield in the Lost Woods Region.
"It's… made of wood," Navi stated.
And the shield was made of wood.
"Of course it's made of wood!" the clerk retorted, "We don't import our goods here! All of our stuff is 100 percent Kokiri Forest!"
Thus, everything in Kid & Fairy's was shit.
"Everything in Kid & Fairy's is the best!" the clerk said smiling, "That Deku Shield for example is made from the best wood anywhere, in fact it is made from the very bark of the Deku Tr…"
Navi glared. The intense fury was growing so powerful that Chubs could physically smell it.
"Very bark of the Deku Tree's Japanese cousin, Deku Tree-san-sama-chan!" Chubs finished, sweat slowly dripping.
"But you said that you don't import," Link informed, with an eyebrow raised.
"JAPANESE COUSIN!" the clerk loudly reassured.
"Whatever. How much is it?"
"40 rupees."
"40 rupees! Get the hell outta here! I will give you a banana."
"Link, don't be an ass. 40 rupees."
"Yeah, I was just joking, and I won't do that lame joke where the next thing I say is I'll give you two bananas."
Everyone waited for Link's negotiation offer.
"I'll give you… three, bananas!"
"…get the fuck out of my store."
"Fine, I'll give you Navi!"
Navi face-palmed as Link's fruitless (pun intended) negotiation came to an end. The store clerk began to push him out of the store; Chubs wasn't in the mood for Link's usual shenanigans. But ever pragmatic, Link had one more trick up his sleeve.
"Yo, Chubs we are on the same team right? We're friends right? Of course you remember when Mido picked on you because you were a little chubby right?"
"Were? What are you now? Skinny? I hate to see…"
"Navi!" Link quieted the fairy before he continued his proposition with Chubs, "And then you asked for my help. Then for a year, I provided protection to you from Mido. And I took nothing from you, I did it out of the kindness of my own heart."
Link put his arm over Chubs' shoulder. Navi sighed in disbelief. This was Link's plan? Extortion?
"I think I would like to be paid back now, Chubs, it's the friendly thing to do."
"Well, Link… to tell you the truth, I am not your friend, and I know you are all talk, so nothing you can say or do will make me feel threatened. And with that, I once again tell you in a slightly more demanding tone… GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY STORE!"
Chubs single-handedly tossed Link out of Kid & Fairy's and into the small stream nearby. He followed suit with an, "and don't come back!" before turning around and walking back into his place of work, satisfied. Navi hovered quietly towards a wet Link, once again shaking her head at this not so sudden change of events.
"I guess when I keep my mouth shut, the bad things pass me by and hit you," Navi taunted.
Link, who was dirty, wet, and cold, stepped out of the water, glared at Navi, and walked away. When he noticed that the duo had gone, Mido stepped from out of the shadows and walked into the store. He saw Chubs at the counter cleaning up, and proceeded towards him. When the clerk noticed Mido, he nodded affirmatively and leaned over the counter to make conversation.
"Well done Chubs," complimented Mido, "but I'm sure he will be back. Like I said, he can't get his hands on that shield."
"Of course not Mido," Chubs answered with a smile on his face, that not too soon faded, "and my name is NOT Chubs! It's Steven!"
"Whatever dude, like how am I supposed to remember that? There are only like, 3 billion Stevens in the world. Can't you be different?" Mido shoot his head disappointingly at Chubs before walking away.
Chubs wondered who was worst out of the two, Link or Mido.
Author's Note!
Link: Wait, author's note? In the middle of the damn story?
Well yes Link, that is right. If I put it at the beginning or end of the story, it wouldn't be original now would it?
Link: It's a freakin' author's note! It's not part of the story! It's not supposed to be original! You're fucking up the flow of the damn story.
It will be alright Link. Anyways I want to thank everyone that is reading right now! Your support is greatly appreciated, after all, if I had no audience then everything I'm doing is for nothing, right? Anyways, I do take every review into account, and of course, none of my chapters are perfect. I have a few grammatical errors here and there, and a word or 2 or 3 misspelled. I am lost without spellcheck, it is a curse. I do however, plan to do something about it, so if I fuck up somewhere, point it out. Like a new piece of machinery, you should never expect the first few units to be without glitches, and it will be like that sometimes, especially with me pumping out chapters every day like this. Anyways, once again thank you. Your support will keep motivating me to the end… where seeing the way this is going, it may be well over 80 chapters before its finished… happy reading!
Zelda blended in with the bustling crowd of the Hyrule Castle Town smoothly. It was simple for her, for many of the residence have never seen their princess before outside of art work. She smiled to herself, noticing how easier and easier it was getting for her to sneak out of the castle, and she wasn't even close to being a full-fledged ninja.
Of course, this revelation also caused her to feel a bit sad. If she could sneak out of the castle with such ease, what's stopping an even more competent enemy from sneaking in? It was a bit of a dilemma, if she had the security tightened, the royal family's treasures would be even safer, but then she wouldn't be able to come outside of the castle like this any longer.
The girl spotted a small outdoors café, and decided this would be a great area to sit and think about the situation. She ordered a small latté and sat down in a small corner, allowing her to take in the sights and the sounds without being disturbed. Unfortunately it didn't help.
"How are you, lovely," a young man asked her as he invited himself to Zelda's seat.
"Awesome, of course a dude would want to talk to me now," Zelda thought to herself, this was the last thing she needed, but she smiled anyway and attempted to be nice, "Oh, I'm fine, how are you?"
The young man wasn't bad looking. He had long blond hair, a fit body that expressed itself well through his tight shirt, a baby face with not a hair on it, and bright blue eyes that could be spotted from miles away. He was obviously very metrosexual.
Zelda would be lying if she stated that she wasn't attracted to this young man, but this just wasn't the time or the place. Besides, he looked like he was going towards his twenties; he needed a girl his age.
"I'm quite well, thank you. You looked a little lonely sitting here by yourself, so I was wondering if you wanted some company," the young man said with a smile on his face.
No, of course she didn't want company.
"Well, yes, I kinda do want a companion," she giggled.
What the fuck it this? She saw through his weak game, and this wasn't a good situation for her to be ogling at boys. But… why, why did she allow him to stay? What possible magic did he have to be able to attract her with two rather boring lines?
"You know, I don't do this often, but I'm going to be direct, have you seen Princess Zelda?"
Holy shit! She should have blew him off, this guy recognized her! She hadn't even been in town for an hour and she was already caught! Oh well, she may as well play his game.
"No," answered Zelda, "I never seen her before, but I often like to pretend that I was her."
"Why would you do that?" the young man asked with a puzzled look on his face.
"Because she is really well taken care off, she is smart, and most of all she is pretty… at least that's what I heard."
If anybody was going to pat Zelda on the back today, she may as well do it herself.
"Well, I believe that's true, and I did hear that Zelda is the most beautiful girl in Hyrule…"
Zelda liked this rumor.
"…but, I know that isn't true."
"Is that right?" this guy was beginning to piss Zelda off.
"That's right, because you are obviously more beautiful than Princess Zelda could ever be!"
Son… of… a… bitch…
"So what now, smartass?" Navi asked with a smirk on her face. Funny of her, she enjoyed the misery of a Kokiri.
The group had since left the Kokiri Village and had traveled into the Lost Woods. The Woods itself was very dense and because of the magic within it, it distorted all intuition. Even if a human being had the sense of direction of a magnet, one is normally bound to get lost within the Lost Woods. Luckily, Link and Navi were locals.
"We have got to get that shield, so we may just have to get help from the Deku Scrubs," Link replied.
The best place to find a Deku was in the Lost Woods. It made sense, they were the shadiest, most untrustworthy inhabitants of the forest, and what better place to be than a place that can be compared to the dark alleys in the slums of a major city.
"I don't like the sound of this," Navi muttered mostly to herself, "I wish I wasn't in this situation, I wish I was doing my old job. GOD DAMMIT! Why? Why do I have to deal with this shit, my old job was much simpler, I didn't have to get into these stupid zany schemes to get what I want, I HAD what I wanted!"
"Well right now you DON'T have what you want!" stated Link, annoyed with Navi's endless rants, "This is why we are here now, in order to GET what we want. And right now I want that shield!"
"And what about the sword? We are not going to get a sword from some deus ex machina!"
As soon as Navi said that, a ghost of a long since pasted Kokiri, floated towards the two, and placed a short sword in front of them. The ghost nodded, and dubbed the blade, the Kokiri Sword, and bestowed it to Link. Just as quickly and randomly as the ghost came, it vanished in thin air, no trace of it remained besides the Kokiri Sword.
"It's too dangerous to go alone! Take this!" said a voice that seemed to come from nowhere and everywhere at the same time.
And just like that… nothing.
"What… the… FUCK JUST HAPPENED?" Navi asked, bewildered from this sudden change of events.
"The author had no idea of how to get me to find the Kokiri Sword in the story without slowing down the plot. It is already taking too long for us to reach the Deku Tree and the climax of the current story arc, as a result he had to pull something out of his ass so he could focus on the other parts of the story, including the idea of how the Deku will be in league with Queen Gohma, and Zelda's current sub-plot, which is moving much faster than us, the main story. We are barely even two percent into the game."
Navi had no clue what the hell Link was talking about.
"Because this is an informal and not a very serious retelling of Ocarina of Time, the author has the ability to pull a deus ex machina without destroying the integrity of the story, mind you that this isn't a half assed parody, our characters will develop as the story goes on. Oh, and to justify the ass pull, in the game Ocarina of Time, the idea of Link finding a sword in a treasure chest, the middle of a garden, protected by a boulder is flat out foolish. It's obvious that the original source material didn't take itself seriously, thus the author asks you, the readers of this fan fic, not to judge the author for pulling such a stupid move, but rather you should applauded him for his original interpretation of the entire world of Hyrule. Thank you, please review the story, it means a lot. This scene will never be mentioned ever again for the duration of the entire story," finished Link, as he took the Kokiri Sword and the scabbard it was in and scrapped it onto his body.
"Do you even know how to use a sword?" asked Navi, a little concerned.
"No, but what will I be using it for?" Link replied, "I merely need this to get past Mido. Afterwards I'll just keep it as a collectible."
Not a moment later, the group heard a rustling noise. Link and Navi, ever alert, looked towards the direction of the noise, cautious of what it could be. Navi, having better senses than Link, few closer to the noise in order to discover what it was, and was relieved to find out it was a small Deku Shrub with a trench coat, moseying along, minding his own business.
Wait, a Deku Shrub with a trench coat?
"Awesome, a Business Shrub!" Link said in glee, as soon as he discovered what this strange creature was.
Deku Scrubs where smart and strange creatures. All Deku were basically plants with brains, but the scrubs where the most advanced of all. They traveled through a system of underground tunnels that was accessible to all other races. They also did battle using these tunnels, creating a new form of trench warfare.
Because of these technologies, the Deku Scrubs were the most powerful of the Lost Woods inhabitants, but this wasn't the impressive thing. The Deku's proudest possession was Deku Corp. ©. It was actually one of the biggest corporations in all of Hyrule, which used the finest of wooden resources. As a bit of a gimmick, Deku Salesmen sold various items of the company for commission, finding it a lot better than selling to smaller business wholesale. These salesmen however, were not above… illegal activities.
"I have a business proposition, Mr. Scrub," Link began, rubbing his palms together, "I would like to get my hands on a Deku Shield, however, the only store that has them in stock is the local Kid & Fairy's."
The Scrub nodded as he listened to Link. He was taking all of this in; he could tell it was going to be an interesting day for him.
"I hate shopping in Kid & Fairy's, it's dank, it's dirty, and its customer service can go straight to hell."
The Deku Scrub would have smiled if it had a mouth to smile with, "I understand your plight, we Deku have been trying to do direct business in the Kokiri Village for years, but the Kid & Fairy's is already well established. We couldn't compete with it if we attempted to set up shop there."
"I see," Link said, continuing his proposition, "so how about this, we put the Kid &Fairy's out of business without you even setting up shop? I know that place like the back of my hand, and I can give you the floor plans."
Navi couldn't believe this. Link was dealing with the Deku Scrubs to make a military take down of a corner store, simply for a stupid wooden shield.
"Hey!" Navi called, "You have a sword, so why don't you just push Mido out of the way? I'm sure he won't fight back."
"Quiet Navi, I'm doing business," shooed Link, before he went back to talking to the Scrub, "so what do you say? You get a store, I get a shield. It's not even an even trade off."
"You can say that again," Navi said, "Someone is probably going to die today."
"Meet me and my boys in front of the Kid & Fairy's" the Scrub said, now rubbing his own hands together.
End of Chapter 3… To be continued… Navi will talk more in the next chapter…