A quick little author's note: I am a liar. A lazy liar. My goal was to update a least once a week and I actually put it on my profile that I was going to. But it didn't happen. You know Newton's first law? Whatever is in motion stays in motion and whatever is at rest stays at rest? I was at rest. Buuuuuut I got a bit of an unexpected success with this story, so thanks to my supporters I am going to get off my ass and update. If I haven't PM'ed you thanking you for a review or subscribing, I will get to that. I appreciate you guys and my fellow tropers. (You know who you are!)
Oh… and now that I'm thinking about it, in about 30 days, this story may be going on a long hiatus. I'll explain why as soon as I know if it is for sure. This however, is a bittersweet thing for you guys. I am going to be pushing chapters rapidly. But when I stop… well, its going to stop for at least three months straight. I'll keep you posted.
Legend of Zelda: Awesomeness of the Ocarina: The Shameless Deconstruction and Parody of a Well Respected Game
A Little Information: Deku Corp.©
The infamous Deku Scrubs own the mega corporation known as Deku Corp.©. Its main office sits within a deep and unknown area of the Lost Woods Region, however, the multiple Deku Salesmen traveling the land of Hyrule allows the corporation to prosper easily as revenue circulates well throughout the entire country. To find a Deku Salesman is about as easy as walking out of your house and finding the town grocery store.
Deku Corp.© is not without it's faults however. The corporation is very corrupt, just like most of Hyrule. While its products work just as well as wooden products should work, the company executives think nothing of the customer. The only thing they care about is money, and they make that money both legitimately and illegitimately, in most of the ways you can imagine. Smuggling, slave trading, drugs, racketeering, selling middle school children fake hall passes, Deku Corp.© is well known in the criminal underground.
However, their government connections allow them to be practically immune to the law, and as a result, anything they sponsor does unnaturally well. They possess an army of lawyers, they control small residences, and their screw ups are never made public. Deku Corp. ©. is, according to the public, the perfect company to work for.
Rumor has it that the company president actually resides in the District of Termina, but that will be elaborated on in Legend of Zelda: Epicness of the Mask: The Shameless Deconstruction and Parody of a Well Respected Sequel.
Kokiri Emerald Saga
Chapter 4: Do They See The Deku Tree Yet? Maybe…
Allan. That name belonged to the strange and persistent young man that Zelda just met. She knew that she was infatuated with him and she knew that, due to her circumstances and her status, it was a really bad idea simply to have a long conversation. But for some odd reason she just couldn't break herself away from him.
"Lets go for a walk, miss…" Allan held his last word in an attempt to drive a name out of Zelda.
The girl, having done this often, was quick to think of a alias for herself.
"Lexi. My name is Lexi," Zelda lied with a sweet smile on her face.
The young man also smiled, and when he did his face and the very world around him seemed to sparkle. If this were an animé or a manga, you would call this man bishonen. He was ridiculously pretty for almost no reason other than to seduce a sexually immature child known as Zelda.
Actually it was practically wrong… I don't think I'm allowed to even write about this stuff…
"Well, Miss Lexi?" Allen held his hand out, motioning for Zelda to take it.
"Damn my estrogen! Damn it!" Zelda thought to herself as she took Allen's hand and began to walk the crowded streets of Castle Town.
"I would like to thank you for helping Deku Corp.© grow and progress Mr. Link," the Deku Salesman stated as Link greeted him by Kid & Fairy's, "If you ever need a job, just call me."
The Deku Salesman took out two fresh business cards and handed them to both Link and Navi.
"Thanks much," Link said as he slid the business card into his Kokiri Wallet.
Navi wasn't as thankful though, and frowned at the card as she took it.
"Thanks but no thanks. I have a very great job already," she explained as she handed the card back to the salesman, "Besides, no offence, but I couldn't work for Deku Corp.© and feel good about it."
"You've been going on about that job for three chapters now! What is it that you do?" Link asked, which is basically the question that we are all asking, right?
"Well, Link, if you must know, before I got charged to hang out with you, I was hanging out with this generation's brightest young minds. I was widely respected among my peers and often sought after among those who have heard of me and my skills. I was given multiple awards and often praised by those who held, not only great, but positive influence towards the masses! I was…"
"You was a fairy stripper?" Link interrupted with his ignorance.
"NO!" Navi quickly retorted, "I was a…"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMM!
Navi was interrupted by an explosion. Kid & Fairy's had suddenly been blown to kingdom come right in front of Link and Navi's eyes. Flaming pieces of wood flew everywhere, and the entire forest immediately smelt of soot. Luckily they had stood a nice distance away from the store, allowing them to get away from the shock-wave unharmed. Multiple other Kokiri however, didn't come out so well. Tiny pieces of Kokiri landed everywhere as their little screams could be heard throughout the Kokiri Village.
"AAAAAHHHHHH! MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE!"
"AAAAAHHHHHH! I'M ON FIRE!"
"AAAAAHHHHHH! MY SPLEEN IS ON FIRE!
"Psh, not that he needs it," Navi scoffed.
"What the fuck does the spleen do anyway?" Link pondered.
"More importantly, why did the Kid & Fairy's blow up? Did you guys have something to do with this?" Navi accused the Deku Salesman.
"Of course not!" the Business Scrub gleefully stated as he winked at the boy and his fairy, "Deku Corp.© does not condone none business like behavior and illegal activities, such as rigging a convenience store with explosives and setting them off in order to put said convenience store out of business permanently."
"Wrong, this is so wrong," Zelda thought to herself as she walked with the older man known as Allen.
As the princess, she knew the law. Pedophilia was not something to be taken lightly. This man had to be in his early twenties, but she was barely in her teens. What did he want with her?
"Hey… I just want to confirm something…" Zelda began, "How old are you?"
"I'm nineteen," Allen answered quickly, "They say that how I think about women is wrong, but I don't see anything wrong about it, I love women of all ages! ALL AGES!"
Zelda didn't ask all that, but she got her answer nonetheless. This guy was a sleazebag. Not your average sleazebag though, he was a young, handsome sleazebag with no sense of age preference.
"When you say all ages, you mean…"
"Uh… hey, I'm not creepy or anything like that! I mean sixteen to one hundred!" Allan confirmed awkwardly.
Zelda sighed in relief. He was still a tad creepy though, and he was definitely a suspect, but for some odd reason, Zelda trusted him. Mostly this was because she was young, naïve, and easily influenced by the sexy.
"I looooove the smell of your body," Allan said as he sniffed Zelda's hair.
"Wait, WHAT?"
"Nothing," Allan replied and he strolled along, in the most none suspicious way possible.
The strange conversation paused as Zelda and Allan walked through the quiet back alleys of Castle Town. The young, naïve, and easily influenced Princess Zelda should have known never to walk through back alleys with men that she just met. Now really think about this, in the game, Link, a boy that Zelda never seen in her life, entered the castle unannounced and snuck up behind her. Yet, she trusts the boy immediately. Zelda is a dumbass.
"So, are you from this side of town?" Zelda asked, hoping to get some information out of the young man.
"No, I actually traveled here from Kakariko Village. My father worked in the castle as a chef."
"…a chef, you say?"
"Yes, I know I sound like a little kid when I say this, but my dad is the best chef in the world. Chef Daniel Anderson!"
Like being slapped in the face with a brick. That's the description of how Zelda felt after she learned that she just gave Allan's father the capital punishment… for giving her diarrhea.
"So your full name is…"
"Allan Anderson!"
"And if the princess ever did anything to him you would…"
"I would reach into her pussy and pull her skull through it!" Allan said this with the sweetest smile on his face. He wasn't crazy at all, no sir-ree Bob!
Zelda began to sweat. Not only was she walking with a possible covert pedophile, said pedophile might murder her to death if he ever learned that she killed his father. But maybe he wouldn't find out? Honestly, what are the odds of him getting into the castle anyway? Yeah, as long as he never learned who she was, she would be juuuuust fine.
My goal however is to join the Hylian Royal Guards! That way, not only will I be able to see my father everyday, I can also look after Princess Zelda directly! Allen said.
And then Zelda said this in her mind: "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!"
A group of Deku Scrubs appeared from behind the now burning Kid & Fairy's and met up with the Link, Navi, and the Deku Salesman. They seemed quite happy and proud of themselves in contrast to the rest of the village, where each of its denizens moved expeditiously and busily in an attempt to save the forest from the threat of a wild fire.
"Ah! Mr. Link! Here is your end of the deal, a top of the line Deku Shield!" said of the Scrubs as he handed the boy his new wooden shield.
"Thanks dudes! And you should be rewarded also. You just did the forest a favor by ridding it of it's horrible, horrible service!" Link thanked, taking his shield gleefully.
Navi merely scoffed… as always. "You blow up a store for 'horrible service?' Yeah, sure dudes. That's totally legitimate and not crazy."
"WHOA WHOA WHOA!" a Deku Scrub began after hearing this statement, "We didn't blow up this store! We was just going to talk to the manager, the explosion was a coincidence!"
"Yeah," co-signed another Deku Scrub, "It was a… um, gas leak."
"A GAS LEAK? IN THE FUCKING FOREST?"
Navi had no time to use logic however, because just then the unofficial boss of to Kokiri, Mido, appeared.
"LINK! WHAT DID YOU DO? WHAT DID YOU DO?" cried the Kokiri in a mixture of extreme anger and confusion.
"Damn Mido! Why you got to be like that? Why you got to accuse me of everything? Every time something happens in the forest, you point your finger at me! Is it 'cause I'm black? You're a racist!"
Navi could do nothing but sigh at this statement.
"Link! Chubs was in that explosion! He is in critical condition!" Mido explained.
"Damn, that kid is going to look horrible if he lives. Burn victims have horrible scarring. The worst in fact."
"No, no. When someone gets hit with acid… now that is the worst scarring."
"Dude it's the same thing! The acid burns your skin, so technically it still is a burn wound."
"Acid eats away at your skin. Being burned by fire and being hit by acid is not the same thing."
"Then really explain the difference, because I can't see it.
"Fine, okay, when a man is burned with fire, he…"
"THIS IS NO TIME TO BE TALKING ABOUT ACID AND FIRE!" Mido interrupted furiously, "JUST TELL ME HOW THE STORE BLEW UP!"
Navi, of all people, gave this answer: "Apparently it was a gas leak."
Mido's brain cells stopped working for about a second.
"A GAS LEAK? IN THE FUCKING FOREST?"
Mido was about to explode until he saw something that either mellowed him out completely or made him so angry that he crossed the line and went back to blissful. More than likely the later.
"Hey Link… is that the Deku Shield?" Mido asked calmly.
"Why yes, young Mido. Made from the strongest wood, so that it may protect me from the dangers that may come," Link tastefully mocked.
"And that… is that the Kokiri Sword?"
"Why yes, young Mido. I wield it tightly so that I may smite any enemy that stands in my way. And most importantly is the symbol that these two items make when they are placed together. It is the symbol of your defeat by my hands once again. It proves that your status as my rival is but a joke delivered by a sad clown and is dismissed just as quickly. It tells the depressing story of how a young man, you, constantly tries to face the invincible giant, me, in a battle of wits, yet even though you keep trying and keep trying, your sheer suckatude always causes you to be crushed by my sheer awesomeness. I weep for you, young Mido. I weep for others like you, who feel as though you could possibly defeat awesome main characters such as myself. In fact, maybe I can consider myself as a Mary Sue compared to you. Your shittiness as a character, no… as a soul in this universe, is only useful for one thing, and that is to glorify my existence. Lastly, this sword and shield is a reminder that no matter what you accomplish in your life, compared to me, you will always and forever be shit."
And with that, Link brushed past speechless Mido and FINALLY started down the path to the Great Deku Tree. Getting to the Deku Tree in the game is a 15 minute process, yet in this story it took FOUR FUCKING CHAPTERS PLUS AN INTRO. Now I can finally get on with the fucking plot!
"About damn time," Navi said as she rested on Link's head.
"Oh," Link stopped to wave to the Deku Scrubs before he departed, " Thanks again, Mister…"
Ezekiel Woods! the Deku Salesman said, finishing Link's sentence.
"Thanks, Mr. Woods! I totally trust that you won't comeback to bite me in the ass sometime in the future!"
"Of course not!" Ezekiel confirmed.
As Link and Navi left, satisfied, Mido finally spoke up, leaving Link to hear these final words: "YOU ARE TRASH LINK! I WILL NEVER RESPECT YOU AS A KOKIRI! NEEEEVVVVEEEEEERRRRR!"
End of Chapter 4... To be continued… because I love you… seriously…