Legend of Zelda: Awesomeness of the Ocarina: The Shameless Deconstruction and Parody of a Well Respected Game
More Story Background: The Deku Tree
The Great Deku Tree is the guardian spirit of the forest. While there were multiple Deku Trees before the current one, this living Deku Tree is in fact the oldest tree in the Lost Woods Region. As a result, he is also the wisest being in the forest, despite being rooted to the same spot since birth. The Deku Tree's intellect is justified by his spiritual powers, and his ability to retain much of the memories from his ancestors.
The Great Deku Tree has seen so little, but he has witness more than anyone else would in their lifetime. The Great Deku Tree has barely heard a thing, but his ears have captured more sounds than the world's greatest listener. The Deku Tree's power not only spreads through the forest, but throughout much of the Holy Land of Hyrule. His greatest spiritual ability is often said to be his foresight, for often times it was proven that the Deku Tree would know of a man years before that man will have ever learned of the Tree's existence.
But what is it that the Tree is weak in? What is the one thing that the Tree knew nothing about? Parenthood.
The Kokiri are actually a fairly new race, dating back a few hundred years. They were created as an experiment. An experiment to see if the Tree could create and raise life. Obviously, he didn't do so well. But regardless of the Kokiri's faults, he loves them nonetheless. The Great Deku Tree was the ideal father figure…
Kokiri Emerald Saga
Chapter 5: They FINALLY See The Deku Tree. But Shit Goes Down with Zelda.
Its not often that the Kokiri are allowed to see the Great Deku Tree, so whenever one is called to see him, it is an honor. Link himself has only seen the Great Deku Tree about three times over the course of his life, and he was excited. His heart began beating faster with each step he took, and the small 2 minute walk to the Tree's meadow seemed to take two hours.
Navi was also excited as well, but for a different reason. Fairies, unlike the Kokiri, meet up with the Deku Tree multiple times a year. Often to be assigned different jobs, or to be briefed on the changes in the forest. To give a comparison, the Great Deku Tree could be called the commanding General to the fairy military. Because of this, Navi simply wanted to know why he needed this boy so badly, and most importantly, she wanted to finally finish this assignment and get back to her old job.
When the duo reached the Great Deku Tree, they each had a different reaction. Navi flew directly towards the Deku Tree and landed on one of his branches, proud of herself for completing her simple task. Link on the other hand was never used to seeing the Tree, and the majestic aura that the Tree emitted made like Link weak in the knees.
"Navi!" boomed the Tree, "Thou hast finally returned. Link, welcome… I must say that it took you both quite a while."
"Yeah, I'm sorry Great Deku Tree, we ran into quite a few distractions," Link explained as he scratched the back of his head, "Anyways, sir, I know that you wanted to specifically see me since I'm awesome and all, but I have something I have to present to you…"
"LINK!" interrupted Navi, getting angry very quickly, "Stop being an imbecile! The Great Deku Tree doesn't care about your Cursed Weed!"
"Of course he wouldn't care if he hasn't seen my presentation! You haven't even given me a chance to sell it!"
"Marijuana is illegal in Hyrule! Plus it screws up your brain cells! And don't give me that, 'Oh, you can't get addicted to weed' bullshit!"
"You can't get addicted to weed!"
"Nooooo, you're not addicted, you're committed! I know how the shit works! You know what's wrong with you? You are a smart boy, practically a genius, but you want to use your skills to advance idiot-kind! THE WORLD DOESN'T NEED MORE POT-HEADS!"
"I'M NOT CREATING MORE POT-HEADS! I'M CREATING A NEW BREED OF POT-HEAD! YOU CAN NEVER UNDERSTAND NAVI!"
"FUCK YOU!"
"FUCK YOU BACK!"
"FUCK YOU WITH A STICK!"
"FUCK YOU WITH A... umm... BIGGER STICK!"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" when the Great Deku Tree curses, everyone shuts up.
Both Link and Navi hung their heads in shame. They had to have been terrible people to have made the Deku Tree swear.
"I understand that thou hast much to ask of me, but unfortunately, I have urgent business for thy."
Link picked his head up and listened curiously. Navi did the same thing, finally she was going to figure out what was so special about this bastard.
"The forest is falling into a darkness that it hast never known. The aura from this evil is powerful, yet those who are not sensitive to it never notice it. Link… I know that thou hast felt it."
"HE DID?" Navi inadvertently said aloud.
"I did? But…"
"Link, Navi, I have been cursed."
"WHAT THE FUCK?" exclaimed the duo simultaneously.
"Link… I need your wisdom and courage to combat this curse, and save me as well as thy woods."
"WHAT THE FUCK?" they both said again, even more surprised.
Deep within the Deku Tree lurked groups of highly intelligent criminals. Each of them held a specific assignment, and they each performed that assignment well and with excellent timing. Some workers were charged with mechanising the Deku Tree, by developing automatic doors and a sewer system. Others were charged with one of two much more important tasks, the two projects that made this all neccesary.
"HEY!" shouted one of the supervising Deku Scrubs, "Be careful where you're sawing! If we came across the Spiritual Stone, we all would get a promotion, but if you accidentally destroyed it, that's everyone's ass!"
"Sorry," responded a Gohma Larvae, "But I don't understand what I did wrong!"
"When working in an unknown area, you always check your surroundings! Plus you could hurt someone! Jezz..."
Some of these workers were miners, moving through the Great Deku Tree's root system in order to find the legendary Spiritual Stone. While it may be obvious that the Deku Tree may not be hiding the stone inside himself, the mining also served a method of torture, to get the Deku Tree to give up the Stone.
After his scalding, the young larvae did as told and checked it's surrounding area. Being in a rush however, it did not check as thoroughly as the Scrub would have liked, and resumed sawing the piece of wood that was planned to be used as a door. Just then, with horrible timing, another Gohma larvae passed underneath the work area just as the negligent larvae finished.
"TOMMY! GET OUT OF THE WAY!" shouted the supervising Scrub as it witnessed all this.
The larvae did the total opposite of what the supervisor wanted, and stood still, responding a quick, "What?" before it was smashed to death by the falling future door.
The door landed with a loud and expected thud, but what alerted the negligent larvae that something went wrong was when it heard the unexpected crunch of a spattered insect.
"Umm… s-sir… what just happened?" the larvae asked with a little fear quivering in it's voice.
"Tommy was under there Jim," the Scrub began coldly, "You just killed your own brother."
Jim's one freakishly huge eye grew even bigger and more freakish when he heard this news.
"NOOOOOOOO!" it cried, as tears formed around it's eye.
The hideous spider/frog/monster thingy then quickly sprinted away, unable to accept his deadly mistake.
"This is why there are child labor laws! So the stupid ass Gohma Larvae don't accidentally kill their own siblings!" the supervisor complained.
"Oh, get over it!" said another Scrub, "You know Queen Gohma is just going to pump out another one! We all know that the Queen is a slut like that!"
"Slut? I thought she reproduced asexually?"
"Are you sure?"
The Deku Scrub shuddered in disgust, "Please don't tell me that there is a 'King' Gohma! No way, that thing is not a mammal!"
"Ah, but even spiders mate! In fact... I seen quite a few male Gohmas entering the Queens chamber."
"David, please don't put that image in my head."
"You know what I heard? UGH! AAHH! GIVE IT TO ME! PUT IT IN DEEPER!"
"AAAAAHHHHH! BRAIN BLEACH! BRAIN BLEACH!"
This task was unbelievable. Link didn't know about anything the Great Deku Tree was talking about. Navi either, but what bothered her the most was that the Great Deku Tree chose a random Kokiri to complete this task. Probably the worst Kokiri at that, in fact he just helped blow up a building no less then an hour ago.
"But Great Deku Tree, this kid helped blow up a building no less than an hour ago! A few Kokiri died today because of him!"
"Navi! For the last time, I had nothing to do with that gas leak!"
"WE DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING GAS HERE! THAT'S THE STUPIDEST LIE I EVER HEARD!"
"NAVI! LINK! This is not the time to argue. Link, I understand that thou haft made mistakes in the very resent past, but thou art my only hope. Will you complete this task?"
Link thought about it for a moment: "Hmmm… save the Deku Tree… this is huge, but what do I know about… OH! Cursed Weed! Of course I can get rid of the curse! After all the Deku Tree is a plant! Maybe… maybe I will get a chance to smoke the Deku Tree! Hell yes! And of course when I save him, he will not have any other choice but to fund my research on Cursed Weed! I'm going to be the most famous Kokiri in the history of the forest! Yes, the Deku Tree is giving me the chance of a lifetime!"
"Yes, Great Deku Tree! I accept this task!" the boy finally said aloud.
If the Deku Tree had lips, he would smile at this very moment. Without hesitation the Tree slid down a part of his bark that could be identified as the mouth, and created an entrance large enough for multiple Links to enter at once.
"Well I'll be on my way back to my old job now. Its nice to have met you Link, though honestly, if I never saw you again for the rest of my life I wouldn't really care. You're a douche and I hope you burn in hell. Good luck though!" happily said Navi, just as she was about to leave.
"Navi," the Deku Tree began.
"I'm so sorry for being disrespectful Great Deku Tree, but I really disliked this mission. Taking a break from my old assignment for a while was a really great change, but I actually appreciate that job even more now."
"Navi, your mission is not yet done, you must accompany young Link as he goes through this trial."
Navi's face made a small but noticeable facial tick.
"What?"
"He said you were coming with me, fairy," Link answered.
Navi's blood pressure began to go up. Her light blue glow flickered as though she were about to explode soon. Her breathing grew shallow and rapid, and if her face could be seen, it would be described to be redder than an apple.
"Navi are you o…"
"FUCK NO I'M NOT OKAY! I AM TIRED OF YOU! I AM TIRED OF LOOKING AT YOU! I AM TIRED OF SMELLING YOU! I AM TIRED OF ALL YOU AND ALL OR YOUR IGNORANT KOKIRI FRIENDS! I HAVE BEEN TO SCHOOL, NOT TO BABY SIT LITTLE DUMB SHITS SUCH AS YOU, BUT TO TEACH THOSE THAT WANT TO LEARN! THAT'S WHY I GOT MY PH.D! THAT'S WHY MY NAME IS DR. NAVI G. FEY! YOU HEAR THAT DOCTOR! D.O.C.T.O. MOTHER FUCKING R! NOW ALL I WANT TO DO IS GO BACK TO THE COLLEGE THAT I LOVE, WITH THE MAN THAT I LOVE, AND TEACH THE STUDENTS THAT I LOVE, REAL BIOLOGY!"
"That's what you are? A middle-aged Biology professor? No wonder why you always nag about shit! And the fact that in the game you know about the general biology of multiple enemies… It all makes sense now! How in character!"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU KNOW NOTHING! NOTHING! GREAT DEKU TREE I REFUSE TO WORK WITH THIS BOY! I REFUSE!"
"Navi, Deku State University has been destroyed!" cut in the Great Deku Tree, hoping to stop Navi's rant.
It worked. Navi stopped dead in her tracks. At first she was redder than an apple, now she is paler than an onion.
"It…it has?"
"No," the Deku Tree confirmed, "But if you don't get inside me with Link, I will make sure that you never see the campus again!"
Navi pouted and landed on Link's hat. Satisfied by the circumstances, Link asked no further questions and proceeded inside the Great Deku Tree.
"Hey, I really thought you were a fairy stripper, but this makes much more sense, plus its not a cheap and predictible joke!" Link commented.
Navi rammed her tiny fist into Link's skull upon hearing this.
Zelda's heart pounded faster as she walked with Allan. She was afraid of his wrath and what would happen if he were to find out what she did. Her fear was actually showing through her act, causing her to shiver and behave even more awkward around the young man.
"Is there a problem, princess?"
"GGAAAAHHH!" shouted Zelda, causing attention to be drawn to her, "What did you call me?"
"Princess…" Allan replied, confused by Zelda's reaction, "Is that a problem? Don't you like to be called princess?"
"You think I'm Princess Zelda don't you?" Zelda asked, growing quite paranoid.
"Nooooo! That would be crazy!" Allan said with a smile on his face, "Why would Princess Zelda come out in the middle of town alone and dressed like you? No offence I mean!"
That was it. Zelda was now officially screwed in the head. Anything this guy said would fuck her up even more. She had to get away… but then he would probably appear at the castle. Maybe he was harmless… yeah. He couldn't have known that she was really Zelda. No, it was a lie, he DID know that she was Zelda! He knew from the beginning. Or maybe she gave it away? Or maybe he really didn't know and her imagination was going everywhere… MAYBE HE WAS WORKING FOR GANONDORF!
Zelda had to get rid of Allan… but how? What could she do…
Just then she saw a small carriage pass, driven by a large man in a blue jump suit. Zelda recognized the carriage and the man: it was Mr. Talon of Lon Lon Ranch. He was headed to the castle to make his twice a week milk delivery. At just that moment, Zelda figured out exactly what she was going to do.
"Mr. Allan, I need to talk to the Lon Lon guy. I want to buy some milk," Zelda said with no emotion in her voice.
"Sure, go right ahead, but don't go running away now! I'll catch you!"
Mind fuck.
"Excuse me sir!" Zelda called out as she ran to Talon's carriage.
"Yes, little girl," the man replied, with a very sleepy and lazy look on his face, "What do you need?"
"Well I need…" Zelda stopped for a second to figure out what she was smelling. There was a very strong stench coming from Talon's body, and Zelda couldn't figure out what it was. It wasn't a disgusting odor, but it burned the nostrils slightly. It was an awkward smell that you would never sense in a public place… but it was familiar, as it was the same smell that her father discharged a few soldiers for… wait…
"Is there a problem little lady?" asked Talon, as he looked directly into Zelda's eyes.
Zelda figured it out then. Talon's eyes were lazy and bright red. Zelda was smelling marijuana. Talon was a weed head. That answers everyone's questions about why Talon was always so sleepy and lazy. Don't do drugs, or you will be Talon. Talon fell asleep and forgot about his daughter in a large city filled with sexual predators. Above The Influence.
"May I please buy a bottle of milk from you sir?" Zelda asked sweetly.
"Yes you may!" Talon replied.
The upper middle aged man hopped off his carriage and walked to the back of it to search through his cargo. Without taking long, he pulled out a fresh bottle of the famous Lon Lon Milk and placed it in Zelda's hands.
"I normally charge 20 rupees for this milk, but for you, I'll only take 10."
"Thank you," she said as she reached into her pockets and handed the man two blue rupees, "And get yourself clean!"
"CLEAN? Bitch, I own a ranch! I don't need to get clean!" and with that, Talon was off to finish his delivery to Hyrule Castle.
Zelda shook her head, feeling sorry for Talon and forgetting Allan for a small moment. But it was a very small moment. As long as Allan was there, she could never get him out of her mind.
"Hey, Allan, come back here, I have something to show you!" Zelda said as she ran into a small, quiet corner.
Allan took the bait and followed. He developed a huge smile on his face as he walked towards her. Zelda had no idea what was going through his mind, but as far as she knows, he could be thinking that he is going to get lucky… the pervert.
"So, Ms. Lexi… you pulled me into an alley with no one around to see us. We are all alone… what is it that you want to show me? I bet I can guess…" Allan said as he motioned his hand on Zelda's hips.
Zelda was right, Allan was a perv, but she was ready. She looked around one more time to see if anyone was looking, and when she discovered that the coast was clear, she pulled out her fresh bottle of Lon Lon Milk. But this milk wasn't to drink, oh no.
SMACK!
Zelda swung the bottle hard and connected it with Allan's skull. The man had no defense against the girl's attack, and was just as quickly knocked unconscious. But Zelda didn't stop there, no, she smashed Allan's head with the bottle four more times, until she finally cracked Allan's skull and drew blood.
One more blow with the bottle satisfied her. She hit him so hard that his head made a crunching sound. The bottle also cracked too, but not enough to shatter it or make the milk leak. Checking his pulse to see if she completed the deed, Zelda discovered that Allan was in fact dead. Killed by blunt force trauma. Murdered in cold blood.
Zelda had only one task left, and that was to hide the body. Using what strength she had left, Zelda dragged Allan's corpse through the alley until she found a large dumpster.
"There!" Zelda thought to herself as she pulled Allan's heavy body.
Zelda opened up the top of the dumpster and attempted to push Allen's body inside. The body fell a few times, but Zelda eventually succeeded without even leaving a trail of blood. She then closed the top of the dumpster and sighed. Voilà! Allan was no more!
"Phew…" Zelda sighed once again, but then she realized the time, "Oh no! I'm going to be late for my studies!"
And with that, Zelda was back off to the castle, with her murder weapon bottle of milk still in tow.
End of Chapter 5... To be continued… Did Allan really know Zelda's secret? You will never know…