Shameless Self Promotion: Wow… dude this is the 7th entry to this Deconstructive Parody! Either you stupidly decided to skip through all the other chapters, or you have read everything straight through! To those that did the later, you guys are great! If you did the former, start over and try again. I highly appreciate the support, after all, without the reader, the writer is nothing.
But if you like this then allow me to recommend another one of my stories: So Close Yet So Far. It is a two-shot involving the Temple of Time and how it struggles with it's feelings toward Death Mountain. Yes, you read that correctly, it's a one-sided romance fic between two inanimate objects. …don't look at me like that! It's good, honestly. So when you are finished with this, go ahead and click on my profile and read and review So Close Yet So Far. And if you really like it, don't be afraid to add it to your favorites list!
Thanks Much,
Villain-of-Awesome
Legend of Zelda: Awesomeness of the Ocarina: The Shameless Deconstruction and Parody of a Well Respected Game
You Should Know This: Dr. Navi G. Fey, Ph.D
Dr. Navi Gates Fey, or better simply known by her first name, Navi, is a middle ranking fairy born in the Lost Woods. She is in her early thirties, though she can fit in well with young adults.
Ever since she was born she had a love for learning new things. Such a passion allowed her to attend some of the top fairy schools in Hyrule, and continue her education until she finally earned her doctor's degree in biology. As a result, she is well learned when it comes to the creatures in Hyrule, and she is also well traveled, allowing her knowledge to expand beyond that of the Lost Woods Region.
As she gotten older, she began teaching at Deku State University. Teaching became her number one passion, and everyone knew it. Her students loved her but of course that wouldn't stop some of her co-workers from being jealous of her. At DSU she also met another young fairy, who held the same passion that she had. His name was Joseph, and Navi just knew that he was going to ask her out. But he never got a chance to, because the Great Deku Tree soon sent her on another assignment: her current job with Link.
Navi is very angry and annoyed by her current situation. She doesn't understand why she had been taken away from her perfect life, to work with a member of one of the few races that she absolutely hated, the Kokiri. She doesn't think its fair. She loved her life, she enjoyed everything about it, but to have it suddenly taken away for this?
"It's a good thing it's only temporary," Navi thought.
If only Dr. Fey had a clue…
Kokiri Emerald Saga
Chapter 6: Break The Curse With Sex Jokes! Seriously, They Couldn't Be Avoided.
"Wow…" Link began as he walked into the large and brightly illuminated insides of the Deku Tree, "He is much more hollow than I thought!"
"Hollow? No way, this isn't right!" Navi stated, just as awestruck as Link.
The duo walked a small distance away from the entrance, and took a look at their surroundings. The Deku Tree's insides were built as though it was meant to hold several groups of people. It contained ramps, doors, ladders, office equipment, cubicles, and what looked like a smoothie bar.
"What kind of bastards would build a smoothie bar inside of the Great Deku Tree? He is a sacred being for God's sake!" Navi shouted, highly disapproving of what she saw.
"What the…" said a passing Deku Scrub when here overheard Navi, "In-INTRUDERS!"
WHOOP!
WHOOP!
WHOOP!
That was the sound made by the emergency alarm that was set off. Link and Navi looked at each other, totally confused at what was going on.
"INTRUDER ALERT, INTRUDER ALERT, ALL TRAINED PERSONAL PLEASE REPORT TO THE FIRST FLOOR AND ENGAGE THE ENEMY!"
That was what the voice that went with the alarm said. It was at that moment that Link and Navi knew that they were in deep shit.
"LETS GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!" Navi screamed to Link as her heart pounded. She didn't care what was going on, she wasn't trained to fight. She wasn't a combat fairy.
"I AGREE!" the boy replied, and ran straight for the entrance. Link agreed on this mission to break a curse, damn the Deku Tree for neglecting to tell him that an illegal operation was going on inside of him.
The two almost made it to the opening of the Deku Tree's mouth before it suddenly closed on them, blocking their path to safety. They were now trapped, and it was only a matter of time before the two were accosted by a group of large spiders with giant human head shaped skulls on their backs.
"SHIT! WHAT ARE THESE BIG ASS SKULL SPIDERS?" Link asked, more out of fear than out of curiosity.
"They're skulltulas!" Navi spit out, "You have to attack their soft bellies!"
And Navi was right by using the word "attack." They were in a fight or flight situation, and as of right now, that flight option was out of the question.
"I SURRENDER!"
That was Link picking a third option.
"NO YOU IDIOT! USE YOUR SWORD!" Navi urged, as her bright light turned yellow.
"But I don't know how to fight!" Link admitted. And why would he? There was no evidence of him ever having touched a sword, let alone trained with one.
Unfortunately for Link, his third option was not recognized, for the giant skulltula used one of it's eight legs to take a swipe at him. Link, thinking on his feet, dodged the attack by rolling to his side. The boy then scrambled to get up, and attempted once again to run away from his attackers.
The group consisted of three big skulltulas. Neither one seemed very intelligent, they were probably the attack dogs of whoever was controlling this operation in the Deku Tree. Link shook up one of the spiders like a basketball star and ran directly for the smoothie bar. At first the direction he was going was just a coincidence, but then an idea suddenly popped up in his head.
"HEY! MAKE ME A STRAWBERRY BANANA SMOOTHIE!" Link shouted to the Deku Scrub who was manning the counter.
"LINK!" Navi shouted as she closely followed Link, "This is no time for a drink!"
"Don't worry, I have a plan, as always!"
"Will that be Tall, Giant, or Gargantuan?" the smoothie maker asked.
"Why can't they just say small, medium, or large like a normal store? The fuck is wrong with coffee shops?" Link thought before exclaiming, "GARGANTUAN!"
In less than a minute, the smoothie maker created the best strawberry banana smoothie that you could ever have. Mixed with real fruit in with the creamy Lon Lon Milk and a small cup of real fruit juice. It even had a few strawberry and banana chunks mixed in, to give it an extra little treat.
"That'll be five rupees," said the smoothie maker.
"Thanks," Link said once he reached the stand.
Link tossed the smoothie maker a blue rupee and grabbed the gargantuan smoothie. He then turned to face the incoming skulltulas and stood in a battle stance.
"Please tell me that you aren't going to fight them with a smoothie," Navi moaned as she watch Link get into a fighting stance while holding a drink.
Link didn't answer, instead he swung the smoothie cup horizontally, causing the drink to fly out of the cup and splash on the spider's faces. The skulltulas did as Link predicted, and stopped in their tracks in an attempt to wipe their faces. This was when Link finally pulled out his Kokiri Sword and charged for a deathly attack.
With the skulltulas blinded by the fruity drink, Link was able to attack them with little resistance. He used his foot to kick and flip the spiders over and did just as Navi advised: stab them in the stomach.
Navi was impressed. Link killed three monsters easily, though it cost him some money to do it.
"I guess you're a strategic genius after all," Navi said, as Link walked proudly back towards her.
"What? Navi giving me a compliment? Well that's different!" Link joked.
"You know what else is different?" asked the smoothie making Deku Scrub.
"What?" Link and Navi curiously asked simultaneously.
"Being attacked by a smoothie maker!" the Deku Scrub then immediately leaped on his bar, "EAT MY NUTS BITCH!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAHHHHH!"
The Deku Scrub supervisor, David heard these screams coming from Queen Gohma's room. He knew he had to report to her about the intruders, and it took priority above all else, but he was afraid to knock on the door.
He couldn't imagine what was going on in there, and quite frankly, he didn't want to know. Queen Gohma always had male Gohmas enter her room, and he knew that they were her many sexual partners, so if he was to enter her room while someone already inside, he was pretty sure it would scar him for life.
"AAAAAAHHHHHHuugghhhh…."
And that really didn't sound like good sex…
David was about to turn around and try again later before the Queen's door suddenly shot open. David immediately grew fearful and closed his eyes. He didn't know whether the Queen heard him, or if someone was coming out. And it didn't matter either, David just didn't want to be there. It was the wrong place at the wrong time.
"David," Queen Gohma said from inside her room, "I wasn't expecting you, come in."
David slowly opened his eyes and did as told, but to his surprise Gohma was the only one there. Her partner was nowhere to be found. David still didn't feel comfortable though, he just came from the only entrance to that room. How could Gohma's partner have possibly left?
"You're looking around like you expected to see someone else," Gohma said, amused, "Did you expect someone else?"
"Umm… well…" David didn't know what to say.
"You don't have to look anywhere for my guest. I ate him already."
David's eyes grew wide, "You ATE him?"
"Of course! I'm a female spider monster! And as a female spider monster, we always eat the men that we have sex with!"
David didn't know whether to throw up or to go, 'OOOOOHHHH! Now I get it'.
"Well, Mr. David? There was a reason why you came to see me today. Do you need anything… pleasured?"
"No, oh hell no!" David reassured quickly, "I'm here to tell you about the intruders, ma'am!"
"Oh, you mean the Kokiri and Dr. Fey? I know all about them! I'm so glad that they are here too, that bitch Dr. Fey gave me an F! She knew I had around 200 kids to take care of!"
"Wow…around 200 kids?"
"Well, I could never keep up with them. And I can never keep a man, so... yeah."
"Yeah... well, if you don't need anything then…"
"But Mr. David… I do need something," Queen Gohma's voice became low and as seductive as she could possibly make it, "Come here… and I will show you."
"OH NO, NO, NO, NO!" began David, slowly backing away from Gohma, "I am busy! I have work! I have to capture the intruders...and I have a wife!"
But Queen Gohma wouldn't take no for an answer, and pounced on David, penning him to the ground.
"Now gimmie that hard wooden Deku Stick!"
David did nothing but scream, "NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"GODDAMMIT! STOP SHOOTING YOUR NUTS AT ME!"
Link's plea was unheard as the Deku Smoothie Maker continued to spit Deku Nuts at him. The boy dodged as many as he could, but he was beginning to grow tired. When all his energy finally depleted Link stopped to rest, but because he was still in the line of fire, he was soon smacked in the face hard by one of the Deku Scrubs nuts.
"Oops! How do my nuts taste in your mouth?"
"STOP MAKING GENITALIA JOKES! WE GET IT!" Link shouted… probably mostly at me since I'm the author and all and I'm the one writing all this. Seriously, didn't you joke about this while you were playing Ocarina of time? A monster that shoots his nuts at you? Come on! That's about as easy as a joke as the Redeads that hump your brains out! Speaking of the which, when Redeads are introduced in this story, I will not make that joke. It's too overused.
"Are you finished now? Can we get on with the story?" Link then said to me.
Yes.
"Link! Smack his nuts with your shield and hurl them right back at his face!" Navi said to Link in his ear.
Link nodded and took Navi's advice. He pulled out his Deku Shield and equipped it to his right arm, ready to take all the nuts that the Deku Smoothie Maker spits at him.
"COME ON! TRY TO NUT ON MY FACE NOW… wait, no, that was so gay. Um… YOU COULDN'T EVEN GET ONE NUT IN THE HOLE IF YOU TRIED!"
The Deku Scrub really did not like what Link had to say, so he fired another nut at him, but not before saying, "SUCK MY DEKU…BALLS!"
Yep, that was a nice alternative. But speaking of balls, in Wind Waker, Link used giant Deku Nuts as golf balls, and had to get them each in the hole so… HAHAHAHA! I am so going to joke about that in Legend of Zelda: Winds of Awesomeness: A Shameless Deconstruction and Parody of a Visually Polarizing Game.
"But you didn't even write Legend of Zelda: Epicness of the Mask: A Shameless Deconstruction and Parody of a Well Respected Sequel yet!"
"LINK, WILL YOU STOP TALKING TO YOURSELF AND REFLECT HIS NUTS?"
As soon as Link remembered the situation, he immediately put up his guard. The Deku Nut that came speeding towards him bounced off of the Deku Shield and smashed directly back into the Deku Scrub. The Scrub was neither as durable as Link nor as prepared as him, as a result, the attack put him in a daze and left him open for capture.
Link and Navi took advantage of this situation, and ran directly to the Scrub.
Towering over it, Link took the opportunity to say these words: "How does it feel being smacked in the face with your own nuts?"
"DAMMIT! Link! That joke has been severely overdone! It's time to stop!"
"Yeah your right. I don't even think we can use that joke for another ten or so chapters. Probably not even for the rest of the story."
"What…what are you going to do to me?" asked the Scrub, hoping for mercy.
"We are going to ask you some questions, such as 'what the hell is happening inside the Deku Tree?'," Navi asked the lone Scrub, "If you don't answer us, don't expect to live!"
"Okay! Okay!" began the Scrub, "Deku Corp.© has a new business partner, and to support him, we are using the Deku Tree as a weapons manufacturer!"
"A WEAPONS MANUFACTURER?" Navi shouted. She couldn't believe her ears, the Deku Tree… used to create weapons? This had to be some kind of blasphemy!
But it explained everything. The automatic doors, the lights, why the Great Deku Tree was so hollow, the Deku Tree was being used as a place of work! And Deku Corp.© was screwing over the Tree!
"Who is in charge of this place?" Link asked the Scrub, "And how do we get to him?"
"Queen Gohma is the boss of this dungeon," the Scrub answered, "To get to HER, you need a special code. 2...3...1... twenty three is number one.
"Queen Gohma eh? Sounds familiar," Navi stated, "but more importantly, who is this 'new business partner'"?
"He is a man from the West! His name is Ga- URRP!"
A bullet in the form of a Deku Seed shot through the Scrub's wooden skull and landed in his brain, killing him instantly.
Link and Navi looked to see where the bullet came from, but the only thing they saw as a shadow zipping off. A sniper.
The duo immediately dropped the Scrub's lifeless body and ran up the ramp in an attempt to catch the killer, but they were too late. The sniper was long gone, and the only thing that was left of it was his gun: a Fairy Sniper Rifle.
"This is mines now," Link said, claiming the rifle for himself.
"Why would they kill their own man? Was keeping the secret of the partner so important that they had to kill him?" Navi thought out loud.
Whatever the answer was, these two knew that they have gotten into some deep shit. Whatever was going on was bigger than they ever thought possible…
End of Chapter 6... To be continued… Seriously, I'm not making anymore nut jokes…