Legend of Zelda: Awesomeness of the Ocarina: The Shameless Deconstruction and Parody of a Well Respected Game
More Exposition: Link
Not very much is known about Link, yet everyone that grew up around him could tell that he was different. The boy never attracted a Guardian Fairy, yet unlike the rest of the Kokiri, he found no difficulties in living without one. He learned his multiple skills on his own, and his knowledge of the outside world was as vast as a "sheltered" child could be.
Eager to learn about the outside, Link often picked up imported books pertaining to the Holy Land of Hyrule. He learned about the mountains, the sea, the deserts, and cities. He also discovered more about the human body than his Kokiri peers. His constant reading of multiple subjects helped develop his strategic thinking skills, allowing him to become the tactician that he is today.
He is still, however, a delinquent. Living amongst the Kokiri, a group of children that provided no positive examples, helped shape his character. Link is selfish and egotistical with a large lack of a moral code. His ideas of fun also cause senseless destruction, whether that be physical, mental, or even self.
The call of the Deku Tree actually gave him a purpose however. It gave him something to do that was good for another person. It was finally a mission that allowed him to use his skills for good things. Maybe Link was a better person than everybody thought he was.
"I'm really not. I'm pretty much a static character that probably won't develop personality wise," says Link.
Well… maybe not.
Kokiri Emerald Saga
Chapter 7: Link answers the Call of Duty. Just Read the Chapter, You Will Get It.
"This is fucking horrible, Link! We have to save the Great Deku Tree!"
Navi shouted those words, and they rang loudly in Link's ear. She was right, the Great Deku Tree did need to be saved, and he was the one who had to do it. He hated the idea, he was not the type of person to put his own life in danger. He would rather plan things out, and let others do the dirty work for him. That's how he beat Mido so much and so easily without ever so much as touching him.
In fact, Link slowly began to doubt himself. After all, the only thing he really wanted to do was sell his Cursed Weed. And even that was out of the question, the damn thieves. Adventuring and fighting strange beasts? He wanted no part of it.
"Navi, I don't think I can do this… I mean look, the shit hit the fan! I thought the Deku Tree simply had a ghost or something that I needed to exorcise. We are fighting Deku Corp.©! I'm in good with Deku Corp.©, I don't want to betray them!"
"BETRAY THEM?" Navi turned red upon hearing Link's nonsense, "THEY ARE KILLING THE GREAT DEKU TREE! The Deku Tree is the creator of almost everything in these woods! He created you! Link, the Great Deku Tree is your father!"
"But… Navi…"
"THEY ARE KILLING YOUR DAD!"
There was no point in arguing with Navi. She felt to strongly about the Deku Tree, but none of the Kokiri really cared about the Tree anyway, so Link didn't see the point. The only thing good that could possibly come out of this was the Great Deku Tree's eternal gratitude and the glorious privileges that were only granted to people of the highest respect… actually, now that Link thought about it, this saving the Deku Tree thing wasn't so bad anyway.
"Hey Navi, what do we do next?" Link said with renewed determination in his voice, "We have to save the Great Deku Tree as soon as possible!"
"That's the first sensible thing you said all day!" Navi said.
The duo sat and thought for a while about what they could possibly do next, until an answer finally hit Navi while she was looking down at the first floor.
"There Link! We have to go through that spider web!"
"How in the hell are we suppose to do that? You see how thick and huge it is? Link isn't going to get fucked in the ass by a giant spider today!"
Oh how ironic Link's statement is going to be.
"Link, nothing is going to happen to you. If you jump down from here, the speed of your fall should be enough to force you through the spider web, and send you to whatever is happening down below."
"Hells no! I ain't jumping into no pit of doom!"
Funny how Link jumps into several pits of doom over the course of the series.
"Well what ideas do you have?"
"How about we find an exit, and get the fuck on outta here. I changed my mind about saving the Deku Tree! He can wither in hell!"
And as though it had a cue, a giant skulltula slid down the ceiling on a web and flashed its skull shaped back at Link. The sudden appearance of what looked like a human head scared the ever living hell out of Link, causing him to jump backwards and accidentally fall off the cliff.
"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" cried Link as he fell back-first into the spider web that covered a large pit.
Navi's assumption was correct. The speed of Link's fall allowed him to gain enough force to break through the spider web.
SPLASH!
Link then crashed into the small stream in the basement of the Deku Tree, or from a more biological standpoint, his root system. The boy gasped for air as soon as his head risen out of the water, and he took a quick look around the area to understand his current surroundings.
"It seems…" Navi began once she caught up with Link, "that we have stumbled upon either a sewer system or some other water related facility."
Link really didn't care where he was, he just wanted to get out of the water and back on his own two feet. Damn the skulltula for scaring him half to death; if he had seen it earlier he would have shot it to death.
"Come on Link, lets keep moving."
Navi flew directly to an automatic door, followed by Link, who only just recently got out of the water. The soaking wet Kokiri angrily walked through the door, only to have that anger replaced by shock.
The next room was filled with conveyor belts, all holding some sort of Deku brand firearm. Deku Pistols, Deku Shotguns, Deku Uzis, Deku-47s, and even some none lethal weapons such as Deku BB Guns, and the child's toy, the Deku Slingshot.
"Heh, imagine me using a slingshot to kill giant monsters!" Link said with a small smirk on his face.
That smirk didn't last long however, for Link's very presence was not welcome. Five young, working class Deku Scrubs stopped the jobs that they were doing and prepared for battle. They each grabbed a Deku Weapon and the correct seed-bullets, and immediately began firing at the Kokiri and his fairy. Link and Navi had walked into a fire fight!
"SHIT!" shouted both Link and Navi as they ducked behind the nearest cover that they could find.
Link pulled out his Fairy Sniper Rifle; it wasn't the best thing for a fire fight like this, but it was all he had. Navi on the other hand struggled to find a weapon of her own.
POW! POW! POWPOWPOW! BANG! ZOOM! POW!
"YOU'RE OUTNUMBERED BITCH KOKIRI!" announced one of the Deku Scrubs, "JUST GIVE UP!"
"HELL NO!" replied Link, "YOU GIVE UP! DROP YOUR GATS!"
"YOU'RE TRYIN' TO GET US TO SURRENDER?"
The Deku Scrub just laughed and continued to fire upon the duo. Navi spotted a Deku Pistol nearby and knew she had to go for it. Her choice of weapon wasn't a choice at all, the Deku Pistol was the only thing she would be able to use properly. Not that it mattered. She needed something to defend herself with.
"THEY BUSTIN' ON US NAVI! WE NEED A PLAN!"
"DID YOU JUST SAY THAT, 'THEY BUSTIN' ON US?' DUDE, SHUT THE FUCK UP AND KEEP DISTRACTING THEM!"
Link was just doing that, inadvertently of course. Because of the huge contrast in size and the fact that Link was shooting back at them, the Deku Scrubs unintentionally ignored Navi. This worked to her advantage, as she was able to easily slip from cover and grab and Deku Pistol.
POW!
One shot from Navi was enough to shut up one of the Deku Scrubs. It was hit directly in between the eyes with a Deku Seed, killing it instantly.
"OH SHIT! BOB! THEY KILLED BO-" POW!
The second Deku Scrub wasn't able to finish his sentence, as Link easily shot him while he was distracted. Only three Scrubs now remained in the room.
"God dammit!" one of the Scrubs began to say as he continued firing, "They killed Bob and Andrew."
"They were good men." a second Deku Scrub said in response to him.
"I hate this! I knew I should have went to corporate, but noooooo, says my wife! You have to stay closer to family!"
POW! POWPOW! ZOOM! TING!
"Heh, what does she know anyway? You defiantly would have been getting a lot more money!"
"Don't I know it? I probably would have had my own office and everything."
"So how is the baby?"
"Oh he's doing fine! He's just a little one year old stump right about now, but as long as he has his father, good old me, than he'll be-" POW!
Link finished off another Deku Scrub with his Fairy Sniper Rifle. And with good timing too, for that last shot made the boy have to reload his firearm.
"RELOAD!" Link shouted to Navi, explaining his reasoning behind the sudden pause.
"YOU FUCKING CAMPER FAGS!" shouted a Scrub in response to his comrade dying.
"STFU NOOB! GTFO!" Link responded as he loaded his weapon.
Navi merely shook her head at the stupidity of the scene happening around her. She then noticed a clear opening that she could get to and made a mad dash for it, hoping that this new spot would allow her to end this quickly. She was right, for the enemy did not notice her as he continued to fire at Link.
POW! The fourth Deku Scrub was shot in the leg. But it wouldn't go down that easily. It immediately grabbed it's Deku Pistol and began firing at Navi, hoping to utilize his 'last chance.'
"OH EM GEE! HAX!" shouted the Scrub as it fired constantly at the fairy.
But Navi was unfettered, and fired a single shot into the brain of the Deku Scrub. Then quickly, without hesitation, the fairy turned around and shot the final Scrub, killing it and clearing the room.
"NAVI! You scored a double kill!" Link said happily as he came out of his cover, "Heh! What a clever series of jokes. If the audience didn't get them, then they need to get their gaming resume up!"
Navi ignored Link's forth wall nonsense.
"Come on, lets hurry to the next room. They probably heard the commotion we started, and is probably coming back with reinforcements," explained Navi as she threw away her gun and proceeded to the next room.
"Yeah, that or they will probably respawn!"
This is your cue to face palm. Go ahead. I'll give you a minute. Are you done? Good. Lets continue on.
The duo soon enter a large round room. They expected to see something interesting, and they did, in the form of a single lone, Kokiri. The Kokiri's face however, was unrecognizable for it had been scared very badly.
"Hello… Link," the boy said with little emotion.
The face of the boy was unrecognizable, but his voice was distinct enough to recognized by Link easily.
"CHUBS!" Link shouted in excitement, "You mean the author actually brought you back with no explanation nor foreshadowing? WOW, he pulled you out of his ass hard. This would have never worked well in a serious story."
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" Chubs snapped, angered by his not understanding of the fourth wall, "AND MY NAME IS STEVEN!"
"Steven? Dude are you serious? That'll never catch on. Right, Navi?"
"Yeah, Steven is a bit of a bland name, I mean do you know how many Americans are actually named Steven? A lot of them. It's ridiculously common."
"Not that the author wants to pick on the name Steven like that, I mean his own personal name is Aaron. While it's not an incredibly unique name, it is less bland than Steven. I can simply call you Number 357 and it'll still be more recognizable than Steven."
"Yeah, I mean I actually like the name Chubs. I mean I understand why you don't like it, but I would rather go by that name than Steven."
"Yeah, its not even scary, it's like a weather reporter's name… like Bob."
"Personally, I think Bob is better than Steven."
"You're right Navi. Bob is better than Steven. If you had the name Bob, then you are going places. Plus Bob is a funny name. What joke can you make out of the name Steven?"
"None, you have to be really funny to joke about the name Steven. Speaking of which, I think I just killed a guy named Bob..."
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Chubs interrupted, fuming with anger, "YOU TWO ARE PROBABLY THE MOST HORRIBLE PEOPLE ON THE FACE OF THIS PLANET! I HATE YOU! YOU SEE ME COME BACK INSIDE THE DEKU TREE, AND YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A 'Steven, you're alive! What are you doing here? Look at your face! Are you okay?' NO! YOU COME AT ME WITH YOUR BULLSHIT AS ALWAYS! AND YOUR RACIST, SELF-CENTERED FAIRY IS NO DIFFERENT! TWO ARE THE SHIT STAINS ON THE EARTH'S ASS CRACK, AND YOU ARE BETTER OFF DEAD!"
Navi and Link said nothing for a long amount of time until finally, Link asked the one question to Navi that said everything about their characters.
"Hey Navi, do you actually care?"
"No, I don't give a fuck at all. You?"
"Nope."
That was all Chubs needed to hear. The Kokiri then pulled out his weapon, a pair of Deku-Chucks, and whirled them around ready to fight Link to the death.
"I always wanted to do this Link… now prepare to die!"
Chubs launched into the sky and came down hard with his Deku-Chucks in an attempt to smash Link in the head. Using his shield, the boy blocked the wooden nunchaku and back-flipped out of Chub's range. The Kokiri shop-clerk was unfettered by this however, and continued his assault on Link.
The boy was beginning to grow tired of this. The only thing that really saved him right now was his shield, for he wasn't skilled enough to fight the Bruce Lee wannabe with his sword. Plus the combat was much too close and distracting for his sniper rifle.
"WAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" was the sound made by Chubs as he was mimicking Bruce Lee.
Chubs continued his relentless assault on Link, as the defending boy grew weary. To make matters worst, a couple of Deku Babas suddenly grew in the room, ready to eat Link and Navi alive.
"Aw shit! As if things couldn't get any worst! Wait a minute…"
Link swallowed his words for an idea suddenly popped in his head. Spotting a sudden pause in Chubs' attacks, the boy went on the offensive and kicked Chubs hard in the stomach. Using his precious time wisely, Link ran away from the Kokiri shop-clerk and focused on a nearby Deku Baba.
"DON'T IGNORE ME!" Chubs shouted when he quickly recovered.
But Link did just that. The boy killed the Deku Baba without any problems and the evil plant reacted just the way he expected: It's flower-head immediately hardened into a Deku Nut, the very item that Link needed.
"FLASH BANG, BITCH!" Link shouted as soon as he picked up the nut.
Link threw the nut directly at Chubs' feet, causing it to explode in a bright flash.
"MY EYES!" Chubs exclaimed as he rubbed his eyes in agony.
Navi and the other Deku Babas were stunned just the same way.
"BASTARD! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME TO…" Navi never got to finish her sentence because Link quickly snatched her out of the sky.
The boy's entire plan was to stun Chubs, allowing himself the time to run away. And he did run away as he looked for the nearest exit, which happen to be a large hole in the ground leading even further into the tree-dungeon. Link didn't like the idea of going further down, but he had no choice. Either he ran deeper into the dungeon, or die by the hands of a guy like Chubs. The guy isn't even a dynamic character! I wouldn't want to be killed by his kind.
"THAT'S RIGHT BITCH! I NUTTED IN YOUR EYES!" Link shouted one last time before he hopped into the large hole.
Navi was not amused, "Link, first of all that was quite gay. Secondly, I thought we got over the nut jokes."
"I guess I had one more left in me!"
Navi merely glared at the boy, causing him to rethink his answer.
"Sorry, I'll never do it again."
When the boy landed on the bottom floor, he spotted a large and fairly inconspicuous door at the other end of the room, but what made it so odd was the fact that a Deku Scrub was standing in front of it, guarding it.
"I'M COMING FOR YOU!" shouted Chubs from above. Apparently the effects of the Deku Nut had worn off, and his eye sight was back to normal. Of course this wasn't a good thing, as the duo knew that Chubs was going to pursue them.
Link and Navi speed to the door, and was expectantly stopped by the Deku Scrub.
"What's the pass-code?" the Scrub asked bluntly.
"PASS-CODE? ARE YOU SERIOUS?" Link angrily replied, "WE HAVE AN ANGRY NUNCHUCK KOKIRI AFTER US!"
"No pass-code, no pass."
Link was about to draw his sword and fight the Deku Scrub, but Navi stopped him. She thought she knew what the pass-code was, and getting through without a fight would be more efficient than being distracted any further.
"2-3-1" said Navi.
"Twenty-three is number one. You may pass."
Link said nothing. This was a good thing either way, they could finally get away from Chubs. With no words said, the two ran into the door behind the Scrub… unfortunately for them, they ran into an even worst situation, for the room they entered was Queen Gohma's personal chamber.
End of Chapter 7... To Be Continued…
The end of the Kokiri Emerald Saga is near, will Link be able to defeat Queen Gohma? We know he will, but the point of this story is the question of how? And will Link come out unharmed? Or will Gohma scar him for life with her promiscuous ways? Find out in chapter 8 of Legend of Zelda: Awesomeness of the Ocarina: The Shameless Deconstruction and Parody of a Well Respected Game…