Legend of Zelda: Awesomeness of the Ocarina: The Shameless Deconstruction and Parody of a Well Respected Game

Kokiri Emerald Saga
Chapter 8: Kill the Whore! Death to Queen Gohma!

The fearless duo with ridiculously bad luck, Link and Navi, walked through the automatic door and into the next room. After a half of a second, the door slammed shut with a loud THUD, sealing the two in and terminating all chances to escape. Link and Navi were trapped, and they had no idea what was about to happen.

"We're trapped, and I have no idea what's going to happen!" Link said to Navi as he frantically looked around the room.

"No shit, really? YA THINK?" Navi squelched with anger, "We haven't accomplished shit! And now look at us; we're trapped like animals in the zoo! All because of those Deku bastards and that Gohma bitch!"

"Uhhhh!"

"Link, don't do that! You sound like you're having sex!"

"But, I didn't do anything!"

"UUUUUHHHH!"

"If that's not you, than who is it? We're the only ones here!"

"YES! YES! YES!"

"Maybe we're not…"

The twosome looked around in an attempt to find the source of the voice. But they saw nothing.

"I'M COMING!" the voice shouted in ecstasy.

"Coming? Coming where? Coming here?"

"I… think it meant 'coming' as in C-U-M. Not C-O-M-E."

"C-U-M?" Link then realized what he spelled, "OH GOD, EEEEEEEWWWW!"

Link shook his head, trying to get the image out, and just so happened to look up. What he saw scared and disgusted the bloody shit out of him.

"Hello! Welcome to my porno!" said the one-eyed monster (take that however you want) Gohma.

Unhealthily Promiscuous Parasite
GOHMA

Another male Gohma sat on top of the Queen, humping her brains out (I feel like I'm writing smut), and eventually forced her such a state of euphoria that her one eye rolled to the back of he head. Literally. Her eye went up so far back that it rotated 360 degrees and came back from the bottom. Link and Navi were not amused of course.

"That was the most disgusting thing I ever seen anybody do with their eyes… eye, I mean." Link said with a queasy stomach.

Suddenly, without explanation, Queen Gohma reached and picked up the male that she just mated with, and began eating him. The male Gohma had no chance to scream as he was being crunched on like breakfast cereal.

"I take it back… THAT is the most disgusting shit EVER!" Link said before promptly throwing up.

"Ah… It's been a while hasn't it Dr. Fey?" Queen Gohma said as she finished he meal.

"I knew I recognized you! You never changed," Navi replied as she folded her arms, "You could have been a great student, but boys were always on your mind. 24-7."

"I HAD KIDS! AND YOU FAILED ME!"

"YOU HAD KIDS AND YOU CONTINUED TO PUMP OUT MORE!"

"I CAN'T HELP IF I'M ADDICTED TO SEX!"

"YOU COULD HAVE GOT HELP!"

"YOU SAY THAT BECAUSE YOU CAN'T GET LAID YOURSELF!"

Gohma struck one of Navi's nerves, and Link was too busy throwing up after every sentence. Honestly, can you really think of the boss of the Deku Tree having intercourse? Not a pretty sight.

"THAT'S IT! LINK, KILL HER!"

"Kill her? Sure. We can't have things like that procreating…"

As soon as Link said that, the parasite laid three eggs, possibly out of spite. Each egg hatched a second later, revealing a newly born Gohma Larva, and each of them were programmed to kill Link and Navi on sight.

"GAH! She is like a baby vending machine!" Link shrieked as he ran from the baby Gohmas.

Upon hearing this, the baby vending machine leaped off of the ceiling and pounced on Link, penning him to the ground. Gohma made a loud shriek and began… snuggling on Link's crotch.

"AHHH! AAAHHH! GET IT OFF!" Link screamed as he tried to push the monster off of him.

Navi was busy herself, flying away from the Gohma Larva. All three baby parasites followed her closely, and each had the ability to leap high enough to reach her. The fairy moved around hectically in her attempts to evade the Gohma babies, and upon seeing Link, she flew directly too him, hoping for protection.

"LINK! Help me!"

"I'm a little BUSY right now!" the boy shouted back.

He still hadn't gotten Queen Gohma off of him, and he was beginning to grow desperate.

"You know, Mr. 'Link,'" Gohma began, "I loooove me some Kokiri! You have the best…equipment!"

"AAAAHHHHHH!"

Without thinking, Link immediately grabbed a handful of dirt and threw it in Gohma's eye. The parasite squealed when the dirt connected with her eye, and immediately released Link to focus on her vision.

In response to their mother's crying, the Gohma larva dashed towards Link with bloodlust in their eyes (no pun nor attempt at any word play intended). Knowing that he was in for a fight, Link equipped his Kokiri Sword and Deku Shield. Navi then flew by his side for two reasons, the first was for her own protection, and the second was to advise him.

The Larva vocalized a indescribable cry as one of them leapt at the young warrior. Link dodged the attempted tackle, and quickly impaled his sword into it, killing the larva instantly. Another Gohma baby tried the same thing, but it still didn't work because Link immediately kicked the thing in the face sending it flying.

The boy readied his blade for the third Gohma baby, but it never came. He was instead surprised by the fully recovered Queen Gohma, who rushed to him and struck at him with her right claw. Link successfully blocked the attack with his shield, but the strike knocked him off of his feet and to the ground.

"Link! Go for the eye! Shoot the bitch in her eye!"

Link did not argue with Navi and did exactly what he was told. While still on the ground, he reached for his Fairy Sniper Rifle and fired at Gohma without aiming. Of course this was a bad choice; the bullet missed it's target by a mile.

"SHIT!"

Link prepared to fire again, but he was too slow. Gohma used her claw to scoop Link up off the floor, and immediately carried him up the walls.

"Wha! What are you doing?" Link asked as he tried to pry himself out of Gohma's claw.

"I TOLD you that I liked Kokiri! I'm going to give you some ass… and then I am going to eat you like a little green vegetable!"

"NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!"

"YES!"

This debate continued until Link was finally taken out of the room.

"LIIIIIINK!" Navi cried, but her voice was unheard.

The fairy had been left to die as the two living Gohma babies approached her, hungry for their first taste of fairy.

A Month Ago

It was a dark and stormy night… no really, it was. The Great Deku Tree stood, rooted in his sacred meadow, anticipating the arrival of an evil man. He didn't have to wait long that night, for the man arrived quickly and quietly, somehow leaving the Kokiri Village undisturbed.

"Great Deku Tree!" the man in black armor began, "It's an honor!"

"Ganondorf!" the Great Deku Tree called out, "Thou need not ask! I shalt not give thou thy Spiritual Stone!"

"What? How did you know I wanted the stone?"

"Thou should kowthe not to spread thou words on the Twitter!"

"The Deku Tree has Twitter?" the man named Ganondorf thought, not knowing what to make of this revelation, "Whatever. What the fuck is up with your Middle English though? I mean… 'kowthe?'

"How pitiful, is thou education…"

"SPEAK REGULAR!"

"Fine! Look, I ain't givin' you no Spiritual Stone! So you can take your ass out!"

Ganondorf smiled at this statement. He figured that the Great Deku Tree would refuse his demands, so he decided to use Plan B: torture.

"G.D.T! Why you got to be like that?" Ganondorf said, with a big smile on his face, "You know… you do seem like you need some stress relived. I'm going to send you my best hoe tonight. Her name is Gohma. When she finishes with you, I'm sure you will want to pay me back with the Spiritual Stone!"

"Try your worst!" the Tree retorted, "You will never get your hands on the stone!"

"We'll see about that! Stupid as forest trying to fuck with us; we the best, son!" Ganondorf walked after saying this, but just before he got out of the sight of the Deku Tree, he said one more thing: "WEST SIDE MUH-FUCKA!"

A small bit of time had passed since Link and Navi were separated. The boy knew nothing of Navi's fate, but he knew that his own wasn't looking so bright. Link was currently stuck in a large spider web, rapped up so tightly that he could barely move his fingers. Gohma herself circled around Link with glee, happily examining her new catch.

"You expect me to talk?" Link asked Gohma as he tried his best to break from his bonds.

"No, Mr. Link… just like you shouldn't expect the readers to find that James Bond reference funny."

Link gasped, "You can see the fourth wall?"

"Can't everybody?"

At just that moment, a door to the chamber opened, revealing a pudgy young Kokiri with a heavily scarred face and wielding a weapon: Deku Chucks.

"Chubs!" Link shouted, happily, "Look, I know we have had our problems in the past, but you really can't let me die here! I owe you, I swear, so can you please get me down?"

"Get you down? Why would I do that?" Chubs asked with a psychotic smirk on his face, "Me and Gohma are together! Why would I let her dinner get away?"

Link's jaw dropped, "Together? What do you mean 'together?'"

At that point, Queen Gohma crawled down next to Chubs. The Kokiri smiled when the parasite stood beside him, and quickly without hesitation, gave Gohma a long wet kiss. Link turned pale when he witnessed this.

"Yes," said Chubs, "Queen Gohma is my woman."

The only way Link could have possibly been more shocked was if he were suddenly struck by lightning. Right in front of him was the insane pairing of Queen Gohma and a Kokiri. Link's world had turned upside down… and so did his stomach.

"Hey but… your… ugh… 'woman' wanted to rape me! What do you have to say about that?" Link announced hoping to cause some sort of conflict.

"LIES!"

Chubs didn't want to hear it. He was too deeply in love with the parasite. Link could do nothing by sigh in both disgust and pity as he watched the two make out once more.

"YOU LITTLE SHITS!"

Navi couldn't do anything but scream obscenities at the newborn Gohmas as she flew away from them. Not that it did much to them, the Gohmas just continued chasing the fairy. She needed to think of something quickly; she couldn't keep this up all day.

"Dammit! I can't kill Gohmas myself! …wait… wait a minute!"

Navi had a great idea. She decided to use something that she had already used once that day. Something that you probably forgot about because it was used all the way back in chapter one.

"FAIRY PEPPER SPRAY!" she shouted as she pulled the nonlethal weapon out of her purse.

The newborn Gohmas were not yet smart enough to run away upon hearing this. They continued to pursue Navi, only to get sprayed in the eye with the substance. Being optical monsters, the Gohmas… Gohma? Gohmen? Whatever. The Gohmas died because they couldn't take the spray.

"Now I got to find that bastard, Link…" Navi thought to herself, before flying off in the same direction that she last seen Link taken.

End of Chapter 8... To be continued...