Chapter 3
I managed to make it into my apartment without shedding a single tear. But as I threw the deadbolt, they seemed to just flow freely as though bottling them up had made them uncontrollable now. Without turning on a single light, I made my way to the bedroom, changed into my sleeping clothes, and crawled under the covers before I dissolved into full body sobs. And I just cried over the uncertainty of what was to come next, and the possibility that it wouldn't be what I want.
At some point the sobs subsided and I drifted off into a series of uncomfortable dreams each increasingly disturbing until I sat bolt upright in bed wishing that I'd never said anything. That my life as I knew it was over and I was going to have to give up the best friendship that I'd ever had all because I wanted more.
I stared into the mirror across from my bed, at my reflection for a few moments. The women across from me didn't reflect the turmoil that I was feeling inside. I could see that there was pain in the way she held herself. She wasn't shielding herself though; rather to me, she looked like she was braced for the blow. I looked into my own eyes and let out the breath that I'd been holding and nodded to myself. It's too late. There's nothing else that I can do besides wait. I threw back the covers and pulled myself out of bed. I would not let this day go to waste just because I was feeling sorry for myself.
And so I showered but that didn't take nearly as much time as I thought it should and so I took the time to blow dry and straighten my hair, even applied a little make up before going to work on my book. The page just stared blankly up at me, the next chapter would not come. It seems that Kathy's life reflected my own so much that I couldn't give her a direction until I had one. And so I started a sentence only to go back and erase it. Sometimes I would get a whole paragraph onto the page before I couldn't go any further, and would go back and start over.
Eventually I gave up and shut my computer with a frustrated sigh. There was nothing on TV. The local channels were all playing nonsense shows and despite the fact that I had the cable package, Booth had insisted upon, with its seemingly five thousand channels there wasn't a single one that attracted my attention. I didn't own a movie that I wanted to watch, and their wasn't a sporting event that I could even study.
I pulled out my yoga mat in hopes that I could go through a simple routine and would be able to take my mind elsewhere. But it didn't work, in fact I was incapable of balancing and everything seemed to pull in a manner that was certainly not good for me. Giving up on that too I pick up the stack of journals that I was behind on, only to flip through every page and not read a word.
I ignored every phone call. None of them were from him. I didn't check my email, and listen passively from the couch as Angela asked my answering machine where I could possibly be and why wasn't I answering anything.
The sun rose and fell over the dome of the capitol building and finally my clock read that it was late enough that I could consider going to sleep. Apparently, I wasn't going to hear from him today. But I didn't give him a deadline and so I would just have to hope that I would get an answer soon.
I slowly washed my face and brushed my teeth. Taking the time to comb out my hair and change the sheets on my bed before crawling underneath the covers tenderly in a worn t-shirt and yoga pants. Lying flat on my back, I stared up at the ceiling, glancing at the clock only briefly wishing sleep to come.
The little green numbers haunted my peripheral vision for hours as the night ticked on.
Ultimately, I did fall asleep only to be jerked awake for no reason. I glanced at the clock 2:23 I hadn't been asleep very long. I groaned angry at my own psyche for keeping me awake when I heard what must have been the reason for waking up in the first place.
BANG. BANG. BANG-BANG-BANG. His signature knock, two long and then three successive.
My breathing hitched, and I looked at my reflection catching the signs of hope in the women staring back at me. Taking a moment to scold myself as I got out of bed and pulled on my robe. Walking down the hallway as he fired off another set of knocks.
Taking a deep breath to calm my rapidly thumping heart. I threw the dead bolt and removed the chain, slowly opening the door to find him standing there wild eyed in his leather jacket, jeans, and Guys and Dolls t-shirt. His stubble was longer than the day before, and it looked like he'd been running his hands through his hair successively for hours.
Silently we stared at each other as I waited for him to say something first, after all he was standing on my doorstep.
Finally, he broke the tension with a heave of his shoulders as he let out a deep breath. Then he locked his eyes with mine and said. "I can't do this anymore."