Little drabble that Magicallioness prompted me. She wanted the opinion of Bethany/Carver about relationship between Anders and Hawke. But I also put lots of other emotional baggage in to make it... a letter, lol(otherwise it would be a length of the fridge note). Even thought Carver was dead on my canon Hawke (Bethany was taken to the Circle) but I've found him to grow up nicely, maturity vise and so I took him for my plot bunnies.

Enjoy!

The Letter Home

Dear sister,

It was nice seeing you back then in Kirkwall. And though the circumstances were really grim, I was glad you're being well and years have been kind to you. I felt guilty for not joining the battle and leaving you on your own but the Warden Code dictates neutrality.

The news about Mother was not a shock to me but I had no time writing you and asking how are you doing. You would be surprised how busy the life of the Grey Warden is. Seems even with the Blight gone there is still much to do. I visit countries I'd never thought I see and meet people whose name you might have heard in whispers of awe. Right now the Order is in the state of chaos and I wish I could share, but I took the oath of silence and cannot disclose what happens within the walls of Weisshaupt Fortress. Perhaps once.

But I seem to be talking about myself, again. I can see you cringing, sister, reading all that as you recognize me way too well, don't you?

I've been thinking a lot about life during these past few years. We all lost so much, whether we want to admit it or not. Death took our Father first, forcing you, as the eldest, to start wearing the pants in the family. I would be dead in Ostagar if not for you protecting my back. Bethany… Now Mother. It pains me to think you are alone now and there is no-one but uncle Gamlen to give you the comfort only family can provide. But I really doubt uncle knows what 'providing' and 'comfort' is.

At nights, when the nightmares plague me and I cannot fall asleep I keep thinking whose fault it is. Was it me being selfish and whine you into taking me to the Deep Roads? Perhaps for once I should have thought that maybe, just maybe, the shadows I cast on myself are larger and darker then yours. Should have thought and stayed alongside Mother. How did she feel when we left her all alone, not knowing if we even return? The way she clung to me, it seems sometimes as if she felt I will never return from the Deep Roads. The letters that reached me across the seas were full of grief, their edges smudged with bitter tears. She never blamed me or you; she blamed only herself for being bad mother. Me? There was only one person I could dump everything on. And it was you. I was young and all of a sudden my life had come to an end. It did not matter that I've bought myself perhaps another fifteen years. I was only nineteen and I was stripped of the choice.

Was it your fault for not listening to the voice of reason? Were you as selfish as I was, thinking that by taking your little brother with you will appease me and make me see my elder sister in the whole different light? Or were you genuinely trying to give me the chance to step out of your shadow? Back then it was always your fault. But now, as the years go by and I am gaining perspective I am not so sure anymore.

There is one thing I want to talk to you about. In her letters Mother mentioned about your relationship with that mage. Something tells me that the relationship is still blooming and I beg you to be careful, sister. I remembered the way you looked at him. And the way he eyed you back… I also remember what he is and I pray to the Maker so do you. I have a bad feeling about him. I had it since the moment we stepped into that Maker-forsaken clinic in Darktown. Grey Wardens… talk about him. I don't know if Anders ever told you but he knew the Hero of Ferelden quite well. In fact, he was conscripted. However he was foolish enough to allow the spirit to merge with him and thus sealing his own fate. The Wardens saw the danger of what he had become and passed him to the Chantry. He slaughtered the camp full of people and then disappeared into nothing till the Deep Roads event. While I am grateful he was with us in those dark passageways and did not allow me to succumb to the Taint, I cannot shake the feeling of uneasiness grasping my heart every time I think he might be near you. He was always a bit fanatic about the rights of mages but he never had enough power to do anything about it. The Wardens tolerated his behavior as some of them did recognize the problems with the Circles. But now, being what he is, Anders might as well finally do something. And when he does – you will all go down in flames.

I know it is not my place to dictate how you live your life. After all, when did you ever listen to me? But I beg you to reconsider. He will hurt you. Whether intentionally or not but he will. He is not a human being anymore. We had all known it from the beginning but you, so it seems, chose to ignore it. If you continue this relationship, you will be digging your grave and the graves of those you hold dear.

It takes away my peace knowing that you so carelessly throw your life away and that I cannot be near to prevent this. I ask you once again, sister, listen to your mind, not your heart and do what is right.

Love,

Carver

Hawke set aside the letter and rubbed her temples with a heavy sigh. The light of candle was throwing sharp shadows on her features, making the woman look even more tired and worn out. Carver had a point. In fact, he had a lot of points. She was surprised how much her little brother had matured during all this time they've been apart. But Hawke was desperately hoping that there is a way out. There was always a way out. She was ready to stay by Anders' side to support him. She was the only one who could leash his hate. Hawke was doing it for his sanity, for her Father and Bethany, for the people, whose lives were ruined by magic, one way or another. She has to see this through. And is she not entitled to a little bit of simple happiness in the process? Hawke nodded to her thoughts and firmly took a goose feather in her hand.

Dear Carver…