THE MEMORY
She is everywhere I go
Everyone I see
Winter's gone and I still can't sleep
Summer's on the way
At least that's what they say
But these clouds won't leave
Walk away
Barely breathing
As I'm lying on the floor
Take my heart
As you're leaving
I don't need it anymore
This is the memory
This is the curse of having
Too much time to think about it
It's killing me
This is the last time
This is my forgiveness
This is endless
Now spring has brought the rain
But I still see your face
And I can not escape the past
Creeping up inside
Reminding me that I
Can never bring you back
This is the memory
This is the curse of having
Too much time to think about it
It's killing me
This is the last time
This is my forgiveness
This is endless
This is endless
This is endless
This is endless
Someone help me
Cuz the memory
Convinced itself to tear me apart
And it's gonna succeed before long
This is the memory
This is the curse of having
Too much time to think about it
It's killing me
This is the last time
This is my forgiveness
This is endless
This is endless
Someone help me
Cuz the memory
Convinced itself to tear me apart
And it's gonna succeed before long
(This is endless)
She is everywhere I go
Everyone I see
But these clouds won't leave
Chapter Four
The Memory
If only Rachel had a penny for every single time that she feels Finn's eyes staring at her, she swears, she'd be a freaking millionaire…
She hates this…
Hates being around him…
And she wished that this whole shit was over and that she is back in New York where everything was familiar and busy and … safe…
She shifted around her seat uncomfortably for the hundredth time…
Trying her damnedest best to keep her face hidden from him and to keep the wide smile that's pasted on her lips in the hopes that it would make her look confident but it only succeeded in making her cheeks hurt and her mouth quiver…
Sighing imperceptibly, she puts on her game face and furrowed her brow in concentration… Focusing all her attention instead on what Brad, their scriptwriter had been talking about for hours instead of the fact that Finn is just right across from her and that he is burrowing holes unto the back of her head …
Fat lot of good that that did her…
The man could have been speaking Klingon for all she cared because no matter how hard she tries, she still can't understand a single, damn thing that's coming out of his mouth…
All that she's aware of is Finn…
Finn who was close enough that she can feel his warmth and Finn who is now looking at her with a lopsided (swoon inducing) smile after she raised her hand smartly because she wanted to ask the director if she got her neatly highlighted notes correctly…
Fuck…
So what if he looks? She's not 16 anymore…
She had stopped reading something more into gestures like that ever since he broke her heart because truth be told, it was what she pinned her hopes on regarding how he feels for her all those years ago…
Because she thought that when he looks at her that way it meant that he misses her and loves her…
That he wants nothing more than to be with her…
Well… turned out that she was wrong…
Psyching herself to think instead of how she would never be caught dead being so unprofessional so as to not to listen in a work related meeting, Rachel straightens her back and scoots her seat a little further not just so she can hear better but also to create some distance between her and the man whose presence behind her was driving her just a little bit crazy …
However, she made the mistake of lifting her head and in the process, that's when their eyes met and then it happened…
She could almost feel herself getting electrified as he pinned his gaze on hers and as his chocolate brown eyes met her soulful hazel ones …
If before he was at least trying to be subtle, now he was staring at her boldly…
Blatantly…
Not even pretending that he had just accidentally glanced her way but as if posing a challenge to her to call him out for looking at her this entire time…
She felt herself redden…
A blush creeping its way from the base of her neck up to the apples of her cheeks…
A fact that did not escape him because once again, she saw him hide a little smile like she had just flashed him a boob or something…
She felt her temper rising…
How dare him think that he was such a stud?
Sure, he might have those eyes that she can drown in and those lips that make her want to jump him, but if at all, he just looks stupid…
(And if she will only listen to that little voice at the back of her head… yeah, really… as in REALLY good looking)
If anything, he should be the one getting all hot and bothered over her presence and not the other way around…
Beating him at his own game, Rachel took a sip from her mineral water bottle even if she's not thirsty before licking her lips slowly and touching her fingers seductively over them…
She got the satisfaction of seeing the smile immediately disappear from his face as he straightened up and his mouth drop open…
Looks like those seduction techniques she learnt in her Broadway workshops are working…
She thought smugly…
"…so in this scene Finn, you will be playing the drums and - Finn? Finn?"
Brad's voice cut through Rachel's internal monologue as he looked at Finn weirdly who was still staring at Rachel like he was in a trance…
"Yeah- Yeah..."
It took Finn a couple of seconds before he can turn his head towards Brad and pull his gaze away from Rachel…
Watching him, it took all of her sheer willpower not to smile and to stop herself from dissolving into a fit of giggling…
Finn stopped himself from groaning out loud as he noticed her struggling to keep a straight face…
Great!
Great job Hudson… Really cool…
He scolded himself…
He had been trying his damnedest best these past three hours just to be on his best sophisticated behavior and yet just being in her presence is enough to make him make an ass out of himself…
Good thing she has not slapped him yet with a restraining order because no matter how hard he tries, he can't stop looking at her with moony eyes and behaving creepily like some crazy stalker…
He finds everything she does cute…
and familiar…
The way her hands shoot straight up whenever she has a question or the way she fanatically takes down notes of everything and anything that Brad was saying…
She might have changed in terms of the way she dresses or how she is now a bit more calm and quiet but deep inside he'd like to believe that she is still the same old Rachel…
However, the way she licked her lips so slowly…
Nowwwww… that's something new…
And now he has a hard on and it's all her goddamn fault…
Brad's chuckles drew him out of his (filthy) thoughts as he stared first at him and then at Rachel…There was a teasing look in the writers eyes as they both looked at him curiously before exchanging nervous glances as they think to themselves what he suddenly finds so funny…
"Okay Finn…"
He said mischievously…
"Looking at the star struck way you keep on looking at Rachel, I know when I'm not needed… So why don't we take a break and I'll leave you two alone for awhile so that you can also get the chance to know each other better…"
Rachel looked at Brad with a panicked expression on her face… She looked at him with a silent plea in her eyes so that he would stay because alarm bells were already ringing in her head just at the thought of being alone with Finn…
However, even before she can get out a word of protest, Brad was already gone…
…And then there was just the two of them…
An awkward silence prevailed in the room the moment that Brad closed the door…
Rachel utters a silent prayer for the earth to open up and swallow her whole…
Anxiously, she hugged her arms to herself and fixed her gaze at the blank wall ahead of her…
Anywhere…
Except at Finn…
Feeling as if her heart would jump out of her chest, Rachel stands up and walks over to the mini bar that was situated at the far end of the room to calm her nerves and pour herself a drink…
Finn followed her with his gaze and when he realized what she intended to do, he was already standing up and snatching her glass away from her even before he can think straight about what he was doing…
".. THE HELL?"
She whipped her head around to glare at him as she exclaimed angrily…
There was a look of surprise in Finn's face as if even he was stunned at what he just did…
Saving himself from further embarrassment, he visibly collected himself and cleared his throat before addressing her calmly…
"I—I just thought that I'd save you from the trouble of getting drunk… "
He mumbled under his breath shyly before looking at her with a tender expression on his face…
"Remember that time when you threw that trainwreck of a party at your house and you took just one sip of that wine cooler and already you were dancing around and making out with Blaine like it was nobodys business?"
He gave out a nervous chuckle…
"You get drunk at just a drop of anything alcoholic… "
He rolled his eyes teasingly…
"Remember?"
Affectionately…
Reminding her of things that she'd rather remain buried and hidden in a place where it can't anymore hurt her…
"That was a lifetime ago Finn…"
She said coldly…
"I'm not that girl anymore…"
Finn looks at her as if he can't understand what she's saying… A look of disbelief, or denial crossing over his face as he seem to find it difficult to connect how she's saying that the Rachel he knew before was not the same as the Rachel that was now standing before him…
"Quit it…"
Rachel said… Covering her face with her hands to avoid his stare because like a fool, she suddenly felt tears pricking at the back of her eyes and that she would cry at any given moment…
"Quit what?"
He asked softly…
"Quit looking at me as if you want to get inside my head… Like we're friends and that you know me and that we are still in high school and that everything is just the same… "
She sighed in frustration…
He lowered his head to look at his shoes… Flustered at how Rachel seems to be pushing him away and how she seems to be so far from him…
" I - I just missed you that's -"
She raised her hand to stop him…
"DON'T - Just- don't… I'm not the same girl Finn… I'm not the girl who follows you blindly around and who bared her heart and soul to you only for you to make me feel that I'd always be second best… I have forgotten all about her… I have forgotten all about us… whatever happened in the past should just remain where it was…
Isn't that what you wanted? What you said? "
He almost keeled over at that…
The pain was almost physical that he finds it difficult to breathe…
So this was how she felt…
This was how he made her feel during that time and he doesn't know if he can ever forgive himself…
"Besides - I'm sure Quinn would really APPRECIATE hearing you say that…"
She rolled her eyes sarcastically…
"Rach -"
He took a deep breath before continuing… Hoping that she'd listen and that she'd see how much he regretted letting her go and how he wished everything was different…
"Quinn - Quinn and I are finished… a long time ago… it was over even before it ever began…"
He doesn't even know why he's telling her this…
Why he's saying all these stuff…
It was as if his brain had suddenly stopped functioning and now he's just talking to her from his heart…
There was a look that passed over her eyes when she heard him which could have been relief?
Or happiness?
Or delight?
However it was gone even before he can pin down the feeling and she gave him a little smile that didn't quite reach her eyes…
"So what do you expect me to say? Good for you? Or, I'm sorry? "
She shrugged… Looking like she couldn't even care less…
He looked confused and at a loss because her reply was one that he was not expecting…
"I - I just thought I'd tell you and - we're friends so - "
He stuttered timidly… He feels small and inadequate and he wants to find the words to let her know how sorry he was but just like always, he couldn't…
"BUT THAT'S JUST IT FINN! Don't you understand?"
She exclaimed frustratedly…
"We're not friends anymore… I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND…"
She emphasized the last sentence as if driving home a point…
"By some joke of fate, we're going to be co-workers and I can't do anything about that except set rules because you are just that and nothing else… But beyond that… PLEASE… Let's keep our personal business out of this because -"
Because you hurt me so much that I don't know how to trust you again and yet despite that I still love you the same…
Is what she was really thinking…
But instead…
"It's - it's unprofessional…"
That's what she said…
Finn wanted to nod in understanding but he couldn't…
Just because she's hurting him and breaking his heart, it doesn't mean that he'd give her up…
He waited far too long to get this second chance and missed her far too much to just walk away…
And if after he's tried everything and he's given his best she still feels the same, then at least he's content in the knowledge that she knows how he really feels…
But he can't think about that possibility…
He wouldn't…
Because years of being without her just like the past eight years is a life that is not even worth imagining…
"I - I need some air…"
Rachel broke the silence…
And he gave her that sad smile and and only squeezed her shoulder in reply…
It took all of the courage that Rachel can muster to shake him off and walk out of that room instead of burying her face in his chest and telling him that she forgives him…
Because she can't afford to let herself get close to him…
She couldn't …
Because if he hurts her again (and she believes he will), she wouldn't know how to fix herself anymore and then she will truly be broken…
Fuck!
She really deserves an Oscar…
Not for this movie, but for the way she pretended and for the days ahead where she will continue to pretend that she doesn't care…
Because, if only she is being honest and if only she admits the truth to herself, the fact of the matter is, she had always remembered and she knows she always will…
AUTHORS NOTE: I really, really appreciate all your comments... it inspires me to write more so i hope you'd remember to leave a note!