"I'll be your soldier, Jane," she whispered to me as I climbed into bed that night.
I sighed and settled back into her embrace. I haven't been sleeping well since this last round with Hoyt. He's really starting to get to me. His smile, the twinkle in his eyes whenever he saw me. The lightness of his voice, and the way it washed over; blanketing me, suffocating me. At times he had me wrapped in a cocoon that seemed to tighten with each minute. I couldn't seem to let this last one go soon enough. I lost sleep because of him. And when I did sleep, I dreamt of him. It had gotten to a point that I was afraid to lay in my bed, even if Maura was there. And I hated doing that to her. I mean it wasn't her fault that I was dealing with this living demon. She had been the best partner and friend a girl could ask for. I was just messed up in the head over this last encounter and I tried hard not to bring it into my bed.
Her hand snaked over my waist and up my chest resting flat palm over my heart. She knew I was fighting it. I was fighting the pressure of my mind replaying the image of him smiling smugly at me in the integration room. Even though my anger shown through my tears, my tears were very much real. I was, am afraid of him… he is my real life boogie man.
"Forget him, Jane," she whispered in my ear.
Her breathe tickled my ear and I shivered. She held me closer and kissed my neck then behind my ear.
"Relax. I've got you."
A tear escaped and traveled down the side of my face to my neck.
"Oh, Jane."
She gripped my hands and I fought her. She tried to turn me over, to face her but I couldn't. Not broken like this. Maura has seen my broken one to many times.
"Don't fight me, Jane."
But I did. She pushed. I pulled. She gripped. I pulled. She pushed me down and straddled my waist. I tried to push her off and she pinned my hands to the bed.
"Fight me all you want, but I'm not going anywhere," she panted. "I'm not leaving you," she breathed as she gained the upper hand.
She stared down at me, chest heaving, hair falling into her face. She licked the moisture on her upper lip as she gained control of my still struggling limbs.
"Ugh," I granted over and over.
But she didn't relent. I kicked and pulled and she rode my body until I tired out. I made eye contact and saw her determination to break me out of my funk. To release me of this fear of him. But truth was, I was more afraid of how my life would be without having that fear of Hoyt. He kept me on edge. And I liked that.
"Let it go," she whispered. "You don't need him. You never did."
It was as if she was reading my mind. Her doing that in the past would piss me off or freak me out, but right now, I was glad I didn't have to say it out loud. As much as Hoyt used me, I used him.
"Let it go," she repeated.
I turned my head, releasing the tears and the burden I had carried for to long. She let go of my hands and laid on my chest. I wrapped my arms around her waist and let it go. I cried and cried and cried. This wasn't over yet.