A/N: The usual disclaimer applies. I own nothing.

Chapter 7

"Rizzoli! What the hell is wrong with you?" Korsak grabbed Jane by the arm, forcibly pulling her from the hallway into an empty interrogation room and slamming the door behind them.

"If Cavanaugh catches you threatening a suspect like that—"

Jane wrenched her arm out of her former partner's grasp, her face red and accusatory. "Let go of me, you bastard, what were you doing even watching our interrogation anyway?"

"Frost asked me to, and don't you call me a bastard again unless you want a real fight on your hands." Korsak stood in front of the door, blocking Jane's exit; his expression severe.

Breathing hard, Jane sat down and banged her head on the metal table in front of her. After a few moments, she blurted out a muffled apology without looking up. "I'm sorry, Korsak."

Korsak uncrossed his arms and took a seat across from the now-deflated Jane. He wasn't about to let her off the hook that easily though. "I mean it, Rizzoli. The last time you swore at me like that I said I would kick your ass, and I still could, you know."

"I know. Last time I called you a fucking bastard though." Jane's voice sounded small, despite her attempt at humor. She didn't raise her head, just twisted her fingers under the table.

"Same difference," Korsak snorted, and after a few moments added, "Is something bothering you, Jane? I mean, you're always a little, uh, overzealous, when it comes to dirtbags like that guy in there, but you can't talk about cutting off a guy's balls and feeding them to a—"

"I know, Korsak," groaned Jane, "I know. Can we please just drop it?"

"You've been kinda off for a couple of weeks, and Cavanaugh's going to call you on it sooner or later. I'm just trying to look out for you, kid." Korsak's tone softened considerably, as he saw how quickly Jane's attitude had changed.

"I'm fine. It won't happen again, I promise."

Korsak waited in silence for a few long moments, but when it looked like Jane wasn't going to be any more forthcoming than that he stood up to leave. But then he sat back down, sighing. "Jane." He paused, briefly glancing at the ceiling. "Geez, I know I'm going to regret asking this, but does all this have something to do with Dr. Isles?"

Jane instantly sat up, revealing a red indentation across her forehead from the table's edge and a look of shock on her face.

"What?"

"I mean, you guys used to be attached at the hip, and now you're, you know, not. Did you have a fight or something?"

Jane put her head back down on the table. "Yeah, something like that."

"Oh. I wondered." Korsak sighed. "Is it over a guy again, like that rich guy a couple of months ago?"

"What?" Jane looked up again. "Garrett Fairfield? The murderer? We weren't fighting over Garrett, Korsak. Really?" Jane shook her head. "We were fighting over . . . never mind. Just—never mind."

"Well, who am I to know what women fight about?" Korsak snorted. "I'm guessing it was your fault though, right?"

Jane looked genuinely insulted. "Says who? Why would you assume that? This is so not my fault."

Korsak put up his hands in a gesture of surrender. "Sorry, my bad," he said, cautiously. "You should really try and patch things up with her though, you know. She's a great gal, Dr. Isles is."

Jane smiled wistfully. "Yeah, she is."

Korsak stood up again, but before he reached the door, Jane said in her quiet, gravelly voice, "Yesterday was my birthday."

"Oh yeah?" Korsak turned back around. "Happy birthday." He paused, waiting for Jane to say something. When she just looked at him absently, he said, "Wait, you aren't upset about getting old or something, are you? 'Cause, you're still young and you know—pretty, and everything."

Jane grinned at Korsak's attempt to not step in it. "I don't care about my age, Vince. It's just—no one remembered. Here at work."

"We've never made a big deal about birthdays in the office though, have we? I mean, nobody's ever brought me a cake, that's for sure."

"No, but," Jane looked down at her hands, "I thought Maura would remember. She always remembers that kind of stuff. Last year she gave me that electronic basketball game that we put up in the break room, remember?"

"Oh yeah, that thing was cool—whatever happened to that?"

"I think Frost busted it showing off his slam dunks." Jane snickered, but then looked at the floor again. "But this year, she didn't even remember. Or she did remember and just ignored it."

"I'm sorry, Jane. But I'm sure you'll work it out, right?"

"Yeah, I'm sure we will."

Jane had tried hard. She really had.

Leaving Maura's bed on that Sunday morning, she had completely agreed with the plan to give the doctor the space and time that she needed to come to grips with the changes in her life and make a decision about their—relationship, if that's what they were going to call it. It had been hard to go home to her empty apartment, but she accepted the situation and hoped for the best.

After all, she knew Maura, and understood that intimate relationships were hard for someone who had spent her whole life trying to live according to logic and reason and caution.

Entering into a lesbian relationship with a close friend and co-worker would not be easy; Jane was under no illusions about that. In fact, the more she thought about it, the more she worried about what her family would say, and what her colleagues and friends would think.

A face-to-face conversation with her mother about dating women? The thought made her shudder. But deep down, she knew that her mother would, eventually, accept it.

But Maura? It had been plain as day to Jane since practically the day she had met the doctor that Maura believed she was only teetering on the edge of social acceptance with most of the people she encountered on a day-to-day basis. Of course she would worry that by dating a woman she would be exposed to even more socially awkward situations. And Jane had no idea what Maura's parents would think.

Not to mention the fact that the revelations about her birth father had made Maura question her identity anyway. It was no wonder that the woman was a wreck.

So, logically, the only thing to do was to wait. She constructed an image of herself as a patient and sympathetic friend, willing to sacrifice until Maura was able to deal with their new-found feelings for each other. She had a plan to play it cool, for as long as it took.

The only problem was that she, Jane Rizzoli—homicide detective and grade-A badass—was having a hard time coming to terms with the new emotions herself.

It took very little reflection on Jane's part to realize that just the few brief moments of physical intimacy that she had spent with Maura had opened her up to feelings within herself that she never knew existed. She had enjoyed physical relationships with a number of men in her lifetime, but this—this was something else.

Maura haunted her dreams at night, and she woke in the morning unrested and—frustrated. So frustrated, in fact, that it caused her physical pain. She was able to relieve some of the tension with a little alone time, but that didn't help at all when what she really wanted was to feel Maura's skin and smell her scent. At any time of the day, in the oddest times and places, she would suddenly remember the feel of Maura's lips on hers, Maura's tongue in her mouth, and her whole body would shiver and blood would rush to her face.

When she closed her eyes she saw Maura's face as it had looked at the exact moment she had felt Jane's hand creep up to her breast.

Jane felt like she would do anything to see that look again.

She had never felt such intense longing for someone in her entire life. Didn't know that such feelings could truly exist within her being.

But even more than that, she missed just being with Maura and talking to her. Dozens of times during her long days she thought of things that she wanted to tell the doctor. She picked up her phone over and over again, composing a text in her mind, before setting it down again without sending anything.

The intense wanting was bad enough, but after a few days had passed and it seemed Maura was no closer to letting Jane back into her life, the hurt and anger began to take over. It was getting harder and harder to be that patient and understanding version of herself that she had constructed.

So when that hurt and anger was spilling over into her job on a regular basis—so much so that Korsak was calling her out and Frost had taken to hiding in his car whenever he could—she decided she had to do something.

After they had finished processing their suspect, Jane stayed at her desk until late, ostensibly catching up on paperwork. When the office emptied she took out a yellow legal pad and began composing a note.

Dear Maura, she began.

It really hurt that you ignored my birthday.

No, that sounded too needy.

She tore off another sheet and started again. I know this is hard for you, but I would appreciate it if you would let me know if you have made a decision about our relationship yet.

Too clinical.

Maura, do you like me? Circle YES or NO.

Jane laughed in spite of herself. Then, looking at the balled up yellow papers that she had tossed in the wastebasket, she got up and looked around for the paper shredder. Placing it on the floor beside her desk, she smoothed out her drafts and ran them through the metal teeth. There was no way she wanted any of the guys to find these.

Dear Maura, I love you. You have no idea how much I love you. How much I want you. How much I miss you.

That one is definitely going in the shredder.

Dear Maura,

Jane sat for a long time, trying to put her feelings into words. But nothing seemed right.

Then, out of the corner of her eye, there was movement. The glass doors opened, and Maura walked in. Jane felt a shiver run through her—the same electricity she felt every time she saw Maura now—and hastily covered the notepad with her arm, trying to look casual. The doctor walked over and sat down on an empty chair.

"I thought you might still be here—I heard you have a suspect in custody?"

"Yeah, we do."

"That's good." Maura nodded.

Jane hated that all of their conversations had become this stilted. She fiddled absently with the notepad.

"What's that you're working on?"

"Nothing," said Jane, a little too quickly. Maura leaned over and Jane snatched the paper away, but it was too late—she had seen her name written at the top of the page.

"Are you writing me a letter, Jane?" Maura's tone was light, almost playful. "On a legal pad though? Don't you have any stationery?"

But Jane didn't feel like playing it cute. "Really, Maura? This is the longest conversation we've had in seventeen days, and you want to know why I'm not writing to you on stationery?"

Maura looked taken aback at Jane's brusque attitude. She bit her lip, and sat in silence. Looking down, she saw the paper shredder on the floor, with little bits of yellow paper sticking out of the metal teeth, and she began to put things together.

"What are you trying to tell me, Jane? Or—ask me?"

Jane looked incredulous. "What I am trying to ask you? What do you think I'm trying to ask you, Maura? It's been seventeen days. I've waited for seventeen days. And I'm starting to think that the reason I've been waiting for seventeen days is because you don't want to tell me—" Jane stopped and looked away.

"Tell you what?"

"That I'm the next Garrett, or Philip, or whatever that professor's name was. That I'm about to get my heart broken, just like they did."

"Oh, Jane," sighed Maura, looking up at the ceiling. "I know I've been avoiding you—but I just can't seem to come to a decision."

"So, while you're deciding, you can't even stand to be in the same room with me? That doesn't seem like a good sign to me."

Maura gave Jane a look. "It's complicated."

Jane snorted. After a brief silence, she asked, "Is it because I'm a woman, Maura? 'Cause this isn't easy for me, either. I mean, I'm so afraid of what my mother is going to say that I think if it comes down to it I'll just leave her a message on her answering machine, like that Miranda, or Maryanne, chick I met at the, uh, bar. The Merch."

Maura narrowed her eyes. "You wouldn't really do that, would you?"

Jane groaned. "No, I don't think so." She ran her fingers through her hair absently. "But are you worried about what your parents will think? Is that the problem?"

Maura considered briefly. "No, not really. I've been pretty independent all of my life, and they've let me make my own choices."

"Then is it because I'm—from a different background? A middle-class background?" Jane winced when she said 'middle class'.

Maura shook her head vigorously. "No, definitely not. After the Fairfield case, you have to know I don't care about that," she finished in a severe tone.

"I'm not sure of anything at this point, Maura. When are you going to be able to tell me? Next week? Next year? Ever?" Jane was clearly growing increasingly impatient.

Maura groaned, and put her face in her hands. "I don't know, Jane. I just don't know." The doctor stood up, and turned around away from the frustrated, pleading look on Jane's face. "If only you hadn't kissed me, Jane—"

"What? You kissed me."

Maura whirled back around. "You said you wanted to kiss me."

"And you could have said no."

"But you were always touching me, Jane. All the time. Why did you have to do that?"

"I never heard you complaining." Jane smirked, but Maura ignored her.

"Well, what was I supposed to do?"

Jane stood up, and crossed her arms in front of her. "Maura. Seventeen days ago I stood in your kitchen and asked you, straight out, if you wanted me in your bed that night." Jane's voice shifted in tone, becoming deep and quiet, as though the anger had gone out of her. "And you held my hand and said stay. I watched you make the decision, and walk over to me."

Maura chewed her lip, and whispered, "I was afraid if I said no, you would leave. And I didn't want you to leave."

"So, you didn't want me to leave, but you didn't want me to respond when you told me I was beautiful and kissed me. Damned if I do, damned if I don't." Jane rubbed her eyes, chuckling sarcastically.

Maura sighed. "I guess it doesn't matter whose fault it was, but we did cross the line. And now we can't go back."

Pain and confusion flashed across Jane's features. "Go back? Whose—fault was it? Maura, do you want to go back? Pretend it never happened? Let me tell you something." Jane's voice broke with emotion, and before she knew it there were tears spilling out of the corners of her eyes. "Now that I know what it's like to kiss you, to touch you," Jane lifted her hand almost imperceptibly, unconsciously reaching for Maura, before pulling back and groaning out, "I can't go back."

Maura had tears in her eyes now too, but she remained silent.

"I want you, Maura. I love you and I need you. All of you. I have a physical need for you, do you understand what I'm saying?"

Maura shook her tears away and cleared her throat. "Attraction can be very strong, Jane, but it's just chemicals reacting to—" Maura stopped when she saw the stony look on Jane's face. It was almost terrifying, how hurt she looked, and Maura felt her heart sink.

"I guess that's my answer then. I tell you that I feel for you what I've never felt for another person in my entire life, and you tell me it's a chemical reaction." Jane snorted, and ran her hands through her hair again. "If you had any idea how I felt, you would know this is more than that. But you obviously don't feel that way about me."

Maura opened her mouth to respond but at that moment the office doors opened and Korsak walked in. He took one look at the scene in front of him and stopped in his tracks.

Maura hastily wiped at her eyes and turned away, while Jane swore under her breath. "What the hell, Korsak? Don't you ever go home?"

"Uh, sorry, I, um, forgot my phone." The detective moved hastily toward his desk. "Everything okay, with you two?"

"Everything's fine, Korsak. Maura was just dropping off some stuff and now she's going back to her office."

Maura quickly picked up her cue. "Yes, we'll talk tomorrow, right Jane?" She tried to catch Jane's eye, to let her know that she really did want to talk, but the detective avoided her gaze.

"Goodnight, Korsak." Maura hastily left the office.

Jane rummaged around in her desk, collecting her things.

"Jane, what's going on? Are you—"

"Just—leave it, Korsak. I don't want to talk about it." Within seconds, Jane was out the door, leaving her former partner powerless to do anything but shake his head and mutter something under his breath.

Jane walked down the hall to the elevator on the opposite end of the floor, taking the long way around to the parking lot. There was no sign of Maura anywhere, and Jane made no attempt to look for her.