Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha.
A/N: Here's a little insite on Kai's mind, so he won't look like a complete emotionless bastard. So without further a do here you go ^.^'
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The hot beaming sun had finally cooled to a more tolerating heat. He sat down on a boulder: away from the group, away from their silent murmurs, away from their glares, away from the curious stare, and away from the sake of being away. He wanted some solitude, some time to think for himself; his sister how he missed her, her craziness, her bubbliness*, he missed everything about her. Had he done the right thing, should he have listened to her or should he have stayed stubborn?
He has made many mistakes in his short life but questioning them won't set things right. Nothing is going to change, what has been done is done, going back won't help now. The sky is starting to turn pink, he thought, Kagome would you have laughed and said you wanted to eat the pink fluffy clouds? He took out a dark leather bound book and touched to cover with two fingers. Miss me? He wouldn't open the book he has read it some many times he knew the words by heart. The book, it wasn't actually a book but it not being a book didn't matter it was still very precious to him; it was all he had left.
"Are you going to eat?"
He looked to the side and saw the girl, Rin, sit down next to him with speared fish in hand, she stared up to the pinkish-purple sky, stars were barely starting to appear in the sky. What could the girl want?
"Here, I saved you one," she gestured for him to take the speared fish.
Rin. How he wished she wasn't the one sitting next to him, he wanted his sister. Go away. She smiled at him, Stop smiling at me. She reminded him too much of what his sister could have, would have and will never be. He didn't need any reminders of what could have been.
"You know Kai, usually when someone is talking to someone and that person doesn't respond it usually means that that person is being very rude to the person trying to start a conversation," she said tucking strands of hairs behind her ear much like his sister used to.
"The air," he started, "it is still hot but more humid."
Her brows furrowed in confusion.
"It will rain in a few days," he deadpanned.
"Oh"
She looked back to the glittery sky. He shouldn't dislike her; it wasn't her fault that she shared the same attributes as his sister.
"Your hair, she told me you would pull your hair up to the side."
"Huh…oh that," she laughed nervously, "I just stopped putting it up one day, not that I got bored with it, I just wanted something different, you know."
He nodded even though he didn't know.
"Here," she stabbed the speared fish to the ground, "Eat it before it gets cold." She got up and headed back to the group.
"You may resemble her but you are still you and she is she." He murmured to himself.
She didn't hear it.
He sat in silence waiting for the sun to rise once more; she had her quirks but his sister had this pull to her that made him feel secure and Rin will never give him that feeling. It didn't matter if had just met her or if he had known her for years the feeling would still be the same. Even through his sisters' bouts of instability, she still made him feel like a somebody, like he wasn't alone in the world; just like an older sister should. Rin, on the other hand made him feel like everything will be okay now, like he shouldn't blame anyone anymore and he didn't want to feel that way. He had every right to feel the way he was feeling, he wanted: to hate, to blame, to be angry and no little naïve young girl will change his mind.
He felt tired, so very tired, he felt so confused…he didn't know what to feel right now. The heaviness in his eyes wouldn't leave. He didn't want to sleep yet, not yet, not ever but he was only human. How many days has it been seen he has gotten a good nights rest one, two … five years. Five years he hasn't slept without awakening feeling: this heaviness, this pain, this guilt, this anger, this confusion, this…this tiredness.
Would she hate him, the way Kagome had, if she knew the truth? The fish looked appetizing, his stomach seemed to agree.
You think too much you know.
Yes, Kagome, he did think too much but at least his brain wasn't filled with air. He pinched a piece of the already cold fish and tossed it to the dirt ground and stared at as he ate the fish.
Time always seems to pass by quickly when a person is left to his own thoughts. Thoughts that keep that person awake because the person is afraid of sleeping. Afraid to sleep because sleeping would in tell dreaming, these that were dreams terrifying, that were reminders of his life, of his mistakes, his regrets…was he dreaming right now?
"Kai."
Kami, he can't tell if he is sleeping right now. Is this a nightmare or a night terror? The doctors had told him that he wouldn't be able to tell if he was awake or not during these times or was that part of the dream. Oh Kami, why couldn't he move, why did his body feel so numb, why can't he scream, why can't he move? Why can't he breathe? The air is so thick. **
"Kai."
The trauma will always remain there; you will have to learn to live with it.
"Kai"
It's your fault! If you hadn't been so insistent then he'd still be here!
"Kai!"
I wish you were the one that was dead!
"KAI!"
Rin stood next to him with an angry and worried expression, the one that Kagome wore every time she felt she had gone too far with her games. He could almost feel her hugging him and crying apologizing when he knew she'd do it again (1). He didn't understand why she wore the expression, he didn't understand.
"Why didn't you answer me?"
"I apologize if I have worried you."
"Why did you look so…so frightened?" She said getting closer to him. "You looked so scared."
"Ridiculous."
She scowled but then broke to a smile, "Com'on the group is already leaving."
She skipped ahead of him two-headed dragon and kappa. The Kappa immediately began to reprimand the girl but was quickly silenced by a glare from the demon lord, Sesshomaru.
He looked up at the sky and mentally sighed, it seemed his prediction of rain will come true in a few days time.
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*Don't know if that is actually a word or not correct if I'm wrong.
**Okay what Kai is feeling can actually happen to someone. I know, its a very scary experience it's like your not dreaming because your fully aware of your surroundings but at the same time not. You feel like you can't breathe but you know you are...the whole ordeal is horrible and when it's over you still have the after affects on you and feel very shaking but I don't what its called. My sister thinks its a stage of your REM sleep with your eyes open. But hey she can be wrong.
(1) Kagome did not rape him, so get that out of your minds., sickos.
Can anyone guess when Kai went to sleep? I'll give some comic relief in the next chapter.