Title: Stopping
Author: catsblackmagic
Warning: Self harm, food substance issues (bulimia, ect.), high ammounts of angst.
Word Count:
Rating: M
Characters/Paring: Kurt/Blaine
Disclaimer: It'd be nice to own Glee. ^^ But I don't. :c
Summary: Kurt has a secret he doesn't care about, but won't talk to anyone. Except Blaine, of course.
Author's Note: I got this idea after reading 'Cut' by Katherine McCormick. Very good book. ^^'
.break.-
Stopping. It's so difficult. Keeping an addiction of scarring yourself from swirling around savagely in your mind. At first, you ignore it - deny, even. But soon, it starts to become all you think about. You can relate anything to it. It becomes a nuisance, a worry. But you don't see it as that. You see it as your savior, your own personal redeemer. It frees your mind, lets you forget everything, to be amiable. So, it's good for your mind, at least you think it is.
But no one said it was good for you. In fact, it's the opposite - terrible for you. So they say. I find it helpful for me. It distracts me - the "addiction". They call it an addiction, but you know it's not. "I can stop whenever I want." Yeah, uh huh. That's what everyone says. Truth is, you can't. You don't call the shots, you have no control. Habit has reign, and all you have is an sliver of unadministered hope. That hope, that belief? It's murdered by the persistant habit, that annoying ritual that just dominates your whole mindset.
I know it's done that much to me. I constantly think about it, the cutting. I pay less attention to things. I don't talk, even when a sarcastic or witty comment is desperately needed in a conversation. My grades are terrible, when they used to be the best in the class. People are noticing, watching. Slowly realizing, matching up the attitude and cuts. Counting the new slashes and marks with each passing day.
No one says anything, however. They ignore it, try to get on with their own life. Then, oh, look at that! That kid you noticed dragging a razor down his arm in the bathroom the other day killed himself! Then you feel guilty, like it's your fault. You start growing paranoid, saying "Why didn't I do anything?" or "What stopped me from helping him?" The answer? Dignity, ego, reputation, social respect, whatever you call it. You're afraid to do anything because people will look at you differently, and, of course you care what everyone thinks of you! So you pass up those kids with some sort of "dissorder" and forget it.
So far, no one has tried to help. Except Blaine. He's never cared what people thought of him (he performed to a possible love in a Gap, come on). He's constantly there, checking up on me, consoling me. Most of the time it's annoying, like he can just leave me alone. But in the back of my mind, I greatly appreciate his help. Because I know this "addiction", this "dissorder"... It's getting out of hand.
.break.-
AN: This chapter is actually kind of useless, but it's my favorite. I quite like it. ^^