Cas got back to the hotel and watched as the boys ate, not able to eat after his fight with Balthazar.
While Dean started eating Cas' food, Sam pulled Cas outside, wanting to talk to him away from Dean.
"He's remembering some stuff. He remembered I'm his brother, his birthday, stuff like that." Sam said, obviously thrilled by the development. It took Cas everything he had to muster up a smile.
"You're worried he won't remember you." It wasn't a question. Sam could tell by looking at Castiel that he was afraid.
"You're family to him Cas. To both of us. He'll remember you, even if it takes months, he'll remember you. Trust me." Cas' heart ached at the thought of Dean not knowing him for months. The last week had been torture, what would 3 or 4 months feel like? Cas couldn't think about it. He managed one more small smile for Sam, then went inside with Dean.
Sam made a run for beer, leaving Dean and Castiel in the small hotel room alone. Cas was surprisingly happy when Dean went to take a shower. It was hard for Castiel to look at Dean, knowing that when Dean looked at Cas he saw a complete stranger.
Castiel had closed his eyes, trying to rest, even though he didn't need to. There was something about performing human actions that made him feel like less of an outsider. He sprawled out on the small couch, trying to get comfortable. He turned the television off; unable to take the obnoxious weeping that was coming from whatever movie Dean had been watching.
But even after Castiel had turned the TV off, the crying persisted. Cas sat up, trying to figure out where the crying was coming from. He realized that Dean had never actually turned on the shower, and the crying was coming from the bathroom.
Cas busted into the bathroom, afraid Dean had gotten hurt. He found the tough-as-nails hunter sitting in the floor crying.
"Dean." Cas said softly, sitting down next Dean and touching his arm. Dean startled, obviously not hearing Cas come into the bathroom. "Are you hurt?" Cas took a quick glance at Dean's body. No blood.
"No. I just…" Dean took a deep breath, trying to stop crying. Castiel new the look on his face; he had seen it so many times before. Dean was a man, a hunter. He wasn't supposed to be crying. He was stronger than that. Cas that it was complete bull though. Dean bottled everything up so often that it ended up exploding out of him in angry and rage, usually lashed out at someone who didn't deserve it. Cas and Sam had both been through it many times with Dean, and they had learned to just let him lash out, knowing he would feel sorry about it later on and apologize. It was who Dean was, neither of them could change that.
But Dean couldn't seem to stop crying this time. The tears kept streaming down his face, and Castiel had no idea what to do. He was used to Dean yelling at him when he got upset, but the tears were completely new to him.
"Dean, talk to me." Dean looked up at Cas through his teary eyes, debating whether to talk to this stranger or not. He took a deep breath, ready to let it all out.
"I got them killed Cas. My mom and dad. They're dead because of me." Cas' head was reeling, wondering where this could have come from.
"You remember what happened to them?" Cas asked, wanting to know how much Dean remembered so he wouldn't say the wrong thing and upset him further.
"Yeah, I remember. That demon killed them because of me. It's all my fault Cas." Dean dropped his head in his hands, shaking his head back and forth, trying to expel the thoughts from his mind. "That was one thing I could have lived without remembering."
Cas put his arm around Dean, trying to comfort him. Cas sat on the bathroom floor, his arm around Dean until he finally stopped crying.
"So who are you really Cas?" Dean startled Castiel by asking once they were back on the couch, infomercials playing quietly on the TV.
"What do you mean?" Cas didn't know if Dean was remembering that he was an angel, but he didn't wanna risk telling Dean and having him freak out.
"Sam said you were our friend, but you're more than that aren't you? There's something he didn't tell me." Cas wasn't sure what Dean was getting at. What more could he be to the Winchester's?
"I don't understand what you mean. I'm your friend Dean. Sam didn't lie to you about that."
"So you aren't more than a friend? I mean, we aren't…ya know?" Cas started to understand what Dean was getting at. He thought they were together, like dating? Cas tried not to be happy. Dean didn't remember anything, so far all he knew it could be possible.
"No, we aren't Dean." Cas couldn't help but notice how Dean's face fell a tiny bit at that.
"Does Sam know I'm bi?" Cas' breath stopped, not wanting to believe what he had just heard. Cas knew what bi meant, but he had never thought of Dean as being bisexual.
"You never told us that Dean." Cas was trying not to hope it was true. It was probably just Dean's amnesia. He thought he was remembering something, but later on he would realize he was wrong or that he it was some other memory.
"I didn't think I did. I remember being too embarrassed to ever tell Sam." Dean got up to get the last 2 beers out of the fridge, handing one to Cas which he downed before Dean sat back down beside him. He kept wondering where Sam was with the new beer. Cas really needed another one. Or ten.
"Do you remember when you found out you were bisexual?" Cas was still trying to keep himself from hoping that there was a possibility Dean could be interested in him. After all, technically Castiel didn't have a gender. So Dean would probably never like him.
"Not exactly, but I think it was a year or two ago. I remember…someone. I'm not sure who, but there was this guy and I fell for him." Cas' heart dropped into his stomach. Dean was in love with someone else and Cas was in love with Dean.
"I can't remember anything about him, I just know he exists. It's hard to explain, but there's something inside me that knows he's out there, ya know?" Cas just shook his head, not knowing what to say anymore. Dean was in love, which was good. Cas was happy for him.
But Cas couldn't help but think that Balthazar was right. Maybe he should leave the Winchester's. There was no way Dean would ever feel the same way about Castiel, so why should he stay and torture himself?