Only I know how it ends.
"Some men may follow me/ But you choose death and company." Speechless-
Pain was all the existed.
Raven was beginning to realize. Life was an endless chain of pain and suffering. It was mind boggling really. She came to this grim conclusion while she was staring at the tub drain, while she laid particularly immobile in the now lukewarm water of the bathtub. The bubbles had dissolved into mere suds and the detergent had died in her hair hardening the ends. She shivered as a cool chill ran across her shoulders. She sighed deeply and leaned back into the water letting what little heat there was left caress her skin.
"Why is everyone dying to live, if we're just living to die?" she asked herself.
Buffy, who had been sleeping on top of the pile of her discarded clothing opened one eye briefly and responded with a low purr. Raven brought the steamed glass of wine to her lips and downed the rest of its contents wishing that is was scotch. She didn't usually drink in the middle of the day time but after the week she had been having she deserved it. She strained her eyes to see the time. According to her watch which had been sitting on vanity a safe distance from the bathtub is was a quarter past four, which gave her little more than two hours.
She sighed deeply and sunk further into the depths of the water. She had been struggling with herself all morning. She slid until the water was above her head and held herself there. It would be so easy. Just hold herself there long enough...
There was a familiar burn in her lungs. It was a sensation that she had learned to hate. Her eyes immediate snapped open and she bolted up in the tub gasping for air as she reached the surface. A wave of water sailed over the edge of the tub soaking the floor. Buffy jolted up from where she had been laying and hissed before strutting out of bathroom.
Raven brushed the water and hair out of her face before deciding that bath time was over. She slid on the excess water and grabbed a terry bathrobe from the closet. She sat at the vanity examining herself and combing the tangles out of her wet hair. Raven sighed deeply. It was almost four thirty which gave her two and half hours to make a decision.
She had been on and off all morning. On one hand she could just let Dick fuck her. Get it over with. Zip, zip, bam, bam, she's done, she's dressed, she could get back to her life. It was so much more complex, like moral ambiguity. A clockwork orange. It seemed so simple on the surface, but in truth there were so many layers.
Even if she did just sleep with Dick there was no telling if he would get out of her life. He was a compulsive liar and she didn't trust for a minute that he meant what he said. Raven liked to think she was more strong willed than he gave her credit for, but part of her wasn't sure anymore. There was a part of her, a growing part, that was excited by their enticing albeit dangerous game of cat and mouse. She was attracted to the pertentousness and even the abuse.
Raven was started by a sudden knock outside her bedroom door. It was very faint, unnoticable to most people. Garfield always complained that Raven had super sonic hearing. She could hear him eating cereal in the kitchen all the way from her bedroom. She froze and remained still. Silence.
"Buffy?" she called knowing full well her cat was quieter than church mouse.
She rose from the vanity and tried to get a peak from the crack in the door. She took slow advancing steps avoiding the wet spots on the floor. She stopped at the door to her bedroom and peaked out of the crevice before pushing the door open. Her bedroom was completely unchanged. Her bed was still made from this morning. There was still the latest issue of Vogue laying face down in the wicker chair on top of her discarded black blazer.
Raven stepped fully into her room her feet dampening the cream colored carpet. She took in her surroundings and scanned the room. That's when she noticed it. An expensive looking baby blue garment box with a silver ribbon laying on her bed. She stared at it dumb founded. She glanced at the bedroom door and noted that it was shut, the way it had been all morning considering she had not left her bedroom. She shuffled over to the window and yanked that curtains back.
The patio was still as was the rest of the Hollywood hills. She pulled the curtain back to their resting place and stormed into the hallway. She grabbed onto the railing and leaned over. She listened for anything. Nothing. She turned back into her bedroom and stood in front of the mysterious box. She analyzed it like a kid on Christmas morning, except with much more suspicion.
Finally she determined that there was no bomb inside of it that would detonate if she removed the lid. She ripped the ribbon off and threw the cover to the ground. She stared at the item for a long silent minute. It was a gorgeous black Monique Lhuillier dress. Silk chiffon, jeweled halter, empire waist with sash. She had seen this dress on t.v. for Paris fashion week. It cost well over four thousand dollars.
She laid the dress carefully on the bed and looked it over up and down. She turned her attention towards the box. There was no note, but she already knew who it was from. Raven sighed and ran her fingers through her hair before returning to the bathroom. She found the bottle of wine sitting more than half empty on the counter. She poured herself another glass.
What to do? What to do?
Raven pulled the bottle drawer of her vanity which was filled with various prescriptions. Some for depression and some for insomnia. They ranged from anxiety to obsessive compulsive disorder. Whatever she could convince a psychiatrist to give her. She shifted through the dozens of orange bottles before she found the one she was looking for. Valium, her favorite. It was prescribed for her anxiety disorder and made her feel invincible whether she needed it or not. She shook the bottle until a little blue pill fell into the palm of her hand.
She considered taking it now, but decided it would better serve for later. She got up feeling much about herself and had come to a logical decision. She went into her bedroom, sat on her bed next to the gorgeous designer gown, and picked up the phone.
She dialed the number and waited for an answer. "Hello, Anderson's Locksmith's? Hi, can someone be out here this afternoon? It's an emergency."
Raven arrived at the Palace hotel promptly at seven o'clock. She was surprised to see a myriad of finely dressed socialites arriving at the lobby. She had to admit the gown looked gorgeous on her. She couldn't help but wonder how Dick seemed to know her measurements. Probably snooping around in her closet. She could seeing him now digging around in her underwear drawer, sniffing her panties and making a mess in her bed. Maybe that was just the Buspar talking. She broke down a took half of a pill before she left and downed it with a glass of white wine. The only thing keeping her from crashing on her way to the hotel was angels.
She looked incredible. She paired her dress with a romantic bun, polished nails, sexy Jimmy Choos, and a golden clutch. She stood in the lobby scanning the crowd with no sign of him. She took a moment to compose herself before entering the ballroom. Anyone who was anyone in LA was there. Artists, writers, musicians. All of those Bohemian types.
Raven crossed the room without attracting too much attention to herself. She slid into a stool and the bar. She wasn't really in the mood to drink, as she had, had at least four glasses of wine before she left.
"What can I get for you?" The dressed up bartender asked her.
Raven sighed. "Uh, dirty martini- I guess."
The bartender nodded before mixing her drink. She glanced around at the crowded room. She was beginning to think that this was all a trick. He had never planned on showing up. It was all part of the game. Raven laughed. Stupid woman. She shrugged and brought the delicate glass to her lips. Oh well, she got a free dress out of it and if the combination of the narcotics and alcohol got her frisky enough she just take the Ashton Kutcher looking bartender to an empty room during his break. Or shift, depending on how frisky she was feeling.
She swayed in her seat slightly moving to the music. A band was playing Sing Sing Sing with a Swing. For the first time in nearly four weeks she felt great. She started at the sudden feeling of a gentle hand tapping on her shoulder. Raven swung around annoyed in her seat. She was facing a very fragile looking young man.
Her eyes began scanning him before she could stop herself. His bow tie was crooked, his shirt wrinkled, and his eyes red and watering in a sickly sort of way. Somehow this man seemed familiar to her, but she found herself incapable of putting a name to his lethargic looking face.
"Yes?" she said finally. "Can I help you.?"
"Ms. Roth?" The boy said expecting her to suddenly remember her. There was another long, awkward moment of silence. He continued. "It's me Cristobel Walkins."
She stared at him blankly.
He coughed into a monogrammed handkerchief. "Uh, I attended the Art Institute of Manhattan. I won the young upcoming artists award my freshman year and your gallery in SoHo put my work on exhibit."
Raven's mouthed formed an "O", though she only vaguely remembered. Though she couldn't for the life of her remember any of his work she remembered him. Sickly little boy. Sarcoidosis or something. She called him Chopin, because he reminded her of the musician. He went on about how he was touring and would be going to Europe this summer to display his new works. Poor sap, artists didn't make any real money or fame anymore. He was about two hundred years too late.
"You look beautiful." He said lowly.
Raven chugged the rest of her martini. "Thank you. Can I get another one?" she asked the bartender.
"UH, I was watching you as you came in. You look much more comfortable among the dilettante than I do." he said bashfully.
Raven noted that his hands were shaking and he looked clammy. She reached into her clutch and pulled out a cigarette. She placed it between her red stained lips and lit it. "It's something you get use to." She said wondering why this little twit was still talking to her. "You just need to be a little more confident."
He was standing closer to her now. Raven's eyes narrowed and she sat slightly more erect. He ran his finger up her arm. "You want to go somewhere quieter?" He said as his hand moved closer to her breast.
She failed at choking back her laughter. She unintentionally barked a scoff. She leaned in closer to him. "Listen to me kid. I've had some pills and a couple of drinks and let me tell you my libido is up and I still wouldn't fuck you."
She snorted a laugh, which continued through the blank, slightly disappointed, look on Christobel's face before he wondered off. Raven swing back around in her seat beginning to feel her high wearing off. It had been fun while it lasted. She brought her cigarette back to her lips and exhaled. According to her watch it was half past seven. With no sign of Dick she shrugged and stood up. She prepared to find that hot bartender and drag him off to a dark corner somewhere.
"Leaving so soon?" She heard a husky voice from behind her.
She turned around to see a formal looking Dick leaning against the bar with that amused grin plastered on his face. I guess that means he's in a good mood. Raven had to admit he looked damn good in his Dolce and Gabbana suit. He and Eric Bana were the only men on the planet who could make five o'clock shadow look good.
"You're late." she said sliding back into her seat.
He was silent for a minute, he examined her carefully. She could feel his eyes piercing into her. She shifted uncomfortably. "You showed up." he stated.
"Surprised?" she said as provocatively as possible.
He shrugged. "No, not really."
"I must admit I'm glad you invited me out tonight. I'm having a great time." Raven said swaying in her seat.
"Are you high?" he asked indifferently.
She shrugged. "A little bit. God, I wish I had some Ecstasy right now."
He grabbed her hand and pulled her out of her seat. "Come dance with me." he said. Before she could give an answer Dick was pulling her towards the dance floor. He supported her slightly unsteady form by the small of her back and her hand. Raven didn't usually like to be lead in a dance but she was so out of this world that it didn't even matter.
Dick ran his hand up her back to feel her lack brassiere through the thin silk of her gown. Raven didn't really notice. She was a little bit unsteady on her feet. Yes taking that pill combined with alcohol was not a good idea. Dick lead Raven to the best of his ability.
"Here," he whispered seductively into her ear. "Feel my touch. Listen to the music. Respond to it." He ran his hand down her back and groped her.
"Are you feeling it in my backside?" she whispered back.
He didn't say anything. He just brushed a piece of loose hair out of her face. He dropped his hand and grabbed Raven's. Without a word he began to lead her through the throng of people. The hallway was congested with bustling waiters too busy steadying hot plates of overly priced food to notice the pair. Dick had Raven in a police hold as he practically dragged her down the hall and around the corner. She couldn't help but notice the quickness of his feet. Several times she stumbled over the hem of her dress.
Dick stopped abruptly at a glass door. He pulled the door open and pulled Raven onto the dark and empty veranda.
"Wha-" Her words were cut off by the suddenness of his lips against hers.
The kiss was rough and frenzied. His tongue dominated her mouth. Dick's hand ran down the side of her waist and lifted up thigh as her back met the wall. She gasped at the sensation. His hand slid underneath of her dress groping her thigh while the other one worked on her breast. Everything was so hazy. His lips met her neck and the quiet night was interupted by their harsh breathing. Raven's trembling hands fumbled to untuck his shirt. Her fingers ran over his hard abdominal. She could the contraction of his stomach.
Dick grabbed her from around the waist and hoisted her up onto a table, while once again attacking her mouth. He slid the bottom of her dress up to her waist. He used his hips to spread her legs apart. She could feel the stiffness of his manhood pressed against her innder thigh. She reached down to unbuckle his belt, but his hand stopped her. He placed a cold, hard object in the palm of her and brought her hand up to her face.
He kissed her knuckles. He took a step backwards and tucked his shirt back into his pants. Raven watched as he ran his hands through his now sweaty hair. "I told you you'd come around Kitten." He said stepping back into the hotel.
He shut the door behind him.
Raven hopped down from the table, her dress falling back to her feet. She looked down at her hand and found the courage to open it. Laying in the palm of her hand was a room key with a plastic tag attached to it. 121.
She stared down at the key before reentering the hotel. When she was sure the coast was clear she was coolly and casually as possible glided towards the elevator. When inside she pressed the 3. As she waited for the lift she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror at the back of the elevator. Her hair was sagging and limp. She removed the hair pins that were keeping what was left of her bun in place and let her hair fall to her shoulders. Her lipstick was smeared and there was a definite hickey forming at the side of her neck.
Her high was definitely gone. The elevator reached the third floor. Raven remained in the elevator staring into the empty and quiet corridor, convinced that she was making the biggest mistake of her entire life. She was so ashamed of herself.
The elevator door rang and began to close. She grabbed the edge of the door and pushed it back open as she stepped onto the floor. Her heart was thumping in her chest. Clarity. She acknowledged, perhaps, for the first time walking down that hallway, that the only reason Dick had gotten her to get this far was because he manipulated her. She was attracted to the danger. She liked their little game of cat and mouse. She liked the abuse.
Call her an emotional masochist.
Story of her life. She was attracted to anything self destructive. But this time it was different. She stopped in front of the door. If she gave herself to Dick he would win. It would be beyond hurting herself. She would be destroying herself.
Raven stood immobile for a long unbearable moment feeling the ache of heart against her chest. Allowing the rationality to return she turned around and fled. The elevator couldn't move fast enough. When she arrived in the lobby she took quick stride through the crowd tossing the hotel key in ficus pot sitting by door on her way out.
This time she shut the door behind her.
Raven returned to house sometime around ten feeling empowered. She had left ample time in between their rendezvous time and now for Dick to realize that he had no control over her. A small part of her was nervous when she pulled into the garage, but her anxiety was assuaged when she saw the parking space to be void of Dick's Lexus. She had packed his shit and left it in the garage before she had left, as she had the locks changed that afternoon. She turned off the engine and stared at her steering wheel allowing the freedom to wash over her. Raven sat and enjoyed the solitude. Yes, the glass was finally half full.
Raven entered her house cautiously. She was enveloped by complete silence sans Buffy's tags jingling with her every move. None of the lights were on. She tip toed upstairs and down the hall to the room where Dick had been staying. The door was open, but there was no sign of movement or sound. Raven stood in the doorway. Her heart beat at an irregular pace. She turned the light on for the final confirmation.
The bed was made with the Egyptian cotton bedding neatly folded. She walked into the connecting bathroom to find damp towels hanging from the towel rod. The scent of his masculine bath wash lingered in the shower. It smelled like Irish Spring. She walked back into the bedroom with an odd sense of being. His clothes, his things all gone. But his essence, the uncontrollable sense of danger...
Raven tore open the dresser. There wasn't so much as a leftover sock. Her eyebrows furrowed. Something was not right. It wasn't something should could explain, after all she had won. She had stood her ground and more importantly her will against that psychopath Dick Grayson. He was gone, out of her life for good. So why didn't she feel free?
Raven must have stood in her now unoccupied bedroom, just pondering for at least ten minutes. She was beginning to think this house was too big. No one under the age of thirty should be living in a glass house by themselves. She took a deep breath, trying to convince herself to relax. Tomorrow she would schedule a well deserved vacation in Puerto Rico and call the Realtor. This was her chance to buy a loft in the city. Taking another deep breath she flicked off the light and stepped into the hallway.
With a sigh of contentment she shook the paranoia from her mind and returned to her own bedroom. Buffy was engaged in a fight with the blue ribbon from the garment box. She sat on the edge of her bed and laid back. All she wanted was to take another long bath and finish off the night with cup of tea and an ambien.
She traded in her designer dress for a loose fitting t shirt and yoga pants. She neatly placed the dress back in the box and banished it to the back of her closet. So long Grayson, good ridden. Raven heard the sound of Buffy hissing. The cat hissed again, loudly before dashing into the closet. She slid under a rack of clothes before peaking her head out and jumping into Raven's arm.
"What the hell?" Raven said standing up.
She took very slow and careful steps into her bedroom. Everything looked normal. She dropped Buffy onto her bed before making her way into the bathroom. She stood in front of the door before slowly pushing it open. The mirrors were foggy and it was surprisingly warm. Raven walked in the bathroom, and her heart almost stopped beating when she saw it.
Her bathtub, full of water and red rose petals.
A Figure bolted from behind the door and tackled Raven to the ground. Dick still in his tuxedo and madness in his eyes threw her torso into the bathtub. He stood over her holding her neck underneath of the water and her lower back to keep her there. Raven swallowed a gulp of water on impact, the sensation burned her nostrils and dried out her throat. She immediately began to frantically kick and attempted to make use of her arms.
Despite all of over frenzied and panicked movements Dick held her firm under the water. Raven's arms and legs were uselessly flailing around. When her movements become slightly slower. Dick pulled her out of the water and tossed her onto the ground. Raven's breath was caught on the tile. She took a gasping gulp of air, her heart frantic. She coughed a few times before her flight response returned to her.
She turned around to see Dick quickly advancing towards her. She panicked and attempted to crawl but her body slid on the pool of water. Dick grabbed a handful of her hair and yanked her up. She groaned in pain. He pulled her into the bedroom and tossed her on the floor again. Her head was suddenly throbbing.
Oh my God he's going to kill me! Raven thought.
For the first time she was well aware of the real danger she was in. Dick grabbed her from around her neck. Her held her against his chest. She could hear his breathing in her ear. It was heavy with belligerence.
"Claustrophobia huh?" he growled holding a thick belt in front of her.
Raven's eyes widened as she began to frantically pull away from him. He quickly wrapped the belt around her neck and tightened it. She could feel the air being squeezed out of her. Her hands clawed at the belt with no avail.
"It's disappointing really." Dick started the malice in his voice was masked by an eerie calmness.
Dick came closer to her tightening the belt around her neck. He enjoyed the helpless gasping sounds she was making. "I expected so much more from you." He continued.
Raven opened her mouth to say something. Dick kept his grip on the belt before loosening it enough for words to escape her quivering lips. She took in a deep breath. "Go fuck yourself." She rasped.
The belt tightened and Dick forced her to her knees. The pain in her throat was unbearable. "You think so highly of yourself. You think because your daddy stuck his hand down your pants that that gives you a reason to be pissed off with the world. You know fuck about pain-and suffering."
She noted that his icy eyes were burning, but not in lust. In anger. His glaze shifted into the distance. He barely noticed Raven clawing helplessly at the belt around her neck. He opened his mouth a few times and then closed it. As if he wanted to say something but couldn't find the words. He sighed before kneeling down in front of Raven keeping his grip tight on the belt.
"Look at you." he said gently dropping his hand.
Raven was becoming less able to focus on his actual words. She tried to focus on remaining calm and assuage her anxiety. Her whole body was quivering and her diaphragm ached. She opened her mouth to plead but she closed it immediately wondering if she was actually too proud to beg. Please! The words formed in her head but got caught in her throat. Dick watched her closely and though no words left her lips he seemed to understand.
He remained completely stoic. His eyes phlegmatic. "You're pathetic!" He shouted. "You're a spoiled little bitch, you know that. We all have pain! Everyone has pain! But we deal with deal with. We swallow it up and we move on. But you...You've gone your entire life pitying yourself. Oh woe is me my mommy died. I abused and molested. Get the fuck over it. You had so much potential. Wasted on self pity!"
Raven's vision doubled and her body went limp sans for the trembling. Dick looked down at her, coldness in his eyes. Raven was prepared to die when suddenly Dick let go of her and removed the belt from around her neck. Her throat passage was completely blocked.
He leaned down and whispered, "No one is here to save you now."
Without another thought Raven managed to get onto her knees and crawl over to her bedside table. She forced the drawer open and felt around for her inhaler. When she found it she shook it a couple of times before sticking it into her mouth. When she pressed down on it nothing came out.
No! Her panicked mind screamed.
She pressed it a few more times. Nothing. She looked up at Dick who was sitting in the wicker chair with expectant eyes smoking a cigarette. With no time to tread Raven mustered up all of her energy to stand up. She fell into the hallway and stumbled down the stairs. She could feel herself losing conscienceless. Her hands were shaking badly by the time she reached the kitchen. She fell to her knees as she grabbed her purse off of the table. She frantically dumped the contents onto the floor.
She grabbed her second inhaler, shook it, and pressed. It was empty too. It instantly clicked in her mind that he had purposely emptied her inhalers with the intention of killing her. The burning sensation of her throat and the uncomfortable lightheadness combined with a realization that she was about to die made Raven fall over. She struggled to draw a few more breaths as she laid on her kitchen floor suffocating to death.
Her vision was darkening, but the last thing she saw was Dick Grayson slowly coming down the stairs before everything went black.
-"Why you so speechless?"-
So this is usually the part where I give you some lame excuse for taking over a month to update. Well I don't have a good one so I'll be honest with you. I was having really bad writer's block which resulted in me spending over four weeks writing half a chapter which I hated. Earlier this week I completely tossed it out and restarted and I am much happier with the results. Good news I got my first acceptance letter and I turn 18 this week. It's all happening so fast.
In other news I got a part time job and tennis season is coming up so I am dedicated to finishing this story as quickly as possible, so the next update will probably during February vacation. I warn you the last couple of chapters will most likely be much shorter than the others.