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Chapter 3

I hate how it's so easy for people to look in onto your situation and judge. They don't know the whole story. They just know what they think they see, what others tell them and sometimes what you tell them. But sometimes you even leave out the parts you wish not to share. Sometimes it's hard to put emotions into words. Sometime…sometimes it's hard to do what's logical because your head is constantly fighting with your heart.

Outsiders just don't understand.

"Would you stop making sad eyes at her? Gosh!"

Like Erin for example, she's my best friend but she can't truly understand what I'm going through. She can listen and give advice but she can't feel what I feel. How I feel about this situation.

"I hate how she has you eating out of her palm." She slams her locker shut. And I remove my eyes from the back of Ashley's head to glare at Erin. "She's a bitch. Look…she doesn't care about you the way she should."

"Erin…" I sigh. I'm getting tired of this lecture.

"No you look." She points over my shoulder. "She's talking to that bitch Amber."

I turn around to look where Erin is pointing and sure enough Ashley is leaning against her locker, with a smile on her face while she talks to Amber. Amber is…I don't even want to think about that right now.

"Come on…" Erin hip checks me.

Before I turn around to walk with Erin, I give Ashley one more glance. She catches my eyes this time, smiles and waves. I just shift my eyes to Amber and back to Ashley. She frowns and shakes her head.

"Whatever." I say out loud and walk away.

"I'm sorry."

Erin and I are at her house doing homework. School sucked ass big time today. Ashley never came to the class we share and I didn't see her anywhere on campus throughout the rest of the day so I just assume she left. I didn't want to talk to her, but I still like seeing her and knowing that she's okay and actually participating at school.

"Spence."

"I'm sorry, what?" I give my attention back to Erin. She has moved from her desk to sit next to my spread out body on her bed.

"Hey…" She runs her hands through my hair. "I'm sorry I was so insensitive today at school about the whole Ashley thing." She starts. I move to rest my head on her lap while she continues to talk. "I just…you're a great girl Spencer and you deserve a hell of a lot better. But still I should know that it's not that easy for you to just move on and I have to be more aware of your feelings."

"It's okay." I give a weak smile and sit up. "I'm tired so I think I'm just going to go."

Erin helps me pack my stuff and walks me to my car.

"Friend." She pulls me into a hug. "I love you."

"I love you too."

"If you want. I can be nicer to Ashley, I guess." She sighs.

"It's okay Erin." I sigh. "Look…its okay if you don't like her, but…just try not to talk down about her. You might not be able to understand it but she still means a lot to me. And I just need you to just…leave it alone. Okay?" I swear we have this same conversation every week. She really can't stand Ashley after we broke up.

"Okay."

I get home around five and sit down and watch TV, trying not to really think about everything that happened today. About an hour later Ashley texts me and ask to come over. It takes me ten minutes to reply back to her. I'm not sure if I want to see her right now…correction I'm not sure if it's a good time to see her right now. I always want to see her.

Again. Head fighting with heart.

Never the less my heart wins out and I hear Ashley greeting my mother downstairs before there is a knock on my bedroom door. I give her the okay to come in.

"Hey…" she smiles and sits on the end of my bed near my feet. I'm sitting up with my back against the headboard.

"What's up?" I give a weak smile.

"Well…I was thinking…" She leans back on to her elbows and look at me. "You. Me. Dinner on Friday?"

"Seriously?" She frowns.

"What?"

It's only been a couple of days since we went to the movies together. Which wasn't so bad, I actually enjoyed our time together…well until she tried to kiss me and I felt like my world was caving in.

"I…I don't know." I sigh and close my eyes. My eyes shot open when I feel Ashley warm palm against my bare legs. She uses two fingers and makes them walk up and down my leg. "I don't think I'm ready to try again with you." I say quietly, watching her fingers on my leg.

"Do you want to?" Her fingers never stop their movement.

"I don't know." I answer honestly.

"Okay." She stops her fingers and sits up. We sit in silence until I can't take it anymore.

"What were you talking about with Amber earlier?"

"Stuff." She shrugs. I get pissed.

"Stuff?" I repeat and shake my head. "Did you ask her to dinner too?" Ashley gives me a 'what the fuck' face.

"Spencer…don't."

"Don't what Ashley!" I throw one of my pillows at her. "You're a jerk!" I move my leg when she tries to grab it. "I can't believe this." I lower my voice. I don't want my parent to hear us arguing.

"All we talked about was school." Ashley says getting off the bed. "School stuff which equals a whole bunch of nothing. Okay?" She says walking to the other side of the bed and taking off her shoes. I watch as she takes off her shirt and leave on her wife beater. She opens her jeans, but don't take them off. I know she hates getting in bed with jeans on, but she knows I won't be comfortable if she takes them off.

She climbs into bed with me. We both are sitting on the comforter with our backs against the headboard.

"I'm still mad at you." I huff.

"I'm sure." Rolling her eyes as she says it.

"Is that Amber?" I ask when her phone goes off and she grabs it off the nightstand to look at her new message.

"No." She says with attitude. "It's my mom." She puts the phone close to my face.

"Move." I slap her hand away.

"Why?" she drops the phone into my lap. "Go ahead." She nods at the device in my lap. "You can look through my phone if you want."

"Stop." I push the phone into her chest.

"I will when you get off the bullshit." I roll my eyes.

"Bullshit?" I move around to where I can see her face clearly. "Fuck you. You cheated on me, Ashley."

"Spe…"

"And now you say you want to get back together but you have the nerve to still hang around the girl you cheated on me with and you want me to what?…Be okay with you smiling and talking to her…"

"I didn't sleep with her!" She raises her voice. "Fuck." She tosses her phone to the end of the bed when it goes off again.

"Whatever." I get off of the bed. "Can you get you stuff and leave, please?"

"I haven't had sex with anyone else." She follows me to me to my bedroom door. I open it and look down the hall and make sure my parents are nowhere near my door, before closing in and leaning against it.

"Sure you haven't." I roll my eyes and walk past her.

"Stop." She grabs my hand.

"I bet if you had a little more time, you would have slept with her." I still have the images of walking in on my girlfriend with her tongue down someone else's throat. "Your hands were seconds away from her ass."

"I wasn't going to sleep with her." She protests.

"It doesn't matter, Ashley." I cry. "You kissed someone else while we were together."

"I know." She whispers and pulls me into a hug. "I'm sooo sorry."

"I can't trust you anymore." I mumble into her shoulder. "You say it never happened before and it won't happen again, but…" I sniff. "I can't be sure of that."

"But I am." She kisses my hair. "I swear…I swear it will never happen again." She pulls my head from her shoulder so she can look me in the face. "I love you so much."

"This hurts."

"I'm so sorry, Spencer." Tears come down her face. "I don't even know why I did it." She shakes her head. "It had nothing to do with you. I was mad at my parents and…I was a bitch to you for no reason." She kisses my cheek. "I don't even like Amber…or anyone else. I was stupid."

"Yea…you were."

"Please…I need another chance."

"I don't like Amber." I tell her simply.

"Me either." She smiles and I can't help to turn my lip up.

"Stop…I'm being serious."

"Me too." I push her shoulder. "Okay."

"I don't want to jump back into a relationship with you." She starts to look sad. "But we can still date."

"Date?"

"Like we are not official but we both want it to get there. So we can do stuff together…until it leads to more."

"More meaning…you being mines again?"

"Yea." I smile when her face lights up. "No Amber though." I say serious again. "I know I might seem like a bitch for saying this but…if you're serious about us, I don't want you associating with her."

"That's understandable."

"And we need to talk more about all of this." She nods her head.

"Whatever you want."

"You hurt me Ashley and I can't go through that again." I sigh. "I love you but I love myself more, and I refuse to let you hurt me again."

"Never." She whispers.

"Okay."

TBC