Title: Gone Away
Author: Keir
Rating: PG-13 (for now), swearing, violence, gay lovings
The Gist of Things: Kyou loves Haru, but will the ox realize it in time?
A/N: Hmm, it's a little more choppy than I like it, but if I stare at it any longer I'll go crazy. XD Also el oh el salaryman Haru, hehe.
/ around text means flashback
The yard was quiet as Hatori crossed it, heading toward a far corner set back closer to the woods. The keys in his hand jangled. The house was quiet today, a rarity. Normally there would be muffled shouting, banging, any sort of noise to break up the silence. It was so quiet it was eerie; even the birds seemed to have noticed because their songs didn't fill the air. Hatori reached up to turn the keys in the various locks to the reinforced door, a ritual he had grown used to.
The Cat's room.
It was nothing but a one-room house with a bathroom set back on the outskirts of the Sohma complex; out there he couldn't disturb the family. No windows, no light fixtures. Nothing on the walls, nothing on the floor. Bare and harsh and cruel.
That was where he found Kyou. The cat was curled up in the blankets on the floor, huddled there, his breathing slow. The dragon rarely saw him in anything but a fitful state; sometimes tranquilizers had been necessary. Not for the first time he noted with a clinical eye the scratch marks all over the walls. "It's time to go."
Kyou stirred, blinking hazily. "W-what?"
"Come." Hatori held the door open.
The bedraggled orange-haired boy stood and walked slowly to the threshold of the dark room, glancing around nervously. The dragon grabbed his arm and propelled him outside. Kyou stood still, trying to shield his watering eyes from the light. When he adjusted enough, he blinked at Hatori's blank face. It was almost the only thing on the outside he recognized, that face. His eyes hurt so much. Did the air outside always feel this fresh? Could he ever hear the sounds of the forest quite so loudly in the past? He couldn't remember. Everything he ever knew seemed to be a shadow, a small blur left undefined in time.
The dragon silently began to lead him across the Sohma complex to the main gate, as if sensing his younger cousin could no longer even remember the way. Kyou refused to follow at first, staring at Hatori's back. "None of them are out there, are they?" he whispered.
"No," the man answered simply; the cat nodded and followed. "You realize that you are not allowed to stay here at the compound?" Kyou didn't know what to say, so he remained silent. The light outside was so bright; he didn't remember sunshine ever hurting his eyes so much. He was glad that the man had told him the truth, glad that none of the Juunishi were there to stare at him. To pity him. To accuse him. Hatori stopped before the gate, turning to his younger cousin. "You are not to contact any of the Sohmas. You are not to come near here again, understood?"
Kyou stared at nothing with starved eyes and walked past the dragon without even a nod, out through the gate. The door closed behind him solidly; he walked down the path to the public street on weak legs. Once there, he stared at the road beyond. He realized, not for the first time, that he had nowhere to go. With the homes of the Sohmas closed to him, and even the cold darkness of the room he had been locked in for three years taken away, there was no place to travel to. He stood staring at the road blankly for a while, figuring he didn't have much else to do. It was almost too much to keep standing.
He jolted as a leather-gloved hand laid itself on his shoulder. He stared at the young man, seeming to recall much softer curves to the face, a little more naivety in those eyes. He liked it better when that white hair caressed cheekbones; it seemed too short. "Haru?" His voice cracked, vocal cords ill-used.
"Come on, Kyou."
The cat's heart lurched, his eyes going unfocused. The leaves of the trees swayed in the breeze; he turned away, trying to walk down the street. Away from that place, away from the past. "I can't be here, I can't see you. They can't see you with me."
"Then come get something to eat with me. Just...just something, Kyou. You can barely walk."
The ox tried to grab his elbow, but he sidled away, wobbling and falling to the ground. The wall around the Sohma property loomed above him, mocking him. The cat looked back to the road, trying to fathom what to do. "I don't have money."
"I'll take care of everything." The ox grabbed him by the arms and lifted him up, brooking no argument. It hurt him to see Kyou like this, more than he'd ever thought possible.
Three years ago Yuki had walked home with him to the main house, leaving Tohru at the safety of Shigure's place with Momiji for company. They had walked up to find Hatori and Shigure standing there, waiting for them under the blossoming cherry trees.
/"Shigure, where's Kyou?" Yuki had demanded, dropping his briefcase. "They came and took him while we were at school. I told him not to go until we could get Hatori to go with him, but he's a stubborn idiot."
The dog shared a glance with the dragon before looking into Yuki's eyes. "The Cat is gone."
"What?" The rat's eyes widened. "What happened to Kyou?" Hatsuharu felt himself still.
Hatori threw his cigarette on the ground and stomped it out. "Leave it alone, Yuki. The Cat is gone."
"Stop calling him that! His name is Kyou! What did Akito do to him?" Hatsuharu blinked in surprise at his grey-haired cousin's outburst; he'd never heard Yuki say anything remotely this vehement in Kyou's defense.
"I think you know." Hatori's gaze never wavered.
"You bastards! You let this happen!" Yuki shouted.
Shigure began to look uncomfortable. "There's nothing anyone could have done, Yuki. The Cat is the Cat; there's no help for it." The dragon shot him a glare and he shrugged slightly.
The ox stood, saying nothing.
Hatori reached into a pocket and produced a crumpled piece of paper, handing it to the youngest cousin. "You are to tell Tohru that Kyou left a note and ran away. If you don't comply, you know what will happen." He shot Yuki one more stern look, then he walked away./
A world without Kyou. No fighting and harassment, Shigure's house staying in one piece. A joyful graduation ceremony without the cat, who would never receive his high school diploma. The worst part was admitting that after the first few months, everyone's life went on like normal. Only Tohru would mention happily how she hoped Kyou was doing well wherever he was, say worriedly she wished he would send a post card to let them know he was okay.
And they had all kept silent.
Now he had to come to terms with the fact that he was holding the sickly cat in his arms, helping him into his car. Not only that but he could feel all of his ribs, see the boys wrist bones jutting out from stretched skin. The biggest shock had been his hair, shoulder length and faded to a dull orange. One edge of Kyou's black t-shirt hung off his shoulder; he was too small for it now.
Once Hatsuharu got the cat in the car, he weighed his options. He thought about contacting Ayame, getting Kyou some new clothes and a haircut, but he thought about what the cat said before. He couldn't let the others see Kyou, at least not yet (and especially not Tohru). Besides, Aya had a big mouth and he didn't want him getting word through the familial grapevine. He started the car with a sigh and drove toward his apartment complex, praying none of his neighbors would see him dragging what looked like a vagrant into his home.
Kyou was in his own world, his mind chasing thoughts around and around. At first he couldn't focus, didn't know where he was, then it hit him: the smell of Haru. It was everywhere. He finally took notice of where he was. Beige walls and beige carpet, sleek black furniture, all stamped with the signature smell of Hatsuharu. The cat staggered to his feet, worrying the ox as the younger boy watched him wobble. Kyou stumbled around the room, staring at all the pictures of family on walls and shelves.
And not one picture of him.
His hands held him up against the wall as he looked at them all, his eyes falling to rest on a picture of Tohru with a large belly, smiling at Yuki.
"Tohru and Yuki...after you were..." Hatsuharu said uncomfortably behind him.
"I know. Hatori told me," Kyou said roughly, staggering along the wall, fingers trying to dig in for purchase.
The ox blinked. "Hatori talked to you? I thought that none of us were allowed to see you. He never said anything about it..."
Kyou ignored him, stroking the silver frame to a picture of Kisa as a teenager. "She grew up beautiful," he rasped, finally passing it by. Hiro and his belligerent eyes, having grown into a scrawny teen like Yuki had been. Kagura standing with arms spread and a grin on her face in front of a florist shop. Pictures of Christmas and New Years' and cherry blossom festivals. Ayame, Shigure and Hatori sharing a drink of sake. Momiji and Hatsuharu at their high school graduation.
His eyes finally came to rest on a mirror and he blinked at himself. "May I please have some scissors?" he whispered, sliding down the wall, leaning against it.
Hatsuharu walked into his small kitchen and came back out with a pair of scissors but held them away from Kyou. "Here, let me do it." The cat closed his eyes and didn't protest, breath fluttery and weak as the ox began to snip. Hatsuharu wished Ayame was here to do it; the snake at least knew the basics about giving a haircut, but anything was better than how Kyou looked now.
The orange hair began to fall in a growing pile, collecting around the boy it fell from like apples from a tree. Eventually Hatsuharu found himself as satisfied as he was going to get about it and stood to put away the scissors and clean the mess. When he had settled everything he stood over the cat, studying him. "I don't remember ever seeing you this pale," he remarked, noting that the almost perpetual tan he remembered Kyou having had been leeched from his skin.
"I haven't gotten out much," the orange-haired boy replied, glancing up and then away. Haru seemed much bigger than he had been before, or maybe it was because the cat was so lean now. He didn't know. He was so tired.
Hatsuharu knelt down. "Kyou, when Yuki went away with Tohru I—"
"I told you not to talk to me about him ever again, didn't I?" The ox blinked, taken aback that the cat would remember saying something like that to him years ago. Kyou rasped out, "Don't look at me like that. I haven't had a life for three years; all I had were memories to live over and over and over... Over and over again until I can't remember if the memories I have are real or not. I can't remember if I even had a life, or if I'm making all this up." Warm tears fell softly over his cheeks.
"Kyou, you're not well." Hatsuharu felt a pang of sadness at the blank look in the cat's eyes. "Just stay here for the night."
"I can't."
"Why not?" The cat shrugged, still staring off. "Just...just for tonight, Kyou. You don't have to live with me, but just stay for the night."
The cat gazed at the perfect curve of his cousin's cheek, unable to look him in the eyes. "Okay."
"You can have my room." He made a move to help the older boy but was growled away. Kyou rose painfully and without grace to follow Hatsuharu into his tidy bedroom. "I'll make us something simple, some ramen."
The ox turned to head into the kitchen when Kyou said, "Haru, answer me something."
"Yes, Kyou?"
"When you decided to bring me here, was it because you cared, or because I'm just your cousin?" The ox remained silent, his face blank behind the mask he had used so many times. "Aa, that's what I thought." He closed the bedroom door.
It had been three days. Kyou was still at Hatsuharu's apartment and neither of them spoke about the arrangement.
The first day the ox had awkwardly tried to start conversation; the cat had sat silently staring. He couldn't get his older cousin to do anything. He was worried, but not worried enough yet to call in any of the others. It frustrated him beyond belief to see the once-irate cat sitting in mind-numbing silence. But the ox also felt that he couldn't leave Kyou alone just yet.
The second day he had no choice; the younger cousin had had to go to work, and Kyou had idled by the small kitchen window all day, staring at the outside world. When Hatsuharu came home he felt exasperated that his cousin could have sat there for so long. He couldn't wrap his mind around losing the quarrelsome teen Kyou had been.
And that was the scariest thought of all: what if Kyou never recovered? What if he just remained this shell without a mind?
On the third, Hatsuharu made a small, pleading outburst to his older cousin, begging him to show some emotion, to do something. The cat had simply stared at the wall from where he laid on the couch, and Haru had eventually left him alone. Over the days, the ox had been preparing all the meals, cleaning all the dishes, doing all the laundry. Kyou wore some of his clothes; the younger boy sometimes had to motivate his cousin to even change his attire. The cuffs of the shirts and pants seemed to swallow Kyou's wrists and ankles whole.
Hatsuharu had given up his bed completely to Kyou, sleeping on the couch in his apartment's small living room, reassuring the orange-haired boy that he would soon buy a new futon and it was no trouble at all. But every morning his borrowed bed was as pristine as the day before; Hatsuharu knew Kyou wasn't making the bed. The cat had been sleeping on the floor, but the ox made no objections and continued to sleep on the couch.
So far he hadn't been able to coach Kyou to take a shower or bath. The cat would simply splash water on himself at the sink; Haru didn't protest. Today was the fourth day. The cat sat on the bed, listening to the quiet; Hatsuharu had gone to work hours ago. He stared at the guitar resting in the corner, remembered that the ox had told him he'd learned to play.
It occurred to him that Hatori was not there. Akito was not there. There were locks on the door, but they were made to keep people out, not in.
He decided to do something.
There weren't that many dirty clothes, so he improvised. He took all the towels from the cupboards in the bathroom, the sheets from the bed, everything in the closet. He carefully sifted through each article, making mounds of white and colour. Unable to remember what to do with red things, he made a tentative, small pile of everything crimson, maroon or scarlet. He methodically put clothes in and took them out, folding everything precisely before staring at the dryer door and waiting for the next dry batch.
Hatsuharu came home weary. All his worrying over Kyou was taxing his strength; he needed a good meal. His black shoes came off to rest beside Kyou's battered sneakers.
He wandered into the kitchen, hands running through his black and white hair. He stopped for a moment before his socked feet shuffled around stacks of properly-folded material. The ox stared at the
slumbering form of Kyou, scrunched up on his side on top of the dryer, with his hands curled up next to his chest. His orange hair was slightly full of static, and it splayed out starkly across the white machine. Haru stood quietly taking in the scene, feeling his eyes well with tears. Maybe Kyou would be all right after all.
Kyou lay on the floor in his cousin's bedroom shivering. He had curled up in a ball in the dark.
He was having that dream again. Warm hands running up his sides followed by a hot tongue, so much heat on him, surrounding him. His thighs spread, hips caressed. The pain of wanting, waiting. One name hanging on his lips.
Then everything changed and he was roughly grabbed, his wrists tied so tightly together that the binding cut through flesh. Trickles of blood ran down his arms as he tried to find the voice to scream. They ripped the shirt from him and it was so cold, so cold, and then the lash came down over and over and over... He hung limply, crying as they ripped the flesh from his body with the whip, the tips of his fingers going dark as circulation was cut off. "Abomination!" Akito's voice screamed at him and the beads were cut from his wrist. He changed, he was no longer human. He looked over at his dream lover to see disgust and contempt marring his pale face. "No! No!" He screamed as the lash came down again, his blood spraying the room. "Please! I'm human! No!"
He woke with a start, terrified and weeping. His hand strayed to his wrist, reassuring himself that his bracelet was still there. He lurched to his feet, his shirt clinging to him with sweat. The cat stumbled out of the bedroom, trying to be careful and not wake the ox. He crossed the living room into the bathroom and shut the door.
He frantically looked at his back in the mirror, swearing that his wounds had been opened afresh, but no blood stained his shirt. He shivered, clinging to the edge of the counter, closing his eyes only to find dream Hatsuharu's grey ones staring at him with hate and disgust. Kyou leaned over the sink and his stomach heaved, vomiting what little was left of the dinner he ate. He spit, trying to get the awful acid taste out of his mouth as he turned on the faucet.
The cat opened the medicine cabinet and was surprised at how many products he found. Hair volumizer, gel and split-end treatment. Cologne and aftershave and deodorant. He licked his lips nervously and took the cap off the volumizer, sniffing; it smelled like Haru. He greedily grabbed at the gel and aftershave, smelling each. Every one of them reminded him of the ox.
There was a knock on the door and he yelped, dropping the aftershave. The bottle shattered on the floor. "Kyou? What are you doing?" Hatsuharu asked sleepily through the door, trying to turn the locked doorknob. The cat remained silent, trying to soak up the mess with toilet paper; he made a small sound of distress as he cut himself on a shard of glass.
The ox on the other side of the door heard and began to panic, rattle the door in the frame. "Kyou, let me in! Kyou!" He set his shoulder against the door and shoved, splintering it and breaking the lock. He burst in to find the cat bent over wads of paper drenched in aftershave, cradling his bleeding hand. He knelt and grabbed the first aid kit from the cupboard under the sink, pulling out gauze and putting it over Kyou's wound, applying pressure. The cat avoided looking at him. "What were you doing, Kyou?"
"It was an accident," he whispered, leaning away from the ox.
"You...you weren't trying to...were you?" Hatsuharu asked gently, images of Kyou's wrists bleeding in his head.
The cat yanked his hand away with a hiss of pain, holding it against his body and curling over it. "I'm not my mother," he whispered hoarsely, trying to hunch further away.
The black and white-haired boy immediately regretted his choice of words. "Kyou, I didn't mean it like that. You just scared me. I woke up to take a shower and when you wouldn't answer me..."
Kyou felt the despair well up in him. "Don't you think I would have killed myself if I could by now?" The ox's eyes widened. "But I can't. I can't because then someone else will be born like me. Be born inhuman. What if Tohru's child became the Cat? I could never forgive myself."
Hatsuharu felt a wave of desperation, his heart going out to his cousin. "You're not a monster, Kyou; you're human. You're a better person than you think you are." The cat sobbed once before standing, refusing to look at his cousin.
"Take your shower, Haru," he said softly, walking out of the bathroom.
Hatsuharu toed off his shoes in his foyer, running his hands through his hair. He shrugged out of his business jacket and undid his tie, tossing them on the floor carelessly. Kyou was shut up in his room again, refusing to come out for the second day after the bathroom incident.
The ox was glad it was Friday: he had time now to try to deal with the cat full-on. He now felt that he had to bring someone else from the family in; he couldn't do this by himself. He was about to head into the kitchen to make something to eat when the doorbell rang. With a sigh he turned back around and answered the door.
Yuki stood before him, a plastic bag with a crockery piece inside it in his hands. The grey-haired boy hefted it. "Tohru wanted me to bring you by something to eat. She said she was worried that you were just eating your 'bachelor food' and wanted me to invite you to dinner tomorrow."
Hatsuharu gave a strained smile, thoughts racing as he hoped Yuki wouldn't want to be let inside the apartment. "Ah, thank you. I'm not sure about Saturday."
The rat raised a brow. "Oh, come on, Haru. You haven't been over in a couple of weeks and Tohru has been bugging me to get you to come over. The baby has been kicking and she wants you to feel it." He smiled.
"Ah, well I..."
Kyou froze like a deer under a tiger's stare at the sound of another male voice rumbling through the wall. His heart sped up at the thought. Of course Haru would have lovers, he thought to himself. Of course he wouldn't think about you, locked away like some pathetic creature. There was nothing beautiful or good about the Cat.
His heart clenched painfully as he turned the knob on the door without thinking. He had to see who the ox had at his door.
"Haru, what's wrong with you? You've never been one to stutter. Do you have a date suddenly after all these years?" Yuki teased gently, his sense of humor much more relaxed since he and Tohru had been together.
"I..."
Suddenly the rat looked around the corner, catching movement inside the apartment. Yuki's eyes widened, the glass dishware that held the food crashing to the ground. " Oh my god...Kyou..."