Title: Gone Away
Author: Keir
Rating: R for swearing, violence, sexual situations (Please be aware the rating has changed!)
The Gist of Things: Kyou loves Haru, but will the ox realize it in time?
A/N: I'm sorry that an update for this was almost a year in the making. Life still seems to be busy, busy, busy even though I'm now out of school. I spent copious amounts of time writing and rewriting this chapter, and then endlessly, obsessively editing it. I hope that it suits everyone. This chapter I'd like to dedicate to Prophe-De-Esperenza and all those who stick with me when I'm annoying and don't update nearly often enough.
/ around text means flashback
"Kyou!" Before the cat could move an inch, the rat had flung arms wide around his thin frame, face buried in his neck. "Oh, Kyou." Yuki's strong hands grasped the other's shoulders as he took a step back. Violet eyes surveyed his cousin critically. "You look ill; we should get you to Hatori. And what happened to your hair? Tohru will be so elated to see you. But never mind that; how did you get here?"
The cat tensed, senses going wild. No one had come into full contact with his body in years; the small hairs on his body felt ready to crawl out of his skin. The rat's warmth breath coursing over his neck made him shudder. He had expected something else, someone else—he didn't know exactly what he thought would happen when he went to find out who the stranger at the front door was.
The orange-haired man shot the ox a desperate look, feeling overwhelmed. "We can't tell anyone that Kyou's here, Yuki. Not even Tohru." The rat frowned, ready to object. He was rarely out of the element of control and it seemed to confuse him. Hatsuharu shrugged at his petulant look. "Kyou insists."
"I'm not supposed to be here," Kyou said roughly. "Hatori let me go. I shouldn't be here."
That only seemed to make Yuki more upset and belligerent. "If Hatori released you, he should have taken care of you," he fretted, then sighed. "I'm glad to see you're all right. We were all so worried that you had…" The rat paused, unwilling to speak whatever idea had been lurking in his mind.
The cat looked over at the ox again. Hatsuharu's eyes were as unreadable as ever, his gentle face placid. Yet there was some unexplained, tumultuous feeling rolling off him in waves, making the cat nervous. Grey eyes seemed to be studying him steadily as if he were an animal whose strange behavior needed to be examined. The look shifted toward the rat, that same clinical stare…
Kyou realized with sudden clarity, as if someone had reached into his chest and squeezed his heart, that Hatsuharu still probably believed that he was in love with Yuki. He turned his eyes away in shame, his hands pushing the rat's away. "Don't worry; Tohru's child won't be the Cat."
Yuki stepped back, looking as if he had been slapped. "That's not—"
The cat snarled faintly; it lacked the force it used to have. "I know what fear looks like. I've been around it since I was little."
Yuki refused to back down. "That's not what I meant, Kyou," he said calmly.
"Maybe not, but I know you've thought about it." The orange-haired man clenched his jaw; he looked haggard, tired. "Tohru might not care, but I know you worried about it."
The rat sighed and scowled. "Tohru is carefree. I prefer to think about all possibilities."
Kyou wanted nothing more at that moment than to be away from that scrutinizing stare from grey eyes. He couldn't even concentrate on the scathing words Yuki had for him. "Haru told me about the lie you told Tohru. I'm going to write her a letter, pretend I'm somewhere else. It will put her mind at ease." The cat turned away, headed for the bedroom. He paused. "And don't worry; there's only room for one monster in this family."
Yuki stood silent for a moment. "What happened to him?"
"The effects of being locked away, I imagine. I'm not sure what happened to him. Not exactly." Hatsuharu went to put his hands in his pockets when he realized he was still holding the bag filled with broken crockery. "I was hoping that seeing you would kickstart him." The ox pondered the hunched and submissive body language Kyou had displayed with Yuki while staring at his ruined meal.
Yuki raised a brow. "What?"
"Since you were rivals. I thought maybe it would snap him out of it, but it appears not…" Hatsuharu shrugged. "Maybe you should call Tohru, let her know you'll be late. I'll tell you everything I know."
Yuki continued to visit every other day and Kyou remained just as reticent. Every night the cat swore to himself that this would be the day he left, yet he never took one step over the threshold of the front door.
He hated himself even more for being a coward.
The ox had found someone to do a proper job of the cat's haircut, claiming that the orange-haired man was too ill to leave the apartment. The service finally agreed to come to him and it cost a fortune as haircuts went, but Kyou finally looked like he had the day he disappeared.
He still refused to eat much, however, claiming that after only a few spoonfuls of soup or a few mouthfuls of rice that he was going to be sick. Hatsuharu grew worried that instead of filling out, the cat maintained the same unhealthy weight. There was nothing he could do; the cat had no fire left but his stubbornness, and he remained willful to a fault.
Three weeks after Yuki had discovered his presence, Kyou lay awake at night with his eyes on the ceiling. He still could not bring himself to sleep in the bed. Hatsuharu's bed.
His fingers clenched tightly over his belly at that thought. Hatsuharu's. He caught the ox's scent everywhere. It haunted him, that distinct smell of aftershave and mousse, breathmints and clean linen. Now he could not fall asleep, refused to; he could feel that dream hovering at the edge of his consciousness. Lately it had morphed into a terrible nightmare, a constant, shifting horror. Each night was different in its own torturous way; his mind seemed determined to conjure up new terrors.
He felt his body respond, though, despite it all. He stared helplessly at the ceiling, fingers tightening in the cloth of his shirt. How pathetic to still dream, to still hope. Hatsuharu always watched his interactions with Yuki now, grey eyes following incessantly, as if he expected Kyou to break down and confess to a love that didn't exist. He wished Yuki would stop coming; the stares from Haru were becoming unbearable.
Kyou felt the shame of his body at the thought of those grey eyes, almost shut his own before remembering what he would see beneath his closed lids. A hand strayed downward as he kept his eyes staring straight up.
He promised himself just this once.
It was over in seconds; he couldn't recall the last time he had touched himself. He felt no relief from it, only an empty, cold pit burning in his stomach. He could smell Hatsuharu's cologne.
Standing shakily, the cat made his way into the living room, eyes regarding the sleeping ox on the couch. The other man stirred restlessly and Kyou fled into the bathroom. Now he could smell Hatsuharu's body wash. His fingers clenched in the material of his clothes as he stripped himself and stepped into the shower. The scent was mocking him, taunting him. He rested his temple against the cool shower tiles.
The doorknob turned. The sleepy ox, unthinking of what he might be walking in on, opened the door and took a few shuffling steps. He blinked owlishly in the light. "Kyou, what are you doing?" He might have been sleepy, but he was well aware of the late hour.
Kyou whirled around, eyes wide and startled, his frantically panicking brain trying to catch up with the moment. "Get out!" he shouted, hands grasping for something to cover his exposed body with.
Hatsuharu stared at the cat's naked backside, his mind lurching into awareness. At least ten long scars ran the length of the orange-haired man's back from shoulder to buttocks. Each one stood out white and puckered like trails of rain down a windowpane.
The cat spun around, desperately searching for a way to hide, and lost his balance. His hands flailed as he fell backward into the tub. His shoulder throbbed as it slammed into the unforgiving tiles, but it wasn't enough to distract him from his terror. The ox started forward and stopped just as suddenly as the cat struggled to move farther away. "Get out," Kyou repeated weakly as he covered himself with his hands.
"What happened?" Hatsuharu asked softly.
Kyou had no illusions as to what the ox was asking about. "Akito." He tried to bring his legs in closer to his chest. "It happened a long time ago."
Hatsuharu watched the cat for any sign of fear and moved quietly to drape a towel over the orange-haired man. Kyou remained still. "I'm sorry," Hatsuharu said softly.
"It doesn't have anything to do with you." The cat grasped the edges of the towel with white knuckles. "I've known what would happen to me all my life."
"Not like that. No Cat has been treated like that before." The silence stretched awkwardly. "Does it hurt?"
"What kind of question is that?" the cat hissed, furious crimson eyes boldly meeting calm grey.
"An honest one." That scrutinizing look scanned the cat.
Crimson eyes finally glanced away. Kyou scowled. "Sometimes they bother me. The skin didn't grow back right; it pulls…" He swallowed. Memories he didn't want to relive tried to claw their way to the surface. "I'd like to take a shower now. Get out."
Hatsuharu nodded and gave the cat on more once-over before taking his leave. He shut the door softly behind himself. The sound of running water soon drifted through the wood. The ox blinked as the sudden mental image of Kyou's naked backside as he stood in the shower flooded his mind. The scars had been a sight that had taken him aback, but the skin below had been flawless and beautiful; the curve of Kyou's buttocks had been perfect. The way the scars marred the flesh only seemed to make it more fascinating in a desirable way.
A pale hand strayed to the front of the ox's sleep pants, fingers brushing the sensitive hardness beneath. Hatsuharu contemplated his physical reaction to the cat. How odd that he would respond in such a way, and to Kyou of all people. The memory of kissing the other man beside the pond rose to the surface. The lips beneath his had been pleasant. It had been…curious. Innocent and sweet. And unresponsive on the other teen's part.
Perhaps it was just the fact that Kyou was the Cat that spurred such interest. A forbidden love type, as Ayame would say. It was definitely not a convenient time to find himself curious over the Cat.
Hatsuharu's hand lingered a little longer than he thought it ought to, and that wasn't so curious. It had been some time since he had really taken a moment to listen to his body. He sighed and moved away from the bathroom door, curling back under the blankets on the sofa. The sound of running water lulled him back to sleep.
Yuki exhaled an irritable sigh for the third time. The eyes staring a hole in his back were getting tedious to put up with quietly. "What is it now, Kyou?"
"You're not shifting the vegetables fast enough. It's going to burn."
Kyou kept staring in his disquieting way and the rat was far beyond the limit of his patience. "Then you cook," Yuki said, abandoning the pan on the burner. The cat moved to take over without complaint, eyes now focused on the meal.
The rat sighed as he took a seat at the small kitchen table next to Hatsuharu. Kyou never seemed to interact with either him or the ox, just mindlessly doing chores around the house. Even now the cat just stared at the pan as he cooked. The rat looked at his younger cousin; he could see the strain this lifestyle was having on the ox. Worry lines and wrinkled clothing and a contemplative tug at the corner of his mouth.
"He'll be all right," Hatsuharu said, interrupting Yuki's thoughts.
"You still believe that?"
"Kyou always bounces back," the ox asserted and the rat couldn't bring himself to dash the other's hopes. To him the cat was emotionally stunted and the situation of his recovery seemed impossible. Kyou would be much better off in someone else's more capable hands; the ox was in over his head.
Yuki switched to the topic of Tohru, which always seemed to brighten the conversation. She seemed more radiant than ever and had been overcome with excitement when she received a letter from Kyou the other day—Yuki had managed to hide the envelope, whose stamp and post date had marked it as coming from Japan. The rat hadn't been able to bring himself to share in her joy, not when he had seen how passionless the cat's face had been as he wrote that very same letter. "Her happiness has sent the baby into all sorts of kicking fits. She insists you visit soon."
"I will. I—" They were interrupted when the doorbell rang. Hatsuharu stood, supposing it was a neighbour, perhaps the divorcee across the hall needed him to watch her apartment again…
He never could have imagined who could really be on the other side of the door.
"Haru." That indolent smile. "May I come in?"
"Shigure." The ox stared at the unexpected guest on his doorstep, his face going neutral into that familiar mask. He had never really liked surprises, and this definitely counted as one. The dog had never visited his home before.
"Haru." Shigure changed to a self-deprecating smile. "I know this is unusual…"
"A bit," the ox agreed, still blocking the doorway.
"I came to see Kyou. Hatori told me he was here."
Hatsuharu stared for a moment, weighing the options. If he just shut the door, it would be rude, but Shigure must have his own motives and Kyou was in a fragile state. On the other hand, perhaps seeing another of the Juunishi coming to visit him would help the cat regain some of himself. He grudgingly moved aside. "Kyou isn't like himself," he cautioned, and that was all he would say on the matter. The dog nodded acknowledgement to the words and headed inside.
Kyou tensed as he heard that familiar voice. He was praying that Hatsuharu would turn the visitor away, but the ox let him in. He just let him in. The cat's heartbeat tripped; he tried to control his breathing but it was useless. His hands shook when he heard the footsteps come into the living room one by one, and then they stopped. He was so close, just mere feet away.
"Kyou."
The cat's fingers wrapped around the handle of the closest knife. There was no way to hide. He was exposed.
"Kyou…"
The cat's whole body shivered. He feared he would drop the knife.
Shigure thought to call out his name again but paused. Yuki had not moved an inch since the dog had entered the room; his eyes stared cautiously. "Hatori told me he released you." The dog sensed the tension in the room, glanced at the serious faces then back to Kyou's back. "I'm sure that you've been worrying about your freedom. I wanted to let you know that Akito won't realize you're gone. She's dying."
The dog sounded edgy to the rat, almost nervous. Yuki glanced at Hatsuharu but blank grey eyes gave nothing away. Whatever response Shigure expected from Kyou, it seemed to go unanswered. The redhead hadn't even bothered to turn around.
"Kyou, I wanted to tell you…" The dog's sentence trailed off as the cat slowly turned around. His head was down, bangs hiding his eyes. Yuki glanced sharply between the two men. Something was wrong; Shigure was edgy, something the rat had never seen, and something about the cat seemed so…bleak.
"I…" Kyou paused, his body beginning to shake. Hatsuharu started forward, afraid the cat was going to collapse.
Yuki's eyes widened as he noted the worry in the ox's eyes, the body language. It was something he had never noticed before. It was like he was finally seeing the missing puzzle piece clearly for the first time. He shook off his distraction as Hatsuharu stopped in his tracks.
Kyou had finally looked up; the fury in crimson eyes took the rat's breath away. He had the feeling that the others were pinned to the spot just as he was. "I'll kill you!" Kyou snarled, his voice almost inhuman. The knife was a silver blur in his hand as he charged forward with deadly intent.
Yuki was too shocked to move, but Hatsuharu's muscles responded almost immediately. If the ox hadn't stepped forward earlier, the dog would probably be dead. As it was, Hatsuharu's body hit Kyou's mid-charge. Shigure cried out. The next instant Yuki was by the ox's side, twisting Kyou's wrist painfully until he dropped the knife. The rat immediately went for an arm lock. The cat strained against it, despite the knowledge that it could snap the bone.
Hatsuharu focused on Shigure now that he knew Kyou was under control. The dog's hand was pressed against a wound on his left arm. Shigure hissed in a breath as the ox tried to examine it; the slice was relatively shallow and minor compared to what it could have been, but the bleeding was profuse. Most likely Shigure would need stitches.
"Did you think I wouldn't find out?" the cat hissed, pushed to his knees by the painful hold on his arm. "Akito made sure I knew. Every month she made sure I knew!"
"Yes, I told Akito," the dog said, still cradling his arm.
"Told Akito what?" Hatsuharu's stare was far from impartial now.
Shigure's eyes never left Kyou's. "I told Akito that Kyou was in love with Yuki."
The rat's eyes widened, his body tensing. He almost let go of the cat in shock. He looked to Kyou for confirmation but was ignored. Ruby eyes remained fixated on the traitor. "You told her what?" the cat snarled.
"I was there the day Haru spoke to you about your feelings for Yuki. You became angry with him, pushed him into the pond." Shigure hissed in pain as Hatsuharu pressed the dog's own torn sleeve hard against the wound. The ox's jaw was clenched tightly.
"Is that true, Kyou?" Yuki asked, having finally found his voice.
The cat ignored the rat's question. "So you betrayed me to her! What did you think, that she'd pat you on the head, feed you a biscuit? You said you would harbor me in your house and then you betrayed me!"
The dog's fingers tightened over his wound. "I thought that if I showed Akito that you had the compassion to love, that she would finally see you weren't a monster. If we worked together, we could break the curse."
Kyou roared with fury. He tried to stand, fighting Yuki's grip. The rat was forced to change holds or break the orange-haired man's arm. "There's no excuse for what you did to me. Three years of my life! I rotted in a cage because of you!" Kyou snarled. "And for what? For Yuki? I still had time. I could have beat him!" He continued to struggle against the pain of the pressure point hold the rat had on him.
"If I had known this would happen to you, Kyou…"
"Don't suck up to me," the cat spat.
"I didn't know you felt that way about me either, Kyou," said Yuki.
The cat turned baleful eyes on the rat. "I don't feel anything for you but hatred."
"Kyou," Hatsuharu admonished softly.
The cat couldn't control himself. "I never loved the fucking rat! I loved someone else!" As soon as the words left his mouth, his body stiffened. Kyou was horrified by what he had let slip. His eyes shot quickly to the ox's passive face before dropping to stare at the ground. "Get out, Shigure. And don't come back. If I see you again, I'll kill you."
Shigure nodded and got to his feet. Hatsuharu stood with him, escorted him to the door. Yuki met them soon after. "I'll make sure Shigure gets the medical attention he needs." Hatsuharu said nothing, ignoring Yuki's stare, and shut the door after them. He returned to the living room where Kyou had remained kneeling on the floor.
"Kyou." The cat looked pitiful, his shaking arms holding his torso up.
"He took everything from me, Haru. Don't give me any of your fucking advice. I don't need it." The cat tried to find the strength to stand but his limbs were shaking too badly. It was humiliating being powerless in front of the ox. It was just like his dreams.
Hatsuharu moved to help the cat up but he was waved away. He stood helplessly as Kyou struggled to his feet; he kept his face neutral, trying not to antagonize the other man any further. Kyou's haggard breath filled the silence. Finally the cat reached the doorway to the bedroom, one arm bracing himself against the doorframe. Tremors still shook his body.
"Kyou." The cat looked back the ox, eyes wide with pain and sorrow. "Who did you love if it wasn't Yuki?"
Kyou swallowed a sob and turned away. "Tell Yuki not to come any more."
The door shut firmly between them.
I'm busy considering what I should really get updated next. I'm thinking a new chapter to "Million Little Pieces" as it's my most read/watched/enjoyed fanfic at the moment. But if anyone has differing opinions they can feel free to badger me with them. :D Always open to comments/suggestions/criticism/requests, as usual! :)
(Also, Pink Panther, heeeee! X3)