Ember Island
Chapter 3
"It can help you understand yourselves…"
Azula set out at the beach, the sun bathing her body in its glow. Ty Lee had fallen asleep on the towel beside hers some time ago. Even though it appeared as if they were alone, they weren't – Azula could feel the ever present guards watching them. They weren't in the line of her sight but that didn't matter, they were still there. Before when she was younger there were guards everywhere and they never seemed to bother her. These guards did, and for once she would like to have a little privacy. She wasn't really sure why she wanted that, she just did and she was use to getting what she wanted. Though she guessed this would be something she would not get.
With a sigh, she looked out into the water. Une had run off towards it, a homemade spear in hand, like a kid in a candy store the instant they got there and hadn't been seen since. Azula wasn't worried, and neither was Ty Lee considering she was sleeping. She had been going to her sessions with Une for about two months now and she didn't feel much better. Of course she didn't think there was anything really wrong with her either. In one of the sessions she had informed her doctor about how useless she found these sessions and that she didn't feel any different. The doctor had looked at her for a beat, her cerulean eyes bearing into her like an iron so hot it felt cold. The words that left her mouth had surprised Azula. "That's because we don't talk about anything personal to you. I let you lead these sessions, because I want to hear about what you want to talk about. If you want to be a better person we'd have to dissolve your entire personality, find the root of all your problems and dissect them."
"How long would that take?" Azula answered.
"It could take years." Une answered honestly. "Is that what you want to do?"
The princess hesitated and sighed. She promised not to lie to her doctor, even though giving her word never stopped her from breaking her promises. "Look, I know I have flaws, more than most. And I don't care what other people think about me. I'll always be that cruel calculating woman that everyone knows me to be. When I walk by, even though the guards know I can't bend very well, if I just look at them I can make them cower. Nothing will change that."
Une nodded, pressing her fingers together. "But that's not all you have to be." She said simply.
"Elaborate." Azula demanded.
The doctor paused. "It's true, that most see you as that young woman, the one who strikes fear in the hearts of her enemies and her allies. Hell, even your own brother and uncle feel this way about you. You are a dangerous person, no one denies that. There are a few who see you as an icon, a hero of the Fire Nation…"
Azula waved the comment off, setting back in her seat. "Those are people who don't know me, who've never seen me except in demonstrations and celebrations."
"You misunderstand." Une replied, "I wasn't clear and I'm sorry of that. Those people see you as the same person your brother sees you as, but they adore you because of what you stand for. And though they do, you are still a war monger. But there is one who sees the person you could be. Who can see the compassion you hide so well, the person you are deep down inside that you try to hide behind barriers of dark sarcasm, control, and hatred."
"Who?" Azula demanded, though she had a fairly good idea who she was talking about, but she had to be sure.
Une wasn't forthcoming with the name and continued as though Azula hadn't spoken at all. "You could be that person for her, if no one else. But that's only if you want to."
The princess set back in her seat, thinking over what Une had said. "Okay." Azula finally agreed, sure that she could change for the one person who saw her for what she could be and accepted her for what she was.
That had been a week ago. She had only been through two sessions since then. The first had started out with her earliest memories. Most of those were happier memories, even though she still beat up on her older though he did the same to her as well – just not as well. They stopped the session when Azula turned five and that's where they started off on the second session. Unlike the first session where Une barely said three words the second was riddled with questions.
Azula started her Firebending training when she was five and it was hard and rigorous. Une had inquired if she enjoyed it. The princess hesitated, almost answering automatically that she didn't mind it. Instead she confessed that she didn't mind most of it; when she was forced to train for hours, skipping meals and going to sleep in the wee hours of the morning only to get up a few hours later was something she could have lived without. Une nodded and then asked, "Why did you do it, then?"
"I didn't have a choice." Azula answered.
"I believe you think that and I know that some habits are hard to quit, but when you got older and were training by yourself why did you continue this routine?" The convalescent hesitated, unable to come up with a good reason why she continued. Une smiled. "You think about it and let me know what you come up with next session."
And that's what she had been thinking about for the past day and right now. Her mind wondered to that question. She was sure she knew the answer, it had taken her a lot of writing in her diary to finally come up with it. "Rise and shine princess." Was the only warning she got before a gallon of water was poured on her.
"What the fuck!" Azula yelled, sitting up quickly and growling at her doctor, who stood there with a slight smirk on her face. "I wasn't sleeping!"
"No," Une answered picking up the spear from its place protruding from the ground and pulled a net that held a fish at least ten feet long. "But your girlfriend is. Wake her up or turn her over, she's going to have severe sunburn if you don't."
"She's not my girlfriend." Azula denied quickly. "And what the hell are you doing with that fish?"
"I suppose that's why you make out with her as often as you do. We should probably talk about this odd form of denial you're under. You could have a problem with commitment. And I'm going to cook it, Eastern Water Tribe style."
"I don't have commitment problems. I am a very committed person." Azula argued.
"True." Une agreed. "But you are not committed with people, like her for example. You have no problem making out with her but you don't have the nerve to call her your girlfriend. Notably, I don't believe you've had any experience with that form of commitment. We'll talk about this later if you want. I'm going to cook this. Now wake her up or turn her over."
Before Azula could even respond Une walked off, dragging the fish like it didn't weigh a hundred pounds. She really hated that that woman could make her speechless so easily. "Ty Lee." Azula called lightly. The acrobat groaned but didn't wake, making Azula growl. "Ty Lee!" Again the acrobat did not stir. Azula sighed and crawled over to the younger woman, placing a hand on Ty Lee's shoulder, "Ty Lee." She whispered in the acrobat's ear, shaking her lightly. "Come on Ty, wake up." The acrobat mumbled and smiled. "Ty Lee, baby,"
The acrobat smiled wider, giggling as she opened her eyes slightly. "I really like it when you call me that," She admitted as she stretched. "Did you need something?"
"No." Azula answered, lying back on the towel. "Une informed me that you needed to turn over or you'll have severe sun burn."
"Oh." Ty Lee stated, "So she came back?" The acrobat asked as she turned over onto her stomach, reaching back to untie the laces of her bikini – keenly aware of her princess' eyes on her as she was doing so.
"Yes." Azula answered. "She managed to somehow catch a huge fish and is now cooking it."
"Huge how?" Ty Lee asked, laying her head in her crossed arms.
Azula paused for a moment. "About ten feet, I guess."
"Wow!" Ty Lee remarked, clearly impressed. "And she only had a spear."
"It appeared that way." Azula remarked, closing her eyes and soaking in the rays of the sun.
"So, she's cooking dinner tonight. That's good." There was silence for a while and it seemed that the acrobat had fallen back to sleep. "Did you ever find out where the Eastern Water Tribe is?"
"She made it up." Azula lied, because the truth would have sounded crazy.
"Are you lying to me?" Ty Lee sing-songed, catching the princess off guard slightly.
When Azula didn't answer Ty Lee stood, quickly tying her top back on. "Where are you going?" The princess inquired, standing when Ty Lee only giggled. "Ty Lee." she warned.
"I'm going to ask the source." Ty Lee called in a giggle, grabbing her towel and running off towards the mansion.
Azula followed quickly after, leaving her towel at the beach – the guards or someone would get it. Ty Lee crashed into the kitchen all smiles with Azula following closely after her. "Une!" The acrobat called, only slightly out of breath as she propped herself against the counter.
"Ty Lee." the doctor remarked, pulling the spine out of the fish and disposing of it.
"That was gross." Ty Lee replied, temporally distracted as the older woman pulled the ribs and other large bones out of the fish.
Une laughed, "You've never cooked a fish before have you?"
"I have." Ty Lee argued, indignant.
"Really. Then I suppose you didn't cook it properly." Une noted and Ty Lee turned to Azula.
"It was okay." Azula answered, only slightly lying.
They were nomadic in the Earth Kingdom, Azula didn't except anything great from her acrobatic friend. In fact she was surprised that Ty Lee even knew how to cook. "Azula," Ty Lee whined playfully, getting Azula and Une to chuckle.
The princess chose to ignore the acrobat. "I'm surprised that you know how to cook."
Une actually stopped everything she was doing to look at Azula as if she had two heads. "Why does that surprise you?"
The princess shrugged. "I just assumed that since you said you were the ruler of the Eastern Water Tribe that you would have all the perks that go with that status. Agni knows I can't cook."
The princess shrugged. "I just assumed that since you said you were the ruler of the Eastern Water Tribe that you would have all the perks that go with that status. Agni knows I can't cook."
"You're the ruler of the Eastern Water tribe?" Ty Lee inquired.
Une continued her task, taking a knife and cutting the large fish into smaller pieces. She smiled at the acrobat. "I am." Une agreed. "And it's a tradition to know how to cook fish in my tribe, Azula."
"Where is your tribe?" Ty Lee asked, leaning against the counter but making sure to keep away from the mess of the fish.
"Didn't Azula tell you?" Une asked, taking a slab of fish and rubbing a bunch of seasoning into it that neither recognized, before tossing it over her shoulder into a pan on the stove.
"She said you made it up." The acrobat answered with a smile, amazed at the precision the doctor had.
Une looked over to Azula who didn't so much as flinch, then back to Ty Lee. "Well, that's probably because if she told you she would have sounded crazy."
"Oh, then I don't want to know." Ty Lee remarked. "So, weren't you guys suppose to have a session today? It's every other day right?"
The doctor looked at Azula then back at her fish. "We decided to change it to tomorrow." The pale woman answered.
"Why?" Ty Lee inquired.
Une remained silent. "She can't tell you." Azula remarked. "She has a very strict doctor-patient confidentiality clause."
"Ooh, I bet Zuko doesn't like that." Ty Lee smiled, resting her head in the palms of her hand. Une smiled and nodded. The acrobat turned to her princess. "Since she can't tell me, can you?"
Azula sighed. "It's none of your concern."
Ty Lee pouted and Azula effectively ignored her. Une watched the exchange passively, shaking her head. Her patient and Ty Lee couldn't have been more different. But that difference was exactly what Azula needed.
~x~
The moon was high when everything had settled down. Une set at the bay windows and though her back was facing the windows she could feel the moon's full force. The doctor watched Azula and Ty Lee. The acrobat had fallen asleep almost instantly after eating, continuing to compliment the meal even in her sleep. Her head rest comfortably in Azula's lap, with the princess' hand running through her unbound hair. Une was actually surprised at how long her hair was. She was sure Azula didn't know it, but there was a soft smile on the princess' face, a smile that would widen every time the younger woman would mumble.
"Azula," Une called, the smile on the younger woman's face instantly vanishing, as Une moved to the armchair beside the couch the princess set in. "I know we agreed that we'd continue our session tomorrow but I get the impression that you know the answer to the question I asked."
Azula nodded, her hand running through brown hair. She sighed heavily before answering, "I had to." she said simply, earning a lifted eyebrow from her doctor, "I know that's not the answer you wanted to hear. But it's true. I had to. I had to be the best; I had to be better than anyone else."
"Why?" Une asked, honestly wanting to know.
Again, Azula sighed, checking to make sure Ty Lee was really asleep. "I was lead to believe that if I wasn't the best I wouldn't be wanted or..."
"Or?" Une prompted but Azula remained silent. Her golden eyes met cerulean, portraying what she refused to say with words. Une chuckled, "It's alright. As long as you know. If you don't mind, though, what lead you to believe that if you failed you wouldn't be wanted or loved?"
Azula actually chuckled. "My mother never loved me; she thought I was monster. All I had was my father and he made it very clear what he thought of my brother for being a failure. Why wouldn't that apply to me if he thought I was a failure? So I had to be the best, I had to meet all of his expectations because if I failed I didn't have a mother to cry to. All I would get if I failed were harsh words and severe punishment."
Une nodded and sighed. "I'm not suppose to tell you this, you're suppose to find out for yourself but you know that that's not true, right?"
"Which part?" Azula nearly chuckled. "Are you going to tell me that I could have gone to my mother, that she probably actually loved me?"
The doctor smiled, touching the tips of her fingers together. "Not at all." Une announced. "I don't know your mother. She may have thought that about you. But you have to know that you are not a monster. You haven't seen a monster if you think you are one. You are difficult and cunning and tend to see most people as more of pawns than actual people but that does not make you a monster."
"People would argue that point." Azula pointed out.
"I'm sure they would." Une said but Azula continued.
"I've killed a lot of people."
"Have you?" Une countered. "You were a part of that war for only a short while and while the things you did were amazing, you only killed one person and he's still around today."
"Yes but…"
"When you took over Ba Sing Se how many people died?" Azula didn't answer. "None, it was a bloodless coup. More people died in every pervious attempt that was made on Ba Sing Se. And when you fought the Kyoshi warriors did any of them die? No."
Azula rolled her eyes. "It doesn't matter how you say it, I will still be a monster."
"I see, would you burn down an orphanage full of your countryman to strike fear in your enemy?"
Azula hesitated, even to her that sounded pointless and a waste of potential soldiers. "No, that would be a waste."
"A true monster would not hesitate to do anything that would make themselves look better. All they care about it the betterment of their person, their station, their power and nothing else – like your father." Azula was about to protest the defacement of her father but Une stopped her. "I have read Ozai's file. He is a monster and I will admit that you were well on your way to being just like him. But something happened to change that course."
"What?" Azula asked then rolled her eyes when Une refused to answer. "Just tell me."
The doctor sighed, "You were betrayed by the one constant in your life, the one person who defied everything you had ever been taught about people, and instead of accepting it and withdrawing into yourself to become a cold and heartless person you broke." Azula froze, looking down at the sleeping brunette, who mumbled happily. "Honestly, given your personality, I'm surprised you've forgiven her."
"I…I don't know that I have."
TBC.
A/N: Sorry for the shorter chapter.