The Long Goodbye

Chapter Two

Zebraboymom

Disclaimer: Not mine.

Author Notes: I hope everyone remembers that the great thing about fanfiction is that we can play out our fantasy for our characters, even if the stories don't follow the writers of the series. I hope folks who feel differently will allow those of us who are E/O shippers to write what we would love to see if things were different. If you aren't a shipper, there are lots of other stories for you to enjoy on this site. Thanks to all of you others out there for your interest and great reviews. Now on with the story.

Olivia returned from her fifth trip to the dumpster, started the dishwasher on its second load of dishes, tossed a load of clothes in the washing machine and closed the door to the laundry room. She poured every bottle of alcohol down the drain and then decided to call it a night. It was just after two in the morning.

She found a blanket in the hall closet and went into Elliot's bedroom to steal a pillow. She stood beside his bed for a few minutes studying his face in the light that spilled in from the street. He looked older. There was tension even in his sleep. Her eyes traced his strong jaw and she found herself wanting to smooth the deep lines in his forehead. He didn't even look like he was resting. It made her choke up a bit, so she quickly fled to the living room and settled on the couch. She had no idea what tomorrow would hold, but no matter what she would be there. Exhaustion caught up with her and she drifted into a fitful sleep of her own. It was still dark out when she heard the tortured voice of her partner calling out from the bedroom.

"Jenna, no! Please put the gun down Honey. No! Liv! Oh my God no! Liv!"

Olivia was off the couch and in Elliot's room instantly. He was thrashing around in the bed and she wasn't sure how to wake him. She began to call to him as she approached, but he was still asleep.

"Elliot. Elliot."

She reached for him just as he rose up in the bed and he caught her across the face with his elbow. As she fell to the floor she cried out in surprise and he woke up.

"Liv?"

"I'm okay El. I'm okay."

He was out of the bed and on the floor next to her pulling her to her feet and sitting her on the bed. He went into the bathroom and returned with a cool cloth. Liv had a nosebleed and she pinched the bridge in an attempt to stop the blood flow. She could see the panic in Elliot's eyes as he saw what he'd done. He sat on the edge of he bed next to her and hung his head. His head was still swimming with alcohol, but a huge headache was setting in and he felt like he wanted to crawl into a hole and die. The bleeding stopped eventually and Elliot brought her a warm washcloth this time so she could clean up the blood. He handed it to her and then sat watching her clean her face. When she was done, he reached a tentative hand out to grasp her chin and look at her nose. She pulled away and tried to lighten the moment.

"Don't worry. It's not broken."

"Liv, I am so sorry."

"It's okay El. I should have stayed back. I should know by now you always come out swinging."

Elliot winced and held his head. Olivia stood up and went into the kitchen. She saw the look on his face as he wrestled with whether or not to follow her. When she came back into his room with aspirin and a bottle of water he hadn't moved from his spot. He was sitting with his arms resting on his thighs and his head in his hands. She held the pills down in his field of vision and he looked up at her gratefully. He took them silently and then casts a furtive look at her.

"Come on. Get back in bed. It's still a long time until morning."

He surprised her by obeying, crawling back under the covers and settling again. She sat on the edge of the bed and looked at him. He tried to look her in the eye, but he failed miserably and settled on a spot on the wall behind her.

"I'll see you in the morning, okay?"

He nodded and closed his eyes. She couldn't help tucking the covers around him and when she did he open his again and finally looked at her.

"Liv…I…"

"Shhh. We can talk tomorrow, okay? Sleep."

As she walked out of the room he spoke one last time.

"Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"Why'd you come?"

"How could I not come El."

"I…"

"Rest. We'll talk tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?"

"I guess it actually today already. I'm staying El, so don't even try to argue with me. I'm as stubborn as you are."

"Okay."

She relaxed a bit. He hadn't said no.

"Good."

Liv couldn't believe he hadn't fought her more. She felt a spark of hope growing in her heart. She could get him back. She just knew it.

She must have been exhausted because she didn't wake up until almost ten o'clock the next morning. She hopped up, grabbed her go bag and popped her head in Elliot's room. He was still sound asleep. Thankfully there hadn't been any repeat performance of the nightmares. She studied him as she crossed to the bathroom. He was spread out on the bed on his stomach. The sheet had slipped down and his broad back was bare. He had such strength physically and had always seemed so strong that it was hard to think about him getting so lost, but then she couldn't even begin to imagine what killing a child would do to you. Perps were one thing, but a grieving kid was something else entirely. She had always known that some day there would be a case that would send one or both of them over the edge. She had her own nightmares about that day. She quickly showered and dressed in comfortable jeans and a soft t-shirt. As she crossed through Elliot's room she noticed he had moved. He was lying on his back with his arm across his eyes again. The other arm lay outstretched on the bed. He was awake. She knew he was. He just couldn't face her. When she got to the door to his room she turned to find him watching her from under his arm.

"I know you're awake, I know you have to be hungry and we are going to talk, so get your butt out of bed, get a shower and for God's sake shave. You look like Grizzly Adams."

She saw just the hint of a smile and her heart jumped a little as she made her way to the kitchen to make pancakes.

Thirty minutes later a new man emerged from Elliot's bedroom and sat at the kitchen table watching her. He had never seen her being domestic before and he quite liked it. He was impressed. She had made pancakes and was mixing frozen orange juice. He didn't want to tell her he used the juice to mix drinks. Just having her in the same room with him warmed him completely. He hadn't felt this way in a long time. That confidence she always exuded created a familiar feeling he had missed. She handed him a generous stack of pancakes and a large glass of juice.

"You look tons better. How's your stomach?"

"I'm not going to barf if that's what you're wondering."

"And he's back."

She grabbed her plate and sat across from him. They were both quiet for a long time. It felt like the day she had returned from Oregon and they sat in the coffee shop stealing glances at each other, not sure what to say. After several minutes Elliot spoke.

"So, why are you here?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

"But how'd you know?"

"Kathy brought a key by the precinct. She's worried about you."

"I'm surprised she had time what with "Jeff" and all."

"That woman loved you and gave you five beautiful children and you will not talk about her like that in front of me."

Elliot looked up to see the anger flashing in her chocolate brown eyes. She always had defended Kathy. He knew what he was like to live with so he understood their bond. She had kept his marriage together more than once when Kathy wanted to bail. Who wouldn't want to leave him? He was a selfish bastard. Kathy had been through enough with him. He was glad she was happy. No one could be happy around him, especially now. He hated himself and rightly so. He knew he couldn't let Liv get sucked in. he had to find a way to push her away before he hurt her worse than he already had.

"I can hear you thinking El, so stop it."

"What?"

"You are not going to push me away this time. You cut me out of your life once before and you aren't going to do it again. Are we clear?"

"Trust me Liv, you don't want to stay here."

"Elliot Stabler!"

Elliot lifted his eyes to meet hers. When she got angry there were these gold flecks that appeared in her iris. Right now there was an explosion of gold fireworks. She was really mad now. Good.

"Don't you think nine months is long enough to feel sorry for yourself? For God's sake El, you've got kids. Eli's third birthday is coming and he needs his dad there."

She knew she had hit pay dirt when he rose up over the table and leaned into her face.

"Go to hell Liv!"

He shoved the chair back and stomped off to his bedroom slamming the door behind him.

Mission accomplished. Anger was better than dead any day. She knew he still had some fight in him. She was counting on that. They both knew how to fight. If she had a nickel for every time Cragen had to separate them during their partnership, she'd be a rich woman right now. She heard Elliot's bedroom door open and he headed straight for the door with his gym bag. He glared at her once and threw open the front door.

"Don't be here when I get back!"

He slammed it behind him and she heard him jog down the hall and hit the stairs. She knew where he was going, so she calmly got up and did the dishes. He could go and pound it out on a punching bag for now. When he got back she would be right there.

She finished his laundry and stripped his bed down, vacuumed, dusted and finished returning his apartment to its original condition, but after four hours he still wasn't back. She started to worry and decided to call all three of their favorite bars. Thank God he wasn't at any of them. She thought about going to look for him, but who knows where he would go? She used to find him at Battery Park sometimes just staring out at the water when they had a really tough case, but she knew him well enough to know he wouldn't go where she could find him easily. She opted to wait him out. Two more torturous hours went by before he returned with a couple of bags of groceries. It was almost dinnertime.

He turned the key in the door and found her reading a book on the sofa. He didn't speak, but headed straight into the kitchen and started unloading the bags. Now he felt really stupid for his immature outburst. She came and sat quietly at the table watching him put things away. He pulled a roll of Toblerone Chocolate out of the bag. It was her favorite. He tossed it to her as a peace offering. She gave him that dazzling smile she always gave him when he did well. He felt like a puppy being given positive attention. Man was he pathetic. He finished the task and went to sit down across from her. She just sat there eating her chocolate and waiting for him to speak. He chose his words carefully.

"Liv, I know I'm a jerk."

"So do I."

She smirked at him. He couldn't help but grin a little, but immediately became sober again. He had to say what he had spent all afternoon practicing until he could say it without losing it again.

"After the way I treated you and the way I just…left you, I never expected you to come here like this. I'm asking you to let it go…to let me go."

Liv put the chocolate aside and folded her hands on the table. She pressed her thumbs together and tried to collect herself before she spoke. It wasn't working. She finally managed to choke it out.

"I can't."

"Why?"

"I think you know why."

She finally found the courage to lookup into those beautiful blue eyes. They were so tortured. Hers began to fill with tears and she could see the effect she was having on him as his own started to fill.

"Please El, don't make me go. I can't stand it again. I've tried to let you go for nine months now and it isn't working. I…don't …work…without you."

She was shaking by now and she knew if he pushed her away she was going to lose it in front of him. She had never done that with him ever. Ellliot had never seen her cry like that before and she did not want that to be his last memory of her.

"Please El. Please…"

She had never begged for anything in her life, but she was begging for this now. He was the only thing she cared about in this life. She dropped her head and tried to fight the tears when she felt his warm hand cover her trembling ones. He squeezed them both in his one large hand. It was quiet for a few minutes as she waited for him to answer. He finally did.

"Okay."