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BTW: I'm seriously looking for a beta. Maybe an experienced one. I've noticed so many grammar mistakes and many mixed details. Sometimes I am just too lazy to go back and double check. So a beta would be nice. Thanks guys!
Song: "Your Hand In Mine" - Explosions in the Sky
Everything clicks. It hits you with such a great, unforgiving force.
You cry. You cry your lungs out. And you have no right to.
But you do.
Because it hurts like hell. Because your guilt feels like its devouring you whole. Because another jolt of pain is rocking your body violently. Something you never imagined to feel on this trip back home.
Now that the girl in the photograph has a name, you can barely control yourself. Now that the girl has a name, she's even more real.
You should have known it was Marie. The signs were all there. The puzzle makes sense now that its been put together.
Marie...
Not only Daniela's beautiful and striking sister, but Marie, the women who lost her baby. Marie who spent 8 moths carrying something so precious that was proof of something so tangible as Jacobs devotion. Marie, the beautiful women who deserved Jacob.
You want to run. The muscles in your legs are begging to take you away from this place.
But as you look at the picture of the couple on the table, you realize your so done running.
You're so done with this confusion.
Because inside of you, you know that it was an adrenaline rush that brought you here to Forks.
The truth is that picture laying on that porch table.
You've been selfish. You've been stupid. You just want your best friend back.
As you look up at Seth's sad face, you know that outside of his home, there is no other room for you here. But he's right. It's painful, and it's nothing less then the truth.
You walked away and left everyone behind. You left Edward so you wouldn't lose your opportunity to live with those who gave you life. It just never occurred to you that you were capable of ruining that on your own.
So you cry.
You cry some more.
Daniela's passing you tissues and napkins. She's staring at you with a look of pity. The expression is sending you farther to the edge.
A great amount of questions are stirring within you. There are many things you want to ask.
Your questioning Daniela's motives towards you. She's Marie's sister after all. Your questioning Seth's loyalty to you. But then again you have no right. Seth's loyalty lies within his pack. The pack that he runs.
You don't belong here. So you stand up. Because you have to. Some how.
You're pulling yourself together.
After minutes that have felt like hours, your eyes finally dry out. The pain hums down to just a throb inside you.
The silence in the room is now almost palpable. Its sucking you in. But you need out. Out before the darkness devours you.
So you stand. You start to walk away. Seth doesn't even look up at you. Daniela is brushing tears away as you walk past her. But no one says a word.
It's time for you to go. You've heard enough and everyone in the room knows it. Your body hums with gratitude when no one follows.
You're not sure what you're doing again. But you find yourself in the guest bedroom. Your shoving your clothes and your towel into your bags in a hurry. You knock over the empty plate that once held the breakfast Seth kindly made for you as you try and force the zippers up.
You're getting out of there. Some how. But your doing it mindlessly. You're so gone, you're practically dreaming with your eyes open.
Because in your head, all you are seeing is a russet colored man. He's bending over, digging a hole in a green, groomed lawn. He's holding a baby with closed eyes and a pink head band. He starts sobbing uncontrollably when he places the baby in the ground. You want to scream "no", but the baby is not breathing.
So you're heart breaks again this time. But for once it's over someone else's pain.
It right then and there as you're finishing packing that you make a promise. Your pain no longer matters. And you're going to do everything you can to make things right. You don't know how and you're not here to break a marriage. You're just here to give everyone the apology they've deserved.
You hug Seth really hard as your standing outside their door. He's holding you tight, and his embrace reassures you. He's not stopping you, but you know you're not done here.
"So where are you headed to now?" he asks.
"To Charlie's", you pause. "I think its time I came back home", your words are mere whispers. But Seth hears you.
He nods, scowling. You try and ignore it. Your sick of reading and trying to guess what people are thinking.
You're just so..heavy.
Daniela pops out from behind him holding tupper wear filled with food.
"For Charlie" she says shyly. "Tell him I am running out of frozen fish and that he needs to go fishing" she says with a smile.
And its enough. Charlie trusts her. And now so do you.
You run and embrace her. You can't help it. You want to not like her. But how can you not? She's the most selfless thing you've ever met and you know that a God must exist for blessing Seth with such a nice girl. You couldn't have chosen a better couple.
The imprint fulfilled its role with these two.
"Thank you, Daniela" you say. "You could have hated me, but you chose not to. So...I feel like I owe you the world. And I just want to tell you that I couldn't have chosen a better person for Seth. You do nothing but compliment each other."
Her eyes glitter at the compliment. She even blushes and looks down.
"Thanks" she says, looking at you carefully as if asking you if it's okay for her to show so much joy.
You're about to bend down and pick up you luggage and go before she surprises you.
"How could I choose to hate you, Bella? I am no one to judge. If Jacob, or the whole pack I guess was as fond of you as I've heard, then you're definitely someone I want to know. You may have left, but something inside me tell me that you're the reason why a lot of things are the way they are in La Push. I am not my sister so I don't want you to be afraid." she says, and then throws the warmest smile at you.
You're breath catches. You manage to cringe and feel flattery all at once.
"Please come over any time, Bella. Bring Charlie with you too" she says as goes back to stand with Seth. She's curling herself into his side.
They can't stay apart from each other too long.
"Of course, Daniela. And Seth," you say tentatively.
"Impulse brought me here. To La Push, I guess. I shouldn't have, but I did. And even though I should have stayed back in Florida, I'm glad I got to see you again."
You point at the house.
"Your house is gorgeous. And you're..you're married now", you say with a genuine smile. "I'm glad to see and know that the pack family has only gotten bigger and better", you give a pointed glance at Daniela.
"I don't think I was ready to come here. But I don't think I can leave just yet either" you say.
Seth nods in understanding.
"Just do me a favor, please?" he asks.
"Anything." you say.
"Stay away from La Push. It's not a good time, Bella." you nod, but you're also crestfallen.
"You'll be invited eventually. I don't know who will do it, but they will. By then, he'll know you're here."
You're not sure if you're ready for that. So you know you have to listen to Seth. No matter how much your anxiousness pushes you otherwise.
"Here." Seth says. He's holding something out in front of him.
You can't help but gasp.
"No. I can't Se-"
"Yes, you can" he claims as he's shoving the picture of you and Jake in your hand.
The picture of you two standing over the cliffs.
It still takes your breath away.
"It's rightfully yours anyway." and just like that he's picking up bags at your side and he's helping you carry them to your car.
They wave from that beautiful home as you drive away. But everything is blurry from where you stand. All you really see is the picture frame sitting on the passengers seat from the corner of your eyes.
It takes 5 minutes to get to Charlie's house from Seth's.
It takes you 10 minutes to get from Charlie's drive way to his front door.
You spend so much time thinking of what you'll say. After all, he has no knowledge that you're even here.
As you stand with your hand floating over the door bell you can't help but feel so wrong. This once was your home. You spent hours laying inside. Edward snuck in through these exact windows to see you numerous of times. Jacob once spent hours with you in the kitchen making an excess amount of food for him. All the movies inside were the exact movies you and Jake used to tangle your bodies together with to watch on the couch.
Those memories hold you back from ringing that doorbell.
Because you know that the moment you walk in through the front door, memories will flood in to your scull. You're cringing now. But there's not much holding you back from falling apart again.
When you finally do gather the courage to ring the doorbell, your a trembling mess.
When Charlie open the door, you both stare at each other for a long time. He's different, but he's the same.
You can't find the words to say.
It's been three painful years away from him and you know its you who has to find a way to break the silence.
"Hey, Dad", you whisper.
You can see he's trembling too.
And then Charlie does the unexpected.
He bolts out and pulls you into the most sentimental hug he has ever given you.
He holds you so tightly and brings you so near and you finally learn that no matter how old you are, you are never to old to need a parent.
"It's good to see you, Kid" he murmurs in to your hair.
You only nod because some where along the way you started to cry again. You missed him. You missed him so much and even now that he's here, you still miss him with every fiber in your body.
When the intimate moment finally breaks, Charlie lets you go and takes a good look at you.
"How's Florida?" he asks.
It takes a minute for you to answer.
"Sunny" you say.
He nods.
"Good" and then he's dragging you inside like nothing's ever changed.
Charlie's house is one of the only things that still looks familiar. It's still white. It still has the same furniture in all the same places. It's the reason why you feared coming back. Its like entering a portal you can't escape. The images and the memories are all inevitable and unforgiving.
But as you think of Billy's house and the blue that emanates from it, you can't discern which ones worse. The one you can see all the memories like it was just yesterday, or the one who drew over those memories as if they meant nothing.
Charlie has piled your bags in your old room, which you have yet to see. You're sitting awkwardly in the living room when he comes down. You hear him go into the fridge and get a beer before he finally comes sit across from you.
You know he has questions, but what bothers you the most is that you don't have answers.
"Don't get me wrong Bella, this visit, well, it's a nice surprise. As good as surprises get really. This place will never be the same without you."
The words he says don't matter much. But it's the way he says them that mean everything. You catch a glimpse of sadness in his eyes, and you know that more then ever, Charlie had been lonely since you left. Your guilt just piles up and up. You feel like you'll never make things right.
"But I know you're not just here for me. So don't lie when I ask you, why are you really here?" He takes a sip of his beer.
You are a lot like Charlie. A person not of many words. But sometimes his bluntness just catches you off guard anyway.
Your not prepared to be so honest.
But if Charlie is the same as he was years ago, then you know that you have to be straight up too. Aside from that you're done cutting corners and hiding behind everything.
"I...I missed you dad. I missed everyone." you start off.
Charlie nods, but its more of a nod that tell you to go on. You've never been one to discuss emotions with Charlie, not when you lived here, not when you spoke to him on the phone when you lived in Florida. But you remember the hug he gave you when you arrived, and it's enough to make you quickly spit out the words.
"I miss Jake, Dad. I messed up. I've known that since I left. But I can't live with it anymore. And when you...when you told me about his wife...and...and his baby, I got on the first plane and rented the first car I could. And then I get here, and I realized I was so stupid. And then...and then I hear about his baby! I'm so horrible Charlie. I'm just so horrible" you cry out.
You don''t expect Charlie to come over and pat your shoulder. But he does. He bring his beer with him too.
Your so embarrassed that you're crying, but at this point you just have no more shame. You also don't want Charlie thinking that he wasn't worth as much as Jacob is to you. Because deep down inside you'll know that regardless of the small time you spent with him as a teenager, Charlie was more of a parent to you then Renee. You want him to not doubt that.
Before you can clarify, Charlie nods like what you just said was nothing more then the conditions of the current weather.
He turns to you and you can't help but listen.
"Bella, you coming back was something a long time coming."
Those words already make you feel better.
He sighs, takes a swing at his beer and looks at you real seriously.
You're not expecting his words.
"When you left, I didn't blame you. I know this sounds horrible, but I rather you leave then be taken away from me by that Edward guy you were dating."
You almost stop him right there, but your judgment tell you that maybe you should just listen. So you bite your tongue.
"When I would see you with him, it was like you were always on your tippy toes. I don't know, like if any moment he was just going to take you away from me and never give you back."
Your breath catches.
"He was a good guy. I could tell. Came from an honest, modest family." he says with a grunt.
"But my instincts just told me something was off about that guy."
You curse your dad's police man instincts. But he was right...
"Bella, I know I'm no one to be giving you advice on love. I mean look at me. I am an immortal bachelor" he says with a laugh and takes a sip of his beer again before he continues.
"But I've learned something in life Bells. When you've been single for a long time, you tend to observe those in relationships a lot more. And in all that I've seen, I learned one thing. People need to learn to love whats good for them."
His last sentence takes you to a different time and place. Charlie once told you those exact words long before. Before when your sheets were purple, when your days were darker, when life was just a haze.
It had been in the middle hours of the night. Your nightmares had once again gotten the best of you, even though it had been months, they were appearing less and less.
Charlie told you those exact words as he eyed the dream catcher that Jacob had given you.
Jacob Black was saving you those days. Now that you think about it, Jacob Black was always saving you from everyone including yourself.
You try not to dwell on his memory too much and try to catch on to what Charlie is saying now.
"That Edward guy was just too serious. And you Bells, well you were even more serious then he was. You guys were too much alike and in that sense, it might not have been a good thing. I know you loved him, but he didn't compliment you Bells."
You had never thought of your relationship with Edward to be intoxicating. But maybe everyone else was right. It wouldn't be the first time...
You wonder where Charlie's going with all of this...you don't know how much of the past you can stand.
"I've been able to watch all these people in relationships. And you know the happiest ones, are the ones who stay with those who are nothing like them. I wanted you to be with someone who was care free. Some one who was laid back. Growing up, I'd always catch you curled up with a book, or studying for a test that was weeks away. And although I am as proud as a parent could be of their bright child, I always thought you needed to loosen up. Maybe just a bit. I wanted you to once in a while put the book away and just go for a joy ride."
You almost can't believe what the Chief of Police is saying to you.
"Remember that time I grounded you for riding those motorcycles with Jake?"
You stiffly nod trying hard to not remember.
"Well I came home that night and pretty much threw a joy party for myself."
He stops to chug the last of his beer.
"It was then when I saw you happiest. When you were with Jacob, you laughed loudly and freely. That happiness practically radiated from you. So when you left to get distance from Edward, I couldn't blame you. I thought you needed it."
You don't need people reminding you of how happy you were with Jacob. Because it's already all you can think about it.
"I just didn't know you'd leave Jacob behind as a price to pay. And I should have. Because even I knew you loved him too. But I hoped that you'd see. See him the way he looked at you."
Did everyone know this back then but you?
You can feel your face falling.
"Look", he says, and you know he's taken the hint that you don't want to talk about that anymore.
"I knew you'd come back. I think everyone knew. Even him."
Him..
"I just want you to know that no matter how much things have changed, every story has a beginning. And no matter what the story is, no story can end without recognizing that its beginning brought it to where it is. No matter where the story takes place, the plot is never certain. The characters can always change or leave, they can always come back, Bells. We're humans. We're taught to live, learn, forgive and even forget. So just don't give up hope" With that, Charlie gets up and walks away.
Probably to get another beer.
But you're frozen in your seat. Charlie not only was a man of little of words, but he was also a man whose depth was always dominated by sarcasm. So these words coming from him meant more then they probably intended too. Although half of what he said doesn't make sense to you, you're starting to feel better. Along with better there is a tiny bit of hope and a tiny bit of satisfaction.
You can almost see yourself settling here. You just might not go out much. You wouldn't want Jake...
And then you remember...you just need to know about Jake. You just want to understand. Its why you came here. Why you can't sleep at night..
"Dad" you manage to call out. Your foot starts tapping unremittingly as he walks back in, new beer open and television control in his hands.
"Yeah?" he says. His face nonchalant as if you did not just share a meaningful conversation with him.
His demeanor makes you nervous.
"Dad," you say again.
"What...what happened to...to Marie" you ask with much difficulty.
Charlies eye brows shoot up in surprise as you mention the name, but he doesn't question you on you knowledge. Instead his face falls at the mention and looks down in sadness. There is a long silence, as if Charlie is choosing his words carefully.
"Did she miscarry?" you ask softly. The words sound horrible and sad alone. Your heart clenches at the thought.
He shakes his head and sighs. He's distraught. You can tell. And it makes you feel helpless.
"No" he replies. His voice is soft and distant.
"She went into labor. She went to the hospital. She was yelping and crying. She got the epidural and everything. Had the whole tribe and me on the edge of our seats."
You're shaking your head trying to put it all together. But it doesn't make sense. That baby was fine. That baby has Jacob's blood running through it for god sake. Why did that baby die...? That tiny bundle of innocence.
For the first time you almost weeping for that life that never got to live.
"It was different this time." he says.
"I mean a lot of those tribe kids have grown up to be great and successful. I some times just look at Harry's kids and they've gone and made it so far. Harry would have been so proud..."
He pauses as if regarding his dead companion. You join his silence and eagerly wait.
"Especially that Seth kid. To be honest, he's like Jacob. Just the one that never...never grew up, I guess"
You know that's not what he meant.
He meant the Jacob that lived with copious amounts of spirit. The one you probably killed.
"Oh, but his wife is so nice. She often visits me with Seth. Just the friendliest people in the neighborhood."
That reminds you of the food she sent and the request. But you know mentioning her would bring forth a lot of his questions. You just want to know what happened with Marie..so you don't say anything at all for now.
"But with Jacob's wife being pregnant, it was big. Not just because I still love that kid like he's my own. But because this..this tragedy had happened before."
You gasp even though you knew this. Because it hadn't occur to you like this. All you can think is poor Jake and Marie. In any other circumstance you could have found something to hate her for. You wanted to dislike her. But regardless of where you stand, you wish you could to something to make things right. You had no one to dislike but yourself.
Pain is pain.
But losing babies...people don't just get over that...
ever...
Tears are pooling in your eyes.
"It happened last year. Jake's now like the Tribe chief or something so it was a big deal that he was bringing descendents. They're just really old fashioned like that, according to Billy."
If Jacob really was the tribe chief then that only meant one thing. Jacob was also the alpha now.
You're guesses were right.
He stepped up..
You can't believe you weren't there at that huge moment in his life.
Unlike you, he faced his fears and did something he didn't want.
He took that chance, the one that you wouldn't risk.
"Just like the second time, everything was fine. She never had a problem with her pregnancy. She went into labor naturally. And everything was well until...until that baby came out."
Until that baby came out...
"The baby came out not breathing."
Your heart is pounding in your ears in horror.
"Just...just like that?" you ask.
He nods.
"The doctors couldn't explain it. The baby was alive and well when she was in labor and once it was over, there was nothing they could do to revive that baby boy" he says softly.
"Baby..baby boy?" you ask.
"The first time it happened it was a boy" he says, but his voice has now cracked and you don't know if he'll go on.
A baby boy...and now a girl? Your heart is aching for Marie and Jacob loss. Your insides are swelling with such a pain you've never felt before. So young and Jake and his wife have had to bury to kids.
"Jacob mourned for months. He even disappeared for a couple weeks and I almost went crazy looking for him, but Billy assured me he just needed time. Of course I couldn't blame him. I can't even imagine what he was going through. But I was worried. Around that time, he didn't visit me for months. Jacob, he was just so scarce"
So Jacob visited Charlie...?
"With Marie it was different. Now I don't know much about her, but from what I got out of Billy, it's like she didn't get to mourn. She went...numb when it happened."
Numb...?
She didn't really react. She was distant, and I know for a fact when Jacob came back he couldn't really get to her. It wasn't until later that I heard that she...she pretty much cracked. She fell apart."
You're so blown away. So far from understanding God and life and destiny. You wouldn't wish what Marie and Jacob had to go through on anyone...
"But you know how life is" he says.
"Things got better in time and from what we can see, it got them to try again."
"Oh no" you whisper.
"I know", he whispers in defeat.
"It was bad enough the first time. But Seth tells me it happened the exact same way. I can't even fathom how Jacob or Marie are. Jacob. He's like a son. I feel like those babies could have been family to me" he says, his voice cracking once more and he turns away getting up.
You stare out the window. You're just beyond comprehending.
"As a matter of fact I have to go see them Bells." he says softly.
"I've waited line enough. I'd invite you but, I-"
"No!" you practically yell. You look up and blush as you see Charlie give you a look.
"I just can't...I just can't go down there...uninvited...", you think of what Seth said.
"I know kid. I know" he says coming towards you.
Your filled with such a gratitude to having such a father.
He wraps you in a hug and you try to push away the thought that it's been 2 hugs in one day and that that might be a new record.
"It's really nice seeing you Bells. Things are hell back here, but I can't imagine things to do anything but get better from here. I can't tell you what to do. But I trust your judgment." he says as he lets you go and heads for the door.
"I'll be back as soon as I can"
The door is about to shut when you call out to him.
"Dad." your voice is weak.
"Yeah, kiddo?"
"Please don't..don't tell anyone I'm here. You-"
"I know, Bells. Don't worry" he says reassuringly.
He turns to leave.
"Dad," you call out again.
He turns around and looks at you again curiously.
"Thank you. For everything. I've-I've missed you, Dad" and that's all you can say without tearing up.
"Me too, kid. Me too." And then he's out the door just in time for you to finally break down.
You've learned a lot today. You learned about Marie. About Jake. About the saddest little creations that never made it. Your heart is heavy. Heavier then how you arrived.
You feel like the sun will never come out.
You came here with a purpose. But now that you're a lot more clear on things, you don't know what your purpose is. You don't have a plan, and it makes you feel so vulnerable.
You take out the food Daniela arranged for your dad and put it in the fridge. Your thoughts just twist in turn inside of you head.
You know that you can't leave just yet. But you're debating on what to say. You're still even doubting apologizing to Jacob. You just fear making it worse by adding on to everything going on.
After a while you can't take those thoughts hurling around in your head.
Before you know it, you're pulling on a skin tight wet suit and you're headed out to that rental car. Your wiping tears off your face every now and then.
But your board is inside the car waiting for you.
So you drive to ocean like you've been dying to see it.
Now that you know about the ocean more, you'd normally head to La Push. La Push with its daring waves and ocean beauty.
But you might as well be exiled from there.
You can't go there. No matter how much you want to.
Not unless your invited.
Not unless your wanted.
And you don't think you'll ever be wanted.
But maybe..maybe in the long run, it'll be a good thing.
When you've parked, your just outside the borders of La Push, still in Forks, but close enough to the waters your yearning to lose yourself in.
As you step outside, you see no one.
The smell of the wet grass and the chilly wind here already make your thoughts slow and your brain calm.
The cold waves that await you are all you need to reach and you body has already begun to hum.
So you can't help it when you run for the beach, your board intact,
The waters greet you in all their cold, silky nature, and fiery.
But you welcome it. Because something about the water and its temperature itself is making you numb already.
You want to be numb...
the way Marie wanted to be numb...
You lay on your board stomach down. You stretch your arms out and take yourself to that place you need to be. Your breath is labored from the work, but its only the beginning for you.
When you're deep enough, you relax and let the waves pull you farther and farther away from the beach on their own. It's like the ocean is taking you home.
Your hands start to tingle in pleasure as you look ahead. The waves are rowdy today.
It's cloudy over the beach. But there are moments when the sun would peak through those clouds with all its glory. There are moments when the sea lights up and just takes you away.
The first wave you ride knocks you off your board. You're not concentrated enough. Your not in it enough. But as you take the fall, the water welcomes you with arms wide open. The coldness, the sensation, the possibilities. It all seems endless under the surface. It gives you the rush you hunger for.
So your mentally ranting when the second wave approaches you. Its a big one. You quickly focus on the waves strength and its roots. Your looking at it's height as your arms are pumping harder and harder around you. You pinpoint the right time to get up and when you do, you've got it right. The water that surrounds you grips you whole.
Your maneuvering your board with practice and it's like a second nature once your riding the wave. To you, your in flight. You're free and mellifluous. There is something worth wanting in this world. You can feel it when you're like this. Its bone deep.
Your bent in concentration as it finally takes you away to shore in a slow and smooth motion. You could close your eyes in delight and surrender to the wind, but as the momentum decreases you jump off gracefully as you land on the beach.
As your toes reach land and bury themselves in the sand, your instincts instantly tell you something is off. The goosebumps that birth on your skin are not the product of the oceans temperature. You look out to the ocean and see nothing. Your breathing starts to hitch. There is something...something and you can't put your finger on it.
After a second, the hairs on your hands painfully stand up and instantly your head snaps up to the beach.
That's when you see him.
And it is then that you can see that he can see you.
You've lost your breath. It's as if a wave has pushed you off your board and it's mangling you in its grip, sucking the air out of you and showing no mercy.
You recognize that face. Those bare feet and legs. That rippled body. Those cut offs, the only clothing that adorns his body.
You'd know him anywhere...
He's watching you. His expression too far for you read.
You're frozen, and unable to breath. You're shaking and a small whimper escapes you lips.
It's Jacob Black on that beach, and you're not ready.
REVIEW? :)
Important A/N:
So I hope that I've answered some of the questions you've had so far. And if you still have any, I promise I'll answer those soon enough ( go ahead and ask me in a review or p.m)
I know I didn't explain Marie's birth problem. Not only did I not have the medical knowledge to accurate explain it, but I also wasn't intending of giving it a reason. Things will make sense as the story comes along :)
For those of you who want to know if Bella will be a home ruiner, she wont. I wont create Bella to be that way because in my head I know Bella can be selfish and stupid some times, but over all she is not cold hearted.
I know it took me a while to update but I wont let that happen again. I hope you enjoyed and just so you know I'm already on chapter 6.
I love you guys and please review. Feed back is so crucial to me. :) :)