Thank you reviewers. Sorry for the delay- it was 2/3 laziness and 1/3 trying out a new format, a play! Oh what fun! Try and catch the references and sexual innuendos. The references are listed at the bottom. So, see how many you catch, then check at the bottom and feel special or not so special. Tell me about any errors. I didn't clean this up as perfectly as I'd like, as I already caught a few.
Oh and Kidd fic writers- did you enjoy that almost curveball that Oda threw at us! We should've known!
Raid of the Trollops
A Play in Five Acts
Characters:
Eustass Kidd
Killer
Rusla
Strong Fuck I
Strong Fuck II
Sir Charles
Prostitute Hebe
Prostitute Justine
Mistress Desgranges
Mistress Duclos
Religious Woman
Kidd Pirates
Marines
Act One
[It is early morning. Smoke rises from the edge of the town and the embers of Blue Moon Bar glow in the early morning sky. Captain Kidd, Killer and a few crewmembers are preparing for a raid.]
KIDD PIRATES: O captain! The hand of the clock rises as do the members of your crew. When do we raid?
EUSTASS KIDD: It's too damnably early and loud to be doing anything!
KILLER: Are you certain? I think I should speak louder; with such little sleep, I doubt you could hear me.
EUSTASS KIDD: Bastard.
[Eustass Kidd rubs his eyes.]
Men, you know your jobs. Group one, you will raid the north half of the first floor. Group two, you are to the south. Group three, keep the pimps quiet.
[The Kidd pirates disperse. Kidd and Killer walk back through the ship where they catch a few men wrecking their ship.]
STRONG FUCK I: That should do it.
STRONG FUCK II: Tha' shit oughtta keep em grounded for a' least the next couple- Shit brotha! Move!
KILLER: Dammit. Almost caught them. You'd think that after nearly dying at our hands, they would leave. Captain?
EUSTASS KIDD: Goddammit Killer. Didn't I say it was too early in the morning. Especially after all I had gotten last night.
KILLER: I'm pretty sure you didn't get anything.
EUSTASS KIDD: The drinks, Killer, the drinks.
KILLER: That's entirely what I meant, captain. You have quite the dirty mind. I'll purchase sails for the ship. You should lie down. There should be a good stock of medicine for the nausea on board.
RUSLA: GOOOoooooOOOODDD MORNING captain!
EUSTASS KIDD: Be quiet. I need quiet. Please.
RUSLA: Some medicine, captain. Now would you like me to help Killer or stay here?
EUSTASS KIDD: I don't care… [He rubs his eyes.] Where'd Killer go?
RUSLA: I thought that since you've acquired the magnificent ability of hearing even the most delicate of sounds you would be able to hear Killer say he was heading into town to buy material for the sails.
EUSTASS KIDD: Well asshole, take me to him.
Act Two
[Killer is at a stand that is selling large rolls of fabric. About five feet away stands the two strong fucks who are looking in the window of a shop that sells men's jewelry. As Rusla and Captain Kidd head towards Killer, Kidd recognizes them and uses his power to attract various iron objects towards the strong fucks.]
STRONG FUCK II: Aww shit brotha! You wanna fight, boy?
STRONG FUCK I: Oi, let's just try to get out of here soon.
STRONG FUCK II: I know man! Imma just go and distract em!
STRONG FUCK I: Yeah, I'm just going to leave now and-
[Strong fuck I trips on Rusla's out stretched leg.]
RUSLA: Rejected!
EUSTASS KIDD: Oh look at that, Rusla. You did something useful and managed to stop these fuckers from leaving.
RUSLA: Tch.
KIDD PIRATES: O captain! We have gathered and put away the freshest produce.
We're quite thankful for this boon,
but we should warn you of the incoming marines that may take away our poon…
MARINES: Damned pirates! In the name of justice, surrender the hard working women and turn yourself in!
EUSTASS KIDD: No.
MARINES: Curses! Foiled again! We're going to start shooting at you guys now, and you can't do anything about it.
EUSTASS KIDD: Oh? It seems that your bullets are simply hanging in mid air.
MARINES: Wow. Amazing! We are impressed!
EUSTASS KIDD: And now you guys are dead. This island is full of idiots. Let's get going.
RUSLA: Hmm. You guys are pretty good at managing the situation.
KILLER: You could try to do something every once in a while. I know you are serving as a temporary navigator, but you could at least attempt not to act like dead weight.
[Not too far behind the three pirates stands Lord Charles.]
LORD CHARLES: You pirates had ruined my bar and its reputation. In return I shall ruin you and your reputation. It's certainly Justice, is it not? Ah, my dear Duclos, I will return and see you soon. For you are the most capable torturer I know.
Act Three
[Mistress Duclos, an attractive woman in her forties, is standing in the brothel's courtyard with Mistress Desgranges. Desgranges is an old, withered woman plagued with diseases and horrific scars.]
DUCLOS: Ah, Desgranges. The morning is clear and today, I am to be paid. My lord is weary from travel and wishes at once to be laid.
DESGRANGES: The morning is too bright, Duclos. But to get away with a crime in this hour would be of highest glory. The ancients were always suspicious of this hour. Upon this very day, forty-three years ago, I killed my first child.
DUCLOS: Wicked woman, my Desgranges; though, the more gruesome the crime, the more delightful the memory.
DESGRANGES: The more gruesome something is, the more pleasure there is to be gained from it. Shall I tell you some stories of my life?
DUCLOS: Certainly. Should I return the favor?
DESGRANGES: Eventually.
Addicted to bestiality, my former customer watched on,
A stallion's cock entering a girl until it was gone.
Naturally, she dies, but only my customer's penis cries.
DUCLOS: Nicely worded, Desgranges.
DESGRANGES: I have another story.
My ungrateful mother heard of my crimes
And demanded that from my job I resign.
Grave offense I did take,
and swore to God her neck I'd break.
I tied her to a strong pole,
Her painful death my only goal.
I brought her a plate laden with cake.
Her hunger she could sate if only her neck didn't break!
DUCLOS: What a perfect and just action! Your joy must have been immense at the time!
[As the women cackle, a messenger approaches, handing them a letter.]
It appears that my lord has business for me.
DESGRANGES: Of what nature?
DUCLOS: Passionate and brutal. The usual. I'm dealing with a man this time. Maybe there's a little extra in it for me, if you know what I mean…
Act Four
[Lord Charles directed the marines towards the pirates. Kidd and Killer continued killing off the marines who got crossed their path on the way to the ship. Before they reach the docks, the three pirates are blocked off by even more marines. The two strong fucks end up caught in the middle of this fight.]
EUSTASS KIDD: You bastards don't know when to quit do you?
[Killer attempts to break through the marines blocking the docks, but more marines stand to take the place of their dead comrades.]
RUSLA: Oi, Killer, can't you mow the fuckers down while Kidd just blocks the bullets with his devil fruit power?
KILLER: Oh, so you are also capable of planning? At least you aren't dead weight. We're still left with the problem of repairing the sails.
RUSLA: Damn. These docks were cheaply built- all wood, no iron or any of that.
[Blinks a few times.]
Oh, well of course, a large fire would-
[A woman leans out of a window overlooking the fight. She spots the two strong fucks.]
RELIGIOUS WOMAN: You bastards! You made my daughter a whore! You deserve to burn in hell!
RUSLA: Oh the fury the religious can get themselves worked into!
[The religious woman empties the contents of a chamber pot on the head of Strong Fuck II then drops the chamber pot on him and kills him. Strong fuck I doesn't notice his dead comrade.]
STRONG FUCK I: Oh, madam, I can assure you, she was the finest whore to have graced my thighs!
RELIGIOUS WOMAN: Godless monster!
[She throws a roof tile at him, which fatally wounds him.]
STRONG FUCK I: If we even manage a victory, we are undone. [Dies.]
[Lord Charles arrives with a cannon and fires at Kidd's ship. Rusla pulls out a peculiar looking whip-like weapon and uses it to skew the path of the cannonball, making it miss the ship entirely.]
KILLER: Not bad.
EUSTASS KIDD: So you can do more than just trip people. Good. Now handle that group of marines over there. Same with you Killer. We need to cut a path through these bastards.
[A large explosion sets three buildings on fire. One building that sells gunpowder and cannonballs caught fire and exploded, setting the nearby buildings on fire. The fire rages on fueled by alcohol and wood.]
RUSLA: Does that help any?
[Eustass Kidd nods in approval.]
RUSLA: You're welcome.
RELIGIOUS WOMAN: Help! My house is burning and I can't escape!
MARINES: Woman, we will help you!
[The marines gather together outside of her window, and pile on top of each other, making a human staircase.]
RELIGIOUS WOMAN: God bless you, young men!
MARINES: How can you say there is a God in a time like this?
RELIGIOUS WOMAN: Monsters!
[She grabs a plate of hot ashes and embers and dumps them on the marine underfoot. He moves wildly in pain, causing the others in the human staircase to fall and lose balance.]
[In the confusion from the fire, Lord Charles makes a dash at Kidd and takes his goggles.]
Act Five
[Kidd chases after Lord Charles, and Killer and Rusla chase after Kidd. The chase leads them to a chamber beneath the brothel the Kidd Pirates had raided earlier. The walls are lined with various torture devices and the humid air is heavy with the scent of decaying flesh and feces.]
RUSLA: The men at the bar occasionally spoke about a torture chamber in this area. The more indulgent men talked about their lovely experiences here. They can pay a bit of money to have themselves or a prostitute tortured. Every now and then, I hear about a cannibal or two coming down here. It's you kind of place, Killer.
KILLER: … You do value your life, right Rusla?
[The trio walks further into the underground chambers. Two gates of seastone slam down, trapping them in an area filled with torture equipment. Before he can react, Kidd is chained to a rack, and another gate comes down, separating Kidd from Killer and Rusla. Duclos and Desgranges emerge at Kidd's section.]
DUCLOS: My, my… What a fine specimen.
DESGRANGES: We can take our time with this man. There's quite a bit of pain these men can stand.
[She turns and sees Rusla.]
Hello there, my young terrorist.
I know that this may seem like a bit of a crisis,
but do not fear, I'll let you go.
You know I'm extreme, thanks to my vices,
So just sit here and enjoy the show.
[She turns back to Kidd.]
Poor man. Now you're damned.
DUCLOS: Desgranges, dear, could you get the tickler, the lead dripper, and the skinning knife.
[A few minutes after Desgranges left the room, a loud crack is heard. A section of the gate falls before a grinning Rusla.]
RUSLA: You got these gates from the marines, I see. You know, they stopped using this version because of how easy it was to break them. Too many separate parts you see. Push a little here, tug a little there, and then the whole thing comes loose.
[Rusla's whip weapon separates into several segments, four of which move forward and pin Duclos to the wall. Rusla is holding another segment in her hand and approaches Duclos menacingly.]
Not let me make an example out of you.
DUCLOS: Girl, do you think this will break me! I have gone through more pain and suffering than you will in two lifetime!
RUSLA: Madame Duclos, you have always a figure of strength, pointless cruelty, and irresponsibility. I want to the world to know, no, I want the world to hear and see you as the weak-minded whore you are.
[Rusla begins skinning Duclos. Kidd and Killer watch on in faint amusement and interest. Rusla has finished with most of her left arm, yet Duclos hasn't made a cry or whimper. Rusla steps back to admire her work then she walks across the room and finds a strange, heavy device. She pulls up a table and chair, and sets the device on it. Duclos is then dragged by Rusla over to the table.]
Now Madame Duclos, your notable crimes include infanticide, matricide, patricide, fratricide, homicide, torture of children, torture of adults, torture of pregnant women, theft, and rape. Are you nothing more than a weak copy of Desgranges?
[Very slowly.] Do you think that mere satisfaction of pleasure is the only goal of life? Your life is a wasted existence of pain. You play the game, hoping that there might be some way to get the last laugh, the last major win. To go out with a bang! But there is no more embellishment of the old stories. The glory you felt when you committed your first crime is gone, yet you do more and more grotesque acts for the hope that maybe you could feel that rush once more. . . But you never will. The rush and joy of such simple bodily pleasures is gone.
[Duclos' strong will breaks and she lets out a sob of pain.]
DUCLOS: All for naught! All for naught! What did they see when they planted their tree? Mene, mene, dead bodies? What did I see when I did my deeds? When will it end? Will it never end?
DESGRANGES: [Sneering.] Pathetic, Duclos, truly pathetic. Does your raging fire become dying embers? Does your forest of life flood with the rain of tears or thrive in the moisture of passion? [With fury.] Not once did my crimes discourage my joy or my passion! No. They were fueled further by what I had done!
[As he listens to Desgranges' speech, Kidd scowls.]
Now Duclos, repent your foolishness.
RUSLA: [With a judge's voice and finality.] Duclos, you committed ten crimes for no reason other than weak passion. People with such a weak constitution don't deserve a place in the sea. The current is harsh, and to hold your footing in such a flimsy purpose- mere, simple pleasure - will kill you. Thus, it is perfectly justified for you to change your life's purpose or die in this very spot.
[Rusla turns towards Desgranges.]
As for you…
[A segment from her whip pins Desgranges to the wall.]
I'll deal with you all later.
[Rulsa walks over to Kidd.]
Killer, let's have a little race. Can you find the key to this before I break the chains? You may want to take Desgranges with you.
[Rusla took apart a few more sections of the gate and released Desgranges. Killer takes Desgranges roughly by the shoulder and walks deeper into the chamber. Rusla starts to prod the chains with a segment of her whip, looking for small cracks that could open and release the chains.]
EUSTASS KIDD: Since when does a barmaid know how to break prison walls, chains, has a screwy looking weapon, and match even the best arsonist at starting a fire? And how the hell do you know these people?
RUSLA: Pipe down. I'm trying to take this apart. Desgranges might've thrown away the key, you know. As for your notion that I'm just some barmaid, please remember the kind of people who frequented Blue Moon. An average barmaid couldn't last a day there. Another thing, you don't work there for the money.
[One of the chains start to twist under Rusla's hands.]
Ah, that one might break.
As I was saying, money is hardly the reason for someone to work there, except for possibly the owner. Everyone there is insane, has some grudge against a popular institution…
[Rusla pauses for a bit.]
Just go with the notion that anything I'm involved in won't cause you any problem between now and when you finished getting through the Alba.
EUSTASS KIDD: I'll hold you to that.
RUSLA: Hopefully not while you're wearing that stinky, spiky jacket. You could get impaled and infected on that thing, all at once.
EUSTASS KIDD: Watch your words Rusla.
RUSLA: Of course.
[Small chuckle.]
We're getting on.
[The chain link manages to twist out of shape and part of the chain comes apart. As this happens, Killer walks in with a key in one hand and Kidd's goggles in another. Desgranges is nowhere to be seen.]
KILLER: Did I win?
RUSLA: Yeah. I only managed to get the left side to come loose. Where's the hag?
KILLER: She slipped away as I came back. There are a few marines on their way here, so she will probably get captured.
[Killer unlocks his captain's shackles and hands him his goggles.]
EUSTASS KIDD: Let's go. We still need to repair the sails and get the hell out of here.
RUSLA: There are enough frightful things here to keep the marines busy for a day, and the fire earlier is probably still going.
[Kidd, Killer, and Rusla leave the torture chambers and get to the docks unchallenged. Bodies of a multitude of marines surrounded the dock that was destroyed by a few cannons that were fired to keep the marines away from the ship, with great success. Navigating the debris, the trio reached the ship. The sails were changed out in a few hours, and the crew left Urdo.]
Some references you should catch:
Duclos and Desgranges are from de Sade's book, 120 Days of Sodom. Not for the faint of heart or individual with a weak stomach.
The death of the strong fucks were based on the death of Pyrrhus. One version says that someone dropped a chamber pot on him. The most likely version has him dying from a roof tile falling on his head in the middle of a fistfight. One of Pyrrhus quotes was "Another victory like this will send me back without a man to Epirus", which he says after winning a costly battle against Rome. Hence, the term "Pyrrhic victory" which is a victory at great costs.
Duclos gives her statement, "Mene, mene dead bodies..."
"Mene, Mene, Tekel, Upharsin" is what was written on the wall in the bible verse in the book of Daniel. Daniel deciphered it as meaning "counted, counted, weighed, divided."
The comment about the tree... Well, a true One Piece should be able to put the piece together and figure that one out.
Lastly, Rusla's "we're getting on" could mean that 1. things are happening, and the situation is moving or 2. a sexual comment akin to "getting it on"