chapter 2, there you have it (:
"Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no!" mumbled Remus that evening in the dorm. James sat on his bed (sorry, on Remus' bed) while Peter and Sirius were playing chess in the common room.
"Relax," said James, "everything is going to be fine. It's not that bad."
"How can I relax?" called Remus in frustration. "I can't play Quidditch! And I don't know how to fly!"
"But you have to," insisted James. "You can't let Gryffindor lose just because of that."
"Prongs," said Remus, and looked directly at his friend, "just think about it for a second. How can I help the team win if I can't fly? And besides, I'm not fast enough to throw the Quaffle into the hoops."
James grinned at him, then crossed his arms on his chest. "Sure you can fly, and you are fast enough. You're me now, remember?"
"Ah, right," said Remus, although he wasn't convince that he could do it. Only the thought of flying high in the air caused him to feel sick.
"Hey, it will be fine," said James in cheerful voice. "At least you don't have to worry about turning into a monster in three weeks." As soon as this sentence left his mouth silence fell on the room. Remus choked and sat heavily on James' bed, which was now his. He stared at his feet, can't say a word.
"I'm sorry," said James eventually, when the silence became unbearable. "I didn't mean it like that."
"It's okay," mumbled Remus quietly, still looking at the floor.
"No, it's not okay," said James, and got up. He approached the near bed and sat next to Remus. "I shouldn't have said it." He put his hand on Remus' shoulder. "You know it's not really what I think of you, right?"
Remus just shrugged.
"You're not a monster, Rem."
"Yeah, well, I think I'm going to sleep now." He said and laid on the bed with his back to James, who sighed and got up. There was no point in arguing with Remus when he was like that. Remus heard him going out of the room and closing the door behind him.
That night Remus couldn't fall asleep. He thought about what had happened that day, and about what would happen from now on. He would have to pretend that he was someone else.
'Not that it's going to be that hard,' he thought. He had experience in hiding the truth. But pretend that he was James? Well, that was a bit more complicated.
James always bragged and stood out, compared to Remus who always tried to keep on low profile. James was a popular Quidditch player, and Remus was a quiet student that loved to read and hated opening up to people.
James wasn't ashamed of his love for Lily Evans and chaste after her since their third year. Remus'd never told anyone about his love for the boy who was his best friend, because he was afraid of rejection. That's right, Remus loved Sirius Black. And he didn't just love him; he was in love with him, ever since their fifth year.
Sirius was everything Remus always loved and wanted. He was always there for him, in the hardest times. He didn't abandon him when he figured out his secret, and stayed by his side even though he knew what Remus was. He could always make him laugh, cheer him up and make him feel better.
The conversations with Sirius were the most interesting conversations in the world, and the silence with him was interesting as well. He felt safe when Sirius was around, and felt emptiness whenever Sirius was away from him.
But he couldn't tell him all that. Tell him meant losing their friendship, and that wasn't something Remus was willing to risk. He didn't have that much friends that he could afford losing one of them.
Remus shook his head. There was no point in thinking about things like that. If he couldn't fall asleep, he may as well use that time for more useful things.
Remus assumed he wouldn't have time to go to the library from now on, since he was James now, and James didn't spend his time at the library. Therefore, if he can't go to the library during the day, he will go at night.
He got out of his bed and opened James' trunk (that was next to his bed) and took James' invisibility clock.
He was just about to get out of the room when he heard someone sitting in the bed behind him.
"Prongs? Is that you? Where are you going?" That was Sirius' voice.
Remus felt his heart pounding. He didn't know what to say. He couldn't tell the truth, because who would believe that James Potter would get up in the middle of the night to go to the library? But what could he say?
"Err… I can't sleep, so I thought to go for a walk outside," he said eventually, hoping he sounded like James.
Sirius looked at him through the darkness. "Can I come?"
Remus wanted to refuse, but knew it would be a mistake. James wouldn't refuse to such an offer. "Sure, no problem, Padfoot."
After Sirius got dressed they both left the common room and started to walk toward the Great Hall.
"You're acting weird lately, you know?" said Sirius, and Remus lowered his head. He really didn't know what to say to that. He just hoped his behavior wasn't that bad for Sirius to think he wasn't really James.
Sirius' next question confused him even more. "You're not mad at me, are you?"
"Mad?" he asked, confused. "Why would I be mad?"
"I dunno," shrugged Sirius, but Remus had the feeling he did know, just didn't want to say it aloud. For what reason should James be mad at Sirius?
"I'm not mad," he promised, and Sirius smiled at him.
They arrived to the main door, and got out to the grounds, taking off the invisibility clock.
After a few minutes of walking in silence Sirius stopped and turned to Remus. "Can I talk to you, Prongs, about something important?" His looked at him, pleading.
"Um…" mumbled Remus. What should he do? Was it right of him to talk to Sirius as James, and invade their privacy? Remus didn't know about the things Sirius and James talked about when they were alone, and he didn't think it was his right to know.
"Shouldn't you talk about it with Moony? He's better than me in giving advices." That was a lie, of course, but at least he tried.
Sirius shook his head. "I can't talk to Moony about it. It's about him."
At that Remus raised his eyebrow, his eyes widen. Sirius wanted to talk with James about him?
"Um, I'm not sure we should talk about this." He said, although he was very curious about whatever Sirius wanted to say.
"Please, James," this time Sirius was begging, "I don't have anyone else to talk to, and you know it. You're the only one who knows, you're the only one I can trust with this."
"Ah, alright," said Remus. He couldn't refuse that poor look in his friend's silver eyes.
They sat next to the lake and Sirius stared at his hands and started to talk.
"I'm in love." Remus had never saw Sirius looking so lost. "I'm in love and I don't know what to do about it."
Remus felt a sting of jealousy in his chest, but reminded himself that he was playing a role, and that he couldn't show any weakness. He put his hand on his friend's shoulder and smiled at him.
"It's not the end of the world, you know."
"Yes, it is," Sirius buried his face in his hands. "How can you deal with it all the time? How can you bare Evans' rejection?"
"I don't know," said Remus, and he really didn't know. "I guess I just… have to keep trying. I can't let one 'no' stop me from getting what I want." He was pretty impressed with his answer; it resembled James' replies to that kind of questions.
"But doesn't it tear you inside? Doesn't it hurt you to know that she might never be yours?" asked Sirius with trembled voice.
"It does," admitted Remus in James' place. "But she will be mine, you can be sure of that." He said, trying to mimic James' high self esteem.
"Well, I'm not sure. And to me it does hurt, a lot." And Remus saw the pain in his friend's eyes. He'd never seen Sirius so sad. Who could've made Sirius feel like this, and turn him down?
"Did you think about telling her how you feel?" he asked, even though it was a question that fitted him more than James. Apparently too much not fitting to James, because Sirius stared at him in confusion.
"Her? Telling her how I feel?" he repeated Remus' words.
"Eh, yeah," said Remus, confused as well. "To the girl you love."
"It's not a girl," said Sirius and smiled a little. "I thought we covered that already, Prongs. I told you two weeks ago that I'm gay, remember?"
Remus stared at him with his mouth wide open. For a moment he forgot he was supposed to be James and just stared at Sirius in pure shock. "What?"
"Gay, James," said Sirius again. "Fancy blokes, biting pillows, whatever you like to call it."
Remus couldn't say a word. Sirius Black, gay? Sirius Black, the guy that in the last three years dated more girls than any other bloke at Hogwarts, gay? Something in that situation seemed very wrong to Remus, but he couldn't help the hope that started filling him.
Then he remembered that he was supposed to be James, who'd apparently known about this for two weeks.
"Oh. Right. So you're in love, you say? And it's not a girl?"
"No, Prongs," said Sirius, sending him a suspicious glare. "It's a bloke."
"Yeah, yeah, of course." Remus tried to cover his shock and tried to remember what they were talking about before. "So, um… why don't you tell that bloke how you feel?"
"I can't, Prongs," Sirius' face fell. "I'm too scared to lose him."
And then, out of nowhere, something clicked in Remus' brain. Sirius was gay. Sirius was in love with a bloke. Sirius was afraid to lose him, which means it had to be someone closed to him. Sirius couldn't talk about this with Remus, because it was about him. Oh, god.
Without thinking Remus leaned forward and pressed his lips to Sirius'. It felt wonderful, he felt whole, and he knew that that was the place he always wanted to be in.
But after a second that lasted forever, he came back to reality when Sirius pushed him away and wiped his mouth in disgust.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" he shouted.
'Oh, no,' thought Remus. 'Prongs's going to kill me!'
please R&R ^^