Chapter 11

Remus' point of view

The next few days were long and frustrating for Remus. At first he tried to count them, to know how much time left until the end of the week, but everything mixed in his head and he couldn't concentrate on anything.

During classes he sat next to Peter. He didn't bother listening to the professors, nothing they said was important enough to dedicate his attention to. All he did was staring at nothing and thinking about James.

Many students approached him in order to find out what had happened to poor Remus Lupin who'd been lying in the hospital wing for nearly a week, but he never knew how to answer.

Eventually Professor McGonagall announced one morning at breakfast that Remus was very sick and that was why no one was allowed to enter the infirmary and visit him, for no one to catch his illness.

Remus himself didn't return to the infirmary again. He couldn't see his friend in that state, no matter how hard he tried to convince himself that it was the right thing to do. The sight of the face full with cuts and the torn stomach were too much for him. Moreover, Sirius settled himself in there in every opportunity he got, and Remus knew Sirius didn't want to see him.

To say that Sirius ignored him would be a disruption of the truth. Sirius ignored the whole world, focusing only on James who lay unconscious in the infirmary without any improvement in his state.

Just like Remus, he stared at the board during every lesson, and at the moment the bell rang he would run from the room straight to sit by James' bed.

Remus didn't hear him breathing even a word out of his mouth since their conversation in the grounds after the full moon. He wanted to talk with him, but didn't know what to say. After all, the person Sirius loved could die at any moment, and he blamed it on himself. Not only on himself, thought Remus, on me as well.

When he didn't think about James, his and Sirius' last conversation played itself again and again in his head. The way Sirius had looked at him that morning, when he raised his eyes which were full of tears, and made a hole in Remus' brain, tearing him from the inside. Sirius' gaze had been cold, leaking with hatred. Remus had never seen that look in his friend's eyes, not even towards Snape. Damn, even not towards his family! And Sirius hated his family.

Did Sirius really hate him that much? That thought didn't leave him in peace. Sirius was a loving and caring person, as much as he tried to hide it in his sarcastic tone and his jokes. So how come all he showed now was hostility and hatred? Remus was James, and James was Sirius best friend. What could have made him act that way?

The answer was clear; Moony was dying. Or at least, that's what Sirius was thinking.

That behavior frightened Remus. He knew that under the coldness mask Sirius was suffering, and his suffer was only getting stronger when he pushed everyone out.

If Sirius was acting like that when 'Moony's' condition was only bad, and it wasn't even Remus, what will happen when he'll die for real?

Remus didn't develop expectations. He knew what would happen if the potion will be ready on time; James will get back to his body and will be fine, and Remus will be the one lying in the infirmary in the bad state of his body. Even though Madam Pomfrey had said he will start to heal, Remus doubted it. Ever since what Sirius had said he could not but agree with the reasonable logic. The wolf had been used to the company of the three animals that prevented it from hurting itself. Even in vacations they would join him to ease the pain. With them out of the picture the wolf had turned wilder and hurt itself more than in the past. Remus couldn't ignore the connection between the two.

If asked seven years ago if he wanted to die he would probably said he didn't really care what will happen to him, but now… he had friends, the three best friends he could ever asked for. He had love, even though he hadn't had time to do much about it. He didn't want to leave all these, he didn't want to die.

But he knew he had to do it. James lay in the infirmary because of him, because of his body, and because of the wolf that was part of him even while not in his body. He couldn't let James die just because of his fear. If Remus won't return to his body James won't have any chance of recovering, but if he will, at least there will be a little chance they both will survive.

"Mr. Potter," Remus shook himself out of his thoughts when he heard Professor Slughorn calling him. It was during Potion class at the end of the week and Remus failed to concentrate again. "Please come and see me after class."

"Fine, Professor," he replied quietly. He didn't know what he'd done for Slughorn to want to see him, but he didn't care. No punishment or detention could change what was about to happen.

At the end of class Remus got up from his seat and approached the Professor's desk, picking for a moment at Sirius who hurried to get out of the room. Remus didn't need more than one guess to figure where he went.

"You wanted to see me, Professor?"

"Indeed, dear boy," said Slughorn. He sat in his chair behind the desk and instructed Remus to sit in front of him. Remus did as he was told. "No worries, you're not in trouble," he said when he saw Remus' worried expression, but he did not realize that was not the reason why Remus was so worried. "I wanted to inform you that the Potion is ready."

Remus gasped in surprise. He did not expect that. "It… it's ready?"

Slughorn nodded. "I passed it to Poppy this morning, so all you have to do is go to her and drink it."

Remus nodded and swallowed. "T-thank you, sir." He got up and turned to exit the room, hurrying in the direction of the infirmary. Although he'd thought he'll be relived to know James was going to be okay, his throat felt tight and his body was shaking. His time was over, he had to decide now what he was going to do, and this decision was going to change his life.

The first thing he saw when he entered the hospital wing was Sirius, who sat in his back to Remus next to James' bed. He stroked the tawny hair of the boy and with his other hand held James'.

"Remus, please…" Remus heard him whispering. His voice shook was full of despair. "Please, wake up. I need you. I don't know what to do without you, Moony." There was a short silence and then Sirius continued, unaware of Remus presence behind him. "You'll be okay, right? You have to be. You can't leave me like that, not after what I told you the last time we talked. I'm sorry about that. I wish I hadn't said all those things, I wish I could go back and tell you how much I love you. There are so many things I didn't tell you…"

Something cracked in Remus' brain at the sound of those words. What is that was the last time he would ever see Sirius? If he'll die now, Sirius would never know how much he loved him, and how he was the most important person in his life. He would never know how much Remus was thankful for everything Sirius had ever done for him; he hadn't abandon him when he'd found out about his furry little problem, he had always been there for him even in the hardest times, he'd always helped him during full moons and after.

If Remus won't tell him now, maybe he won't have a chance anymore. But as he was about to open his mouth and announce his presence, a new thought starched him.

What if when Sirius find out about the true identity of the one lying on the bed beside him, and won't let Remus drink the potion? It was the only way to save James, but Remus wasn't sure Sirius will see the things that way. He couldn't take the risk, he had to save James. It had all been his fault, and if he had an option of saving his friend, he would do it even if it cost him his own life.

"Mr. Potter," a feminine voice made the two boys jump in surprise and raise their heads. Madam Pomfrey stood in the further corner of the room, near the entrance of her office, and looked straight at Remus. Sirius turned around and for the first time noticed the boy who stood with his hand still on the door's handle. Sirius hurried to wipe the tears out of his eyes.

"James," he said quietly.

"Hello, Sirius," Remus said and for a second their eyes met, until Sirius looked away. Remus sighed and turned to look at Madam Pomfrey.

Her glare was meaningful but when she opened her mouth to speak, she turned to Sirius. "Mr. Black, I have to ask you to leave the Hospital Wing right now. You have a class to attend to, and you don't want to be late."

Sirius looked at her furiously. "I have time 'till the next lesson."

"Mr. Black," she said again, and pointed with her long finger at the door.

"No! Why James doesn't have to-"

"Mr. Potter has a permission to be here," the nurse said in a calm voice, "he's free from the rest of the day. But you need to go to class. You can return later."

Sirius sent Remus a murderous glare, but nodded and got up. Remus hurried to move out of his way when he left the room in quick steps.

As soon as the door closed behind him Madam Pomfrey approached a large closet where she used to store all her potions, and took out a little bottle full with green liquid. "The potion is ready," she said to Remus who stood by her side and stared at the bottle.

"I- I know," he said, "Professor Slughorn told me."

A comforting hand was placed on his shoulder. "I know it's hard, Remus," she said, her voice softening.

"I don't-" he began, but stopped himself. The sentence 'I don't want to die' sounded childish and stupid in his head. Instead he sighed and said, "There are so many things I didn't have a chance to do."

"You'll have plenty of time to do all those things after you get back to your body," the nurse said, but Remus could hear the doubt in her voice. "You'll be fine."

Remus nodded. "Do I need to drink it now?"

"You can, but you can also wait a little longer. I owled your father and told him what happened, and he said he could be here within two hours. You can wait him."

Warn feeling started spreading in him. His dad was the only family he had since his mother had died three years ago. She had been injured because of a car accident, and there wasn't much to do to save her, since she had been a muggle.

John Lupin had been affected from it very hard. He separated himself from all his friends (those who had still been his friends after hearing of his son's 'sickness') and barely showed up for work.

But when Remus would go home for vacations, his dad had a smile on his face and he'd been acting as if nothing had happened. Remus knew this behavior had been forced, but he admired his father for at least trying for him.

A sting of guilt sliced his heart when he thought about what he might do to his father in his death. It will break him even more, after losing not only his wife but also his only son.

Tears filled his eyes and his body started to shake. He didn't want to die. He didn't want to hurt people who were close to him. But he didn't have a choice.

"I-I'll wait."

Madam Pomfrey smiled at him, "do you rather wait here or in your dorm at Gryffindor tower?"

"I think I'll wait outside. I have some things left to do."

"Very well." She put the potion back in the closet. "Get back here in exactly two hours, I think your father will be here by then."

Remus nodded. "Poppy?" any other day he wouldn't dare calling her by her first name, but this time he felt the need to do so.

"Yes, Remus?" she asked.

Remus opened his mouth but didn't know what to say. How could he say all he felt in one sentence? He wanted her to know how much everything she'd done for him meant to him. All the days she took care of him after the full moon, how she helped him heal his wounds, as well as the wounds which couldn't be seen by human eyes.

"Thank you," he finally said. "Thank you so much."

"You're welcome, dear" she smiled her calming smile at him, and squeezed his shoulder with her hand. "You're welcome."