Mend This Tear- chapter ten
DISCLAIMER: The Mentalist does not belong to me. It is the creation of Bruno Heller. I'm writing this fiction to express my love for the series and maybe vent a little.
Lisbon could not disregard the effect of Hightower's words had on her; mainly because they echoed her own guilty conscience.
Teresa knew she'd started to pull away from Jane. Hadn't that been why she went running yesterday? To try to reconcile wanting to be there for him with the compulsion to turn away?
And yet Hightower's statement that Jane was being more open than Lisbon had really shocked her.
It also, as Jane would say, irked her.
Of course Hightower's on Jane's side now, Teresa thought, I doubt she'd be so judgmental if she knew of his plans.
Be that as it may, Lisbon was forced to acknowledge that her tendency to detach herself had nothing to do with Jane. Pushing people away had been her MO for a long time…
Ironically, Jane was the only person Lisbon couldn't stay away from.
Wasn't that why Minelli took away the Red John case? Because they had gotten too close?
It used to be, when Jane went off investigating alone, Lisbon wouldn't worry and let things be, telling the team that he made his bed. Nowadays, even when they weren't on a case, she'd call to check up on Jane.
Patrick had gotten under her defenses a long time ago. In fact, Teresa had a feeling that he could have completely shattered them if he wanted to.
The fact that he refrained from doing so was cold comfort. It entailed that Jane had the upper hand in their relationship. The thought was very discomfiting given how little Lisbon trusted him.
Maybe I'm being unfair, Teresa thought.
After all, Jane never really abused her trust. Not in a way that truly mattered.
Lisbon would never forget how decently he'd behaved when she'd been suspected of killing Mcteer.
Yes, he tried to trick her into thinking he could read her thoughts; said that their minds were in sync. He had also butted into Minelli and Bosco's questioning when her print was found on the murder weapon. But Lisbon hadn't minded; she'd had nothing to worry about at the time.
It was only after she was asked to take a polygraph that the reality of the situation dawned on her, and, Lisbon later realized, on Jane.
He'd prodded, but as quietly as she'd ever known him to. She'd resisted at first then admitted to having memory loss. He'd offered to hypnotize her and she shot him down so fast it boarded on rudeness. Then, for good measure, she flat out told him she didn't want him in her head when Jane continued, ever so gently, to suggest that she could benefit from his help.
Looking back, Teresa felt ashamed of her behavior.
But she knew that given a second chance, she wouldn't have been able to act any other way. She couldn't help it.
The thought of being under someone else's control terrified her. Being hypnotized, having someone privy to her innermost thoughts was just as daunting. And having Jane do it only increased her distress.
The man made her nervous. She had too many things to hide from him, things that still haunted her dreams…
But Teresa had quickly run out of options. And when she'd come to him in desperation, Jane benignly agreed to help her; no gloating, even though she knew he must have been hurt by her earlier rejection.
Lisbon's heart raced with the memory; just as it had when they had entered her apartment that day…
Jane tried to make small talk by commenting on her place, no doubt an attempt to calm her nerves.
Lisbon stopped him, knowing it wouldn't work. She just wanted to get the whole thing over with.
"Let's just do it, let's go." Her voice was practically shaking in fear and she hardly stand still.
She had felt like an injured animal begging to be put out of its misery.
And when Jane refused, telling her he wouldn't hypnotize her, she panicked.
"Are you kidding me?"
Suddenly, his hands were on her arms and he was saying calming words; his soothing voice surrounded her. Lisbon felt him everywhere and was soon lulled into a merciful sleep.
She couldn't remember how she'd ended up in her sofa chair. Had he carried her? She did remember waking up, panting with the horrific knowledge that her last resort hadn't worked. She'd joked to cover up her despair.
"I thought you were the best; I want my money back."
Perhaps what scared her most was how puzzled Jane himself seemed, despite his saying that he wasn't going to give up easily.
Lisbon then appealed to him to keep the matter a secret, unable to hold the desolated tears which came with the plea.
He'd tried to offer comfort; she couldn't bear to receive it. She asked him to leave, and he respected her enough, was gentleman enough to do as she asked, understanding that she'd relinquished enough control that day to last her a lifetime.
Any more would have broken her.
He had been so sweet…
Lisbon took a deep, cleansing breath, hoping to purge the warmth of the memory.
She couldn't afford to indulge in such thoughts now.
That situation had been different; drastic. She couldn't very well rely on Jane every time she got into trouble, no matter how eager he seemed to be there for her.
Because then she'd start depending on him; form expectations.
And that was unthinkable.
Lisbon knew she had trust issues. Jane had even tried to assuage her once when she'd projected hers onto him. For some reason he'd found it important that she know he'd always be there for her. She'd nodded to acknowledge the sentiment.
So far, he'd kept his promise.
But how seriously could Teresa take the word of a man who was willing to throw his life away? Who hadn't heard her when she said told him that people needed him; that she needed him?
"Some things you just can't fix."
It had hurt. It had hurt like hell, Lisbon remembered and perhaps for the first time, she realized how much damage that statement had done.
My issues are not the problem here. His are.
A headache suddenly assaulted her temples, strong enough to have her gasping in shock.
Lisbon wasn't arrogant enough to assume that she had any sort of power over Jane.
But she'd thought that they'd built a rapport. That the years they spent together would have meant something to him.
And yet, he still planned on murdering Red John in cold blood.
More than ever, Lisbon was sure that Jane killing Hardy had been an impulsive act, done out of reflex.
She was grateful; would always be grateful.
After all, he saved her life. And cleared her name when Roy Carmen set her up, and apparently he tried to defend her from Hightower.
But she didn't want him to save her. She needed him to save himself.
Because, despite how desperately she wanted to, Lisbon could not try to be his incentive to live.
She had been there; she had done that. It didn't work. People who did not want to be saved would not be saved. So why try?
What's the point of getting close to him, of letting him in when he plans on self-destructing, Teresa thought.
Lisbon's eyes filled with tears as the throbbing in her head turned into an incessant pounding, forcing her to shut her eyes.
Not a headache, a migraine. Her father used to cause them too.
Still, Teresa was grateful for the pain. She needed the reminder. For her, headaches came hand in hand with heartaches.
This is just a taste, Teresa told herself. The migraines were just the beginning. Pretty soon, the ulcers would follow.
This was why she couldn't let him in. She cared too much. It was an emotional defect; she could never establish a proper equilibrium when it came to her emotions; it was either too much or too little. She gave her all; or nothing at all.
But one thing Teresa would never, ever, give up is her control. Letting people in allowed them to affect her. She can't have that. Not with him. He affected her too much as it was.
Was she really in the wrong to want to protect herself from him? From the inevitable heartbreak?
From watching someone else she loved kill himself?
Lisbon survived it once; she doubted she'd be able to do so again.
She wanted to live. Was that really so terrible?
Hightower meant well, but she didn't know everything.
If she did, she'd run for dear life too.
Author's note:
I apologize for the angst here but it was necessary. A lot of people have wondered why Lisbon was acting the way she was, and the most recent episode made it even more vital to explore her point of view. Thoughts? I'd like to thank the anonymous reviewers I haven't been able to reply to: MeltedChoccobutton and Mia66. Special thanks also goes to All-I-Need and LittleMender for listening to my rants, and regulars Jisbon4ever, xanderseye. For those who follow my blog, I should have the newest episode review in a few days; seriously, how great was Bloodstream ?