Mend This Tear- chapter fourteen
DISCLAIMER: The Mentalist does not belong to me. It is the creation of Bruno Heller. I'm writing this fiction to express my love for the series and maybe vent a little.
Patrick was once more stretched out on his attic bed. He'd done so almost as soon as Wayne left, needing to digest the conversation they'd just had.
"She was all over the place when you were kidnapped. She cares about you."
Jane knew that. He truly did.
He remembered perfectly how frantic Lisbon had been when she found him after Dylan and Ruth tried to kill him as a tribute to Red John.
Wesley, whom Red John had left alive, managed to get to a telephone and call for help.
Of course, Jane had had to prompt him into forgetting that his leg was shot, into dragging himself to his murderous classmate's dead bodies to search them for a phone. The amiable young man had gone along willingly enough for the sake of staying alive.
Jane hadn't needed to hypnotize him into forgetting what red John had said to him; Red John had spoken in too low a voice for anyone but Jane to hear what he'd said.
Jane shivered with disgust as he recalled the killer's lingering hands on him.
But the memory of Teresa's hands soon overrode it.
Not that that had been an altogether pleasant experience either...
*flashback*
"Jane? JANE!"
"Lisbon. I'm in here," he called out weakly.
He guessed Wesley must have passed out from the pain and blood loss.
His suspicion was confirmed when he heard Lisbon instruct Grace to bring in the paramedics waiting outside as soon as the scene was cleared.
Following his sound, he heard her step over the bodies, not bothering to stop and check them, and her footsteps continued until she'd found him. She'd stared at him for awhile, eyes wide with crazy relief, before she stormed towards him, gun at the ready.
"I thought I told you to take a damn break," she hissed, looking around, making sure it was safe.
"Yeah, I tried. That didn't work out," Lisbon was about to give him a tongue lashing when Rigsby joined them.
"Hey Rigsby," he greeted the tall agent who told her that the scene was cleared, "you guys think you can get me out of here?"
Teresa holstered her gun, then started to work on the nylon at Jane's front while Rigsby worked on the back.
"You're a bastard, you know that?" she spat
"So I've been told numerous times," he'd said blandly, He didn't mean to downplay the situation, it was the only way he could cope.
"I'm going put a leash on you, a collar," Lisbon threatened, pulling at Jane's bondage from the front.
"I'm not a dog, and slavery was abolished in- ."
"Shut up man," Rigsby had whispered close to his ear, pulling at the nylon strapping Patrick onto the chair from behind.
But Jane hadn't been able to and the rest of the team had quickly made themselves busy, fleeing lest a carnage worse than what lay before them occur before their very eyes.
"You're stupid, stupid bastard," she'd stated, continuing tearing at the plastic sheets holding him in place. "I swear I'm gonna kill you myself one day," Jane was about to come up with a smart reply when he saw her eyes filled with tears; equal parts of anger and relief, and his own eyes finally overflowed.
"I'm gonna freaking kill you myself," she repeated. This time her voice shook.
"Careful, I have a witness," Jane managed to say. He had been terrified, absolutely terrified, for his life. He wished his hands were free so he could brush away the evidence of his relief.
But Rigsby couldn't see anything as he was behind him, and Lisbon's own blurry eyes wouldn't make for the clearest vision. Besides, it didn't seem like she heard him. She seemed almost in a daze. In her frenzy, Teresa didn't realize that she had torn some of her nails, that she was gettimg her blood on evidence. She didn't even notice when the nylon layers had ended and that she was starting to pull apart Jane's vest until, he held her hands in his, stilling them.
Her glassy eyes slowly focused. Saw his hands on hers. Only then did it sink in that he had been freed. And only when she raised her head to meet his eyes did it sink in that he was alive and safe.
For the first time since they met Patrick could truly tell what Teresa was thinking. The myriad of emotions in her gaze were as clear to him as his own; that they were conflicting only made them easier to discern. Lisbon wanted to hug him, but also wanted to tear his head off, she felt like holding him and never letting go, but also like punching his lights out, yanking at his curls till they came out in her hands, and slapping him silly. And a part of her, like a part of him, wanted them to kiss the fear away...
Thankfully, the others came in before she did something that no doubt would have cost her job. Pulling her hands away from his, she couldn't help one last expletive.
"You stupid tool!" She spat. Cho's eyes widened and Rigsby's jaw dropped. Only Van Pelt, on the floor with Wesly, seemed to understand what her boss was going through.
Jane looked at her, wanted to hug her, reassure her he was fine, but he couldn't.
"Nice to see you too Lisbon," breaking her out of her trance.
"What the hell happened?" she asked, standing up, back to business.
*end flashback*
It wasn't a memory Jane indulged in very often as it wreaked havoc on his already taxed brain. But this time he was grateful for Rigsby for reminding him of the incident. He supposed it wasn't surprising that Rigsby recognized that with Lisbon, actions spoke louder than words. After all, he was the same.
But that didn't mean that the young Agent had been right about everything…
Unrequited love is a terrible thing...
Jane remembered using the exact same phrase in Lisbon's presence a few months ago. State lobbyist Harvey Dublin had been kidnapped and his secretary had been begging Patrick and Teresa to find him. Jane told her that her boss was probably dead and that it was a blessing for her. He'd noticed how overly concerned she was and said that unrequited love was a terrible thing, adding that she needed to find someone who loved her back. Notwithstanding the woman's need for the advice, Patrick thought it would benefit Teresa to hear it as well. Although she hadn't seemed particularly affected...
Jane frowned. Could he have been projecting his emotions?
Was Rigsby right? Was he in love with Lisbon?
He certainly liked her. But more importantly he respected her. In fact, his increasing regard was what had made him cease all flirtation with the SCU boss.
It had been after the first time he'd shared his intention of torturing Red John to which she'd replied that she'd arrest him in the event. Jane was afraid that his casual overtures would affect her despite herself; that she'd fall in love with him. He hadn't wanted to put her in a situation where she would have to make a choice between helping him and following the law.
At least that had been his incentive.
Jane sighed and turned on his side.
In retrospect, he knew that those feelings were nobler than he could pull off now. Especially considering how blind sighted he felt by the current situation. For the first time he painfully felt the truth of what Minelli had known since last year: he and Lisbon had gotten way too close. At least, he had, anyway. He foolishly wanted her trust, her proximity, while she wisely held back, preparing herself for the worse.
Patrick could never have imagined that such a scenario would be possible and the ridiculous irony was not lost on him. He was now left having to reconcile what was more important to him now: Lisbon's trust or Red John.
It shouldn't be a hard choice. Hadn't he already decided that he wouldn't let Lisbon's naive hope to arrest the man get in his way? Red John was getting closer which meant Jane was getting closer. Whoever killed Todd was Red John's mole. All Patrick had to do was find him. The stakes were as high as they ever were and he couldn't afford to let anything get in his way.
So why did the prospect of doing what he had to do make him feel ill? Why was it becoming increasingly harder to keep things from Lisbon?
Jane felt he was getting migraine of his own.
I should have stuck to my plan to distance myself from her.
For a while there I thought you'd actually figure things out for your own, but now your back to your stubborn ways.
Nice of you to show up, Angela. Patrick snapped inwardly. He needed a second opinion and his mind's conjured Angela was very good at providing that; even if she was irritatingly blunt and was sounding more and more like himself than his sweet wife.
How is staying away from Teresa going to help matters?
You heard Rigsby. It's sure helping her do what needs to be done, to take me out when the time comes.
Patrick, don't be so obtuse. If she wanted to take you out she would have turned you in the day you told her of your plans.
She probably would have except she knew I would have denied saying it.
Maybe. Or like she recently confided, she believes in you.
She's a hypocrite. If that were true, she'd let me in.
She tried to once. It didn't work.
When? When did Teresa the impenetrable ever let me close?
After she saved you from Hardy.
I saved her from Hardy.
Before you shot him, in the basement, when she arrested him.
You mean when she let Red John escape? Jane pointed out harshly.
He'd come up with the perfect plan to lure Red John. He'd known that he'd come. After all they were presenting him with the most enticing bait: Patrick Jane. He was the tethered goat, and Lisbon had been supposed to wait until the prey bit. She hadn't.
More than angry, he'd been disappointed, and disheartened that his plan had failed; that his ultimate prey had fled in what should have been his final ruse…
*flashback*
"You should have waited."
"You'd be dead," she had been horrified that he didn't seem to care.
"But you'd have Red John," he said earnestly. He didn't care if he died.
"I think you'd choose life."
"Then you think wrong," he'd said blandly.
"No, no you think wrong. Can't you see there are people that care about you that need you? You're acting selfless and childish and I want you to stop!"
*end flashback*
He'd known Lisbon had been upset with him. She'd treated him to some tough love and when that hadn't worked tried to console him with the fact that they had Hardy who would talk, and that they'd saved a life. It didn't work. Lisbon had finally left him to wallow and after a few minutes he managed to pick himself up to go outside. Watching her with Maya Jane felt awkward and sorry for his display; he'd never intended to ever reveal his apathy with regards to his life to her or anyone else. He'd also had a disturbing feeling that in his moment of despair he'd done something, said something damagingly wrong, but he wasn't sure what.
But when he shot Hardy he figured that saving Lisbon's life would be enough to rectify whatever harm he had inadvertently done.
Only now did he realize what it was that had angered Lisbon so: the feeling of helplessness at her inability to make him care about his own life.
In a heated attempt to convey that his life mattered, Lisbon had gotten as close as she ever could to telling him that she cared about him, that she needed him, But he'd been so wrapped up in his own emotions that he'd trampled over hers without ever realizing their significance; or the damage his rejection would do.
Tears of regret filled Patrick's eyes.
There you go. Angela said, encouraging his epiphany.
Of course Lisbon could never get over something like that, not with her history, he said, berating himself for his stupidity, And even if she could, I'm in no position to help her.
She's scared, Angela agreed approvingly.
That I'll hurt her again, Jane stated, and I can't even promise her that I won't.
So I ask you again, how will staying away from her fix any of that?
I'm not sure, but it might be better for her; for both her safety and her sanity. It's the solution she's reached after all.
For lack of other options. You, on the other hand have plenty.
No, I don't. Red John has to die. And if I have to stay away from her to kill him then I will. I can be just as stubborn as she is.
Not as selfless though. You need her. She's your lifeline.
He knew there would be no end to this argument; his words and Angela's were becoming blurred together until he wasn't sure which side he was on anymore.
I can be selfless when it has to do with her safety, Jane argued weakly, knowing he was no match for Saint Teresa. Not when she'd already absolved him from having to consider her...
"People who are close to me, bad things happen to them," he remembered telling Lisbon.
She'd responded that it wasn't true and that she was a cop, it was her job to be in harm's way. Lisbon wasn't concerned about the danger.
Apparently, despite his macho act, he wasn't either.
The day they found Kristina, he'd found himself back on his couch in the bullpen. He had felt shaken to the core and needed Lisbon's proximity. He hadn't even cared about what Stiles had condescendingly told him: that Red John felt jealous, that he wanted to take away everything he held dear…
Jane felt the world tilt on its axis…
If a small timer like Rachel knew about his friendship with Lisbon, had wanted to kill her in front of him knowing it would devastate him…
Even Angela was shocked at his overdue realization.
Jane, did you seriously think that Red John doesn't already know...
Jane remembered Todd, arrogantly saying that there's a reason for everything he'd done. If that was true, then killing cops was a warning…to him.
Jane shot out of his bed and looked at his watch: 11:15. Grabbing his jacket he rushed downstairs.
"Rigsby!"
"What is it?" Wayne looked up from his computer screen to see Jane looking around the bullpen. "What?"
"Where's Cho," he asked distractedly.
"He went to pick up boss," the younger man replied, bewildered.
"When?"
"About ten minutes ago."
Jane headed towards the CBI elevator. Cho wasn't that fast a driver. And since he left early he'd probably take it slow. Jane would have to get to the hospital first.
He needed to talk to Lisbon.
Author's note:
Navigating through Jane's mind is hell. Please let me know if this made sense or if it was too wordy and confusing. It would really help me decide how deep I should go in the next chapters. Also, I think this fic just got extended two more chapters. You can blame Jane for that.