I walked into the library set, and felt Damian's eyes follow me. I tried my best to be in love with Sam. It would all be over in a couple hours. I just couldn't get out of my head the fact that Sam's dreads were probably crawling with bacteria.
I sang to Sam. He gave his stupid little gaze at Hannah. I shook that thought from my head. Sam just wasn't as skilled of an actor as me. I needed to stop putting people down. And so I kept singing.
Erik walked up to me. "Lindsay," he said. I frowned, hoping he wasn't going to say something negative. "We need more sparkle."
I tried not to laugh. "Sparkle," I said, trying to keep the condescension from my voice, "Okay." I wondered what Erik meant by sparkle.
The video shoot went on. I watched as we all struggled. Even though it was the simplest video, we were all having trouble. Hannah seemed distracted, Alex looked sad, Damian was having trouble with his eyebrows, I wasn't sparkly enough, and Samuel was realistic.
I hoped to God I wouldn't be in the bottom three. For some reason I knew I would.
It turned out I was right. At judging I was assigned the song "Maybe This Time." I walked to my dressing room. I began practicing.
"Maybe this time, I'll be lucky
Maybe this time, he'll stay"
Why hadn't I heard this song before? I was the Broadway girl! I should've been able to walk out onto the stage and belt this in a heartbeat. Instead I was freaking out, trying to get it all down perfectly. It had to be perfect.
All too quickly I was called on stage. I sighed and took my place under the spot light. I introduced myself, and sang. I sang my heart out and hit it all perfectly.
I closed my eyes and waited to be critiqued. Ryan's words hit me like a semi. Apparently I was unrelatable and too perfect. I sighed and tried my best to explain. I began to cry. I told Ryan Murphy that I was adopted, supposed to be perfect, the fact that I wanted to be accepted in a family that wasn't like me. It hurt to shed my tears and my problems with someone and just watch him sit there, no empathy whatsoever.
He shooed me and I practically ran off the damn stage and back to my dressing room to sob. I waited until Sam was done before drying me eyes and going back to the rec room where everyone was waiting.
Hannah and Damian were in a corned, talking. Hannah was crying and Damian looked close to the edge. I envied their friendship. They were always there for each other.
Sam and Alex were talking, their bodies stiff. There was tension between them but at least they were talking.
I was alone. I sat on the giant cushioned thing that Ellis had called "The Blob." I waited impatiently for Robert to come in and tell us the callback sheet was up.
I sighed and stood up. Everyone hugged each other and Hannah, Sam and I walked out to the hall. Sam went first. I went second. Hannah went last.
I looked at the last name. I gasped and looked at Hannah's name in shock. I wiped a tear from my eye and walked back. I tried not to look at Hannah. I think she knew what had happened.
The rest of us walked in and hugged her. She looked so sad. I hated knowing I had stayed because she was voted off. I hated knowing she'd be gone. I hated seeing Damian's shattered face as he hugged one of his best friends.
I hugged Hannah and waved as she left. For some reason, I began to break down. I waved goodbye to everyone and ran to the girls' dorm.
Hannah was the only other girl. She had been my rock. I was going to miss her so much. I missed her already. I looked at the room from my perch on my bed. I would be alone in this room. This made me cry even more. I rolled up into a ball and sobbed.
There was a knock on the door. I heard it screech a little bit as someone opened it. "Lindsay?" I heard Damian ask in his accent.
I looked up, almost glaring. I didn't like to be interrupted in my sadness. It was best to let me sob it all out before conversing.
I looked at him for a couple of seconds before speaking. "What?" I said, barking a little. I felt a little bad for it.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
"I'm fine," I said, trying not to cry.
"Okay," he said, awkwardly leaving. I frowned. I wish he hadn't left but at the same time I was happy. I looked horrible when I cried. I didn't want him to see me tear streaked and red faced.
I frowned at my empty room, wishing Hannah were there to comfort me. I was completely alone.
I waited till midnight. I was fed up with the loneliness. I walked to the kitchen to get some milk. It usually comforted me. I downed it and sat my glass in the sink. Just then Damian walked in.
I was still angry at him for not comforting me earlier. "Hey," he said.
"Hi," I said stiffly.
"Are you okay?"
I nodded. "No," I said finally, "I'm not. I wish Hannah was still here. I want her to comfort me. I need her to tell me it's all okay! I… I…"
Damian pulled me into a hug. I sobbed to his chest. "I miss her too," he said, rubbing my back.
"It's so lonely now!" I sobbed, "I can't go back to that dorm room, Damian, I just can't… I'm used to her snoring and talking in her sleep. Now it's just quiet…"
"Sam snores," he said.
I broke away from his hug. "What?" I asked, confused.
"If snores comfort you," he said, "You could come sleep in our room."
I looked at him for a second, then tackled him with a hug. "That's the nicest thing anyone's done for me!" I squeezed my arms around him and smiled. He led the way to the boys' dorm.
Damian was so nice. I looked at his sleeping form from Bryce's old bed. After a minute, I climbed in and fell asleep to the sounds of Sam's snores.