Will watched Tessa walk away. Tears stung his eyes as he locked his jaw, desperately trying to keep all emotion off his face. The second she shut the door behind her though, he let them run freely down his face; a muffled sob coming from his throat. He hated himself for showing this weakness. For wanting her. For loving her. For hurting her.
With a chocking sound Will spun and slammed his fist into the wall. For a second he was still, before he started to slam both fists into the wall, not caring that he was making his knuckles a bloody mess. He kept hitting the wall, again and again, fists slamming into the wall so hard the bones in his hands started to break. The wall was spraying specks of powder now, from where he had demolished it, and as it floated down around him it looked like snow. He threw himself against the wall now before sliding down to the floor and shoving his hands into his hair, pulling at the ends as he struggled not to make a sound. But he couldn't help the broken sobs that came out of his mouth. He hated her for making him feel like this, but he hated himself more for hurting her.
His eyes closed as he pictured her face, looking up at him so hopefully, innocent and naïve, before he had hurt her. Before he had deliberately pushed her away because surely if she hated him it was better? Maybe then he wouldn't feel like this. Maybe then he could keep her at a distance, the way he did with everyone else. He had to, because this was too painful, too hard. He couldn't….he couldn't let himself love her.
So he had to make himself hate her.
But just for a moment, when he was here, alone and unguarded for once, he let himself imagine what it would be like to love her. To let himself love her the way he wanted to. To laugh and tease her, to discuss books with her, to see that happiness and kindness in her eyes as she looked at him. That special smile she had, that would be his. Just his. And every time he saw it he would know that he was the reason behind it. Now though, back in the cold reality outside of his mind he knew that the only thing he caused was pain. He was the reason behind her tears, he always was.
But she was always the reason behind his too. Another sob escaped him as he ran his fingers through his hair. His head leaned back, resting on the wall behind him, his eyes closed. If anyone were to walk in it would simply look as if he was sleeping, the ghost of a smile on his face as for just a moment he let himself retreat into a world where Tessa loved him too.