What is the value of life if life is not priceless?
People take everything for granted until they attend their very first funeral. He was barely twenty five, and still so very beautiful. Even in his peaceful sleep, his beauty shone through the waxy skin and greying cheekbones. My sister, the widow, mourned her husband without a single tear. Her hazel eyes stared desperately at the stained church window, watching the streaks of rain roll down the painted saint's faces. She did not speak, she did not cry, but on the inside, she was broken.
I watched her still, youthful face; pale and heart-shaped with beautiful rounded eyes framed by dark eyelashes. Every part of her, concentrating. Her dark hair trailed down her back in a long plait. I had always envied her hair, how carelessly it maintained its natural beauty in length and colour. As a child, she had always been the beautiful one. Even now, at twenty four, she was just as beautiful as ever. She could have passed for a princess, Princess Nina, and today, a true damsel in distress.
I was her only sibling, and the youngest of the Rydenberg family. Having only reached my twentieth birthday, my features somehow maintained childishness about them; my face still youthfully rounded and my eyes still bright and young. Unlike my sister, I took after my mother, with blue eyes and a lighter shade of nut-brown hair. My hair was shorter and curly.
Not many people knew of the Rydenberg family. We were peaceful, and never drew attention to ourselves. Until Nina married into the Winslow family, everything about us was completely normal. William Winslow was, then, a part of our family too. Together, Nina and William made a beautiful pair, and everyone was sure to tell them that they had a long and happy life ahead of them. I couldn't deny that envy was scratching at my insides like a terrible monster, aching for love and affection … aching for William. I had loved him just as instantly as Nina had. This was my horrible secret I bore, and promised I would take it to my grave. I could never tell her what had happened between us …
When William died, a gaping hole was left in his place within the family. Hearts were left pining to fill that empty place he had once filled. Nobody could have prevented it. What should have been a normal day was left in tragedy. He had been attacked, threatened at knife-point. Some say he played the hero, but Nina could never forgive this. It bore no comfort to her that his heroics brought him an early grave.
At least he would die with this terrible secret. I would live on, being the only one to bear the agony of what had happened between us. I closed my eyes tightly and took a deep breath. Today was not about me. Today was about William.
The service ended, and we returned home. None of us had the heart to attend the bar afterwards, where the Winslow seniors had invited us for a quiet drink. Instead, we drove quietly home without a single word between us. Nina sat beside me, still silent and staring as if she had not yet grasped anything that had happened thus far. She blinked once, and in that moment it seemed everything finally caught up with her. The tears appeared fast, and from her mouth came an almighty cry filled with agony and desperation. I'd never heard such a sound come from a human. It wasn't anything like you could imagine. It was grief in its hardest form; the grief of a widow. She cried the entire way home, her tears streaming down her face with the same ferocity of the rain down the car windows. There was nothing we could do.
When we arrived home, she vacated the car, still crying, and vanished into the house and up the stairs. My parents and I followed silently.
"I think you should go up to her," my mother said, "She'll listen to you, darling."
I wanted to say 'no.' I wanted to hide away, like Nina, and wait for this terrible mourning to pass. But it was inevitable that I would have to talk to Nina soon. I was the only one who could, these days. We were like best friends. I nodded slowly, and climbed the stairs. When I met Nina's door, I waited with my fist hovering in mid-air, waiting to knock. I heard her heartbroken sobs within, and couldn't bear to interrupt. Today was not like any other day in which I could comfort my saddened sister. This sadness was beyond comfort, for now. Very silently, I stepped away from the door, and left her in peace.
We did not see Nina until much later that night. I was sat with my mother and father in the television room, with plates of dinner on our lap. It was a rare occasion, but mother couldn't give a care about where we had our dinner today. The dining room would remain unused for now. The door opened, and Nina entered, puffy-eyed and looking very embarrassed. A forced smile lifted the corner of her mouth, and she nodded.
"Nina," our mother sighed, "Come and sit. Do you want dinner?" She stood from the sofa and removed the empty plate from her lap, making a place on the sofa for Nina.
"No, I'm fine," Nina said quietly. Her strained voice was determined to maintain clarity, but it was plain in the crack from the back of her throat that she had been screaming in her grief. She cleared her throat, and blushed. She took our mother's seat as mother slowly left the room with her plate, surveying her daughter almost admiringly. Our father burped out loud.
"You're missing out, sweetheart. Good dish today." He patted his round belly gratefully. We both grinned. Our father always had an easiness about him. In that moment, I caught Nina's eye and we both looked at each other from across the room. She gave me a weak smile, which I returned.
The mourning period did not last a day. Nina played as strongly as possible for well over a month, but I always caught her breaking the mask every now and again as her eyes glazed over and her lip began to tremble. She always tried to put herself back together, but sometimes that wasn't possible and, with a muttered apology, she left the room to sob in silence. The events became less and less likely as time passed by. As people say, time is a healer, but it takes a lot of motivation within that space of time to influence the healing. Otherwise, you're just waiting for nothing. I stuck with Nina for every moment of that time.
It was on one sunny Wednesday eight months after William's funeral when my mother entered the kitchen looking very dishevelled and troubled.
"Mom?"
"Not now, Nancy." Mom sighed at me, resting against the kitchen counter and massaging the bridge of her nose with her fingers. My father walked in looking round as ever and his hazel eyes looked comically disdainful. He had a tendency to turn my mother's stress into some kind of comical drag. You could almost hear his voice sighing 'not another problem!' just by the little expression in his warm, beetle-bug eyes. He flumped himself into a kitchen chair and sat back comfortably.
"Dad, what's happened?" I asked.
"You need to talk to your sister," Mom broke in sternly.
"Why? What has she done?" I looked from my mother's fuming expression, to my father's nonplussed appearance.
"Nina has booked an appointment with a Clairvoyant," Mom said, exasperatedly.
"A what?" I asked.
"It's a long word for psychic-" Dad muttered.
"-A freak that talks to dead people!" Mom snapped. "She's officially lost her mind. She found the ad in a newspaper and now she's off to talk to some crackpot woman who's making her pay to hear fictional stories about her future, and ghosts and-"
"-Calm it Karen," Dad interrupted. Mom stopped and looked to add, wide-eyed. "She hasn't lost her mind, she's still in mourning. And I think, Nancy-" Dad looked over to me, "-You should go with her."
"What!" Mom's voice squeaked. "I'm not having both of my daughter's brainwashed by some crazy, psychopath-"
"-Karen!" Dad raised his voice, but meaning no threat or harm. It was his way to calm my mother, and it usually worked.
"Dad, why do you want me to go?" I asked, wringing my hands uncomfortably.
"You're the only one your sister trusts enough." He replied, honestly. "She won't want to go with the queen-of-calm here-" he gestured towards Mom, who opened her mouth to retort back but was silenced, "-and we all know she'll need the company. This is all just a part of the mourning process. It'll stem, soon."
Without another word, I nodded. Of course, my mother continued with her enraged rant about the un-jest methods used by the 'psycho psychic witches,' and did not hesitate to animate her outrage on their moral ambiguities. The majority of her rant was ignored, and she spent the rest of the day in a huffy silence.
Later that week, I was surprised to have Nina confront me herself. She seemed just as surprised as I agreed to join her without a second thought. She was unaware of the conversation I had had between our parents, and so my premeditated reply came as unexpected. Regardless, she was happy that I was willing. Later that afternoon, we both went on our way to town.
"I didn't recognise the address," Nina said as we walked along the street.
"What name are we looking for?" I asked her, hitching my bag back on my shoulder.
"The brochure said Ms May." Nina wasn't paying her full attention to me as she scanned the passing buildings for the logo. She had an air of business about her most of the time these days. I believed it was her way of coping; a busy mind was a distracted mind.
"There! Found it." Nina said. Before us was a line of tall, wide, grey buildings. Wedged somewhat precariously in between them was a narrow little building with a wooden sign painted a vivid purple with the words: 'Ms May: Seer' upon it in a faded white.
"This is it?" I asked, trying not to sound as unsure as I felt. The windows at the top of the building looked stained, and the frames were rusting. Everything below looked slightly dishevelled and unkempt. It was not a scary sight, but it was not comforting. Nina did not reply, and walked straight inside. I hurried to follow close by.
Inside the narrow building, we were met by a strong smell of cleaning products and carpet, and a long, narrow, high-ceilinged hallway. A number of doors lined the corridor. As we entered, the door caught the hanging chimes dangling above us. At the song of the chimes, a door at the end of the long hallway opened, giving better light into the building. I took Nina's hand in mine. Even if she wasn't remotely alarmed, I was feeling positively stricken.
"Ms May?" Nina's voice rang down the hallway. The woman that had emerged from the door at the bottom of the hallway smiled at the sound of her name. She was a dark-skinned, thick-set woman, with a bright smile and thick, curly hair that fell in heavy ringlets around her shoulders.
"That will be me, darling. Who might I have the pleasure of assisting?" Everything Ms May said sounded heartfelt and natural, and although suspiciously scripted, brilliantly delivered. Regardless, her presence was a lot more warming than the building. She wore a great, baggy knitted jumper of a rich plum colour and a long, floral dress that tickled her ankles. I realised, as she drew closer, a large bump protruded from her abdomen. She was pregnant, and heavily at that.
"I'm Nina Winslow, and this is my sister; Nancy Rydenberg." Nina held out her hand, which Ms May held in hers and shook gently, her eyes were smiling brightly. She turned to me, and the brightness in her eyes faltered slightly, yet the smile on her mouth remained.
"Oh," Ms May grinned at me, "A strong presence, darling. Always a charm, but never a blessing." She shook my hand. Her hands were soft and surprisingly strong. I wasn't sure whether to return the smile, or feel insulted.
"Ms May, I rang your office last weekend-" Nina began.
"Yes, I was told there was an appointment this evening. Follow me, darling. Both of you," She said politely, waving a friendly gesture to the door at the end of the hallway. Both Nina and I followed behind her.
Inside the small room, everything was even brighter, with a large chandelier hanging in the middle of the ceiling, and tall lamps in every corner. Draped across the walls were cloths made of red silk. In the centre of the room were two red sofas, one facing the other. Everything else in the room was a brilliant white. The small white table between the sofas had a litter of diamond-shaped crystals placed upon it.
"Sit darlings, sit." Ms May said, carefully seating herself on one of the red sofas and gesturing for us to sit on the one opposite. We did as instructed, still admiring the room.
"Now then." Ms May shuffled in her seat so that she was sat on the edge of the sofa. She rubbed her hands together and settled them on the table. Her eyes twinkled at us.
"What do you require?" She looked straight at Nina. Nina struggled for a short moment. I wondered if she was half-hoping that Ms May already knew the answer.
"A short service?" Ms May offered, politely. Nina nodded
The service was surprisingly simple, and involved very little on Nina's behalf. Ms May spent most of the time talking, as she held Nina's hand and read each line as if they bore a hundred words. She told stories of beauty, success, hardship and grief. When she arrived at the subject of heartbreak, she kept it brief, and Nina remained as composed as she had at William's funeral.
"We have your life-line here," Ms May said gently, delicately running a finger across a line in Nina's outstretched palm. Ms May paused and her brow narrowed a fraction. It was a swift movement, and her brow corrected itself. She nodded, and gently placed Nina's hand on the table like a sick animal. She looked up at us both.
"Now, some life lines, like yours, have the tendency to become unpredictable. There's no alarm-" Ms May added, seeing the sudden sternness in Nina's eyes, "-It is quite common with a beaten heart. Sometimes, when two lives are intertwined by love, and one life is lost, the life line of the other is taken with the soul of their lover. That is to say, their hearts remain as one, even in death."
I didn't like this subject, and shuffled uncomfortably. Nina, on the other hand, was listening very intently, once again wearing a very determined and attentive expression.
"I believe, in time, maybe even soon, you will find your life line; once your heart has found its way home, again." Ms May gave a gentle smile, which Nina returned with effort.
"Can I ask something of you?" Nina said, speaking for the first time. Her voice sounded strong. Ms May looked slightly taken aback at first, but smiled and nodded.
"Can you contact the dead?" Nina asked.
Ms May sighed, but did not lose her gentle smile.
"I'm afraid, I am only a Seer." She replied. "The gift of clairvoyance, or as it's better known as 'Seeing,' is hard to control in its own ways, it's taken years to master. So many years, as such, that I've had no time to practice in any other type of matter."
"So- so you can't?" Nina said desperately. There was a moment where Nina's desperate eyes met Ms May's peaceful stare. I watched in silence. Very slowly, Ms May's hand outstretched to hold Nina's.
"I will try," She said, comfortingly, taking Nina's hand in hers. "But I must ask you, both of you-" Ms May's eyes met mine, and all air of her sweetness was abandoned. Her stare was urgent and imploring. "-you must both do everything that I say. I must have your word."
"I promise." Nina said, strongly. Ms May had not broken her stare from my direction. She was staring hard at me. I struggled to answer for a moment, now realising that Ms May's hand was outstretched, rested on the table before me.
"Your word, Nancy," Ms May said. I broke her stare to look at Nina, who was now looking at me with desperation in her eyes. Slowly, I turned to look back at Ms May.
I nodded.
"Good. Now take my hand, and follow my instructions." Ms May said. I quickly wiped the sweat from my palm, and then stretched out my arm to take hold of Ms May's outstretched hand.
"Now both take each other's hands." Ms May instructed, and Nina took hold of my free hand. "Now listen carefully. You must not break this circle. This circle is our trust and security. I have very little practice in this matter, but what I know of it – it's demanding, and it's difficult. If we make contact, you are to remain silent unless instructed otherwise, and you are to remain still." The air in the room felt suddenly thicker. I felt a hot sweat across my brow.
A silence fell between us as Ms May closed her eyes gently, and began to hum gently under her breath. I watched attentively as she mumbled words we could not hear nor understand. I could feel my hands sweating against Nina's and Ms May's. My arms were becoming numb. Suddenly, Ms May's eyes opened with a start and she gasped dramatically, making both Nina and I jump.
"Someone's here," Ms May whispered harshly. She sounded shocked and amazed. Her brow furrowed and her eyes widened. "It's a boy. A young man. He is talking so fast I can barely understand him." Ms May winced and her grip tightened on my hand. "He's shouting something." She winced again, and muttered something under her breath. "He won't communicate properly. He only wants to be heard. He keeps shouting a word." She seemed to be listening hard, as if trying to discern a distant figure she may recognise. "No he's shouting a name." Nina's hand clenched mine in a vice-like grip. "He's saying … don't …" Ms May frowned, trying hard to listen with all of her might. "…don't…touch…" she paused. "No! It's 'trust.' Don't … trust …"
Immediately, almost by reflex, I pulled my hands from Ms May and Nina's grip. Ms May stopped and stared wide-eyed at me. Her eyes were outrageously wide and angry, like two glaringly white moons on a ferociously dark sky. Quite suddenly, a ferocious cold gripped my spine and I felt something like an invisible vice-like hold upon my throat. My sight began to fog over as a rushing, high-pitched screaming filled my ears. I shuddered violently.
"NANCY!" Nina screamed. Everything seemed to snap back to reality. I gasped a fresh breath of air, as if I'd broken the surface of a deep and treacherous lake. My chest was heaving. I had collapsed onto the floor and was looking up at the bottom of the table between the red sofas. Nina was up on her feet and helped me to mine. My knees trembled and I fell back into the sofa. Clumsily, I pulled myself up onto the arm of the sofa. Ms May was also stood, watching me with weary eyes. Nina was trembling.
"What happened? What did you do? Nancy, are you okay? Nancy?" Nina held my head in between her gentle hands and stared desperately into my eyes, as if expecting to see them de-focus again.
"I'm fine," I muttered. My voice was much weaker than it felt. "I want to leave. Now." I said firmly.
"Nancy?" Nina's said.
"You foolish girl," Ms May muttered. Nina spun around to face Ms May. Her expression was completely affronted.
"Nina, can we leave, please?" I held Nina's trembling hand in mine. I realised I was shaking like a new-born pup. I stood myself up firmly, and Nina followed my lead.
"I think you just need to calm down," Nina said desperately.
"No, we need to go." I didn't give Ms May another look as I turned on my heal and left the room. I was surprised at how long the hallway felt at this moment. I could feel Nina's pull on my hand. She muttered some kind of apology behind her and we both charged down the hallway and out of the building.
The air outside was a fresh relief. It smelt clean and tasted cold, and stung my hot sweaty face. I quickly swiped the hair off of my face and took a big gulp of fresh air. Both Nina and I stormed down the street. I wanted to get as far away from Ms May's building as possible.
"Nancy, slow down!" Nina called at me. "Nancy!"
I did not reply, but moved even faster. For someone who had just fainted, I was moving at a surprisingly brisk pace.
"Nancy, you need to stop!" Nina grasped me by the wrist and spun me around to face her. By the look on her face she wanted to say a hundred things at once, but it was impossible. She composed herself briefly.
"What happened?" She asked me desperately.
"I don't know." I replied, honestly. "One second, we were … listening to Ms May, and the next I was waking up on the floor-"
"-Why did you break the circle? Why did you let go?" Nina asked. I paused for a second; almost completely offended that she was less concerned for my health than I had thought.
"What?" I snapped. "Who cares about the stupid circle, I've just had a seizure-"
"-you really offended Ms May." Nina finished. She hadn't been listening to me.
"Nina! That woman insulted me just now, didn't you hear her?" I said.
"Of course, and it was out of order, but she was offended."
"I can't believe you're defending her. I-had-a-seizure!"
I turned on my heel and stormed away from Nina feeling outraged. In truth, there was a part of me that understood exactly what Nina had meant. She wanted to know why I had broken the circle, even though I had given my solemn word that I wouldn't. But the truth was too daring to accept. The reason I had broken that circle and broken the link we had formed to communicate with the dead was because the voice Ms May was hearing, the voice that was shouting so angrily in her ear was the voice of William Winslow, and he was trying to tell Nina, his widow, of our terrible secret. He was trying to warn Nina not to trust me. Suddenly, I felt my stomach turn in knots and guilt wrapped itself around me like a greedy python. Suddenly, I felt worthless and small. This burden would never relieve me. But, it seemed, even the dead can carry burdens.