Your stalker turned out to be a hot guy and you just so happened to be slightly on the not straight side. Jackpot!...not. Your hot guy stalker turned out to be Yuu Kanda. You know, The Yuu Kanda? The evil villain? The final Big Boss at the end of the game that you have to kill? The Japanese who eats puppies for breakfast?

So yeah, good luck.

Now, don't cry, you big baby! Man up a bit, flex those muscles and show that guy that you are a manly man and there is no way that you will just bend over and take it up the ass just like that!

…

No. You wouldn't…yeah.

Anyway! Even though you are currently drowning in your own misery for having a stalker that you surely didn't ask for, do not lose hope. The whole point of this guide thingy is to help you get rid of your annoying personal demon while staying positive all the way. We will not just abandon you like a poor puppy so that a Japanese can kick your albino behind. No.

Even though your stalker is supposed to be your arch nemesis here, you still have to consider his thoughts and feelings. Most importantly, you have to know why, GODS WHY!, he chose to follow YOU since it's clear that you are both sporting the same equipment in your pants.

Maybe, due to some extreme bout of idiocy, he mistook you for the cute Chinese transfer student even through the obvious difference. Lenalee Lee is a LONG, BLACK haired GIRL. On the other hand you, Allen Walker, are a SHORT, WHITE haired GUY. The lack of tits should have given it away.

Whatever demented reason he got you still need to find it out, just so all the craziness can end and you can still maintain your chastity.

So it's time for step 3!

STEP 3: FACE YOUR FEAR

…..

Allen Walker was having the worst day of his life. He came to this conclusion not because he was sitting inside of a car with a stranger nor the fact that a group of mafia freak was out there to roast his ass. No. It was the fact that Mana Walker was dead. He was very sure of that. After all, he had been holding Mana close even as the man let out his last breath and Allen's white shirt had been soaked through with his father's blood. He knew that but still, his mind was having a hard time grasping this fact.

Because it was one of the things in this world that was easy to think but hard to understand.

Plus, this man's sudden appearance was not helping him. It was just adding to the confusion piled up inside Allen's brain that needed to be sorted out soon.

He still didn't know when 'soon' was.

The red haired man in front of him was not even paying attention to Allen! Oh the nerve of him. After dragging him forcefully out of the house, away from Mana and literally kicking him in this car, the bastard actually had the gal to ignore Allen's existence as if it were a normal hobby of his to kidnap underage virgins!

That was unacceptable.

"Who the fuck are you?" Allen snarled, throwing his manners in the trash since there was no point in going all 'good boy' now. No one was going to tell him off anyway.

Allen felt warmth in his eyes and he blinked several times to make it go away.

"Do you kiss your mother with that mouth, brat?" the red haired asked nonchalantly.

"Who the fuck are you?" Allen repeated.

Allen expected another bastardy comment.

"Marian Cross."

It was a total shock for him when he actually got an answer.

But as the saying goes, one answer leads to more questions.

"Why did you kidnap me?"

"I didn't kidnap you, brat."

"Why did you kidnap me?"

And so began the battle of the assholes.

Their 'conversation' continued on in the same manner. It seemed that this Marian Cross needed to hear the same question twice before he gave a barely acceptable answer. And even then, he didn't give it without insulting Allen's general person like it was his obligation to do so.

Sometime later, when Allen got the time to reflect on their first meeting, Allen knew that his relationship with Marian Cross was doomed from the start.

Allen learned from interrogating Cross that Mana Walker and his brother was related to a certain group that was related to the mafia. For some reason, maybe out of boredom, they chose to load their machine guns, heat up their bazookas and go out on a man hunt that then led to Mana Walkers death which in turn brought the appearance of Marian Cross, womanizer/ drunkard/ sort of Mana's brother's friend/ possible pedophile extraordinaire.

Which brings Allen back to his current situation.

"They're after me?"

"Yeah, I didn't believe it myself. I mean, what could they possibly want from you?" that statement was really meant to be offensive.

"But then…why did they have to k-kil…" Allen trailed off; still not ready to face the fact that his foster father was actually dead. His 10 year old mind can only take so much in one go.

"I don't know and I most definitely do not care. I got you out of there and my job is done." Cross blew a puff of smoke on Allen's face. Allen felt the sudden urge to break the bastard's pretty nose.

"You say it like it doesn't matter, like my father was just a dog that got run over by a car, like my life is nothing significant. What kind of horrible person are you!" Allen blurted out in one breath. He growled low in his throat when Marian Cross didn't even spare him a glance.

"You know," Cross began, throwing his cigarette on the floor and stepping on it. "I could actually care less."

Allen was about to start a bitch-slapping fest the moment Marian Cross closed his mouth, but he found himself being held by the collar of his shirt and lifted away from the asshole when all he wanted to do that time was to break every bone Cross had. Only then could he die happy and join Mana in heaven with a smile.

"We're here."

Allen paused in his attempt at murder at the sound of that feminine voice. He was put down on the ground and when he turned around, it was at the sight of the weirdest woman in the world. Her was appearance was screaming suspicious at every angle.

"You're weird." Allen couldn't stop blurting out.

Allen knew that behind the mask she was wearing was the most scorching glare a human was allowed to give. But he didn't care because the woman was wearing a mask that covered the top half of her face and her hair was in a tight bun and she was wearing a weird dress that Allen only saw on the black and white movies Mana was very fond of watching and to Allen, it was weird on a different level.

"Don't mind the brat, Maria. Park the car. We'll go in from here."

Allen was about to ask where they were going but his question was answered when he looked up, up and UP and saw the most kick-ass mansion he had ever seen in his ten years of existence.

They where still a few meters away, standing next to a circular fountain, and even when the car was already driven away and Marian Cross was already walking to the large front door, all Allen did was stare open mouthed.

"Brat, move it." This command was followed by three consecutive shots that would have left Allen's brain splattered on the dirty ground had Cross didn't miss. The sad thing was that Allen knew the miss wasn't intentional.

"Oh, I miss." Cross muttered.

Yeah, this guy wanted him dead.

That night, after a very grand dinner, courtesy of Cross' butler, Maria ("Your butler is a GIRL!" BANG! "Are you a sexist, brat?") Allen was shown to his new room which…wasn't much of a room to begin with. When Allen was led outside and in front of a miserable looking shed, he knew, he just knew that things were only going to get worse.

He didn't even have the time to mourn for Mana. Life with Cross was just that horrible.

…..

Allen Walker didn't even stop to wonder why he started his day with a flashback. Looking up at Lavi's barely innocent face, he already knew the reason why.

It was amazing how ones misery can bring two people together.

Unfortunately, both events were not amazing in the way Allen wanted them to be.

Meeting Marian Cross had been amazingly traumatizing.

And spending more and more quality time with Lavi was becoming amazingly annoying by the minute.

After the earth shattering revelation that Yuu Kanda was in fact Allen Walker's stalker, it seemed that the red-haired senior found it to be his obligation to guard Allen and his chastity from perverts. Especially Japanese perverts. Not that Allen thought Kanda wanted in his pants, but he can never be too sure. Yuu Kanda was known to be as unpredictable as Lavi. And Lavi was as unpredictable as…something that was…unpredictable. Yeah. His brain was pretty messed up that morning.

It had been already two days since Allen found himself with an unwanted bodyguard in addition to his unwanted stalker. And Lavi was proving to be as much of a headache as Kanda was.

Were red heads meant to be the bane of his existence? Is he going to lose his virginity to one? Well, Kanda was not a red head so that was a bonus.

Anyway, it wasn't that Lavi was bad company. There was just the fact that the senior seemed to be suffering from a severe case of…diarrhea of the mouth.

He kept spilling out whatever came to his mind and it was driving Allen insane! One moment he was talking about school projects and then he'll suddenly jump to the topic of whether Pluto was actually a star because, DAMN, Pluto had been his favorite planet of all and then the next second he'll be talking about something that was not related whatsoever on the two topics before. Which was good and all, if only he didn't somehow manage to pry some personal information off of Allen.

Let it be known that Allen was a social hermit at heart. He didn't mind having company, sure, but when said company became to close for comfort, his natural instinct was to hide somewhere and wait for them to forget about his existence. After that, Allen would go back to his usual pace until another company comes his way and the process will be repeated over and over again.

So far it wasn't working. Two days ago, Allen woke up to the sound of Lady Gaga's Telephone being knocked on his door. He opened it and there was Lavi in all his Lavi glory. He had asked him how in the world he knew Allen's address and the red head just answered him with a nonchalant wave of the hand and an 'A little bird told me.'

Allen had to wonder then who the real stalker was, Lavi or Kanda.

Except for Lavi's mouth disease and his inexplicable ability to dig out your deepest, darkest secret from a simple conversation of nouns and pronouns, Lavi was fine.

And he also make a good bodyguard, if Allen do say so himself.

This is when Yuu Kanda comes in.

Allen had never noticed how…how close he was to the Japanese every time he goes to the library or his locker or the toilet. It was only through Lavi's constant greeting to Kanda that made him aware of just how oblivious he was to his surrounding. Like, he didn't even notice that Kanda was standing next to him while he was pissing until Lavi shouldered his way in between them. And goodness, was the Japanese checking him and little Allen out? Like really looking at them with those dark eyes of his? Hell yeah. It was a wonder little Allen didn't shrivel and die from the scrutiny. Then he wouldn't be able to produce Allen babies and that would be a downer.

So yeah, maybe having Lavi around also has its perks. And his bullies seemed to realize that he had a friend, an actual living person of a friend that talks to him and walks with him and, one time, ate with him during lunch. If only Lavi would just shut up for a second and let Allen breathe then he would be A-OK in Allen's book.

Allen told him just that the moment he reached his locker that Friday morning.

"What?" Lavi asked, smiling like the idiot that Allen knew he wasn't.

"Lavi, it…it's not that I hate it when you talk to me, just, could you please, uhmmm…you know." By the look Lavi gave him Allen was sure that the senior didn't know.

Allen really hated to say it, but he had to. He needed to get this out of his system.

"Lavi, please shut up."

Lavi's mouth fell open in a small 'o' of surprise and finally, he shut up. He looked kind of disappointed, Allen observed, but telling him about the secret behind Lays Potato Chips could wait another day…or two. Make that a year.

"Okay." Lavi answered in a little voice looking like the puppy that got kicked in the ass…hard.

Allen wasn't even able to summon a little amount of guilt for telling the senior off when said senior suddenly perked up and waved manically to someone far behind Allen. Allen managed to dodge in time to avoid getting a black eye.

"Yuu!"

Allen automatically tensed, turning around robotically to look at the current fish bone stuck in his throat. Yuu Kanda.

The Japanese's eyes were practically killing Lavi in the most painful way possible and Allen wondered why Lavi still hadn't keeled over and died. Maybe he was immortal. If it's Lavi, it wasn't impossible.

Allen also noted that the degree of Kanda's glare was getting higher and higher every time he saw Allen and Lavi together. Maybe he was finally realizing that his secret was out and Lavi was most definitely the whistle blower.

Naturally, Allen didn't fell sorry for him.

Lavi had told him that Kanda found him interesting. When Kanda told this to Lavi, the senior joked that Kanda was in love and he should most definitely become a stalker. It was cool and so Kanda-ish, after all.

Because of that, Allen wanted to kill someone. Lavi, if you want to be technical.

"Fuck you, idiot. Don't call me that." Kanda glared at Lavi but Allen didn't miss the quick glance in his direction when he said the words 'fuck' and 'you'.

PERVERTPERVERTPERVERTPERVERT!

It was the only word he kept chanting the whole time Kanda was standing almost next to him.

Lavi and Kanda talked about this and that and all Allen wanted to do was to run as far away from the Japanese as possible. Like, very far away.

"Hey, Al. Yuu and I'll be going." Lavi patted his back cheerfully and winked. At least, that's what Allen thought it was. It definitely looked like a blink because Lavi only had one visible eye, but it's the thought that counts so whatever.

Lavi dragged a reluctant and positively grumpy Kanda away from him and at times like this, Allen was grateful that he was friends with Lavi.

Allen turned back to his locker and gathered his books, wondering all the while why Kanda found him interesting. He didn't even look at the guy before this. Did he? And even if he found Allen interesting, it still was not a good reason to stalk him. So why, why, why, why, whywhyWHY!

Allen sighed, placing his books inside his bag and walking to his first morning class. He absentmindedly skipped over a foot that was meant to trip him, concluding that this case needed some proper investigation. If only Google and wikipedia could help him with this then life would be easier.

…..

Allen was surprised to learn that Lavi managed to keep Kanda away from him the whole day. It was almost a miracle in and of itself. Sometimes even if Lavi was nearly breathing behind Kanda's neck, he still manages to disappear from the red heads sight and magically appear somewhere within Allen's personal bubble.

Today, however, Allen was already out of the gates of Gray Academy and he still couldn't see any sign of long, black hair or the aura of death associated with Kanda's presence.

Even as he walked to his house, he couldn't feel any presence following him. Being used to Lavi's company for the past few days was making Allen a little anxious because of the silence.

When he turned a corner, he spotted a group of punks trying to scare an ice cream out of a terrified 7 year old girl. Heavens, don't they have any shame?

They didn't notice Allen walking in their direction and Allen took that moment to look at their faces. To his surprise, the group of punks actually looked familiar to him. He vaguely remembered them from two weeks ago.

He had been walking back home a little earlier than usual since it was only the sports festival and every one knew no body minded If you skipped classes then. The same group of wannabe bullies was trying their hands on making little babies cry and they were actually doing a good job at it. If only they weren't 17 and their victim 8, then it would have looked impressive. Sadly they were and it made them looked annoyingly pathetic in Allen's eyes.

So the most logical thing to do back then was to beat the living shit out of them. Which Allen did.

As mentioned last chapter, Allen knew how to do Kung Fu.

So he used Ashi-guruma, Kata-guruma, Sumi-otoshi, and Uki-goshi which obviously was judo techniques but whatever, it got the job done, anyway.

Allen had hoped then that the idiots finally learned their lesson but what he was witnessing right now says otherwise.

Perfect timing, though. He really wanted to kill someone, today. Lavi, to be technical, but Allen owed him too much so these guys will do.

One, two, three, four, Allen counted. Huh, they were five last time. At least one of them had a brain.

"Hey, guys!" Allen greeted cheerfully.

The punks turned at him in unison. The 7 year old brat ran, but that was okay. The following scenes would be rated NC17 for gore and blood so kids were not aloud to watch.

"Hey, it's the punk from last time." Idiot #1 exclaimed, pure loathing coating his words.

The others growled in agreement and they walked in a circle around Allen, cracking their knuckles and thinking that they got him cornered.

"I'm honored that you remembered me." Allen said, his smile getting more strained.

Idiot #2 made a hacking sound and spat at Allen's shoe.

"Don't get cocky on us, dork. You only got us by surprise last time." Idiot #3 smirked at him, pulling a small knife from his back pocket.

Cheater.

And of course, idiot #4 had to put his two cents in. "You can either scream for help or run for your life, but either way, " here he paused for dramatic effect. "You'll still get your ugly, faggot ass handed to you."

There were three things that Allen hated the most in the world.

Marian Cross

The word 'debt'

Cheaters who spits at his shoe and calls him a faggot.

Chaoji was somewhere in the top 10.

Anyway, he wasn't a faggot. That was a little harsh. He was just a little…bent, like a boomerang.

After the heart moving little speech of idiot #4, the fight was on. It was kind of anti-climactic, though. Four consecutive judo techniques later, the punks were all piles of tangled bones of crying babies on the ground.

As Allen continued on his way home, he thought that beating those guys had been a waste of time and energy. Now he needed to eat and he needed to eat now. Sadly, the only thing on his ref was half a cabbage and two eggs. Tomorrow would be pay day at his part time job, but right now, the cabbage and egg will have to do. Beggars can't be picky and he still considers himself bankrupt until he paid off Cross' debts or until he died, whichever comes first.

….

Allen thought that Lavi would never be able to surprise him more, but Allen momentarily forgot that there was this thing called irony and that irony was a bitch to anyone who ignores it.

So it was no surprise that he was surprised when the door to Black Order Noodles and Grills opened that Saturday morning to admit Lavi in.

"Allen!"

Allen didn't answer.

Lavi sat at the small bar where Allen was standing as if it was his place to be.

Allen didn't move.

"Allen?"

Allen blinked.

"Lavi…"

Lavi smiled.

"How are ya this morning?" Lavi greeted.

"Would it be pointless to ask how you knew I work here at weekends?"

"I guess." Lavi shrugged. "Aren't ya goin' to take my order?"

Allen looked at him stupidly. "What's your order?"

Lavi smiled, again. "Sorry Al, I just ate breakfast."

Allen almost lost his job when he lunged from his seat behind the bar to yank at Lavi's hair, wailing like a banshee all the while. In his defense, it was either that, or choking Lavi to death so really, Lavi should be thankful he only lost a few strands of hair.

Lavi stayed there for over an hour, just looking around and being an annoyance to Allen. Allen got his break at 11:15. He immediately pulled off his apron and ran out the back door, looking for any sign of red head as he did so. He made it safely out the back door but he felt his heart plummet down the pavement when he spotted Lavi waiving at him at the front of the Noodle and Grill house.

"You weren't running away from me, were you?"

"Yes. I was." Allen said truthfully. Lavi gasped and put a hand over his heart.

"You hurt me, Allen. I thought we were BFF."

"You thought wrong." Allen muttered lamely, too tired to feel really angry. He just wanted his life to go back to its usual boring way. Too much excitement and surprise does bad things to his heart.

"Why are you here?"

Lavi smiled and it was not the usual smile he always gave Allen. It was a serious smile and it was creeping the shit out of Allen.

"I talked to Yuu. I mean, Kanda. You know, about the stalking thing. I really tried to talk him out of it but." Lavi grabbed both of Allen's shoulder to convey just how serious things were. "Al, I'm really sorry. I did my best, but I guess my best wasn't good enough." Lavi sighed dramatically.

"…Lavi, was that-?"

"Listen. Allen. I know that you think Yuu is a…a weird, creepy…guy. But I think you shouldn't judge him just because he's stalking you. Like I said before, he doesn't mean you any harm it's just…"

"Lavi, what are you getting at? Please tell me, already. You just wasted my break time."

"You have to talk to him."

…

Say what?

"Say what?"

"You." Lavi pointed a finger at Allen. "Talk." He made hand puppet actions with both hands. "To Kanda." Lavi squinted his eyes and tried to copy Kanda's glare.

It would have been funny if it weren't for the fact that Lavi was implying something. Something that was almost close to committing suicide.

Oh no.

"Lavi, is this a prank?" He asked carefully.

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Are you on drugs?"

"Allen please! Just…just talk to him and be yourself. I think…I think Kanda is being a little confused right now."

And yeah, that really explains a lot, Lavi. Thank you very much.

And as in all stories, Lavi left him then with a pat on his shoulder and a weak smile. If he was attempting to make him feel clueless and confused, he can call it mission accomplished.

….

Allen had been too busy that week end, what with trying to make ends meet and some school work, so the only time he got to think about Lavi's suggestion was Sunday night. And what a night that was.

He only got a few hours of sleep and by the time he got to school, he almost fell asleep while walking twice.

He had to admit that talking to Kanda was the best option. He could get some answers to his questions and he could tell the guy what his thoughts about this case were. So all in all, it was like hitting two birds with one stone.

He also had to admit that Lavi wasn't as crazy as he seemed to be. It was like Lavi was doing things on purpose to achieve a goal. You wouldn't know that you were dancing on the palm of his hand until it's too late. That was kind of creepy.

The only problem with Lavi's suggestion though, was that Allen didn't know how to ask Kanda to have a private talk with him without looking like he was a fanboy about to confess his undying love.

Maybe a letter? Yeah, that was a good idea.

Dear Kanda,

Please meet me at the back of the Science building after school. We need to talk. It's not working out and I think you can't see me anymore. It's not you, it's me.

Allen looked down at his paper in horror. What. The. HELL? Why did he sound like he was breaking up with the guy? He was totally hopeless.

There was no point in writing another letter now. He would be late for his class and Kanda was not going to check his locker until lunch break so he still got some time. He carelessly threw the paper behind him.

He took two steps but was stopped from taking a third when a firm, warm hand held his shoulder. He looked around and cursed his luck because Kanda was standing there with Allen's letter in one hand and his eyes were so dark and cold and Allen was going to die!

"Let's go."

Kanda didn't seem to need Allen's approval because he was already dragging Allen away from civilization and possible witnesses to the gruesome murder that was about to happen.

All Allen could do was pray that he wouldn't die a virgin. Because, you know, that would totally suck.

Allen was trembling all over when they reached the back of the science building. Kanda let go of his shoulder and…just…stood there. Waiting.

Oh…

Oh, right.

"So…you read my letter. Heh. By the way, that uniform looks good on you."

LAME, Allen. LAME!

Kanda waited.

"Uh…Okay." Time to prove to the world that he was a manly man with a penis. A penis, DAMNIT! "So, I…kind of noticed that you've been following me around last week and, heh, you know, I'm not one to judge someone immediately by their actions. You seem like a nice guy, actually!" LIES! "What I want to say, is…that…I appreciate that you find me interesting and all but…could you…please…stop." The last word came out as a squeak that would put Allen's family name to shame. But who cares? He got everything out and he was still alive. Ha!

And then Kanda snorted.

"I think you flatter yourself too much."

Huh?

"You're actually not as interesting as you might think you are. In fact, you're pretty boring, even by human standards."

Ouch. That…that hurt.

Allen stared. Kanda didn't walk away though, like in most shoujo themed manga were the girl gets dumped by the guy of his dreams, which was fine by Allen because he was not a girl and Kanda was definitely not the man of his dreams.

Kanda still looked like he was waiting for something.

Allen's mind processed Kanda's words, finding the right emotion to reply with and when he finally did, he was this close, THIS close, from committing the most gruesome murder of the decade.

"You…YOU BASTARD! RETARDED JAPANESE! FREAKY STALKER! HOW DARE YOU CALL ME BORING WHEN MY LIFE IS MORE EXCITING THAN…THAN YOUR BORING JAPANESE PIECE OF SHIT LIFE! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT, YOU HERE ME! NO RIGHT TO TELL ME THOSE STUPID WORDS! YOU"RE STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!"

The STUPID!'s were accompanied by wild shakings of his head. Allen didn't even realize that he was crying manly tears until he tasted something salty in his mouth. He stopped.

He looked up and when he did, Allen saw the most stupefying sight in all his life. Kanda was smiling. Kanda was smiling at him. Allen was still too stunned to even register the fact that Kanda had walked until he was standing in front of Allen and he was hugging him and laughing like he just received his Christmas present 9 months earlier.

"I'm right. You're just like him."

And then, out of the blue, Kanda leaned down and kissed Allen's tears away. Like a lover.

It was all too much for Allen. When Kanda stepped away from him, Allen couldn't stop the new flood of tears that ran down his cheeks because the craziness just kept escalating more and more and…and he felt like dying.

Please let this be all a nightmare.

But Allen already learned from past experiences that the gods weren't that kind and that they found a sick kind of entertainment watching Allen's life get fucked up each passing day.

Without a word, Kanda turned his back on him and walked away. Just like that. Allen loathed him more because he got the cool exit while Allen got the role of a jilted girlfriend. Only, it seemed to be the other way around.

Now, more than ever, he felt the urge to kill someone. Lavi, technically speaking.

…

LAST FRIDAY, AFTER SCHOOL

"Yuu, just snap out of it already. Please. Allen, he's…he's not him. You know that, right?"

"Shut up."

"You're being stupid. Why can't you just move on and forget the past. I mean, it's already been two years. He's not even worth it but-."

PUNCH!

"Shut. Up."

"…Fine. Be that way. I just want you to know that in the end, you'll just be hurt. You'll both be hurt. You and Allen."

"…shut up."

=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=

I'm sorry. I really am. I'm feeling kind of down right now and I really tried to make it funny but I just can't. I even had to read lots of crack fanfics to lighten my mood but…sorry.

Anyway, I'm not sure if I can get the next chapter up by next week. I have exams and I need to study. Urgh.

Thanks to all the reviewers. As always, you guys are my sun, my air, my STEROIDS!...uh,sorry.

I can't get the names all here because the internet is kind of blah. You know who you are!

And thank you to the guys who told me that they will still read my story even though it's Yullen and most readers find Yullen boring.

By the way, the first and last parts are flashbacks, I don't like reading or writing in Italic so, yeah. I think it's kind of obvious, though. And the story is getting a little confusing. I don't even know what I'll write next chapter.

So, see you next chapter!

STEP 4: GIVE SUBTLE HINTS THAT YOU WANT HIM TO STOP