It wasn't bullshit. It was all we were. Best friends.

"While you wait for your little princess to awaken, I'm going to tell you about this cookie dough I'm making since Tori doesn't give a shit about anything I say. See, I loaded it with Kit-Kats because I'm totally pmsing, and I just want chocolate all the time. I can't get enough of it. I mean, I should probably stop because I'm packin' on the pounds, but seriously. Look at me. What could a few extra pounds do? Make my boobs bigger? Because let's face it. My stomach is perfect, and my ass is, too," she shrugged dramatically, "So who cares if I eat a couple 24 packs of Kit-Kats? They're on sale anyway. All candy is. You know, because they do that when Halloween ends. But Christmas is coming up, so that means all the candy is going to be over priced yet again. But I don't think I really have to worry about that, because I know the cashier that works at the dollar store. So I can get everything for free by just wearing a v-neck shirt. Hey- hey are you listening to me?"

I was listening. I always listened when people talked, because it was the polite thing to do. Was I interested? No, not at all. I was watching Tori breathe slowly, in and out. Each and every breath had it's own unique amount of air, blowing a piece of hair that happened to be right in front of her slightly open mouth.

"Yeah. I'm listening." I nodded to Trina. "Hey. Do you think Tori would mind if I went and looked for those songs you said she'd been writing?"

"Nah," Trina shrugged again, "They should be in her room somewhere."

I walked up the stairs and then to Tori's room. The door was closed but unlocked, so I went inside. It was messier than usual. Even though I'd only been in there a couple times before, I knew she was neater than this. Clothes were all over the floor, and her bag was on her bed. All her school books hung out of it messily, papers and pens lost between the sheets.

I looked around, flipping through some of the loose papers on her bed, but none had lyrics on them. Trina was right about Tori's writing skills. Sure, the girl could sing, but when it came to words… well. Let's just say she's not the most reliable dictionary out there.

I found a book. It was a blank journal, kind of like a small sketch pad, and it was tied shut with a string. It was really old-fashioned looking, and really beautiful in it's own way. I sat on her bed, holding it on my lap for a while, just looking at it. I could tell it was new but used a ton. I figured it was what Tori was scribbling her songs into, and I suddenly felt bad for going through her things.

I sat on her bed for a few moments longer. I glanced over at her pillow, realizing this was where she slept each night. This was where she sat while video chatting with me so many times. This is where she cries when she's sad, and this is where she does herself up every morning for school – trying to enhance her beauty but not realizing she's beautiful without all the makeup and cute clothes.

Not that I think she's beautiful without clothes on.

Well I'm sure she is.

But that's not what I meant. At all.

I'd never think of Tori in that way. Well I would, but.

Anyway. I found myself organizing her things, putting her papers into her binder and fitting everything back into her bag. I picked up her clothes, put them in a pile near the door to take to the hamper for her, I made her bed, and then placed the journal on her pillow. She had some jewelry all over her desk, but I put it in her jewelry box and blew dust off it.

I picked up the pile of clothes and started walking towards the hamper down the hall. I knew her house too well. I dropped a couple things on the way there, but I kept going. Dumping the pile into the hamper, I turned around to go pick up the things I dropped. A sock, another sock, a bra, and a thong.

My stomach twisted into a knot and I couldn't help but look. Pink, lace, and zebra print. The thong and bra were a set. I turned back around to walk back to the hamper again, and saw Tori in front of me, rubbing her eyes sleepily.

"What are you doing here and why are you holding my underwear," she said it monotonously. She didn't seem mad, but she didn't seem happy either.

"I cleaned your room for you, and I was putting your laundry in the hamper, and – well. Um. Cute panties, Cupcake." I tried to smile flirtatiously at her like I usually did when I'd joke around with her, but I felt an unfamiliar nervousness take over my body. I felt my cheeks get hot.

"You went in my room?" Her eyes grew wide, she grabbed my shoulder, pushed me to the side, and ran past me straight for her room. "What did you do?"

"I just cleaned it!" I ran to the hamper, threw the underwear in it, and then back to her room. "I organized your things, and-"

"Did you read this." She picked up the journal, waved it in my face, and then screamed, "did you read this!"

"No! Tori, I was just trying to be helpful, I swear I didn't…"

"These are my things, this is my room. Don't look at my journal, don't look at my thongs, don't look at my bras, don't watch me drool. Yeah, that's right, buddy. Trina told me you were watching me fucking drool on the couch." She threw her journal onto the bed and angrily pushed her hair back. "You know, I have feelings too!"

I stood there, speechless, as she stomped around her room. She took off her sweater, throwing it against the wall, watching it fall to the ground not nearly as hard as she wanted it to. She was wearing a small tank top, just enough to cover up her body.

I didn't know if I should leave or try to apologize. I was at a loss of words. Sometimes she got mad in school, but there was always a little bit of humor behind her anger, like when Jade messed with her. No matter how many times she'd shout, "I don't talk like that!", we all knew that she liked Jade's imitation.

So I stood there in the doorframe, my hand resting awkwardly on the doorknob between closing the door shut and opening it to leave. She wasn't facing me anymore, and assuming I left, started to take off her sweatpants. Half of me wanted to stay and watch because I was curious beyond belief at what exactly she was doing, but the other half knew that it was right to leave now.

My curiosity won, so I stood there longer, watching her pull off her sweats. She threw them in the same direction as her sweater, more forceful this time. She was wearing boxers, which she apparently didn't mind me seeing her in, because she then turned to face me, staring at me with her hands on her hips.

"Why are you still here? I told you I didn't wanna hang out tonight," she kicked off her socks. "And I still don't want to."

I was staring right back at her. My eyes wandered aimlessly from hers, down her body, to her boxers. They weren't girl-boxers. They were boy boxers. Like real boy boxers. Like the ones that I wear, and Beck wears, and Robbie sometimes wears. They were black with small white whales scattered around on them. But they looked familiar, and suddenly jealously overwhelmed me.

"Whose boxers are you wearing?" I snapped, closing the door behind me, and walking up to her quickly. "Who did you sleep with? Is it a guy that's making you feel this way, like Trina said? Is someone hurting you?"

Everything went through my mind. I figured it out, or at least I thought I did. My theory seemed pretty legit, and I wanted to know everything. She was sleeping with someone, a friends with benefits type thing. And she was in love with him, but he wasn't in love with her, and it was killing her. That had to be it, I knew it.

I stomped my foot down. "Tell me his name, and I'll take care of him. You know that!"

And then I realized what I had just thought. If it was true, that meant she was in love with someone else. And the chance of me ever being more than friends with her suddenly shattered again, and again, and again, into even smaller pieces than it already was.

"Andre, I didn't sleep with anyone." She laughed quietly. "These are my boxers."

"But I've seen them before. I know I have." I stared at them longer, going through every single guy I knew in my head. "I swear, I've seen them before."

"Well, they're mine, so." She shrugged. "Really, though. It's cool that you're concerned about me, but I'm not in the mood to hang out tonight."

"Why, though? We always hang out, and suddenly you're all depressed and angry, don't want to hang out with me, and you won't even tell me what's going on in your head?" I tapped my fingers on her head softly. "Come on. I thought we were best friends."

I hated saying it. I really did. So much. Best friends, best friends, best friends. "Andre, is that your girlfriend?" My grandma would ask when she was slightly sane. "No, we're just best friends," I'd say, over and over. "Well she's a pretty little thing, don't let go of her."

"I know we're best friends," she answered, rubbing her head where I had tapped her. "I'll call you later, though. I'm sorry." She sat on her bed, with this incredible sadness smeared across her face. I wanted to help but I didn't know how. "Thanks for cleaning my room, by the way. Sorry I freaked out."

"Stop saying sorry, Tori." I sighed. "I'm sorry that I can't make you feel better."

"Don't be."

I smiled at her before I left her room. She smiled back, her tiny lips barely curved at all. There was a glare in her glasses, but I could see her eyes still. They were so deep, so full of secrets and feelings that I would never get to know unless she'd just fucking open up to me.

I passed Trina on the way down the stairs. She was bringing a plate of freshly baked cookies up. "Think Tori will appreciate these?"

"Maybe." I shrugged. "She's all into Hungry Girl and dieting right now, though."

"I know. She's such a freak." Trina laughed, "I'll force feed her if I have to. She'll never have babies like these unless she eats!" She looked down at her chest. I looked away.

I left her house and started driving home. That's when it hit me. Black with white whales. When we were studying how to act as insane characters in class, Sikowitz made us read the book One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest. Sinjin became insanely obsessed with the book and all the characters. One of the characters had boxers that were black with white whales, and he had Cat search for them on the internet. She found them, and he ordered them. And then I saw them on him when he was changing in the locker room.

Tori was wearing Sinjin's boxers.

I pulled over to the side of the road, thinking long and hard. Why would Tori be wearing Sinjin's boxers? Why on earth would she be wearing his boxers?