Author's Note: This is set after Kurt and Blaine leave High School. (lol Blaine is apparently younger than Kurt according to canon now, welp not in this story~) It sort of self explanatory: Kurt and Blaine broke up, but obviously still love each other. Kurt deal with it in a really terrible way and almost loses himself completely. Blaine is beginning to follow a different type of self-destructive path. Certain events may start to change Kurt's attitude...for awhile.

(This will hopefully only end up being three or four parts, each just as long as the first. It has a really, really tragic ending planned.)

Warnings: detailed sex, use of alcohol and drugs, possible self-harm, rape, abuse, could be triggering

My stories usually aren't like this! I hope you enjoy if you're into this angsty stuff!

"I don't understand why we can't just live together."

"Because…as much as I do love you, I feel like we would get on each other's nerves too much."

"It's me. I'm going to get on your nerves that's what it is. You can tell me."

"No, it isn't. I need privacy."

"If you're talking about you and Blaine… I fully understand. I intend to keep myself busy anyway. The two of you will have plenty of time –"

"Blaine and I aren't dating."

"You two are something. "

"Well, that has nothing to do with my living arrangement, I swear to you."

"Fine! I'll just stay in the dorms… I need to meet my own girl friends anyway, I guess. I want to have college friends to keep in touch with, like I have Glee Club friends. We can still hang out and go to shows and have sleep-overs! Right?"

"Of course we can, Rachel."

Kurt went against his dad's wishes and began renting an apartment. He lived alone, because, frankly, he didn't want anyone else in his business. He felt terrible for telling Rachel no, but she didn't need to be exposed to what Kurt took part in. He was sure college must have toughened her up a little, but she was not ready for this.

"Back again, Hummel?" Mitchel asked.

Kurt smirked. "Wouldn't miss this for the world."

Blaine couldn't handle it anymore. Summer was over. His beautiful bliss-filled days with Kurt were over.

He and his new roommate nothing in common and rarely spoke. His roommate went home every weekend. It was lonely. He had his friends, but they often did things without inviting Blaine. He caught onto it quickly.

Saturday night, Blaine was tired of playing guitar. He placed it against the wall. He picked up his phone to call Kurt, but knew better. Kurt was out having the time of his life.

Without Blaine.

He went into the bathroom and pulled the blade out of his razor. He studied it, the way the light reflected off of it. He looked at his reflection in the mirror. His hair was loose and there were curls everywhere. He needed to shave, he needed to sleep. His cheeks were hollow and his lips were chapped.

He held his wrist out and took the blade across it. It stung, but it felt good. He watched the blood drip from his fresh wound, down his arm.

Kurt had intended on introducing Rachel to Mitchel, because Mitchel was the closest thing to nice and normal Kurt knew in New York, but he was kind of like the Noah Puckerman of gay men and not what Kurt would usually hang out with. He didn't know how else to tell her than introduce them.

"Rachel, this is my friend Mitchel Sawyer," Kurt said. "Mitchel, this is Rachel Berry, my friend from Lima. She has big Broadway dreams too, and boy, is she talented."

Rachel was for once, at a loss for words. The 'boy' that Kurt was introducing her to must've been twenty-five. He had shaggy blond hair, a five o-clock shadow, and a cigarette hanging between his lips. Not to mention he was wearing a leather jacket. She wondered if he had a tattoo too.

"Hi Rachel," Mitchel said. "Welcome to New York."

"Um, hello there," she smiled timidly. "It may seem that coming from a small town I've never been to New York. I have! Three times before this."

"Yes, but you've never lived here."

"I'm 100% focused on my dreams. I don't think it will be an unpleasant experience."

"Hm," Mitchel caught Kurt's eye and smirked.

"So, are we going to have coffee or stand out here all day?" Kurt asked. "Let's go!"

"I'm finishing my cigarette," Mitchel said.

"We'll be inside."

Kurt led Rachel to his favorite table, by the window, where everything going on outside was visible. The coffee shop was so lovely and nice compared to the usual places Kurt was hanging out at. He forgot how much he loved the simple pleasure of coffee with a friend. Maybe having Rachel there was the best thing that could've happened.

"Um, I don't mean to be rude…"

"Yet, you usually are," Kurt said, breaking out of thought.

"What are you doing hanging out with people like that?" Rachel asked.

"He's a really nice guy, Rachel! Sure, a boy in a leather jacket with a cigarette looks bad, but he's not!"

"Tell me he's strictly a friend."

"For the most part," Kurt muttered.

"What does that mean?"

Kurt shushed her, because Mitchel was on his way inside. He sat next to Kurt and smiled at Rachel. "If I didn't know better, I'd think you guys were talking about me," he said.

Kurt laughed, "Maybe a little. Rachel here is just startled by your bad boy façade."

"You think I'm bad?" Mitchel laughed. "Rachel, you've got a lot to learn."

She didn't prefer being told she didn't know things. She clutched her cup of coffee and smiled a strained smile at both of them. "Excuse me for just a moment," she said. "My phone is vibrating, my dads are calling."

Mitchel watched her walk away. "She's sweet."

"Yeah, no. She's a bitch, but in a very effective, helpful way. That's why I think she'll make it out here."

"But she's not exposed…"

"And we're not exposing her. I don't want her to know about my life."

Blaine was drinking socially, with his friends. He was having fun. Everything was fine just fine. He was dancing, with boys and girls, all in good fun. He was singing, and singing felt really nice, being complimented on his singing felt nice. All was going well.

"I don't want to be here," Blaine said.

Jeff made a face. "What are you talking about?"

"Not, no! Here with you guys is fine. I'm having fun. I just hate this school," he sighed.

"Why?" Justin asked.

"I'm not into this whole classy, Ivy League thing. It's like, people around here think they're so much better than everyone else. I hate it! I just want to sing," Blaine tried to explain.

"I kind of get what you mean about the people," Jeff said. "I know you love to sing, but come on, be realistic. What kind of living can you make rom singing?"

"I don't know, lots if you look into it…" Blaine said, looking at his lap.

"Be realistic, that's all I'm saying." Jeff shrugged. Blaine rolled his eyes, because that sounded so much like his parents.

"He wants to go to New York with that boy he's always texting," Justin said.

Blaine's head shot up. "So what?"

"I've seen this guy, Blaine. He's super good-looking," Justin said.

"And…"

"Way out of your league."

Blaine furrowed his eyebrows. "We dated for two years."

"In high school, right?" Justin asked. "And you're still not over it?"

"You don't know shit!" Blaine exclaimed. He jumped to his feet.

"Really? I've seen your god-awful skype sessions. I've heard your drunken stories."

"Shut your mouth."

"You're not over him, and he's holding you by a string because you'd do anything for him."

Blaine didn't know what had come over him, but he hauled off and punched Justin. Hard. Justin stood up quickly and swung at Blaine, hitting him directly in the eye. While Blaine was stunned, he hit him again. And again. Blaine quickly fell to the floor, alcohol induced and unbalanced.

Someone pulled Justin off and Jeff took Blaine back to his dorm.

Kurt frisked across the dance floor, running his hand across certain people, getting a number of second glances. A man grabbed Kurt's hand back. He turned back to face him and raised his eyebrows. The man smiled at him and gestured for him to come and dance. Kurt shrugged and joined him. He was cute, tan and blonde. He leaned close to Kurt's neck, "Hi, I'm Brad. What's your name?"

"Kurt," he replied simply, just a little flustered.

"Are you from around here?"

"No, I just go to college here. I plan on staying here though."

"Where are you from?"

"Ohio."

"Really? I have a cousin in Ohio."

"What part?"

"Cincinnati."

"I'm closer to Columbus." Kurt had no idea why he was actually interested in getting to know this guy. He was letting his defenses down and telling him things.

"I see." He leaned away from Kurt and looked him up and down. "Mind if I…" He held his hands out to close in around Kurt's waist.

Kurt nodded and moved closer. "So, where are you from?"

"Boston. I'm here on a business meeting."

"Oh, nice." Kurt knew there were various types of business. This man was dressed nice, and Kurt doubted it was the bad kind.

The two danced, more cleanly than Kurt usually danced with a guy. They danced for a really long while before they were breathing hard. Kurt wasn't one to usually hide the fact that he was getting turned on, but for some reason he didn't want to be easy tonight. He was up for playing a little hard to get.

He started to pull away.

Brad grabbed Kurt's arm, "Where are you going?"

"To get a drink."

"I'll buy."

xxx

Brad was the first guy who Kurt didn't sleep with after finding them attractive in a club. They had gone home together (well, to Brad's hotel), but it was cuddling… Kurt was foreign to waking up with a t-shirt and underwear still on and intact. His arm was draped over the other boy, who was also still wearing a shirt. Kurt remembered the night too clearly. Maybe this was something of a good sign. He snuggled closer to this Brad guy.

"You awake?"

"Yes," Kurt said.

"Good, I can take you to breakfast then."

xxx

For the entire week and a half that Brad was in New York, he and Kurt met up. They went for drinks (that Kurt failed to mention he wasn't allowed to have), went for movies, and even caught a showing of a Le Mis revival. It had been such a long time since Kurt had been treated with dignity by someone other than Blaine. Brad was so nice, and not to mention he had money. He was twenty five and already a business man and God, he smelled so good.

Of course, they ended up having sex. It was some of the best sex that Kurt had had (other than with Blaine). He actually wanted to look at Kurt while they did it. He wanted to touch, to love, to feel. Kurt had forgotten how he loved romanticism.

But Brad had to leave. He had to leave and Kurt didn't think that was fair. Boston wasn't that far away, but Kurt couldn't take the idea of being away from the person he was in a relationship with. He would end up hurting them. That was part of why he wasn't with Blaine.

Another problem, as it was in every relationship, was Blaine. All he did was compare Brad to Blaine. All he did was think of Blaine. Blaine, Blaine…

So after Brad left, and he promised he would call, he never did.

Thunder boomed quietly in the distance. The air was thick with humidity, especially for October. A line of sweat went down Blaine's forehead. Not being allowed to open windows was never more of an issue.

"Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck…" Kurt hissed as he lowed himself onto Blaine's hard cock. He adjusted himself comfortably, causing many moans to eject from Blaine. Kurt spread his palm on Blaine's slick, sweat-covered chest. He lifted himself, and then lowered himself, slowly at first.

Blaine couldn't help himself any longer. He gripped Kurt's hips and moved him, faster and faster, until Kurt finally caught on. He cursed himself for being so demanding, but he'd been away from Kurt for two months, and hadn't even been able to touch another man, let alone do anything sexual.

A louder clap of thunder boomed.

The sound of skin on skin, and their loud moans filled the dorm room. Blaine found that he didn't much care if anyone could hear them or not, and arched his back, thrusting into Kurt at another angle. Kurt cried out and moved up and down, as Blaine hit the beautiful bundle of nerves. He reached for his aching erection and stroked with his sweaty hand. He felt the burning in his lower stomach, and took a moment to appreciate the fact that it was Blaine making him feel this way, before he went over the edge. He was seeing stars, arching his back, as he came all over Blaine's stomach.

The sight of Kurt coming was so beautiful; Blaine was momentarily in awe, until he felt his own stomach burning. He gripped Kurt tight, lifted him and lowered him and then, he was coming too. He had never appreciated his roommate's absence more than today.

Kurt crawled off of Blaine. He took a t-shirt and wiped them off, then threw it back in its place on the ground. He took advantage of being able to cuddle and crawled into Blaine's arms.

"You're sweaty and it's gross," Kurt commented, as a strike of lightening lit up the room.

"You are too," Blaine replied bitterly. He had expected something a little bit nicer after the amazing sex they had just had.

"I forgive you though, because damn, I do love your cock," Kurt said.

Blaine stared at the ceiling and loosened his grip on Kurt.

Another flash of lightening illuminated Blaine's features. He looked upset, Kurt thought. Kurt was glad because he was also upset.

"Rachel asked me if I was going to see you," Kurt said.

"Did she…?" Blaine replied, with no hint of interest in his voice.

"She did," Kurt said. "She thinks that I'm still in love with you, and you're still in love with me."

"Hm..." Blaine's chest ached so much with the hope that could lie at the end of that. He was in love with Kurt, so deeply in love with Kurt that he couldn't function properly without him. He'd taken to cutting himself on nights that he felt lonely and couldn't get ahold of Kurt. It had been awhile, but it was visible. But did Kurt even notice the scars? The old scabs? No.

Rain started to pour down, heavy against the roof and windows. A clap of thunder sounded.

"She knows me too well," Kurt whispered. "I just can't stay away from you, damn it."

"Do you want to be away from me?" Blaine asked, hoping to make Kurt think, to go deep, to admit things that he didn't want to admit more than he already had with those words.

"No…" Kurt said quietly. "Never."

"How was Blaine?" Rachel asked, smirking.

Kurt rolled his eyes. "Fine…"

Rachel giggled, "Long distance relationships," she sighed longingly, "So lonely, yet so utterly satisfying once you see the other person again."

"We're not in a relationship," Kurt said picking at his food.

"Oh, really? Then may I ask, why, Mr. Hummel, do I spy a hickey on your lower neck?"

Kurt pulled his collar up. "Oh, shut up."

Rachel smiled her 'I love being right' smile. "That's what I thought."

"Anyway…"

"Yeah, anyway," Rachel sipped her coffee, "I was thinking we could spend the night together! Boys are allowed in my dorm on Friday nights."

"Um, I have other plans," Kurt said.

"Oh…" Rachel's face fell.

"…It was supposed to be a small get-together at my place. You're welcome to come."

"Why wasn't I invited in the first place?" Rachel asked, unafraid of making Kurt feel any worse than he was making her feel.

"I didn't think you'd be interested in my…crowd."

"Theater people? Singers? Gay men? Come on, Kurt, you really didn't think I would?"

Kurt felt his throat tighten. That should be his crowd. Stereotypical gay males and females who love theater, singing, or at least fashion… But he'd already fucked his way through that group of gay males, even convinced the one prude. At this point, he was hanging out with people who were interested in sex, partying and sometimes hard drugs. He felt shame run through his body.

Xx

Rachel looked terribly out of place, with her argyle sweater and penny loafers. Her eyes were wide and her body tense with nerves. She'd thought the one party that she threw was out of control. This made that look very tame. There were dim lights, dubstep beats, a variety of alcoholic beverages (much fancier than what her dads drank) glitter, and boys…lots and lots of boys, all attracted at the mouth or…at least somewhere involving their mouth and a body part. The worst part was, she was at Kurt's apartment and had lost Kurt.

Little did she know, he was in the middle of a very heated threesome inside his bedroom.

She slipped out and couldn't help being worried. She called Finn and told him what happened.

"Kurt?"

"Hi…Finn." Kurt wiped some of the charcoal away from his eyes. "I wasn't expecting you so early." He yawned. "Come in."

"It's…2 o'clock."

"Is it?" Kurt yawned again. "I'm really sorry about this… I got carried away last night. I'll be out of the shower in a couple of minutes."

"Rachel told me you invited her to a party last week, at your own house, then ditched her."

Kurt looked down at his feet. "That…got carried away as well…"

"Yeah, it seems like you're partying a lot here."

"Don't tell Dad, please…"

Blaine was lonely. He found himself crying, and he became even more upset with himself for crying. He shut himself inside the bathroom and slumped against the wall. He selected Kurt's number.

Ring.

Ring.

Ring.

Ring.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Kurt," Blaine said, smiling through his tears.

"Blaine, are you crying…?" Kurt asked quietly.

"Yeah, I am," Blaine laughed a little. "Silly, isn't it?"

"What's wrong?" Kurt asked.

"Everything is so fucked up."

"What do you mean?"

"Everything is wrong." He laughed bitterly. "We're apart."

"Blaine…"

"I miss you," Blaine said, a small sob broke through.

Kurt was silent.

"Fuck! Kurt, I'm so pathetic."

"No, no…you're not."

"I am. I'm a disappointment to my parents, I'm not good enough for you and I'm too weak to say no to you, I can't stay in a stable relationship."

"Blaine…"

"If I just…just disappeared, no one would really care."

"Don't talk like that."

"Here I go again, being pathetic." He sniffed. "I'm sorry. Like, I shouldn't do this to you."

"It's okay…"

"Bye, Kurt."

Kurt wasn't able to talk very well, nor able to walk without falling. He was still doing his best to get away from a man, but ended up having to use the man for support. The man was being handsy and Kurt… really wasn't feeling up to that.

Mitchel was observing the situation carefully. This man was probably 20 years older than Kurt. It was really, really starting to piss Mitchel off. Yes, he was older than Kurt too, but he took care of Kurt. He would never try and make Kurt do that and certainly not in public.

"I think that's enough," Mitchel said, approaching the situation.

"Who the fuck do you think you are?" asked the man.

"Well, I happen to be his boyfriend."

Kurt was staring at Mitchel in disbelief.

"Well, tough shit, looks like he would rather be with me," the man said, and pulled Kurt towards him.

"No, I shood realllly go," Kurt said, angry with himself for sounding so silly. This was not the time for sounding silly.

"No way, you're not going," the man said.

Mitchel didn't like the way that this guy was handling Kurt. He didn't like the tone this guy was taking. He didn't like that he refused Kurt's demand. So, he hauled off and punched him.

While the man was momentarily shocked, Mitchel took the opportunity to lead Kurt away.

"I jus wanna go home," Kurt said.

"I'm going to take you to my apartment, okay?" Mitchel asked.

"No, I wanna go to Ohio. I wanna see my dad," Kurt said. He clung onto Mitchel's arm for dear life.

"That's not going to happen tonight," Mitchel said. "But I swear to you, if you still want to go tomorrow, I'll drive you there."

Kurt didn't say anything. He felt too sick to talk anymore. He wanted to be with someone familiar. He felt dizzy and lonely and sleepy.

"How much did you drink tonight?" Mitchel asked during the cab ride.

"I couned four, and one shot," Kurt replied.

"What else did you take tonight?" Mitchel asked, stroking Kurt's hair.

"Nofing,"Kurt said. "I swear, I dinnt wanna do this."

"Someone must've slipped you something," Mitchel said.

Xxx

Kurt's phone had rung 3 times, and it was all from this Blaine Anderson fellow. The fourth time, Mitchel answered the phone.

"Hi, Kurt is not available for speaking at the present time. May I help you?"

"Who are you?"

"Mitchel."

"Why can't I talk to Kurt?"

"He's sleeping."

"Really?" Blaine asked, in a very snappy voice.

"Yes, he is."

"It's 3 o'clock in the afternoon."

"I'm fully aware. He's not well."

"What's wrong with him?"

"He has a really bad hangover."

"Oh."

"Did you need something?"

"Not particularly, no."

"Would you like me to tell Kurt that you've called?"

"Are you his boyfriend?"

"Is that really any of your concern?"

"Yes. I think it is. I happen to care very much about Kurt and I was curious as to why anyone else would answer his phone."

"I told you already."

"I know that Kurt drinks a lot, so why is his hangover any worse right now than usual?"

"I think because someone slipped him something in his drink."

"Someone? You?"

"Let's get something really clear here, Mr. Anderson. I don't know who the fuck you are, but you don't know me. I would never do that to anyone, especially not Kurt. I recognize your name. You texted Kurt the first time I ever met him, probably about a year ago. I guess you've known him longer or whatever, but don't accuse me, you got it?"

"I – sorry."

"Good. Now, is there something you wanted?"

"I just…wanted to talk to him."

"I would wake him up, but he had a rough night."

"What happened?"

"Maybe I shouldn't tell you."

"…You can't bring it up and then not tell me."

"I guess that is a pretty shitty thing to do. Fine, I don't know, really. He was acting weirder than usual. It was sort of like he suddenly had a 'I want to go home' thing happening, then he was throwing up like crazy. I just assume that someone slipped him something that made him sick."

"Can you please have him call me when he wakes up?"

"I…could do that."

"You seem to be taking good care of Kurt."

"Yeah, I've really grown fond of him."

"You don't look so good."

Blaine played with the sleeves of his sweater. "I don't feel so good lately."

"I'm sorry to hear that," Jeff replied. He grabbed Blaine's arm and gave it a squeeze.

Blaine panicked for a second, thinking maybe he knew, that he was going to rip Blaine's arm toward him and lift the sleeve to reveal the nastiness. How could he though? No one cared enough to know.

"Sorry about not rooming with you," Jeff said. "It's just…"

"I know," Blaine said. "It's fine."

"Blaine, I'm really worried about you and so are the rest of the guys. You check your phone obsessively. You cancel plans because of Skype sessions… You two aren't even together."

"I know…"

"It's not healthy."

"I can't help it."

"Well, I think it's lousy of him to do this to you."

"It is."

"Then stop it. Break it off."

"I can't."

"This is what's worrying me. You don't need him to survive, Blaine!"

"Yeah, but I think he needs me too."

"He'll get what he deserves."

"Maybe…"

"Don't act so depressed, I sat you up on a blind date."

"What! No, Jeff, no…"

"Just go, please!"

"I can't."

"You can."

It ended up that Blaine really enjoyed his 'blind date', that wasn't actually so blind. His name was Jacob, and Blaine had a class with him. They laughed and talked. When the date drew to a close, they made-out. Heavily. And it felt nice.

"How much do you want?"

Kurt looked at his lap. No one had ever asked him that. Sometimes, they'd give him money, but never asked him for a price. He didn't know if he should be ashamed or flattered.

"Twenty will do," Kurt said.

"Only twenty for a blow job? Cheap," the man said.

Kurt was revolted by the idea of giving this man a blow job. He wasn't drunk enough for that. He swallowed his pride and did it anyway.

Kurt woke to the sound of his phone vibrating against the table. He stretched and reached for it.

Finn

"Hello?"

"Kurt! It's your dad."

"What?" Kurt sat up straight, aches, pains and all.

"He was rushed to the hospital last night, having chest pains. He had a minor heart attack."

"Is he alive? Is everything okay?" Kurt asked, his voice panicked and laced with tears.

"He's fine, now. Still in the hospital. They took him out of intensive care this morning."

"Oh my God…" Kurt whispered. "I have to see him."

Hospitals were Kurt's least favorite place. The doctor was attempting to explain to Kurt what had happened, but Kurt didn't understand. All he knew was his dad was in the hospital again. At least he was conscious this time.

"Why did no one call me as soon as this happened?" Kurt demanded, unable to stand his dad lying there with tubes and I.V.s.

"I was sort of busy calling 911," Carole said.

Kurt rolled his eyes. Okay, so everyone else was going to be just as rude as he was being about this whole situation.

"I didn't want you coming all the way here on a count of me," his father spoke up.

"You're my father and I love you," Kurt said. "Of course I was going to come."

"That's why I asked no one to tell you."

"But I knew you'd be pissed if you found out some other way, so I called you anyway," Finn said. "And you're still pissed…so…"

"I really don't need your attitude right now, Finn, thanks," Kurt crossed his arms. "Just one year without me feeding you…" He mumbled to his dad.

"Well, it looks like now-a-days if you were feeding me, I'd starve," his father said, "You're skin and bones, kid."

Kurt looked down at himself out of habit. He didn't say anything.

"I'm going to go grab some lunch," Carole said, "Why don't you come along, Finn? I'll bring you something back, Kurt."

Kurt watched as his step-mother and brother walked out of the room, leaving Kurt alone with his father. The room was silent except for the heart monitor, which sounded abnormal. His father had some sort of arrhythmia that Kurt couldn't remember the name of.

"Take a seat, take a load off, kid," his dad said.

Kurt sighed and did as he was told.

"What's up?" his father asked, as if they were back at home, after a rough day of school.

"Nothing."

"You look sick."

"You do too."

His father actually laughed.

Kurt crossed his arms.

"Lighten up," his father told him.

"It's hard to lighten up in this type of situation," Kurt replied.

"If I can, surely you can."

Kurt considered this for a moment.

"Is it Blaine? Is the long distance thing not working for you two?" his father asked.

"Why does everyone always think its Blaine?" Kurt groaned. "We aren't even together."

"Well, it seemed like you two were together this summer."

"Sort of," Kurt said. "It was a summer thing. Maybe that was a stupid idea."

"So it is Blaine."

"It always roots back to Blaine."

"Is your dad okay?" Blaine asked.

"Yes," Kurt replied, staring out the window.

"Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes," Kurt whispered.

"What?"

"Fuck me senseless."

"Kurt…I have a boyfriend."

"Please, Blaine?" Kurt asked, turning to face Blaine. There were tears in his eyes.

"I…can't."

"You want to though," Kurt reminded him.

Blaine felt like he was physically being torn in half. His heart was aching. It would be wrong for him to do this. "Kurt…"

"Please?" Kurt was actually begging.

Blaine sighed. He covered his face with his hands. "I have to go."

"No, no you don't," Kurt said. He tugged on Blaine's arm.

"Kurt, stop."

Kurt's grip slid down to Blaine's wrist. Blaine winced and jerked his hand away from Kurt quickly.

"What's wrong with your wrist?" Kurt asked.

"Nothing, it just….hurts."

Kurt reached for Blaine's arm, which was securely against his chest. In return, Blaine grabbed Kurt's hand. Their eyes locked. Slowly, Blaine inched forward until his lips met Kurt's. He locked their fingers and let his other hand grasp Kurt's cheek.

Kurt responded to the kiss by sliding his tongue past Blaine's lips. He realized that Blaine was trying to distract him from the earlier questioning. He snaked his arm around Blaine's waist and pulled him closer, allowing Blaine to think it was distracting him.

Blaine moaned and allowed Kurt's tongue to explore his mouth, run against the back of his teeth and press to his tongue. Blaine's fingertips pressed into Kurt's neck.

Soon, clothes were shed fervently. Kurt was straddling Blaine. Blaine was forgetting all about Jacob and all about how this was supposed to be distracting Kurt, but clearly remembering Kurt's earlier demand. He grinded upward against Kurt's erection, loving Kurt's high-pitched response, knowing he was the one causing it. Kurt leaned down and kissed Blaine's neck, along his collarbone.

Blaine threw his arms out beside him and let out a throaty moan.

Kurt sat up and looked Blaine over. He ran his hand along Blaine's chest. "Shouldn't this be the – " He was horrified. Both of Blaine's wrists were scabbed and scrapped. "Blaine, what the fuck?"

"What, baby?" Blaine started to sit up.

Kurt got off of Blaine and sat on the edge of the bed.

Quickly, Blaine realized what Kurt had seen. He cursed himself for falling into Kurt's trick. He felt ashamed, for both things. "Kurt…"

"Why?" Kurt's voice was coated with tears.

"I…don't know how to deal with things," Blaine said quietly. He sat up.

"You can't just do that to yourself!" Kurt cried.

"I could say the same thing about what you're doing to yourself!" Blaine exclaimed.

"It's not the same!"

"It is! I handle my stress by hurting myself, and so do you!"

"I party, but I don't…" Kurt buried his face in his hands. "Please, Blaine…"

"Please what?" Blaine asked quietly.

"Don't do that!" Kurt cried. "Don't hurt yourself!"

"I could ask you to make the same commitment."

"Stop! It's not the same!" Kurt exclaimed. He let a sob wrack through his body.

"Calm down…" Blaine said quietly.

Kurt shook his head. "This is all my fault."

"No, Kurt…"

"Everything is my fault. I'm sorry I didn't leave you alone…" Kurt said, tears streaming down his face. "I'm sorry that I act like a whore and neglected coming home. You're hurt and my dad's sick and it's all my fault."

"Listen, Kurt," Blaine blinked back tears, "it's not your fault. I can't handle my stress properly, that isn't your fault. And your dad, Kurt, things like that are years upon years of bad health and family heredity. You can't blame yourself for the inevitable."

"I…I guess I could be overreacting…" Kurt sniffed and wiped his eyes. "God, what am I doing…? What am I doing to you?"

"I told you it's not your fault. It's…lots of things."

"Like what?" Kurt asked.

"Family…self-worth…loneliness…"

"Blaine, you are worth so much more than that," Kurt grabbed Blaine's hands and held them in his own. He looked into Blaine's eyes as he spoke. "You're worth so much more than these stupid hook-ups with me, than listening to your parents tell you what to do, than letting people push you around. You're worth twenty of me, so…don't just, don't." He placed a light kiss on both of Blaine's wrists.

There were tears streaming down Blaine's face. He was still looking at Kurt, at a total loss for words. It was too much. He wanted Kurt, but knew that everything about this was unhealthy. "I…just, I love you," he said quietly.

"I love you too," Kurt whispered, "which is why I should stop putting you through this. I'm sorry that I tried to make you have sex with me."

"It's okay…"

"No, it's not. You have a boyfriend…I should respect that."

"I don't care," Blaine said, a small sob hiccupping afterwards.

Their lips met with a wicked intensity. Breathing was already rushed, and tears were making the kiss wetter. They knew it was unhealthy, but they didn't care. They pushed every coherent thought away.

Kurt reached for Blaine's waistband and shoved his pants down. He lowered his mouth onto Blaine's throbbing cock, running his tongue along the underside, making Blaine moan uncontrollably. Blaine began to lose control when he felt his length hit the back of Kurt's throat. He had handfuls of Kurt's hair and began to buck up. Kurt smirked and let him. He let him continue, until he moved away with a pop.

"Fuck, Kurt…" Blaine whined.

Kurt crawled onto the bed, "I want you inside me. Now."

"Lay back, I'll take care of you," Blaine said. He reached into his drawer, prepared just in case. He removed a condom and lube. He squeezed out some onto his hand, coating his three fingers. He barely warned Kurt before pulling his leg up and sliding two fingers inside. Within a few seconds, Kurt was practically fucking himself on the two. He slid a third inside and slowly, shifted in and out.

"Either go faster or get in me!" Kurt groaned, backing up onto Blaine's hand further.

"I guess you're ready, then," Blaine teased.

"Of course I am," Kurt hissed at the loss of Blaine's fingers.

Blaine quickly applied the condom and squeezed lube onto his hand.

"You know, you're the only person who I actively talk with when I have sex…" Kurt said, his voice thick with loss of breath.

"How…romantic," Blaine replied, pumping himself a few times. He lined up with Kurt's entrance. He teased Kurt, just a little, by rubbing himself back and forth along the entrance.

"Fuck, Blaine… don't be a tease…." Kurt moaned.

Blaine was teasing himself just as much as he was teasing Kurt, really. He plunged inside, without giving warning. Kurt threw his head back and moaned the most ridiculously hot moan that Blaine had ever heard in his life. He pushed himself all the way inside. He wasn't able to stay still. He pulled out, slowly, with Kurt trying to back himself back up onto the loss.

"Eager much?" Blaine asked, gripping onto Kurt's hips.

"Just fuck me and shut up," Kurt said.

Blaine obliged. He thrust back into Kurt quickly. Over, and over, with Kurt arching and moving along with him. It was messy, and hot and felt so good. When Kurt called out his name and threw his head back, he knew he'd hit that wonderful bundle of nerves. He continued and continued. Until Kurt was losing it. He loved more than anything seeing Kurt desperate and moaning under his command. No one else. Momentarily, Kurt needed no one but him.

He was soon following Kurt, seeing white and stars. He rode out the orgasm, whispering and moaning Kurt's name. Just like that, it was over.

"Fuck… Blaine, I love you."

"I love you too."

"I mean it."

"I do too."

Blaine texted Kurt, and Kurt never responded. After their last meeting, Kurt had decided he didn't want to put Blaine through any more stress. He didn't want to be a contributing factor to Blaine's problem. He and Blaine loved each other, cared about each other…but at this point, it was destructive to both of their lives. Kurt didn't want to hurt Blaine anymore.

If he let Blaine go… he could get over Blaine…

"I'm really sorry to hear about your father," Mitchel said.

"Don't say it like that. He's not dead."

"Sorry."

Kurt crossed his arms.

"Don't get an attitude with me, princess," Mitchel said.

"Sorry," Kurt mumbled.

"So, are you up for having a fun night out or what?" Mitchel asked.

"After I get dressed up," Kurt said. "I want to put on make-up."

"You're so weird," Mitchel shook his head. "Whatever you say, though."

Kurt went into his bedroom. He looked in the mirror and hated more than anything the reflection that was staring at him. He hated himself so much. He just wanted to hide it. He opened the charcoal eye make-up and started smearing it on his eyes.

The rest of the month was difficult to get through. He didn't hear from Kurt at all.

After the mark of three weeks since their meeting, Blaine began to accept the fact that Kurt had gone away. Kurt didn't want to bother with him anymore. It should've been a good thing, a relief, and strain off of his relationship. It was none of those. Blaine was constantly worried about Kurt, and when he found himself staring off into space longingly, he was thinking of Kurt.

The sex he was having with Jacob had turned from fun and enjoyable to tedious and hard to get through. Jacob started to notice, but didn't say anything about it.

"We haven't spoken in ages," Rachel said.

"I know, I'm sorry," Kurt said. He really was, but Rachel didn't need to be involved in this. She had her head on straight and she wasn't vulnerable and didn't need to be made that way.

"So, what's been up?" she asked.

"Not much."

"Oh. You have glitter in your hair."

"I know," Kurt groaned. "It won't wash out."

"Party?"

"Yeah…" There was an awkward pause. "Are things going alright with you and Finn?" Kurt asked, deciding to get things on a new subject.

"Yes, wonderful. I am going to spend the weekend with him in Columbus!" Rachel grinned. "How are things with Blaine and yourself?"

"No, Rach… Blaine and I stopped seeing each other for good," Kurt said.

"Why?" Rachel asked eyebrows furrowed.

"We can't do long distance." He didn't need to further elaborate.

"It's because of the way you're behaving here, isn't it?" Rachel asked.

"Yes," Kurt said quietly, feeling ashamed again.

"Kurt, can I tell you how I feel about it without you getting upset with me?" Rachel asked.

"Go ahead…"

"Your behavior is dangerous," Rachel began. "You always look tired, you're too skinny, and it isn't healthy. You can die of alcohol poisoning. You drink too much. Do you know that you've drunk dialed me 3 times already this month? It's the 6th of February. And, if you're doing anything other than drinking, that will kill you too. People take drugs and just drop dead. You shouldn't be out as wasted as you get, someone can and will take advantage of you. You can get hurt, contract an STD or possibly even get killed. This is a big city. You don't know what kind of people you may encounter out in those clubs you go to. Don't think I don't know about the things you do. I talk to Mitchel. I don't want you getting angry at him either. We care about you. Finn too. I've had conversations with him about it as well. He doesn't want to worry your dad either and does not share the information with him. Don't worry. It's just, Kurt, you're a beautiful, talented, amazing person. No one wants to see you die young because you're making stupid decisions."

Kurt nodded. He took in every word she said. He knew all of those things, and inevitably knew that Rachel would find out about what he'd been doing. For some reason, though, when it came from Rachel's mouth, it really hit him.

For some reason, on a whim Kurt leaned in and kissed Mitchel. They kissed, roughly and hungrily. They were both drunk, and lonely. Their hands roamed each other. It was like crossing into unfamiliar territory. They had come a long way since the first drunken night that Mitchel took advantage of Kurt. He was sort of Kurt's protector, at this point, never to step out of place and even touch Kurt inappropriately. But he'd fallen in love with Kurt in the process, and even though he knew his heart was going to be broken, just like all of Kurt's boyfriends, he couldn't stay away. And then, they were heavily petting each other. In some silly place in his mind, he thought maybe Kurt had feeling for him to. He let himself run with that thought for the moment and would deal with the consequences later.

Without a hint of Kurt in his life, Blaine felt like there was an empty void in his chest. Jacob was unable to fill that void, as nice as he was. They ended things. Blaine was still lonely, but didn't pick up the razor again. Something about it made him feel worse than better, suddenly. He attempted spending time with the friends he'd made the previous year. That helped sometimes.

"I broke it off with Kurt."

Jeff was so happy to hear that that he pulled Blaine into a hug.

Kurt Hummel did not cry... Not anymore. He missed Blaine so much, but...didn't want to. He didn't want Blaine out of his life. He wanted Blaine to want him, to need him. It helped him sleep at night knowing that Blaine still needed him, even miles away.

Life without that bit of Blaine was lonely.

The click of a lighter sounded.

Kurt whipped around so quickly he nearly go whip-lash, "Excuse me, there's a strict no smoking policy in the apartment. It will screw up my voice. Don't even think about lighting that."

Mitchel smirked and put down the lighter, "Excuse me, Princess."

"Shouldn't you know that by now," Kurt huffed.

Mitchel scooted towards Kurt. "Maybe I did that to get your attention. If I can't have a cigarette, can I have you back?"

"Yeah..." Kurt said and pressed his lips to the other boy's, to avoid further emotions over Blaine.

Having sex with Mitchel had become a regular thing. He enjoyed the almost-familiar quality of it. Mitchel was at least some-what thoughtful about it, unlike the club hook-ups, which were lessening in quantity since his talk with Rachel.

Blaine found another void-filler. It was nicer, because he hadn't cheated on this one with Kurt. In fact, Kurt had nothing at all to do with this guy. His name was Tyler and he was beautiful. Blaine thought that someone like Tyler was too good for him, which affected their relationship someone-what after a couple of months.

"You're gorgeous," Blaine whispered as Tyler lifted his shirt off.

Tyler smirked, "Not as gorgeous as you."

"Nah…" Blaine muttered, smiled fading.

"But you are."

"But I'm not."

Tyler sighed and sat back between Blaine's legs. "You have to stop doing that."

"Sorry…" Blaine said quietly.

"But you do it all the time…"

"I just…don't like myself."

"But you're gorgeous and talented… shit, Blaine, you're everything."

"Did you just describe yourself, or?" Blaine laughed a little.

"It's not funny anymore," Tyler said.

"Yeah…" Blaine leaned back down and looked at the ceiling. Tyler put his shirt on, left and never talked to Blaine again.

Mitchel stirred from his place on Kurt's couch. He heard sounds that were…sexual. He sat up and blinked several times. It sounded like Kurt. Something inside of him flared up inside him when he connected the two. He couldn't believe what was happening. Kurt was his…wasn't he?

Soon, the noises died down. Mitchel's head was pounding from the hangover he had.

The door of Kurt's bedroom creaked open momentarily. Kurt was first, giggling only in his briefs. A man, probably close to Kurt's age, with ginger hair and freckles followed him, dressed fully and looking satisfied.

"Have a nice fuck?" Mitchel asked.

"Mitch," Kurt was wide-eyed.

"He's a sensational fuck," the ginger said, in a thick British accent, smirking.

"So…you cheated on me, while I was in the house?" Mitchel looked from the ginger, to Kurt.

"I had no idea…" the ginger was now wide-eyed as well. "What the hell, Kurt?"

"Mitchel…we were never official."

"Are you kidding me?" Mitchel asked in disbelief.

"Maybe I should go…" the ginger inched toward the door.

"Yeah, maybe you should," Mitchel practically growled. His temper had reached its limit. He knew that Kurt was…slutty, to say the least. He really thought that they had something though. He really did…

"Mitchel, I didn't know…" Kurt said.

"YOU KNEW, KURT!" Mitchel lost it as the door shut. "WE… I thought what we had was real."

Kurt shook his head. He had tears in his eyes. "I'm sorry, Mitch…"

"No, fuck you!" Mitchel pointed at Kurt so furiously. "How many others have there been?"

"I DIDN'T KNOW WE WERE OFFICIAL!" Kurt exclaimed, throwing his hands up.

"YOU'RE FULL OF SHIT!" Mitchel stepped towards Kurt. "I'VE DELT WITH YOUR SHIT! I THOUGHT YOU FINALLY GAVE IT UP, HOW COULD I BE SO STUPID!"

"It's nothing like that between us," Kurt said.

"I thought our time together meant something – "

"I was never in love with you."

"Wh…what?"

"I've been in love with someone else… and I've been trying to replace the feeling of them and you didn't, I thought you might but…you didn't."

"You used me?"

Kurt shook his head, "I didn't mean to. I didn't know…I really care about you, as a friend, like…"

All at once, Mitchel drew back and hit Kurt across the mouth. Horrified, Kurt was frozen on the spot, his hand clutching the side of his face. His lip was bleeding. Mitchel realized that wasn't right, the second that he did it. He wanted to take it back, because as much as he hated Kurt at the moment, that still shouldn't have happened…

"Get the fuck out."

"I didn't –"

"Leave."

"I'm so sorry."

"GET THE FUCK OUT!" Kurt screamed, standing more strongly than Mitchel had ever seen. He knew it was time to let it go.

Blaine's phone rang. What was Kurt calling him for at nearly 3 A.M.? They hadn't talked in…months. He wondered if he should even answer. But…he did.

"Hello?"

"Blaine..."

"Kurt…? What's wrong?"

"I...I fucked up."

"What happened, Kurt?"

"I...I...didn't know what else to do but call you."

"What's wrong, Kurt?"

"I can't..."

"I can't play these games right now, Kurt…"

"Please...just...just talk to me."

"Are you okay?"

"I don't know..."

"What do you mean, you don't know?"

"I don't know, Blaine! Okay! I just don't know!" Kurt choked out a sob at the end.

"Kurt..."

"I won't bother you anymore. I shouldn't have called."

"Kurt, you know damn well that's not what I mean! Just..."

The call disconnected.

I'm coming to visit you. - Blaine

When? - Kurt

This weekend. - Blaine

Really? - Kurt

Is that okay? -Blaine

Yeah. - Kurt

I'm worried about you.-Blaine

Don't be.-Kurt

Can't help it. - Blaine

The sun was beating down on Blaine. He had fucking suit on for Christ's sake, trying to 'look nice for Kurt'. Obviously Kurt didn't give a damn.

A man smoking a cigarette was leaning against Kurt's apartment building. Blaine had no idea what came over him.

"Excuse me. Hi, I'm looking for Kurt Hummel. Do you know him?"

"What's it too ya?"

"I'm his friend."

"Me too. How come I've never see you before?"

"I'm going to school in New Jersey..."

"Interesting... You got a name?"

"Yes, Blaine Anderson. And you?"

"Mitchel Harrison."

So this was Mitchel. "So, do you know where Kurt is?"

Mitchel sniffed, "He's in his apartment, Mr. Anderson."

"What? I just came from knocking on the door."

"Well, he can't have gone far. Either that or he's just not opening up. He's been good at keeping things from people lately. And hiding out."

"I've been calling him for the past hour. Um, just...if you hear from him, will you please tell him to call?"

"Listen, Blaine, I don't know how you know Kurt, but don't waste your time caring."

Blaine's eyebrows furrowed. "Thanks for the advice..."

xxx

"Why is everything always a game to you, Kurt?" Blaine asked. "I was carrying luggage around New York on the subway and shit. I'm lucky I didn't get robbed or killed or-"

"You're fine," Kurt said.

"That's not the point! What if I wasn't fine?"

"Well, you are so it really doesn't matter."

Blaine sighed.

"Did you come here to pout or to see me?" Kurt asked. He couldn't cut out this attitude. He was standing across the room, arms crossed, in his little stance, with one hip jutting out. Just a hint, a tiny slit of skin was showing between Kurt's super-tight jeans and his super-tight blue shirt. It was just enough to taunt Blaine, to make him want to jump Kurt, not stay mad at him for another ten minutes.

As difficult as it was, as much as he wanted Kurt, he crossed his arms.

"Fine," Kurt said. He walked, very slowly, making sure to put his hips into every single step, right up to Blaine. Kurt smirked and leaned as close to Blaine's face as humanly possible without their lips touching and whispered, "Your loss."

Blaine clenched his fists, waiting for Kurt to move. Kurt was taking his precious time, knowing exactly what he was doing to Blaine. The blue-eyed boy smiled and looked down at Blaine's lips, looking just a little more innocent. He batted his eyelashes, maybe it was on purpose. He couldn't take it anymore.

Slowly, Blaine brought his hand up to Kurt's cheek. He ran his thumb gently along Kurt's cheekbone. Kurt smiled softly and put his hand over Blaine's. "I'm sorry," he said quietly.

Unable to control himself any longer, feeling Kurt's hot breath on his lips, Blaine kissed him. Kurt responded quickly, losing himself. He'd wanted it just as badly as Blaine. Their lips ran over and over and over one another's until their mouths opened. Blaine's tongue slid roughly inside Kurt's mouth to taste everything that he'd been missing.

Kurt was untucking Blaine's shirt and pressing against him, pushing him towards the bed. No one made him feel as good as Blaine did. No one could fill that empty little spot in his empty little heart. He straddled Blaine's waist and sucked on his bottom lip. Blaine groaned and grinded against him in response.

"You missed me, didn't you?" Kurt purred close to Blaine's ear. He pressed his lips to the crook of Blaine's neck.

"Mhm," Blaine moaned, gripping Kurt's hips.

Kurt grinded against Blaine. "How much?" he whispered.

"Too much for my own good," Blaine groaned.

Kurt narrowed his eyes and climbed away from Blaine. He loved the feeling of Blaine sitting up and his hands coming after him. He bit his lip and tried to ignore the warmth of Blaine's body. The comfort of Blaine's arms.

"Can you really blame me?" Blaine asked, sounding defeated.

Kurt stayed silent. He felt his throat tighten.