AN: School stress, surgery, personal problems, Prague. Choose one of those reasons as to why I haven't updated in so long.
Sorry guys! To make it up to you for the long wait (at least a little bit) I wrote an EXTRA LONG chapter! XD
I hope you like it because I sure put a lot of work into it.
Thanks goes to:
Everyone who has reviewed the last chapter:
chocolatefan: I'm glad you love my story. You have no idea for how long I have planned to write a CSI parody (4 years ^^). I'll really try to update sooner next time. XD
Reine Sumabat: Glad you liked the last chapter ^^. It's also my favorite so far. Surprising enough, I had something totally else planned for Nick before I wrote the chapter. XD
Everyone who has added the story to story alert so far:
Bunzall, chocolatefan, csiFREAK24, ., Jenson-007, jevans47403, Miss., monster13, Morgan CSI Level 3, OneAndOnlyCazza, Phoenix-uk, Reine Sumabat, sissysplace123 00-00-0000
Everyone who had added the story to his/her favorites so far:
Ducky'sgirl4ever, gricelda22, jevans47403, monster13, OneAndOnlyCazza, Reine Sumabat
DISCLAIMER: CSI and its characters do not belong to me, it all belongs to Anthony E. Zuiker. Thank you Anthony for that awesome show!
The room was almost completely dark, only slightly illuminated by the TV on which Jerry Springer tried to run away from two sixty year old strippers.
It was too bad Warrick Brown wasn't paying any attention to his favorite television show, for the only thing he was focusing on was Archie's letter lying on the table in front of him.
Ever since Archie began this whole dare night thing, Warrick had this bad feeling in the pit of his stomach… and reading "Payback's a bitch" on the envelope didn't make him feel any less scared.
FLASHBACK
It was a typical day in our favorite crime lab. Brass and Grissom were playing Guitar Hero, Catherine was giving Hodges a private performance of her "exotic dancing" and Ecklie was trying on different toupees to see which fit him best.
The silence was broken as Warrick's voice sounded throughout the lab.
"ARCHIE!"
The sound scared Catherine half to death as she lost her grip on the strip pole and fell off the table. But let's skip her drive to the hospital and the doctor diagnosing a sprained ankle. Instead, let's head straight to the cafeteria.
CAFETERIA
"I'm gonna kill you, Archie!" Warrick yelled and lunged at said co-worker.
"Warrick, calm down!" Nick cried out as he held his best friend back by the waist and tried his hardest to prevent a murder.
"You want me to calm down? I'll calm down once I've ripped his damn head off!"
In the meantime Archie was trying to hide behind a table. Unnecessary to say, he wasn't very successful seeing as his feet still stuck out.
"Do you really think that this ridiculous table could save you? Not even your smelly feet could prevent me from killing you!"
"Come on, Warrick, you big meanie, don't be so dense! I was a little bit hungry and your Lucky Charms were the only thing I could find." Archie carefully came out from behind the table and looked sheepishly at Warrick.
"You were A LITTLE BIT hungry? YOU ATE THE WHOLE BOX!"
"Okay, I was starving." Archie admitted. "So what? It's not like your Lucky Charms were the only food left to eat in the entire lab!"
"Oh yeah, I completely forgot. There was still something else left in the fridge. If only I remembered what it was? Wait, I think I got it! One of Grissom's experiments, in other words a dead rat, and Sara's self-made torte, which you should only eat if you have a death wish!"
"Okay, okay, you're right. I'm sorry. It won't happen again"
Warrick only nodded and turned around. All this fighting had made him hungry and what would be better now than to open his new box of Lucky Charms. Well, there was only one problem: when he opened the box, it was empty.
"ARCHIE!"
1 MONTH LATER:
"Is someone coming?"
"No, Warrick, would you already stop asking me that every ten seconds?" Nick replied, annoyed.
"Told you I'm gonna get back at him, Nicky boy. How good it tastes…this sweet revenge!" Warrick cheered and began laughing evilly.
When he didn't stop after five minutes, Nick, who was already beginning to doubt Warrick's mental health, went over to his best friend and covered his mouth.
"Be quiet or someone is really going to come…Warrick?"
"What?"
"Do you really think this is a good idea after all?"
"Do you doubt my genius, Stokes?"
"Your genius? Come on, even you have to admit that putting laxative in someone's food is probably the oldest trick in the whole world. What if something goes wrong? Someone else could eat this shit or they could find out it was you who did all this. You could get fired or, even worse, forced to clean up the mess in the bathroom after this whole fiasco. Have you ever thought about that?"
"Of course I haven't. If you haven't already noticed, my plans never backfire. I have to admit, I'm really disappointed in you. Do I really have to prove my genius to you?"
If it wasn't for the fact that Warrick's voice suddenly sounded ten times more dangerous than at the beginning of the sentence while he urged Nick in a corner (not to mention that, all of a sudden, flames could be seen behind Warrick, horns grew out of his head, and a trident appeared in his hand), Nick wouldn't have developed the urge to jump into the next person's arms who crossed his way. Secretly Nick even hoped it would be Ecklie. For sure his toupee could even scare his best friend away, not just the entire lab.
However, instead of embarrassing himself in front of the entire staff and get called "Ecklie's honey pie" for the rest of his life, Nick just lifted his hands and backed away.
"Okay, okay, forget I said something but could you please hurry up a bit? I need to pee!"
Warrick only handed him a plastic cup and continued his work.
"You gotta be fucking kidding me! No way!" Nick freaked out.
"Well, if you think you can hold it in long enough"
Nick only growled and pressed his legs together. Slowly but surely he began pacing up and down while the color of his face changed dramatically and finally, after another few minutes of trying to suppress his urges, he couldn't put up with the torture any longer. Turning his back on Warrick he opened his zipper, let all his pride fly out of the window, and peed into the cup. A load groan escaped his lips as the pressure on his bladder disappeared.
"Hey, are you sure there are no security cameras installed in here?" Warrick's voice pulled him out of his thoughts.
"Oh my god! How come we never thought about that? Kill me! Wait, better yet, smuggle me out of the country or pray that the ground swallows me!"
"Nick, calm down! I was only kidding. Ecklie is way too greedy to waste his money on security cams. The only room he installed one in is the spare room. No better porn to watch than a quickie between rats and brooms, right?"
Before Nick could kill Warrick for scaring the hell out of him, said best friend put the laxative back into his pocked and left the "poisoned" soup on the counter.
"Finally!" Nick yelled and stormed out of the room. Just as he wanted to go back to work Warrick gripped him by his arm and pulled him around a corner.
"Warrick, what the hell are you doing?"
"Do you really think I would go through all this work and not watch the outcome of it? Wait here!"
"Where are you going?" Nick yelled after him but Warrick had already disappeared down the hallway.
"Great, just great," Nick murmured. He didn't have to wait long until Warrick came back.
"Where have you been?" Nick asked him.
"Shh, be quiet. There's Archie!"
And true to his words Archie came around the corner and disappeared behind the cafeteria's doors.
"Are you sure he is going to eat the soup?"
"Absolutely. Firstly, there is nothing else left to eat and secondly, it's his favorite meal."
"How do you know that?"
"I have my ways Nicky, I have my ways."
"You simply asked him, didn't you?"
"Nick! I'm shocked. Do you really think I'm not more creative and sneakier? For all you know, I could have stalked him"
At Nick's incredulous face Warrick only sighed.
"Okay, okay, I asked his girlfriend. Happy now?"
"Yes, very happy to be exact"
"Has anyone ever told you that you're way too mischievous for your own good?"
"Be quiet! Did you hear that?" Nick ignored Warrick's attack on his ego.
"Heard what?" Warrick strained his ears.
"I don't know but it kind of sounded like a…"
The door burst out of its hinges as Archie tore it open with the doorknob in his hand.
Nick was not the only one shoved out of the way as Archie sprinted down the hallway into the men's toilet.
Hodges was already busy eliminating the strange odor that slowly spread through the entire lab with his extra strong and effective room spray, while Nick slowly got up from his position on the floor and turned around to Warrick.
"Can I finally go back to work now?" he asked obviously pissed.
To his dismay Warrick ignored him, held up three fingers and began counting backwards.
"Three, two, one…" A terrified scream nearly made Nick's eardrum burst.
"Warrick, what the hell have you done?" he pointed an accusing finger at his best friend. He had spent enough time with him to know that Archie's scream had something to do with Warrick's short disappearance a few minutes ago.
"Nothing…"
"Warrick!"
"Now don't get angry, Nicky boy. I only taught him a very important lesson that he won't forget for the rest of his life. If you have diarrhea, make sure there is some toilet paper left."
END FLASHBACK
Warrick could almost hear Nick's "I told you so" as he nervously opened the envelope and pulled out the neatly folded piece of paper.
"Dear Warrick,
How are you on this fine day? Good? Well, enjoy this feeling because it won't last very long anymore. Have you ever sat on the toilet for three whole hours? Yeah? Then you know how horrible, not to mention uncomfortable it is, especially if the only thing to distract you from this living nightmare is some trashy magazine containing a six pages long Paris Hilton interview. As if her porno wasn't bad enough. Not only are her skills in bed highly overrated, no, also Ecklie caught me watching the DVD in the break room. At least during my suspension I had more than enough time to buy some decent porn.
Anyway, it's time for your first dare and to show you that I'm not only doing this because I'm hell bent on getting revenge on you, I picked out something you'll definitely like. Drive to 211 Henderson Street and don't forget to take the envelope in the glove compartment with you once you arrive.
Love, mama's boy"
"Hmm, something I like…what could that be? Catherine chained to a motel bed, or maybe tickets for a Tina Turner concert?" Warrick mused once he had put the letter back in the envelope and made his way to his car.
The drive to the given address passed quickly as Warrick still fantasized about what his dare consisted of and almost stopped at a local store to buy some whipped cream and strawberries in case Catherine really was chained to a motel bed.
Only a few people who were smoking or drinking coffee could be seen in front of a big white building as Warrick turned off the engine, pulled out the envelope from the glove compartment, and got out of his car.
Turning his head from side to side he was on the lookout for something that could give him a hint to why he was here or what for. But just as he had spotted a big placard hanging on a street lamp on the left side of the street, the loud clatter of high heels and a screeching voice made him turn around.
Warrick had to shield his eyes once he set his eyes on the woman that came to a halt in front of him. She was wearing a neon orange tank top covered in rhinestones. The sun shining down on her made it glow like thousands of light bulbs and solariums put together. The white miniskirt she was wearing was skin tight and Warrick immediately raised his head to look into her face, half expecting it to have already turned blue. Platinum blond hair that could easily outplay that of Warrick's Barbie dolls, which he had secretly stashed away in his underwear drawer, framed her heart-shaped face and to make the impression of a slut complete the woman wore sunglasses as big as two dishes held together by a cord.
"I'm sorry, what did you say?" Warrick came back to his senses as he realized that the woman had been talking to him all along his inspection.
"Are you Warrick Brown?"
The snappish undertone in her voice made Warrick cower in fear. Shyly, he nodded.
"About damn time you arrived! Didn't I make it clear on the phone that your appointment was at exactly 10 o' clock?"
Before Warrick even had the chance to stammer out an answer the not-so-polite lady had already ripped the envelope out of Warrick's hand.
"Is this the application form? Great! Have you read and studied the script?"
"Script?" Warrick blurted out.
"Dear god, not another one of these idiots. Sometimes I could swear this heat is getting to people's head. You have ten minutes!"
She pushed a bundle of paper into his hand and marched off without saying another word.
Warrick gulped down his fear and nervously read what was written on the first page: "Casting transcript for Julia: Ways of Fate"
"Oh no." The horrible realization crossed Warrick's mind and made his blood boil.
"I'm gonna kill that stupid son of a bitch! Something I like? Yeah, right! Isn't it enough that Tina forces me to watch that crap? Now I also have to act like my biggest dream is to become a part of this and get chased by groupies?"
And indeed, "Ways of Fate" was Tina's favorite soup opera. Since the show had begun airing three months ago Tina had forced Warrick to watch every single episode with her, while Warrick almost has gone bankrupt due to the tissues he had to buy. An entire box every day which just ended up in a heap on the floor next to a hysterical crying and sobbing Tina.
"Let's just hope Tina will never find out I applied for this or next I know she calls out the protagonist's name in bed."
Warrick tiredly rubbed his eyes and fought back the migraine that was fast approaching.
"Okay, let's just get this over with," he thought to himself once he saw he only had 8 more minutes left to prepare a scene and sat down on the hood of his car.
Quickly he skimmed through the transcript in hope of finding a scene that wouldn't want to make him sink into the ground whenever he got reminded of it, but just as he had found one that didn't seem too bad, his cell phone rang.
Warrick took it out and flipped it open, revealing a message.
"Hey Rick! No, don't thank me yet for organizing this for you. Thank me once you hold an Oscar in your hands. XD. So, we don't want to make this too easy on you, right? Play scene 8 and trust me, I will find out if you played another one. Love, mama's boy"
"I should have stayed in bed today" Warrick sighed and flipped a few pages back to scene 8. His eyes almost bulged out of his head as he slowly read the scene line by line.
Feeling like punching someone (preferably Archie or the woman from before) Warrick threw all his pride out of the window and began learning the scene.
Only a few minutes later the clapping of high heels ended Warrick's deadline. Feeling like he was walking to his execution, Warrick followed her into the building. Along the hallway Warrick saw people who were biting their fingernails like they were the only food left on the entire planet, people who were busy practicing their scene over and over again and even some who tried to hang themselves because their casting had been that horrible.
When the clapping of high heels stopped, Warrick turned away from his competition, only to see they had come to a stop in front of a big white door.
"Just wait here until the other applicant comes out. Good luck! You will need it," the woman said and turned around with a sadistic smile on her lips.
Warrick quickly wiped his sweaty hands on his jeans and pulled out the dental floss he always carried with him. Just as he finished applying some make up to cover a huge dimple on his chin, the door opened and out came no other than Brass.
But, was it really Brass? Sure, the alikeness was amazing but with the leather jacket, the black sunglasses and toupee Warrick couldn't say for sure.
"Brass?"
"Warrick? I mean…ahem…do I know you?"
"Come on Brass, you have already revealed yourself. What are you doing here?"
"I could ask you the same question."
"You know, suddenly I'm not interested anymore as to why you are here. Let's just leave it like that and act like we were never here and saw each other, okay?"
"We have a deal Brown!"
Brass waved and marched off, constantly pulling up his very uncomfortable and tight leather pants.
"Men and their midlife crisis'," Warrick sighed.
"Next please!"
"Okay, here it goes."
His heart was beating faster than ever before as two huge floodlights and a jury consisting of three women greeted him in the audition room. In the middle of the room there was a bed and sitting on it, a busty redheaded woman that was smoking a cigarette and boringly munching a chewing gum.
"Well Mr. Brown, which scene will you show us today?" the producer, a black haired woman, asked him.
"Scene 8."
"Ah, how interesting. You're the first one to play that scene. In your application form you stated that you once played Cinderella in a school play, right?"
Warrick blushed a deep shade or red. "How did Archie find that out?" he wondered silently.
"Well, yeah, our class was kinda short on girls," Warrick quickly said.
"I bet you did a wonderful job," the producer winked at him.
Warrick's eyes grew big. Not only did the producer flirt with him, also the other two women in the jury looked like they were trying to undress Warrick with their eyes.
"Ahem, you know what, let's just get this over with. My wife, you know the woman I love and who I would never betray, is awaiting me." Warrick stated and lifted his hand to show his wedding ring.
Disappointed sighs escaped the women's lips as the producer gestured Warrick to get started.
Wiping the sweat from his forehead, Warrick slowly approached the bed and the woman in it. He almost threw up once he saw the suspicious white stains on the bed sheet. The camera man that would film Warrick during his play just grinned at him and made some very suggestive looks towards the producer.
"Why do you think I went from cleaning man to camera man?" he whispered so only Warrick could hear him.
The CSI just rolled his eyes and lied down on the outermost brink, trying to avoid the still fresh sperm.
"You ready?" the producer asked him. When Warrick nodded, she gave the camera man a sign and screamed "Action!"
The woman jumped right into action as she leaned over Warrick and began kissing Warrick's neck.
"Deborah, wait…" Warrick stuttered his line out. Sure, he had a great memory and knew the lines he had to say by heart, but the kisses and occasional nipping on his neck were more than a little bit distracting.
"What?" the redhead said as she lifted her head.
"It's just…I'm not sure we should really be doing this."
"What do you mean you aren't sure? You were the one who drove over his boss so you could get a day off to be with me"
"Yeah, and thank god that I drove my father's car so his tire tracks are at the scene, not mine. But, it's just…don't you think we're rushing things? I mean, you are married to my brother!"
"So what? You know exactly that I only married your brother because of his money" She lay her head on Warrick/Jonathan's chest and began drawing circles on it.
"Yeah, you're right. I just have a really bad feeling about this, that's all."
"You really know how to kill the mood, don't you? Are you trying to tell me that I poisoned your girlfriend, stashed away sex toys under my bed, bought new lingerie and almost died of blood loss when shaving, for nothing? God Jonathan, just forget about all that. You're here in bed with a woman who is starving for sex, so don't disappoint me or I swear I tell your mother you slept with your teacher back in high school!"
"No! Please, it's bad enough she already found out that I impregnated our maid."
"Good, then it's settled."
So again Warrick's neck was smothered with kisses as the woman continued playing her act. Covering the woman's cheek to obscure the camera's view, Warrick acted like he was kissing the redhead on the lips, while in reality their lips were a few centimeters apart.
The woman shifted into a more comfortable position and that was when Warrick's knowledge of women was put into discussion.
Sure, he hadn't had a lot of sexual experience in his life (blame his grandmother for always scaring away his girlfriends) but the endless nights with Tina had thought him some things about the female body.
So why was there something hard pressing against his tight? It only took Warrick's mind a few seconds to realize that the woman next to him was in fact…
"Oh god, you're a man!" he screamed and fell off the bed. Warrick couldn't believe it. How could he have been so blind? Archie was never going to let go of this.
"Took you long enough to realize, honey," the redhead grinned.
"Ahem, you know what, I think we have seen enough of your acting skills Mr. Brown. We will call you," the producer quickly intervened.
"Thank you! Can you just give me a copy of the tape?" Warrick asked, still aware that he had to prove to Archie that he really had played the agreed scene.
"Oh, didn't you know we were sending a live transmission to the Internet of all our applicants? We agreed that our fans should also have a say in this. You can watch and download it on YouTube."
Meanwhile at the lab:
Archie couldn't be any happier. Grissom sure had left a permanent impression at the club. His picture on the club's website (which link the doorman had kindly sent him) had already reached over 14,000 views in the last hour.
Just as he wanted to plop in the lab's security tapes to watch Nick's dare (already for the third time on this day), his cell phone rang.
Once he opened it a message from Warrick appeared, containing an internet link.
Confused as to why Warrick didn't send him a picture, Archie grabbed hold of the keyboard and typed in the link.
"Damn slow internet connection," Archie cursed as the page slowly loaded. He quickly made himself some of Greg's coffee (god forbid if Greg found out Archie had stalked him for four days in order to find out where he had stashed it away) and made a quick stop at the toilet.
When he returned to his chair, the site had just finished loading.
"What the hell?" Archie cursed once he read "Casting for Julia: Ways of Fate, Warrick Brown" at the top of the page.
"Oh, this is too good!"
The car tires screeched as Warrick browsed off. Henderson Street 211 was an address he would for sure never return to.
If Archie thought that the diarrhea accident was already bad enough, then Warrick would teach him otherwise.
All the traffic rules were broken by him on this day as Warrick sped through Las Vegas, waiting for the next two dares and secretly planning his revenge on Archie.
"Payback's a bitch Archie, payback's a bitch."
AN:
A special thanks goes to my beta reader fox-rox1539!
Finally, I want to say THANK YOU for reading and PLEASE REVIEW! (Remember? I want to reach over 100 reviews with this story, so don't fear the purple button. ^^)
Next chapter: Catherine's first dare