Life for Craig Owens, an average but loyal individual once described as resembling a sofa, had been reasonably mundane and aggravating for a while. Despite the economic climate, he was getting through jobs like nobody's business; every time he had settled into a new job he spotted a potentially higher paying one, and would try and take it immediately; all to try and fund his wife Sophie's dream of working in an orangutan sanctuary abroad, and to also support the needs of his baby son Alfie – who also liked to be called "Stormageddon, Dark Lord of All". Not that Craig minded the frustration that was his life too much; he loved his wife and Alfie and wouldn't trade them for the world, but regardless he couldn't help but feel sometimes irritated, and despite the constant changes, bored of the life he had led for the past two months. Especially considering those two months were preceded by his two encounters with an alien time traveller resembling a young geography teacher, whom he had helped stop a malfunctioning time machine from destroying the Solar System, and helped thwart the plans of a group of emotionless metal men. Not a day went past where he didn't think of that brilliant, bonkers alien, who had turned his life upside down. But the alien hadn't bothered to visit much beyond Craig and his second encounter; Craig couldn't think of why, the alien had seemed rather fond of him, going as far to call him a "good mate" – that being mate as in friend, not as in a potential individual he'd reproduce with – but Craig knew that the alien operated in mysterious ways. Hell, he didn't even reveal his true name – this alien only referred to himself as "the Doctor".
One day, Sophie approached Craig out of nowhere in regards to his physical health.
"I just think," she told him in a tone somewhere between condensing and berating, "that you could afford to lose some weight, you know?"
"I thought you never minded my weight, Soph?" grumbled Craig "you said it made me sort of… cuddly?"
"Oh, it does Craig!" Sophie insisted, "But there's teddy bear cuddly, and there's over-the-top cuddly, y'know? I just feel you should be a bit more conscious about how much, or little, exercise you do, and what you put into your body, y'know? To set a good example for Alfie."
"B-b-but!" Craig objected "I do exercise! I play for the pub league! And I don't eat that unhealthily! I mean, I'm not Jamie Oliver, but sti-"
"If it'll make you feel better", Sophie interrupted, "I'll try and lose some weight too. In fact, let's finish all the crap we have in the fridge over the course of this week. And why don't we sort out what we'll be replacing it with sooner rather than later? I have to go food shopping tomorrow. In fact, let's go shopping now and sort out our new diet plan in the shop!"
Craig attempted to object but to no avail; Sophie was soon dragging him off to a local supermarket to force upon him a selection of healthy foods. Whilst there, she pointed out to him all sorts of generic products that were apparently approved by all sorts of leading health experts weeks ago. The depth she went into with certain products was that of an encyclopaedic level; Craig wondered if she planning this pop to the shops for weeks. Eventually, Craig confided to Sophie that he just couldn't be bothered with all this healthy crap, and that he much preferred to just stick to his diet of carbs and red meat. However instead of giving up, Sophie instead dragged Craig down the food aisle to show him a selection of food stuffs that were apparently healthier substitutes for the sort of foods he usually ate.
"You'll like this one!" she pleaded to him, "all the leading experts and magazines have been raving about it." she was holding in her hand a clear plastic packet containing pink strips of something, resembling bacon. "It's kind of like, a tofu sort of thing. It tastes like meat, cuz it's intended to be a healthier substitute as opposed to the actual dead animals. It's made from all sorts of spices and proteins. And it's all natural!"
Despite these claims, Craig remained unimpressed.
"Listen, Soph," he said "I just can't be bothered with all this forced upon healthy stuff. If I want to lose weight and go on a diet, I'll do it on my own terms, and I'd rather research all these kind of products, and know what I'm putting into my mouth, as opposed to just being told blindly and on the spot!"
Sophie's face showed disappointment. Craig hated it when she pulled that face, and would do anything to avert it.
"Alright then…" he sighed "I'll try that stuff you were just showing me. I mean, I guess I have to lose some weight and all, and better sooner than later… and I trust you to know what'll be good for me, and not…"
Sophie's face of disappointed was exchanged for one of glee.
"Yay!" she squealed happily, "Thanks Craig!"
And thus she began shovelling packets upon packets of different kinds of the self-proclaimed meat substitute into some shopping bags she had bought with her.
It was Craig's turn to cook dinner that night, and he thought he might as well christen the new meat substitute, as he was probably going to have to end up living off of it for the next few weeks. He started blankly at one of the packets; on the front was a logo, resembling bright blue candy, bearing the brand name "Farmer Nick's All-In-All Meat Substitute". The All-In-All brand apparently specified in a various array of super-healthy meat substitutes. Craig thought it was all nonsense, and that you might as well eat dead animals as opposed to cheap substitutes. He was tempted to just cook some actual pork that was in the fridge for dinner instead, but decided not to for Sophie's sake. So he cooked two large portions of the meat substitute, which was intended to be a substitute for roast chicken, with broccoli and mashed potato on the side, and whipped up a much smaller, mushier meal for Alfie. He dished up the three meals at the dining table in the kitchen, and with Sophie watching in anticipation; Craig took a bite out of the meat substitute. Then he recoiled in disgust; a horrifically bitter taste swelled in his mouth long after he swallowed the chunk of meat substitute. Sophie stared, concerned, whilst Alfie stared, completely embarrassed – despite the fact that only he and his mother could see.
"Craig, are you alright?" asked Sophie worryingly.
"Yeah… it's fine…" Craig lied, through grit teeth and a burning throat, "it's just a bit of a strong taste is all…"
"So you don't like it?". Sophie sounded disappointed.
"No! No! It's good!" lied Craig again "Just a bit strong… lush after taste though".
Sophie hesitantly decided to take a bite out of the meat substitute. However, unlike Craig, she ate it without bother. To her, it was pretty tasteless. She couldn't see why her husband had reacted the way he did.
Over the course of the next few weeks, Sophie became more and more infatuated with buying healthy food stuffs, and had bought every possible product from Farmer Nick's All-In-All brand you could think of; their breakfast products, lunches, desserts. She fell in love with the brand, but Craig had not consumed another one of their food stuffs since the first dinner; he was still repelled by the strong taste from that one dinner. Any work day where his wife made lunch for him, he disposed of the any of it related to All-In-All and instead bought a bacon sandwich, or sausage roll, from the canteen from work, or from a food service trailer. Anything to avoid a repeat of that horrible dinner. After time, Sophie became more and more obsessed with having a perfect figure and having a perfect diet, which was getting on Craig's nerves majorly.
"CRAIG!" she shrieked at him one morning "I'M HIDEOUSLY OBESE!"
"No, you're not…" mumbled Craig, who was feeling much too tired to be dealing his wife's baseless paranoia.
"YES I AM! I'VE PUT ON TWO POUNDS OVER THE PAST THREE WEEKS!"
"You're a skinny minnie to begin with, love! And it's probably just muscle anyway, it weighs more than fat. Above all, you still look gorgeous to me."
But she refused to have any of it. Following the small weight gain, she became further and further detached from reason and reality in terms of limits in her new diet. She had banned anything with any high amounts of sugar or salt from her eating habits, and 90% of it consisted of All-in-All products. She tried to force such an extreme shift in diet upon Craig and Alfie too, but Craig tried his best to make sure he and Alfie weren't drawn in by it, and was regularly making sneaky visits to the supermarket to purchase what he classed as "real" foods. But little did he suspect that it was to be with one of these visits that his world was to be turned upside down once again.