The Salvatore Boarding House
In case you didn't read the summary and anyways I like repeating it my name is Mary Sue Violet Alexandra Scarlett McKessa Salvatore. My eyes are my best feature even though all my features are perfect, well gorgeous. My eyes are a beautiful blue, more bluer then Damons in some lights, but a brilliant green in other lights, and sometimes when I am really emotional they are purple. My lips are like cherries and everyone wants to kiss them. I don't know how to describe my nose cause it is not easy to describe noses but it is perfect also. My hair is long and flowing and curly and down to my waste. It is the thickest and most beautiful hair that you have ever seen. I am the strongest vampire and Original and the best werewolf and talented witch that ever lived forever and ever. I and a moving van pulled up outside the Salvatore boarding house one clear beautiful brite afternoon.
I walk in unannounced and announced to the two brothers who were sitting on two of the many sofas in the boarding house casually.
"I am Mary Sue Violet Alexandra Scarlett Maria Salvatore and I am a vamire, an Original, a werewolf, and a witch, and Damon I am youre long lost twin sister and Stefan I am youre older sister! I was stolen at birth by Klaus because of my beauty and that I am the most powerful witch that was ever seen."
Damon and Stefan looked at each other, totally confused.
"That makes no sense what-so-ever!" Damon scoffed. "How would Klaus know you were beautiful and the strongest witch ever seen if he stole you at birth?"
"Hmmm .. okay I was 10 years old when I was stolen by Klaus and then I had my beauty and already had my witch powers. Because I was so special when he turned me into a vampire I became an Original and a werewolf. So there, smartypants!" Mary Sue stuck her beautiful tongue out at him.
Stefan added. "How can you be an Original if you're Damon's twin sister?"
Mary Sue replied brightly "I don't know why I am so special, I just am and I am here to save you and Elena, even though I am more beautiful than her!"
"Oh no!" Stefan half rose from the couch. "What did you say your name was?"
"I am Mary Sue Violet Alexa. . " Her melodious tones were interrupted by Stefan.
"Oh yeah, gotta be leaving this fanfic. No can do!" Stefan bolted for the door only to be tackled halfway there by Damon.
"Don't you leave me you, Stefan. I need you." Damon begged as Stefan dragged him across the floor,
"Sorry bro. Gotta be going. Give my love to Elena. She's all yours." Stefan elbowed his brother in the face trying to loosen his grip.
Damon grunted but refused to release his grip on Stefan. "Don't let him go Mary Sue Violet . . whatever. You need him in this fanfic to adore and worship you."
Mary Sue gave an adorable pout which only added to the beauty of her face. "That is true."
Stefan twisted around and got Damon in a headlock using one hand to clamp his mouth shut.
"Think about it." He huffed almost out of breath. "The real reason I am leaving is because Damon is so jealous that you might love me more than him. He is forcing me to leave." Stefan had to pause while he struggled to keep Damon under control. "And it's because after seeing how beautiful you are I am afraid I will betray Elena for you because even though you are my sister how can I possibly love someone more then you!" Stefan was quite pleased with himself.
"Oh!" Mary Sue said in tragic tones, tossing her hair. "That is true, I am so beautiful men fight over me all the time and really can't be bothered with any of the other girls in the stories. I don't try to make men love me, they just do." She adorably thought for a moment and then said. "Okay, you can run away from home but I may go searching for you in a future fanfic."
Stefan, horrified, prayed "Please God, spare me."
He brought his knee up into Damon's chin knocking him away and fled for the door. Damon rebounded and managed to grab onto his pant leg pleading, "Don't do it."
Stefan kicked his leg free shouting. "This is all your fault. If you weren't so damn handsome and snarky with such beautiful blue eyes then we wouldn't be going through this. Most of the stinking fanfics on this site are about you and Elena anyway."
Stefan ran through the doorway. Damon tried to follow but Mary Sue tripped him and he collapsed sobbing in the doorway. "Please Stefan! It would have been kinder to let me die from the werewolf bite!"
He thought he heard a faint "Now you're going to learn what an eternity of misery really is!"
Mary Sue brightly and cheekily called out. "Okay bring it in boys and follow me while I pick out my room."
A worker came in and paused in the doorway.
"Hey, would you mind not standing on my hand." Damon complained.
"I'm sorry" the workman said. "I was so overcome by my first sight of that beautiful girl with the green . . no purple . . no blue eyes that I had to stop and stear in awe."
Mary Sue batterered her impossibly long dark eyelashes that made her eyes smoky and then said "Damn!" and started fussing with her eyes."
"What's the matter?" Damon asked.
"My eyelashes are so long that when I bat them they get tangled but I have to put up with it because I am so irresitably beautiful."
"Kill me, just kill me!" Damon muttered.
"Come boys, remember I need the mirrors all around the room so I can unconsciously catch site of myself no matter were I turn and can contemplate the fate that made me so irresitable." She said as she moved with unnatural grace up the stairs. "Damon, don't forget to call everyone and tell them to meet us at the Mystic Grill. Now that Michael is dead we need to figure out a plan to kill Klaus which will not be a problem because I am all powerful and anyway as soon as he sees me again he will remember how much he loves me."
"Ah, that's Mikael, not Michael." Damon shook his head in disgust.
"I don't understand why everyone thinks it's so important to get those kind of things right." Mary Sue said in a throaty whisper.
The Mystic Grill later that Afternoon
Elijah, Rebekah, Caroline, Elena, Alaric, Jeremy, and Bonnie are sitting around a table at the Mystic Grill. Suddenly all conversation stops as a beautiful mysterious stranger new to Mystic Falls gracefully walks in accompanied by Damon Salvatore. She is totally unaware that everyone is gazing at her awefully because she is a modest unknowing girl.
Damon brought her over to their table and said. "I want to introduce you to my long lost twin sister Mary Sue Violet, ah, blah blah."
"Actually" she said adorably blushing "My name is Mary Sue Elyssa Alexandra Scarlett McKessa Salvatore and I am a powerful vampire, werewolf, Original, and witch and I am here to help you beat Klaus and save my twin brother."
"Wait a moment!" Damon said. "When did Elyssa get in there?"
"Does it really matter?" she said cutely.
"Ah, consistency?" Damon said.
'I don't think thats important! Whats important is that I am beautiful and everyone loves me." She pouted.
Elijah looked horrified. "Your name starts with Mary Sue and you are a vampire and an Original? Oh God! I've been cursed into a fanfic. Where is that damn dagger when you need it! Elena – quick find it and stab me!"
Elena's beautiful brown doe eyes looked uncomprehending. Mary Sue quickly pointed out that her eyes were more doe eyed even though they were at this point purple from emotion.
Everyone ignored her as Damon begged Elijah. "Please let me stab you with the silver dagger. That way I'll die too."
The Author suddenly dashes in making frantic time out signals with her hands! Stop! Stop! What is going on here? I know I'm a mediocre writer and that my conversations are usually stilted and artificial and my stories unoriginal but I ALWAYS spellcheck and make sure I don't use your and you're,waist and waste, and where and were incorrectly. Why is this happening to me?
Author thinks . . Got it! I'll send Bonnie to the witches. They'll know.
Bonnie says "I have a great idea. I'm going to visit the witches for some answers on how to kill Mar . . ah . . Klaus."
"Great idea Bonnie! I'll go with you because I am a stronger witch then you and I can command them because no one is a stronger witch than me." Mary Sue replied adorably.
Bonnie thought quickly. "I would love to have your help. By the way, did you know Caroline and Rebekah are going for cheerleading captain tryouts? The most beautiful, and athletic, and charismatic girl will be chosen as captain. It's important that she be really beautiful. A girl with beautiful eyes with long lashes will probably win!"
"I better go with them then because I am more beautiful then them and so of course, I will be cheerleader captain." Mary Sue said modestly. "Sorry girls but you will never be able to beat me because my eyes are green or blue or purple depending upon my emotions."
Bonnie shot pleading looks at Caroline and Rebekah and while they didn't look happy they both finally nodded agreement. "Let's go Mary Sue." Rebekah snarled.
Mary Sue flipped her long wavy, curly, thick waste length hair and batted her unbelievably long lashes. "Damn!" She said. "They're tangled again."
As Carolyn left she mouthed "Bitch" at Bonnie and Rebekah stepped on her little toe hard enough to break it.
Bonnie groaned in pain and Mary Sue inquired "Is something the matter?"
"Just missing you already?" Bonnie replied.
Mary Sue smiled beautifully and left with the two other less beautiful girls.
Damon, Elijah, and Bonnie speeded over to the abad . ah . .abdan . . ah . . the empty house .
The Abandoned House where the Dead Witches Live
Bonnie lit hundreds of candles in the dusty dirty room. The flickering candle light would have emphasized Mary Sue's beauty . .
"Cut the crap Bonnie!" Elijah snarled. "She's not here!"
"Sorry." Bonnie replied. "She compelled me to say that because she is such a strong vampire that she can still compel someone even if they are loaded with vervain like I am."
"Great!" Damon muttered. "Just do the juju that you dodo and get those witches to help us."
Bonnie muttered a lot of faux Latin words and swayed a little bit.
"Oh God!" She whispered. They're angry!"
"How dare you bring us into this Fanfic. The last time someone tried this we begged the town elders for mercy! They allowed us to choose burning at the stake rather than the agony of a Mary Sue fanfic."
"Don't you realize that a Mary Sue is the greatest violation of nature possible? We will not speak to you again until the balance is restored!"
Abruptly they blew out all the candles and left.
Bonnie screamed. "Don't go. Tell us how to get rid of her! Please!
Author butts in. Contact Grams! She'll help.
Bonnie muttered more faux latin and blood dripped from her nose staining her teeth.
Together Elijah and Damon yelled "Gross!"
"Shut up you idiots!" She shouted back. "It's good looking guys like you that bring these dumb stories on because the teenies want to be your girlfriends."
Both guys hung their heads in shame. They knew she spoke the truth.
Elijah tried to defend himself. "It's not just us. Klaus is cute too and they got all excited when Finn and Kol showed up on the internet."
Bonnie glared at him and he shut up.
"Come on Grams. Help me. You can make Jeremy dead again if you want."
Sheila said. "Are you kidding me?"
Bonnie shrugged. "He's been two, no three-timing me with ghosts. Besides after the hiatus I think I'm getting a new love interest so take him."
"Okay! What do you want to know?"
"The author wants to know how to end this and escape the shame of writing a Mary Sue." Bonnie said.
Elijah quickly added. "And how do we stay out of these?" Damon nodded and said. "These kind of stories hurt. Is there no end in site. Oh, Crap. I mean sight." He kicked aimlessly and muttered "I can't even speak properly anymore."
Grams said. "There is some hope for you. First of all, it looks like the series is planned for six years and you're already in the third season. Once a series goes off the air, the fanfics die down."
"Three more years!" They all shouted together. "Noooo!"
"Quiet!" Grams shouted them down.
"There is one thing. The Hobbit is scheduled to come out next year and a certain blonde elf is rumored to be in it. A lot of writers will concentrate on stories where they are Gandalf's or Saurion' or Sauron's or Samon's or whatever his name is's, daughter and that blonde elf falls in love with them."
"Phew!" Damon looked relived.
The author nudged Bonnie. Ask her how I end this piece of crap. There's no plot, no storyline, no nothing.
Bonnie repeated what the author said.
Grams said. "No problem. Mary Sue fanfics don't need any of those things. You just have to talk about how powerful and beautiful she is and that's been done."
"Warn her though. Because she committed the great offense against nature of writing a Mary Sue she will be reviled by true authors everywhere and people will take excerpts from her story and post them on blogs and discussion forums and make fun of her. It would probably be best if she changed her pen name."
Author sobs but agrees she got off easy. Her last act is to write –
The End