Disclaimer: I don't own anything but a bag of potato chips. And a lighter. I love that lighter..

A/N: For once I don't know what to say here...

Enjoy.

Chapter 4

Jade's been acting strange this morning. She wanted to know my answer today at school, but it's like she's been avoiding me, and she keeps glancing at Cat like she wants to talk to her about something. It's none of my business, but that doesn't mean I'm not curious. I lean against the wall outside of Sikowitz's class and wait for Jade, hoping she'll be alone. And she is, silent as I drag her by the wrist to the janitor's closet. I close the door behind us, and she stands there, arms crossed, looking at me as if she doesn't know what to say or how to act. "Jade, look…"

"What, Vega? What do you want?" Why is she so hostile today? I mean, I've always expected it from her, but this is just…this isn't normal Jade West behavior. It's like she doesn't want to talk to me, like she doesn't want to hear what I've decided, and I don't want to tell her if she'll be like this. She shakes her head and looks away. "Has Cat talked to you today?"

I shake my head. "No, she hasn't. Is something wrong?" She rolls her eyes. "Fine, Jade, if you're not going to talk to me, just forget it." I turn away from her and move to open the door, but her hand stops mine on the doorknob. "Jade…just forget it. You obviously don't want to talk about it." I notice the difference in her thumb on my hand and look down. She's got a bandage around her thumb, and now I'm really curious about what's going on with her.

She seems to read my mind. "I burned my thumb this morning. Cat scared the hell out of me." She sighs. "It's not that I don't want to talk to you because I do. It's just that…I really need to talk to Cat about something, about something I can't talk to you about." Her eyes meet mine briefly before she looks away. It has something to do with me. "Come on, we need to get to class. Just tell me what you decided later." I nod and she cups my cheek before reluctantly pulling away and opening the door.

She almost kissed me again. I follow her to Sikowitz's class and she sits next to Cat, whispering to her almost as soon as she sits down. I sit in the back, aware that Andre and Beck are speaking in hushed tones, probably about Jade or me. I hate them right now, and I never hate anyone, especially not the guys I thought were my friends.

Sikowitz's class is over soon and Jade and Cat separate. Cat isn't talking to me until I talk to Jade, and I know I need to do that, but it catches me off-guard when Jade grabs my wrist and pulls me into the janitor's closet. She stands a few feet away from me, arms crossed, and stares at me. "So you've decided what you want to do?"

I nod, unsure of myself now. I've tried so hard to get over her, to just forget everything, but this weekend has been hell. I spent two days locked in my room, wondering what the hell was going through Jade's head, and I couldn't get over her. That only left one decision. "I'm not losing you," I tell her, and she nods. "I'm tired of people telling me what to do, what I should do, what I need to do…I want to do what I want to do. And if they have a problem with that, they can get over it."

"What do you want to do now then?"

I shrug. Honestly, I don't know what I want to do right now because I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'll be pulled out of school, forced to leave Jade and Cat behind. I don't care about the guys at this point because let's face it…they're being assholes. But I can't go on without being able to talk to Jade. I need that. I need this, being here in the janitor's closet and being able to talk without having to look over my shoulder and know that I'm being watched at every fucking second of the day. It's ridiculous.

We step out into the hall with minimal physical contact. It's like we'll both be burned if we touch for even a second. It would be too much to handle, the chance that we won't be able to stop once we start anything, and it's something I don't understand. Maybe it would be better if I left, if I put distance between us. I head for my locker and she goes to hers, and I find a note sitting on top of my books. Did she put it in there? We were just talking…

I unfold the note, very aware that she's watching me right now with a look I've only seen on her face once. She's scared to death. Is it from her? Did she put it here? Why would she look so afraid if she did? That wouldn't make any sense, would it? Unless she's realized that she shouldn't have put it in my locker. I notice black ridges on the edge of the paper, as if someone had tried to…Jade said her thumb was burned. Was she trying to dispose of it?

Vega, look, I'm sorry I got you into this bullshit mess and I hate myself for it. Honestly, I wish I had never dragged you out to that house and I wish none of this had ever happened. It was a stupid mistake, and I know that I never apologize for anything, but I'm sorry. I've fucked up your life far worse than anyone else. But you've fucked mine up too. Ever since you've gotten here, it's been like a fucking competition, and I hate to lose. You keep winning at everything and strut around like you're the best person here. I don't give a shit if you are or not. It isn't fair.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you everything that's wrong with you. If you don't know that by now, maybe someone should hit you in the face with a shovel and you'd know. You know what, I don't even know why I'm writing this fucking letter to you. It's not like I'd even give the damn thing to you because I'm not going to. I just can't sleep because you're constantly worming yourself into my head and making everything impossible.

I blame you for everything. I hate you for being so fucking perfect and getting everything you want. I hate you for your stupid amazing voice that I can't get out of my head and want to hear every time you open your mouth. I hate you for every little thing you do, everything you say, every little fucking thing because it drives me insane that I can't even think when I'm around you. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being so sick of you, of wanting so much more than just having you around and it fucking pisses me off that you don't even notice.

I glance at Jade, who at this point is sitting against the lockers, staring at her knees. I really wasn't supposed to be reading this, was I?

No, you don't even notice. You're always so busy being so damn perfect and getting everything you want and what about me? I'm stuck here in the shadows, waiting for you to fall, and I'm beginning to think I have to trip you myself. Is that what it's going to take? I hate you. Honestly, I do. But I just…I fucking hate it. I hate you, I hate me. I hate everything.

So tell me, Vega. Tell me how you can be so goddamn perfect and try to pretend like you don't have feelings for me, when your damn annoying sister already blew that secret while we were sitting in a fucking cell, all because of me. Are you some siren? Do you use that voice of yours to lure in the rest of us so we wreck and meet our impending doom? It isn't fair. You can't just do that.

Alright, you know what? I'm done. I'm tired of writing this. I should be sleeping, but instead my head is filled with you and how much I hate you and it's driving me insane. I wish I could just tell my head to shut up, but it won't listen to me. Do you see what you've done? You've turned even my own mind against me. Are you fucking happy now?

Because in the end, there's only one person to blame and that person's you. I'm so tired of being blamed, even when everything is my fault, but this…This is something else entirely. This isn't something that I can be blamed for. No, this is your fault. If the world ends tomorrow, it's your fault. Do you want to know why?

You make the world crumble at your feet, just by speaking. All you have to do is say 'hi' in that annoyingly cheerful voice and you have everyone by the throat, waiting for the final blow. And you keep them waiting, wondering if you'll let them survive, but you don't. You keep luring them in until they crash, and they'll never know what happened.

And what do you do then? You act all innocent and pretend nothing is ever wrong. No, what's worse than pretending is fixing it. Nothing is ever your fault, at least not to you, and it's all because you think you can fix it. It's sickening. Why couldn't you be a normal person and just…Why do I love you?

I look to Jade, whose eyes lock with mine in the fiercest silence, and I can't stop rereading the letter in my head. If I wasn't meant to read this, then why was it in my locker where I could find it? Had she really tried to burn it? Why didn't she want me to read something she had probably spent a few hours writing, something she had tried to destroy? Was all of this so disgusting to her that she had to rid herself of it?

"Is this how you really feel, Jade? If it is, why do you bother coming around me? Why do you keep cornering me and making me choose? Is this all some game to you, one that you don't even want to play? Or are you the puppeteer and you're just pissed off that this puppet isn't moving with the strings?" Did I just call myself a puppet? I don't care.

"Look, Tori, I just…yeah, it was how I felt, but I was tired. I stayed up all night because I was mad that I couldn't sleep, and then Cat woke up, and she wanted to know what I was doing. But when I went to burn the damn thing because I didn't want you to ever know, Cat scared the hell out of me and I ended up burning myself. She found the letter and she put it in your locker, even though I begged her not to. I had no intention of you ever reading it, Tori, and I'm sorry."

I refold the note and return it to her. She shoves the note into her pocket and her eyes meet mine again, but she doesn't speak. She wants me to, but I don't know what to say. I sigh. "Look, Jade, it isn't even really about the note or what you wrote. It's just…why didn't you just tell me how you felt? Then you wouldn't have tried to burn some stupid piece of paper and ended up burning yourself." I think about that statement. If you try to hide something, you're just going to get burned.

Does she really think I'm a siren? What is this, the Odyssey? I don't shipwreck crews on rocks in the middle of nowhere by singing some song that makes people forget how to think…Do I? I mentally shake my head. I'm not a mythological creature like Jade seems to think I am. On the bright side, she didn't compare me to Medusa…I don't think I could live with that one. If anything, she's like Medusa, petrifying people with her stare and turning them to cowards of stone.

I don't know what she wants from me. I've saved her life, gotten arrested for her, avoided her so I could still be able to see her every day, even decided that I'm going to put it all on the line, and for what? She hates me. She hates everything about me, so why do I still try? Why am I still here with her if it doesn't even mean the same for her that it does for me? I'll never understand, no matter how many times I try to get into her head. I guess I should just start pretending I never read the note and keep acting as though we're not dealing with issues.

Cat bounces down the hallway toward us, and Jade reaches out to grab her arm. Cat grins. "Hey, Jade. Hey, Tori. Did you guys talk?" Jade rolls her eyes and I nod. "Good! I think we should all go get ice cream after…"

I shake my head. As much as I would love to go and get ice cream with Cat and Jade after school or any other time, I haven't forgotten that I'm on a strict school-home system as long as I have this stupid device strapped to my ankle. Jade frowns apologetically, but Cat doesn't notice. She's gone off in some other direction about what her brother did the other day or something involving ice cream. It's weird having her back to this. "Cat, I can't go anywhere except home and school."

She stares at me and I can almost see the gears turning in her head. Finally, I assume, she forms a solution and grins. "Then Jade and I will bring the ice cream to you! Then you can eat ice cream with both of us…" Jade and I exchange a glance. How in the hell would we get Jade into the house if my parents are already wishing they had a restraining order against her? Then it clicks. There's a tree outside of my window, the same one she climbed up to my room to drag me out of the house. She smirks, apparently thinking the same thing as me.

"That's a good idea, Cat. You come in through the front door. Jade, how do you feel about jumping a fence or two?" Jade shrugs, but she knows she'll have to. Even if my parents were to leave the house, they would have neighbors watching the place like a hawk and no one lives in the house behind us and the families on either side of us are on vacation or work until late at night. I would know…They're not exactly silent when they come home at three in the morning. The only think that would be left would be to make sure my parents and Trina don't walk into my room while Jade's in plain view on the branch.

I smile at Cat. "Yay, we're going to have so much fun!" We watch as she bounces away, and I sigh, rolling my eyes. Just as long as Cat doesn't give it away, we'll be perfectly fine, but I'm beginning to wonder why she's her usual self again, after being this deep and sentimental girl she's been the past…I've lost track of time. Either way, it's not important. I've got plans with Jade and Cat after school, and I won't even be able to get in trouble for it.

Jade smirks at me. "Do you really think this is going to work?" I shrug. We need it to work because I'm so tired of this, of being forced to suffer alone without Jade or without Cat.