Previously on Gleeality: some shit happened that will probably be blatantly ignored this chapter.

"The new Muckraker, hot off the press ladies and gentlemen. We have exclusive scoop on the hot and steamy hand holding right here!" The annoyingly whiny voice of Jacob Ben Israel echoed through the hallways of one McKinley high school (see? We're still at McKinley high. Now that's what you call continuity) as people wandered, jogged, powerwalked and slushied their way to their respective classes. Let's take a moment of silence for those who have slipped and fell face first into the floor thanks to those nasty, nasty slushies and the lack of janitors to clean up. Moment over, let's catch up with our favorite juniors and seniors, shall we?

Hallway:

Mike and Tina walked hand in hand to an AP class together, even though Tina's a junior and Mike is a senior. LOVE CONQUERS ALL. They've been doing their stereotypical thing, getting all A+++++ or something. I know what you're all asking. If A- is an "Asian F", then wtf is an Asian A, B, C or D? When you solve that, start thinking about what a "Caucasian B" is. Come to think of it, they should have a whole new system for Finn…

Finn (eurgh) idk, did some stuff, came out (LOLZ COME OUT. Yeah, why don't you just come out of the closet, Finn? You just can't admit to yourself that you're in love with your 27 cats but you're afraid they don't love you back. You're nothing but a coward, Finn. Why don't you go slap yourself, Finn? Go jump off a cliff, Finn*) as the hero, as per usual. Rumor has it, Finn and Blaine had a little tete-a-tete in the gym or some place with a punching bag. It's unclear whether or not Blaine had to stand on a stool in order to reach said punching bag. Although he probably did have to, at least to be able to make proper eye contact with Finn.

Speaking of Blaine. He co-founded the Dalton branch of the non-violent Fight club. Doesn't make sense? Well, neither does the guy's clothes. Hands up if you're still wondering whether he's dressed like a really really old man or a 5 year old.

Quinn and Rachel…can wait because I just got news that a mysterious heiress to a multi-million dollar empire who goes by the name of Sugar just arrived in town. Sugar Motta. Now, why does that name sound so familiar? Let's just say she…came from the future…..as the daughter of a certain miss B pierce and S lopez. Sounds mysterious? That's because it is. Are you all astounded by my ability to come up with euphemisms? SSshhhh, I know you are.

Somewhere secluded and private on McKinley campus:

"Hey, San?"

Brittany Pierce's pinky crept over and nestled against the girl lying down besides her. Like a magnet, Santana's latched onto and intertwined with her's.

"Yeah, Brit?" She replied lazily, content.

"We're everyone's favorite couple, right?"

Santana smirked, her eyes still closed. "Of course, B. People love us, aside from the nutjobs that think I'm into Finn. I mean, ew."

Santana's eyebrow shot up as the blonde's face suddenly came closer to hers. "Um, Brit, what are you doing?"

"It's this new thing that everyone else is doing, San. I think it's called 'kissing'?"

Santana blinked. "What's kissing?"

"I think it's when we *this has been censored due to the risque nature of the information*"

Huh. So that's this so called 'kissing'. She's heard of it before, but doing it with Brittany? Never occurred to her.

"Listen, pretty soon we'll be able to do whatever we want, okay? Including this kissing business." She pulled the blonde down for a hug. Oof, hugging Brittany was always such a turn on. "In the meantime, why don't we steal the keys from the imaginary janitor and go hold hands?"

Brittany blushed. "You're hot."

Spotted. S and B sneaking off for a little rendezvous during school hours. Oops, wrong show.

Ok, back to the other blonde and brunette. What? No, not Sam and Kurt…..Quinn and Rachel….

Rachel or Quinn's house, idk:

"So did anyone do the SATs? Because I heard you're supposed to take it if you want into a school like Yale." Rachel asked casually, flipping through the comments section of her Barbara Streisand website and wondering where her dads always were and if they were gonna look any different from the pics.

"Yale?" Quinn looked puzzled. And wtf were the SATs? The term sounded familiar…possibly from the requirements of getting into any given university…But who cared, right? Any admissions board would be more than willing to accept her because of reasonable reasons. But she did have some personal issues to deal with, like her age. She'd been 18 earlier in the season, then Sam told her to hold onto 16, and now she's back to being 17...? (Or, maybe this was all linked to a bigger conspiracy. Maybe you have subconsciously time travelled?) Life's tough when you're crazy one minute, and sane the next. Also, a bunch of people have compared you to a lion (although the lion!Quinn does have a nice ring to it, you have to admit) and said that you have serial killer tendencies (text from Santana earlier: Hey, Q. I have a name for you. Ryan Murphy. I don't care how you do it. Thanks, love, S). #whitegirlproblems. Txt it. Why was the writer of this still writing about you in 2nd person?

Wherever Sam was staying:

"Soooo, I'm back. I'm a stripper now. If anyone's interested in a private party, call –"

Glee club, later on that day:

"Hey Jack and the Finn stalk. Cheating on Blaine cheating on Kurt with the leprechaun already? Didn't even know that was physically possible. Kudos."

"Santana." Finn muttered, taking a seat.

"Awesome one, San."

"Thanks, Brit."

"Do you think that in an alternate universe, our lips would be attached to each others in what people call a 'kiss' right now?"

"Guess we'll never know, B. Guess we'll never know."

Everyone was chatting amongst each other about some shit, when pedo Will walked in. He wasn't alone. Never a good sign.

"Hey, everyone." The girl waved, and a certain pair of Cheerios (not the cereal) could've sworn she smiled at them for a second longer than everyone else. Eh, nothing too out of the ordinary, they were pretty hot. "I'm Sugar."

"Alright, New Directions, I want you all to give a warm round of applause for our newest member!" Pedo Will gestured to the girl standing beside him.

Since they were a family and all that, everyone clapped politely.

"Just a heads up. I have Aspergers syndrome, so sometimes I might refer to some of you guys as 'mom'"

More mysteries of the gleeverse:

Aspergers, OR ARE THEY REALLY YOUR MOTHERS?11?

Was Finn's head what poked the hole in the ozone layer?

Aren't I missing something important starting with the letter t and ending with 'roubletones'?

Where's Mercedes?

Will Blaine's height ever stop being the subject of jokes?

All in due time.

P.S: *Extra brownie points if you don't come back.