Mist 18
It was scary to have been told something like that by Ritsuka. So painful, harsh.
/-/ "Shut up! Get out!
I don't want to hear your goddamn voice!
Is she like me now?" /-/
Such a sweet voice turned to complete agony and anger. It reminded Soubi that he had been faltering, he had almost begun to think of himself as someone. He was not. He was something. He deserved those words.
Soubi didn't want to leave Ritsuka alone, not while he was crying so hard, not while he was in such pain, not with such a distressing misunderstanding haunting his mind. Only, it wasn't really a misunderstanding. Misaki was under a spell, Soubi hadn't prevented it so it was essentially his fault. If Soubi had stayed to comfort the boy like he wanted to, it would just be more excruciating for Ritsuka. Ritsuka didn't cry often, usually it was hurtful words or someone's actions that caused it, his mothers, a classmate's, someone like that. Never before had Soubi been aware that he erred in a way to make Ritsuka cry so hard.
'I tried.. I tried to explain. But it wasn't enough. I didn't try hard enough. I hurt him, hurt him so badly.'
Despite Soubi's body being so near to its limit from physical and mental stress he still had plenty of energy to hate himself. He still had plenty of energy to try and make things better for his Sacrifice.
x
Ritsuka had never been sure if he loved Soubi. Lately he had been sure he felt something, though. It didn't really matter if he could call it love or not, just as long as he could be by Soubi's side.
But now, after all this, he wasn't sure if he had a single positive feeling toward the man. All the past emotions they shared were beings masked by this one event. Ritsuka desperately wanted his mother back to normal. It didn't matter if she was a nicer, ideal mother now. She wasn't herself.
Even though Ritsuka believed that Soubi hurt his mother and thus him so much, he didn't want to hate him. Ritsuka didn't have anyone else but Soubi. No one that understood him so well, no one that loved him so much. He feared that now he would have no one. No Mother. No Soubi. He was alone. Mother was in pain. Part of him just wanted to call Soubi up, beg and apologize. He wanted Soubi to comfort him and make everything better. Ritsuka was so torn, he knew if Soubi showed up now he would just start yelling at the man again. There was no way Soubi would hold him and protect him if he did that.
Ritsuka sighed. He tried to wipe the tears off his face but thoughts just kept running through his head he just kept repeating and repeating to himself what Soubi had done, what had happed to his mother. He couldn't keep it in and started crying again, hiccupping and moaning through the tears. He was so alone. Alone. He realized how helpless he felt without Soubi. All those days ago when Soubi had gone out and asked him before leaving,
/-/ "Will you be okay without me?" Soubi asked as he leaned closer to Ritsuka's face.
Breathlessly Ritsuka nodded. "O-of course I'll be fine!" He yelled, Ritsuka was flustered at the suggestion that, as he thought, he couldn't be without Soubi. /-/
Soubi had been right then, Ritsuka was wrong, maybe he could last a few hours or minutes without the man but at a time like this he couldn't do anything on his own except cry.
He tried to lift his body up, to compose himself, find some direction in what he would do. It made him wonder what Soubi could be doing right then. 'He's probably thinking about how much he hates me, how he never wants to see such a pathetic kid again.' Ritsuka sighed and remembered he didn't really want to see Soubi right now either. How long could they last on their own?
x
As it was, Soubi was in a similar situation. Wondering how to move forward and thinking how hated he was. What terrible a failure he was.
Soubi certainly wasn't mad at Ritsuka. He missed the boy so much. After he ran around all day wanting to see him, once Soubi finally got to see Ritsuka, Ritsuka had only given him a quick hug (one that Soubi knew he should be grateful for) before yelling at him.
He was sick of following Nisei's stupid frequency. He'd been searching the guy out all day. 'What a pain.'
It was scary to see that Nisei was actually capable of something over Soubi, even if that something was just running away. Nisei had been doing all this on Seimei's orders, it seemed like Seimei wanted to keep Ritsuka out of trouble with his mother when he went home. It also seemed like Seimei had no care what the effects on his mother were. Soubi wondered if Seimei had considered the effects on Ritsuka once something like this was to happen. Soubi also was wondering if this was another test, maybe to see how well he could protect Ritsuka under such extreme tension. Somehow it seemed like Seimei, who wanted Soubi to protect Ritsuka, was willing to harm the boy in order for that to occur. Was he just trying to keep the boy and Soubi alive so he could torture them?
Soubi had learned over the years how to tell what people were thinking, or what their intentions were by studying body movements and words. Seimei was someone who he could never figure out.
X
Ritsuka's dad was never really around, especially since Seimei died. He always felt like the man didn't have the guts to just say 'I hate you.' He didn't hate his father for this, Ritsuka was pretty much indifferent to the man. He didn't love his father but he did love his mother. She had given birth to him and cared for him, she loved Ritsuka when he was himself and tried as hard as she could to love the new him. Misaki was in a lot of pain, Ritsuka could tell, so he never wanted to hit her back, he didn't want to do the things she did to him to her. He told her he loved her but sometimes it made her mad, he said he would never leave but she didn't always believe him. Still, even if she didn't trust her son, Ritsuka thought things like that were much better over violence and insolence.
His mother, that he loved was now brainwashed. There was something Ritsuka suddenly wished he had added when he yelled at Soubi, 'What if that was you?' He pondered the question as he realized it. 'What if it had been Soubi? What if Soubi lost his memories? Doesn't he get that I would've been upset if that was the case? It's the same if it was me, doesn't he get that the way I'm feeling about Mom is how he would feel if he saw me lose my personality like that?'
The boy clenched his eyes, trying to pinch the anger out of his head.
Suddenly thunder was rapping at his door. He recognized the thunder to be his mother. Her fists. Ritsuka sat up abruptly and scooted away from the door a bit.
"Mother..!" He gasped.
Screams accompanied the tirade of knocks now. "Ritsuka! I want my Ritsuka! Get out! Get out!"
Ritsuka tried to call back to her, "Mother, you'll hurt yourself!" It was useless, she couldn't hear him over her own noise. Soubi would've been amazed how, in the situation he was in, Ritsuka still worried about Misaki's wellbeing.
Misaki kept yelling, fists kept falling against wood until Ritsuka couldn't take it anymore. He was crying for his mother to stop. Afraid to open the door and become her new target.
"Why!" He yelled. For once retaliating his mother. She couldn't hear. "Mother? Is it the real you?"
Misaki just kept yelling for him. "My Ritsuka!" was not something that the woman from earlier would've said. Amidst all the terror Ritsuka was just hoping and hoping his mom was back to being herself. Even if being back to herself meant all this.
"Ritsuka! I want him back!" Misaki yelled and yelled. Ritsuka had curled himself in a ball, he couldn't do anything but sit there and cry. He didn't want to do anything else. He didn't want to think anymore. The knocks fell and fell he couldn't stop the noise or the pain.
Finally the pounding stopped. Ritsuka figured she was tired. He was surprised she hadn't broken the door.
Ritsuka removed himself from the pathetic position he had assumed and stood up shakily. He decided to try and calm her down, he didn't want her hurt and it seemed like the spell was gone. Even with it gone, Ritsuka wasn't about to forgive the man who had cast it. He could, on the other hand forgive his poor mother who had done nothing wrong, he shouldn't just leave her locked out.
But she hadn't just stopped. She had changed.
Ritsuka had his hand on the knob, trembling. He was about to announce that he was coming out so he wouldn't spook her, when she spoke again.
"Ritsuka! What are you doing hiding in your room!"
"Eh?" He jumped back from the still closed door. This time her yells had been that of a concerned, reprimanding mother. Ritsuka had never heard anyone use that kind of a voice before, the closest he had ever heard it from was Kio. She had said something so normal. The words weren't necessarily different than they used to be but the tone and meaning were a world away.
"What is it Mom?" He asked so, cautiously.
"Come eat Ritsuka! How could you hide up in your bedroom right before dinner! You said you wanted to help me cook tonight, since Seimei was away, didn't you?"
'Seimei.. she's talking about Seimei like that again. Before.. before all of this Mom would yell about Seimei being dead or make crazy accusations that he was really alive, but she never pretended he was alive and at home like he had never disappeared. Never except for earlier.. when she was acting strange and motherly because of the spell… just like she is now...'
x
Soubi sighed and pulled the bottom of his palm over his forehead, wiping away seat and brushing his bangs aside.
He hadn't eaten since this morning and had been running around all day. Scars all over his body, from Rootless' attack had bled through the Band-Aids that desperately needed to be replaced. The scars on his neck seemed to be bleeding to. He sighed again. 'Didn't you want me to protect him? Aren't I doing that?' He figured it must be because he was chasing Seimei's sacrifice. He didn't care, he was going to keep at it. It was just.. when Soubi disobeyed and his scars bled, he was left with Seimei's voice haunting his mind. It made it difficult to concentrate.
The voices. The voices.
/-/ "Soubi, that's an order!"
"Kill them, defeat them."
"Always obey me, you dog."
"I am your Master, Soubi."
"An order."/-/
All the voices of Seimei, always the harsh deceiving ones. Always directed at him. Whenever he disobeyed. A reminder. A warning.
Spots filled his vision again.
Soubi knew what was happening, he always did. He hated himself for being so weak and he could only whisper out Ritsuka's name before he fell to the ground lifelessly. "Ritsuka.."
x
Ritsuka made sure to wipe his face free of tears before yanking the door open. Misaki's body stood there looking stern. Ritsuka wondered where the real her was.
"Ritsuka, that was very bad of you!" Her eyebrows were furrowed deeply and she wore a frown.
Ritsuka apologized, wishing to move the situation along quickly so he could figure out what was happening to his mother. Whether or not he was talking to the real her. "I'm sorry, it'll never happen again." Ritsuka was guessing that the spell had never disappeared. She seemed to be acting like the fake woman she had acted like earlier.
Misaki seemed to be satisfied with her son's apology and dragged him down the stairs with a firm hold on his wrist.
"W-wait Mother!" Ritsuka called uncomfortably, he didn't like calling her Mother when he wasn't sure who he was talking to.
She turned her head with a fierce look, daring him to oppose her.
"We already ate! When I came home we had dinner." Ritsuka wasn't really sure why she would drag him downstairs to have dinner a second time. She had said earlier they were going to cook together.
Her eyes widened. "Ritsuka!" The look she wore was menacing. Misaki as she normally would be, never showed many more emotions than varying levels or sadness, worry and some anger. Now he face was deeply expressing every emotion she felt. "You ate already! You bad boy, ate without your Mother!"
Ritsuka shook his head. 'No. No. No.' She was misunderstanding.
"I had ingredients prepared for you and everything! Ritsuka never spends time with me! Ritsuka! You hate me don't you!"
The pair was in the kitchen now and she let go of Ritsuka's hand as she started yelling at him. Misaki's face was expressing a sadness and loss.
"No, no! Mother I do love you!" Ritsuka was completely caught up in the moment, only registering that he had upset his mother. "I didn't mean that, I haven't eaten! I would love to cook with you and eat Mother's food." He tried to convince her with a willing look.
"Liar!" She yelled. Misaki turned her back to the boy and gripped the counter, turning her knuckles white. 'How could my own son be so disagreeable..?' Slowly her thoughts were changing. 'That boy, my son- No! No! He isn't! That isn't my Ritsuka! My Ritsuka would never act like this! Not my son!'
"Mom.." Ritsuka placed his hand on her shoulder lightly, trying to comfort the woman who looked upset over what he had done.
She spun around. Her eyes revealed her only expression. Hatred. Anger. "Don't touch me! You aren't my Ritsuka! Don't touch me!"
Misaki slapped his hand away harshly.