Chapter 3

Even a thought, even a possibility, can shatter and transform us.

- Nietzsche

January 20, 2007

It had been three long days since Fred thought that maybe he had caught the scent of another vampire. Long enough to argue with himself about whether he had actually smelled it, and if he hadn't, whether he was indeed losing his mind. Was it even possible for a vampire to lose their mind? The second idea that crossed his now cavernous mind was You idiot! You just said you would've done anything for company, for someone who might be able to help you.

Yes, he felt foolish. He knew intellectually that it was just an instinctual reaction to protect himself while he was weak but that didn't mean that he wished he hadn't had better control. He raked his hand through his blonde hair in a gesture he did a thousand times as a human. He thought cautiously though. For all he knew, Riley tracked him down and had plans on destroying him as Fred knew he had done to Diego. Riley didn't like his minions being to smart. It's why he kept his head low and his mouth shut. Or perhaps those vampire cops he was pretty sure existed were after him, because who knows what rules he, or his creators, broke that he didn't know about.

He knew he didn't have the energy to chase after whoever it was, or the ability to track their scent through the falling snow. Between the fact that the snow and wind shifted the scent making it hard to follow, he knew he didn't have the energy it would take to chase...or run away if necessary.

And lets face it, it was January in Alaska. No self respecting man-draining vampire would be caught dead up here. There was simply no food. Heck, there was hardly human food, much less vampire food. Which meant if he HAD smelled a vampire, it was highly unlikely that they had a regular diet and he just blew his best chance to get some of his nagging, hopeless questions answered.

He laid flat in the snow, feeling the soft crystalline flakes cradle his rock hard body. He smiled softly, thinking of making snow angels with his sister on family visits to the mountains. He looked up through the pine boughs and snow to the winter black sky. He let his mind wander on the patterns he could see, first seeing a dragon with its maw open, then what looked like a swan. Spaces between the boughs made for a long curved neck, and the needles fanning out like upswept wings. From behind, he could see the graceful swirls of green and red that flickered in the sky. Fred snorted at the fanciful thoughts, just content that for a few blessed moments, he wasn't fixated on his sister's gory demise.

The sound of a distant vehicle was quickly moving in toward the cabin deep in the snow covered forest. An anxious Tanya strode out along her front porch. She was pacing forcefully enough that the long, heavy icicles that decorated the porch eves came shattering down into the snowdrifts built up around the porch's rails. The newer looking silver four wheel drive (Tanya never understood the Cullen's fascination with vehicles when running generally worked faster.) slid easily in front of the cabin.

Before anyone could utter a word, Carmen flew out the door to the car, calling excitedly, "¿Donde esta mi preciosa?" Tanya's newest cousin, whom she'd only admit to being envious of in the deepest, dustiest corners of her mind, gracefully rose up from the passenger side of the car and reached out for Carmen.

"It's so lovely to see you again, Carmen! Reneesme was so excited to come see you." Tanya watched as Bella enveloped Carmen in a firm hug and then turned to open the back car door. Much as Tanya was in awe of the меньшее чудо, Reneesme's thumping heart simply reminded her of all that she had lost. She caught Edward's slight grimace and with a sigh, slipped back into the house. She utterly despised having to share her darkest thoughts.

Tanya stepped to the wide mantle over the stone fireplace and pressed her forehead to the smooth wood, her fingers clenching the edge on either side. She took a deep breath in an attempt to swallow her panic and silently thanked the fact that not all the Cullens came. It was bad enough with Edward reading her thoughts, but Jasper feeling her complete despair would have destroyed her. It wasn't the child's fault. She knew that. They were family and she simply needed...she needed...well, frankly, she didn't know anymore, but she would not let her desolation get in the way of everyone else's joy, or the true reason they were up here at all. Someone needed their help, or they needed to reconsider the Volturi. In either case, it was not the time to fall apart. Another deep breath had her lifting her head.

"I know you probably don't want to hear it, but I'm here to listen if you want to talk," Edward said softly. Tanya startled, so deep in her mind, she didn't sense her cousin come up to her. He silently placed his hand on her shoulder in support.

Tanya stiffened, feeling herself falling apart and thinking that throwing herself into his arms would not be appreciated. She took a cautious step back and with a whispered, "I'm sorry," sprinted out the back door. As she flew to the tree line, she could hear Edward's soft reply, "I am too."

She ran. She ran without thought, without direction. Even so, she knew she couldn't outrun the pain she had been pushing away. It all fell into her, feeling so close to her original burning so many years ago, she cried out. She fell to her knees, shrieking out her pain like a wounded animal. Her sister, her best friend, who loved so well, but not so smartly. Her beautiful, adoring mother who only ever wanted to be a mother.

Then there was the sad parade of soulless encounters with men and vampires alike, and each one making her feel more and more empty even as she bragged out loud of her conquests, her abilities, her appetite. All the while, she knew deep in her lifeless heart it was nothing but a way to temporarily fill the emptiness inside. And still, none of it mattered.

She rested her head in the soft snow, her arms wrapping around her stomach in a sad attempt to hold herself together and sobbing even louder when she realized there wasn't anything left to hold together.

A striking display of the Aurora's affects writhed and twisted across the sky was the only witness to her complete collapse.

It was many hours before she was aware of herself again.