Chapter 5

It was just after dawn when Jasper finally returned. He opened and closed the front door quietly, like a teenager sneaking home after a night out. He startled when he saw us all in the lounge, watching him.

"What took you so long?" Rose asked. "Having fun with Maria?"

"Rose," Esme warned.

"I went hunting," Jasper said quietly. His gaze wandered briefly to Alice, then to me, and then he looked away. "She's gone."

He disappeared upstairs. We heard the shower running a short time later.

Alice made no move to follow him.

"It's your turn, Emmett," she said, nudging him.

"Aren't you going to go interrogate him?" Rose asked, as Emmett rolled the dice.

"There's no point. We'll just end up fighting. I've seen it."

Rose looked shocked. "You mean he actually—?"

"No, he didn't," Edward interrupted.

"Then why did he look so guilty?" Rose asked. "His eyes weren't red, were they?"

"His eyes were gold. He did go hunting. That's all I'm saying," Edward said.

His words didn't cheer Alice up. She sat with her chin on her hand, looking despondent, and had to be reminded when it was her turn. She didn't even smile when I landed on a square containing two of Emmett's hotels, and had to declare bankruptcy. This was quickly followed by Esme and Edward, as Emmett took advantage of his windfall to build even more hotels. Then Rosalie forfeited.

We expected Alice to do the same, but she kept playing, seemingly not paying much attention. We watched in surprise as she somehow avoided landing on Emmett's properties, and instead built her own row of hotels on the exact square where Emmett happened to land next. It seemed this game was going to continue for a while longer.

I heard Jasper leave the upstairs bathroom, and I considered going to talk to him. My gaze shifted to Edward, and he nodded, giving me the all clear.

Alice didn't look up as I moved to the stairs. Esme gave me a good luck smile, and Rose just watched quietly. I hoped they would give us some privacy, but that seemed to be a foreign concept in this family.

I knocked on the wall outside Jasper's room, as the door was already half open. I could see him crouched in front of his bookcase, flipping through a well-read book.

He glanced over his shoulder, but didn't say anything.

"May I come in?"

He nodded once.

I shut the door behind me as I entered, hoping the others would take that as a hint that I wanted this conversation to be between us.

His school backpack sat on the bed, already filled with the day's study material. I sat beside it, looking around the room. The bookcase was the only part that spoke of the fact that this was Jasper's room too. The rest was entirely filled with Alice's wardrobe. Esme had been planning to build on another room just for him, seeing as Alice's clothes took up so much room. She thought he'd appreciate some space where he could escape, as needed.

Perhaps that would be her next project, once the greenhouse was finished.

"How are you feeling?" I asked.

"Fine."

I should have known better than to ask that.

"Do you regret that she came?"

Jasper flipped a page in the book, still facing away from me. He shrugged. "I suppose it turned out better than I hoped. No one was hurt."

"No," I agreed. "You handled a difficult situation admirably."

He didn't respond to this praise, at least not in a way that I could detect. He continued to avoid my eyes, paying too much attention to a book that he had obviously read before.

I watched him, suddenly struck by how young he appeared. It was true that Alice was careful about ensuring they dressed in the way their peers did, but this was more than the clothes.

His whole manner was that of a teenage boy, ashamed to talk about something for fear of being misunderstood.

I wondered if he'd been like this with his human parents. Did he have a difficult relationship with them? Or was his closed nature the result of his years within Maria's violent world.

My heart ached as I imagined the day his parents received the news he would never be coming home from the war. Had they been involved in his decision to join the army early? Or had they woken up one morning to find his bed empty? Had they seen it coming? Or was it only preceded by brooding silence?

Jasper turned around, suddenly radiating surprise.

"Is someone leaving?"

Jasper always tried to figure out what thoughts were generating the emotions he could feel. He didn't have a hope of guessing mine. I shook my head.

When I didn't elaborate, he radiated curiosity, and then I suddenly felt like sharing my innermost thoughts.

"You know, Son, you can just ask," I said, my tone gently chiding.

He ducked his head. "Sorry. Habit."

I raised an eyebrow, wondering who in the family had been a regular victim of that particular trick, in order that Jasper might have formed a habit.

"I was just thinking about you. About how young you looked ... and then I realized you were younger when you left home to join the war. I imagined how your human parents might have felt about you leaving. That's what you could sense."

A vague feeling of guilt wafted in the air.

"I don't remember much about them."

"You could find out more. If you wanted."

He looked aside for a while.

"I believe I would find that ... depressing."

I nodded. "Sometimes it's better to look forward."

"Yes." He turned, staring out the window at the gray morning sky. "She doesn't understand why I've chosen this life."

"From what I heard, I don't believe she ever understood you particularly well."

"No, she didn't."

"That said, I'm sure this life sounded crazy when Alice first described it to you." I smiled.

He nodded, but didn't return my smile. I began to feel uneasy.

"I'm sure seeing her again made you think about the direction your life has taken."

I detected shame, but he quickly reined it in. Was he having doubts?

I stayed quiet for a while to give him a chance to speak, but he seemed more closed than ever. If anything, my presence seemed to be making him uncomfortable. I stood up, seeing he needed to be alone right now.

"If you need someone to listen, without judgment, I'm always here for you."

A variety of emotions spread from where he stood, and then he concentrated on calming my concern.

"I'm fine. Just seeing her again ... stirred up some memories. That's all."

"Understandable."

If he was Edward or Emmett, I might have gone over to embrace him, but I knew that would only embarrass Jasper. Well, it sometimes embarrassed Edward and Emmett too, but I knew they also appreciated it.

I started to turn to leave, but then I hesitated.

"You know, Son … seeing Maria, it hasn't been easy. Perhaps you should take the day off school and spend some time in the mountains with Alice. It's pretty this time of year."

I thought it was one of my better suggestions, but it was met with a rush of sadness. "She's upset with me," he whispered.

"Are you sure it's you she's upset with?"

He nodded towards the door. "I just heard her leave. She forfeited the game—she never does that. Esme went after her."

I smiled, and came to his side so I could put my hand on his shoulder. He could tolerate that much. "It's nothing a hug and some southern charm won't fix."

"You think so?"

"If that fails, you could also try talking to her. I know, it doesn't come easily to us men in relationships, but we have to do it sometimes."

He sighed. "Sometimes I would rather tear off my own arm and burn it."

My eyes widened.

He sent me some calm. "Sorry. Joke."

I had to wonder if that little 'joke' was what caused Alice to go off in a huff.

"I just … I can't stand to hurt her, Carlisle. So I don't tell her things I know will hurt her. Then she gets upset because I'm not being open with her. What should I do?"

It was the most candid speech I had heard from him since this whole issue of Maria entered our lives. He looked at me directly now, with pleading eyes, and I knew my answer would determine whether or not he felt able to share such worries in the future. I prayed I was giving him the right one.

"It is not easy to share something you know will hurt your mate, but if your silence is hurting her just as much, then you have nothing to lose with the truth. At least then, you have the possibility of working through it and your relationship growing stronger for the experience."

He looked down, taking a slow breath. The wave of unworthiness that pushed out from him caused me to pull my hand back from his shoulder.

"That's a difficult feeling," I observed, trying not to let it become my own.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel … I … she deserves better."

"She deserves someone who loves her," I reminded him gently. "And I can tell you without reservation that she will never find anyone who loves her more than you. Agreed?"

He didn't reply, but his feelings returned to a calmer state. I tentatively returned my hand to his shoulder, and then I felt something that made me smile. Hope.

He raised his head to look out the window. "Maybe I should go after her."

"That sounds like a good idea."

"I'll see you later. Thanks, Carlisle."

A second later, I was alone in the room, and filled with a feeling of gratitude. I had to smile. To think I had very nearly given up on this conversation. It was a wonderful feeling to know I had played a part in bringing happiness to my children.

On the way downstairs, I had to shift sideways to avoid Emmett, who was carrying Rosalie bridal style up the stairs.

"Guess what, Carlisle?" Emmett said. "I buried Alice at Monopoly. Even though she was cheating."

"I heard she forfeited."

Emmett shrugged. "That's the same as losing."

I smiled, shaking my head. "Don't be late for school. They won't accept that 'moose on the road' excuse forever."

"Oh, we're just having a quick shower, right Rosie-babe?"

"I don't know." Rosalie picked a leaf out of somewhere on Emmett, who knew where. "It might take a lot of work to get you clean."

The sound of Edward leaving through the front door could then be heard.

Yes, I thought, as I entered my study, things were getting back to normal.

Esme returned not long after I had finally cleared the house of amorous vampires. We traded several kisses in my study before she broke away and moved to the telephone.

"I have to let the school know Jasper and Alice won't be in today."

I followed her, wrapping my arms around her waist from behind, and nuzzling her neck. I had to smile when I heard her explain to the receptionist that Alice and Jasper had been up all night with a tummy upset, and she was keeping them home today.

She playfully pushed me away when I began kissing her jaw, as she struggled to concentrate on the conversation.

"Yes. Yes, they do seem to see a lot of moose on the road. I'll talk with them."

I tried again, sliding my hands down her body.

"Thank you, I do try and keep them civilized. Yes, things have definitely changed since I was young. Oh, I know."

I tried again to kiss her jaw, and this time, her attempt to push me away was only half-hearted.

"Thank you, Mrs Guil. Well, I really must get on with the housework. It's piling up, as always. Bye now."

When she replaced the phone, she grabbed me by the shoulders and pushed me forcefully back onto the couch, returning my kisses ten fold.

It was much later in the afternoon when the subject of Maria crossed our minds again. I wandered into Esme's greenhouse, threading my tie around the collar of my work shirt. The afternoon sun streamed through the window panes, bouncing off the droplets as she watered the newly planted seeds. I sat quietly on the rickety bench the previous owners had left behind, my heart filling with love as I watched her. Her nurturing instinct shone in everything she did, whether she was caring for our family or coaxing flowers to grow from the soil.

She looked up and smiled at me.

"I really should fix that old bench. Perhaps I'll build another one."

"It has a certain charm the way it is," I said, picking off a splinter.

She put the watering can down and came to sit beside me, finishing knotting my tie. I watched her expression as she concentrated on getting it just right, noting the slight frown of her eyebrows and the downturn of her mouth. After all these years, I could learn so much from her face.

"Worried about Jasper and Alice?" I asked, stroking her cheek.

She looked down, her hands falling by her sides.

"I hope they managed to work things out."

"I would say so. They've been gone for hours."

Esme tapped her fingers against the uneven wood. I waited, knowing she would share her thoughts when she was ready.

"Alice asked me something earlier. She asked me if you and I ever talked about Charles."

I raised my eyebrows, and my hand instinctively found Esme's. I hadn't heard that name in several decades. It took me a moment to understand why Alice had brought it up. She saw some connection with Maria.

"What did you say?"

She entwined her fingers in mine, shifting our hands to her knee.

"I told her it wasn't an easy subject for me, but you never pushed the issue. It took several years and several conversations. And lots of love and patience on your part."

"And courage and strength on yours."

She met my gaze. "Then she asked me how I thought you would have reacted if Charles came to visit us."

I frowned. "Alice should have had that conversation with me."

"No. No, she needed to see if from my perspective."

"Jasper and Maria's situation was different from yours."

"Yes, we talked about that, too." She shook her head. "We all have our own story in our heads about Jasper and Maria. In Alice's head, their relationship was very much like mine and Charles. In Jasper's head, Maria is a woman, therefore on a pedestal, and he was a monster who turned his back on all that was good and allowed himself to be her pawn."

"Jasper is never one to hold anyone else responsible for his own actions," I agreed. "But Maria holds some moral accountability for what she raised her newborns to be."

Esme looked thoughtful. "I thought Maria must be a hard and cruel person to live the way she did, but I don't see any cruelty. I've been thinking about what her own upbringing as a vampire must have been like to make her the way she is. She is younger than I imagined, barely older than Jasper. And she seems genuinely fond of him. I never expected that. Yet there's something … sinister in the way she looks at him. Like she owns him."

"She created him purely to serve her purposes. She is used to giving him orders and having him follow without question. That's the way they lived for most of his life." I began to smile. "I think she still can't quite believe that he actually left. Or that he finds peace in this lifestyle."

"What confuses me is the way he feels about her. I think it confuses Alice even more. If I had been turned in that situation, purely to fight someone else's battles ... I'd resent her."

I considered the subject, remembering how Jasper had looked at Maria when he'd first seen her by the lake. "Jasper met Maria as a human. He was turned with his first impressions of her burned forever into his mind. A bit like Emmett feels about Rosalie, I suppose. Rationally, Jasper knows Maria is dangerous and her goals are not compatible with his ... but he can't help being somewhat in awe of her. Even after all this time."

"You're right. And I bet she's been using that connection to make him feel bad about leaving. I hope he didn't entertain the idea for one second that he should return."

I hesitated, considering the matter. "He has Alice to think of now. He would never consider taking her South, for all the human blood in the world. But even without Alice, I do not believe she could have enticed him back. Her life was never his."

"You know, I didn't think about how hard all this must have been for him. His past life, one he's worked so hard to leave behind, catching up with him once again. And Alice, his safe harbor, has been struggling too much with her own feelings to be of much help to him. I hope he's all right."

I sighed. "There are things I want to tell him. How proud I am of him, for a start. It is an incredible feat, what he's done. He was born into such violence, and you'd never know it to see him now, if it wasn't for those scars. To give up human blood after being conditioned to overindulge, takes much personal strength." I frowned. "But whenever I try, he closes up, goes silent, leaves the room if he can. My good opinion is like the mythological garlic to a vampire."

Esme laughed, rubbing my hand. "He feels unworthy of it. Don't worry. You went through this with Edward, remember, when he returned after his time away. You'll work things out with Jasper, too. He's learning to accept our love, it's just not happening as fast as we might like. Fortunately we have eternity."

"We do." I wrapped my arm around her, stealing one more hug before I had to leave for work.