A/N: Just because I fuckin' said so, Butters will be narrating the following author's note:

A/N #2: Wuh…I-I'm sorry that I won't be able t-ta update this for a while. Ya see, I'm going on vacation and I-I need some time away, ya know. Well, see ya in a few weeks, fellas! I-I sure hope you're not sore at me for leavin' ya like this, fellas.

Stan's POV

I can't believe this! After all these years as my super best friend, Kyle ends up with Cartman?

I mean, South Park has seen its fair share of strange shit, but this? This was simply going too far. Seeing them in each other's arms pissed me off more than the human mind could dare to imagine.

I continued to bang on the door.
"Fellas, c-can I leave now? My mom says I can't watch n-no more man porn, or else I'm gonna get grounded!"

Butters' voice was followed by a string of excited moans and whispers. Then Butters spoke again.

"F-fellas...My wiener's startin' to s-stretch, c-can I go now?"

That's it. I can't take it anymore. I furiously begin to pull at the knob, even though I know my efforts are futile.

"Butters, open the door!" I yell.

Butters, being the gullible little asshole he is, unlocks the door and lets me in, much to Cartman's outrage and Kyle's dread-filled shock.

Without even thinking about it, I lunge at Cartman and dig my thick fingernails into his soft, smooth skin.

Dammit. Why the hell does his skin have to be so much softer than mine?

The tubby bastard thrashes wildly as I attempt to kick him in the balls.

"God dammit, Stan, get off of me!"

He yelps in pain as I kick him right in his big fat balls.

Kyle tries to pull me off of Cartman, but I'm not going down without a fight, so I thrust my fist backward, hitting Kyle in the mouth.

"Stan, you're out of control! I'm sorry, but I'm with Cartman now...and if you can't accept that...then I guess we're not super best friends anymore."

"You got that right." Cartman scoffed.

Kyle shot Cartman a pissed off look, and Cartman responded by shrugging and looking all fucking innocent. God, I hate that stupid fat-ass. He's so stuck-up.

I can't help but let a few tears stream down my cheeks. I was so close, and then Kyle just totally dissed me.

LATER THAT NIGHT...

I buried my face into my arms and started bawling uncontrollably, my sorrowful tears sliding down my cheeks and soaking my rough skin in their wet, misguided anguish.

I cried nonstop for two hours on end, but before the night was through, I knew exactly what I had to do. Clenching my fists into tight balls and gritting my teeth in bitter anger, I snuck into the celler and retrieved my grandfather's hunting rifle. But this time, I wasn't hunting game...I was hunting Cartman.

A/N: I-I sure hope you're not sore at me for leavin' ya like this, fellas.

*switching to my own persona*

Please don't kill me. Free cotton candy for everyone! *throws you guys some cotton candy*