A/N: I'm assuming that most of you have never heard of the song that I incorporated into this chapter, "The Trial" from Pink Floyd's The Wall. You can listen to it at (FF won't let me put the name of the site, but it's the one everyone goes to to watch videos) /watch?v=4fa7AtI1msk if you'd like to get a better idea of Santana's feelings during the trial.
Enjoy! :)
When faced with the question of their biggest fear, most people would respond with 'heights' or 'small spaces' or 'spiders' or 'death.' Rational fears; or, at least, as rational as fears can be.
But I say 'worms.'
I was ridiculed for it in elementary school. We had a project once in fourth grade. We were each given an earthworm in a glass container. The student who kept his or her worm alive for the longest time was given extra credit in the class.
Mine died the same day that it was given to me.
I made sure that it was tightly trapped in its container and put it as far away from my room as possible. I curled up under my blanket for the rest of the day, unable to function because I knew that there was a worm in my vicinity.
I can't really explain this fear. I don't know what triggered it or why it's there. I just know that I dread leaving my house when it rains, because that's when the slithery creatures writhe out of their muddy holes. And if I absolutely have to leave the house, my eyes will be plastered onto the ground as I hurry down the sidewalk, hysterically searching for the evil invertebrates. And when I see one, its body wriggling slowly in synchronized S shapes, I feel like my blood is drained from my body. My vision goes dark, my breath is snatched from my hungry lungs, and all I know at that moment is that I need to put as much distance as possible between myself and the vile being.
I guess I'm frightened that it would snake its way into my body. That I would feel it wiggling uncontrollably in my throat, my stomach, my privates. That it would lay its eggs in me and that a whole colony of worms would make my body their convenient home. That it would sneak into my skull and slip into my brain through one of its crevices. That it would speak for me and make me perform actions against my will.
That it would control me.
I gazed at myself in the mirror. I was wearing one of Rachel's formal outfits. A high-collared white shirt with a ruffled front peeked out of a striped gray blazer, and a matching tight pencil skirt confined my horrendously thin legs.
The door of Rachel's room opened and I turned my head to see Brittany, also in formal clothes, looking at me with a sad little smile on her face.
She walked to me, hugged me from behind, and rested her head on my shoulder. I cupped my hands over hers and leaned my head back into her, desperately absorbing all of the relaxation that she was emitting.
"You'll be fine," she murmured softly in my ear. Petrified tears rebelliously swam down my face.
"Oh, no, San, no, don't cry," Brittany turned me around in her arms and wiped the salty tears from my cheeks. She leaned in and placed her supple lips to mine as our noses breathed in deeply together.
We stayed in that position for a while. Brittany's arms holding me to her, my hands on her shirt, our mouths tenderly pressed together. No tongue, no teasing. Just pure love passing between two completely broken people.
Finally, we broke apart. Brittany grazed her thumb on my cheek, her eyes glistening with adoration. "You'll be fine," she repeated.
I nodded and managed some sort of a smile. She held my hand and led me out of the room and down the stairs, where Rachel and her fathers were waiting for us.
We drove to the court in a smooth-riding black Cadillac. I rested my head on Brittany's left shoulder while Rachel stroked my arm in a kind, motherly way.
I thought I would be okay, I really did. My fears began to leave me during the ride. But the moment that I saw the court building, they all mercilessly returned, deeper and more difficult to deal with than before.
Brittany squeezed my hand reassuringly as she felt my body tense. "San, they're on your side. You're not gonna go to jail."
I knew that. But the thought of having to relive everything that happened to me in front of so many people crushed me.
We walked down the main hallway until we saw Melinda, Max, and Julia.
"How are you holding up, Santana?" Max's eyes shone with concern.
I couldn't bring myself to speak, so I just nodded miserably.
"She's just scared," I heard Rachel say from behind me.
"I know," Julia put a caring hand on my shoulder. "But we're here to help you out, okay?"
I nodded again as I tried my hardest to hold back the never-ending, irritating stream of tears.
They walked me into the ominous courtroom. This one was larger than the arraignment court, and there were two tables instead of one table and a podium set in front of the judge's bench. The jury's box stood innocently in the far right corner. I gazed around. Panic overwhelmed me as I watched dozens of heads turn to me.
The ones sitting to my left, the defendant's side, smiled at me sympathetically. The individuals sitting to my right, however, almost bared their teeth in rage.
Julia's hand, which hadn't left my shoulder, encouraged me to continue to walk. I obeyed silently, keeping my eyes fixed on the marble floor.
"Alright," Melinda turned to us. "Only Santana and I are allowed to go past this point," she motioned to a little wooden barrier.
"But—" I couldn't hold back the tears anymore as I realized that Brittany wouldn't be sitting next to me, comforting me, during the trial.
"Shh," Brittany held my head to her shoulder, caressing it delicately. "I'll be right here behind you, okay?"
I sniffed and nodded reluctantly. Melinda held my elbow and led me to the table on the left.
I thought I was going to go crazy sitting there, waiting, waiting, waiting. My feet tapped a little dance on the ground. It took almost an hour for the jury to stroll into their box through a back door.
They looked at me in interest. I gaped back at the twelve people who would decide my destiny.
"Please stand until Judge Hotchkins is seated," said a burly guard who was standing by the judge's bench.
Melinda gestured for me to get on my feet. I followed her instructions.
Judge Hotchkins appeared to be the same judge from my arraignment. His thick glasses masked his eyes, leaving his face expressionless.
After he was seated, he nodded to Barbara, who had taken her seat at the table to my right. She stood on her legs, walked around her table, and turned to the jury.
Good morning, the Worm, your honor
The crown will plainly show
The prisoner who now stands before you
Was caught red-handed showing feelings
Showing feelings of an almost human nature
This will not do
I was shaking violently and blinking frantically in my seat. My mind was not registering anything that was being said. She couldn't have said that, could she?
Crazy
Toys in the attic, I am crazy
Truly gone fishing
They must have taken my marbles away
My right hand was twisting my left in my lap. I hummed quietly as my daddy's blameful face appeared before me.
You little shit, you're in it now
I hope they throw away the key
You should have talked to me more often
Than you did, but no!
There were all of these things flying around the courtroom. Little skeletal, pink creatures with bulging, crazed eyes and screechy voices. I yelped and put my hands over my head as they soared down at me.
Crazy
Over the rainbow, I am crazy
Bars in the window
There must have been a door there in the wall
When I came in
Crazy, over the rainbow
She is crazy
I rocked back and forth, trying to make the creatures go away. The judge was speaking now, seemingly to Barbara. His voice was deep and raspy.
The evidence before the court is
Incontrovertible, there's no need for
The jury to retire
In all my years of judging
I have never heard before
Of someone more deserving
Of the full penalty of law
He turned his head and looked at me incredulously. I whimpered gently as he opened his mouth to speak.
Since, my friend, you have revealed
Your deepest fear
I sentence you to be exposed before
Your peers
Tear down the wall!
I couldn't take it anymore. I just wanted the voices and the creatures and the people to leave me be. The palm of my hand came diving down on my head in a smack that must've killed half of my brain cells.
Tear down the wall
Tear down the wall
Tear down the wall
Dozens of hands were on me all of a sudden, restraining my arms and holding down my feet. I couldn't hear, I couldn't see, I couldn't breathe. All I knew was that I was being cruelly sucked down into the scorching earth by a million and a half wormy fingers.